Healing and Grateful

Well, I have been cautious to write this, wondering if it was 'IT'... but I think it's safe to say that I am (almost) healed from my benzo injuries.

 

On October 12th, my birthday, I reached my 2 year anniversary from the end of a brutal 4 month taper off of Ativan.

I was prescribed Ativan after a neck injury, which I took very randomly over the course of a few months. Anxiety grew, and my GP encouraged to take it more often. I know now that it was the benzo creating that anxiety. I trusted, didn't do my research, and took it more frequently. All in all, I took 1mg of Ativan for 12 days before my husband figured out that I was in withdrawal. Shame, anger, grief washed over me like a tidal wave. I had no idea this could happen. My GP argued I was wrong, that I needed antidepressants. She referred me to psych, who by the grace of God advocated for me and told me I needed to begin a slow and steady taper. He affirmed that I had been misprescribed, and advised me to find a new doctor. I did. One who believed me, and has journeyed with me as my nervous system recovered.

 

But I couldn't have gotten through any of this without Benzo Buddies and the Tapering off of Ativan board. So many of the weird, out of body experiences I was feeling were mirrored and eased my scared, withdrawing brain. To find community with people who were also going through what felt like a twilight zone, carried me through my darkest days. My husband was incredible support, but no one understood me like many of you did.

 

For me, I never thought I would heal. I mainly struggled with gastro issues, anxiety, weepiness (especially in the mornings), headaches, neuropathy throughout my body, a severe sensitivity to vitamins, a chronic cough and, the worst of it, crushing breathlessness. I saw a cardiologist, respirologist, allergist and had a battery of tests done.... all normal. The results both eased my mind and left me hopeless, knowing that I was suffering physically, with no solution in sight. My B12 and Vitamin D levels suffered greatly throughout this experience, which I believe contributed to how unwell I felt on the regular (low B12 and vitamin D can contribute to anxiety and feelings of breathlessness). When I say I tried everything, I'm not lying. I tried every form of those vitamins to restore my levels, and every time, I wound up in bed in a wave that paralyzed and depressed me.

 

Over the course of the past two years, I did return to 'normal life' as best I could. I have two teenage boys who were very traumatized by my journey, so I rallied for them, not really believing that I would heal, despite being told here that I would. Slowly, I saw improvements, then a wave would come and I would be defeated. I practiced a lot of surrender in this process, relying on my strong faith, leaning into any breadcrumbs of hope that appeared along the way. By month 18, I sobbed and wondered, will this be a forever thing for me?

 

Somewhere around month 21, things began to drastically improve. I found a B12 that worked for me (hydroxy.... slower to methylate in the body, so gentler on my very sensitive system) and we got some gorgeous sunshine here in our very rainy Pacific Northwest. I believe deeply that a return of both vitamin D and B12 allowed my nervous system to heal. I decided to try having a beer, something I hadn't done in over 2.5 years. I had no reaction. I knew something was changing. I still choose not to drink for the most part.... I didn't miss it, and now I know that if I want a drink, I can. Then, a month ago, I decided to try taking Vitamin D again. I had a slight revving for an hour or so, then nothing. I knew this was the game changer for me. Throughout these last few months, the breathlessness has lifted. The cough seems to peak during my cycle, but nothing like what it was.

 

I haven't had a wave in 3 months. I had a stressful week at work last month, I felt a bit breathless, but for the first time in a long time, I knew is was a normal stress response and not one induced by benzo damage. It was such a powerful revelation. My B12 levels are back to normal, and I am now able to take a methylated B12, which I absolutely could not do 4 months ago. My Vitamin D is steadily rising too, and I am feeling so much better. I never EVER thought that I would be able to say that.

 

I still struggle each month around my cycle, but that was something I dealt with before benzos. Anxiety pops up, but our nervous systems take time to calm.... I may always have a touch of that. Life is hard, so I don't expect perfection. I've worked really hard on re-establishing my relationship with doctors, which is still difficult, but improved. I believe there is a lot of good in medicine. I can safely take most things now, with little to no reaction, although I try to do things with as little intervention as needed. I am currently sick with a cold, and I've never been happier to be snotty and coughing, because it feels NORMAL! (it's the little things!)

 

My message to you all: please hang on. Your benzo brain will lie to you and tell you this is forever, this will never get better. I am proof that it happens. For some, it may be a longer journey, a more painful one. But please, keep going. I had a framed piece of art on the wall by my bed that read, 'IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SLOW YOU GO, AS LONG AS YOU ARE MOVING FORWARD'. It kept me alive during dark times. Go slow, if needed. You will get there. TIME is what will heal you, no matter what snake oil you chase (trust me, I have a basket of supplements to prove it).

 

Spend time here, on this thread, reading about the truth of HOPE.... that's my advice. Disconnect when needed for a break.

 

Much love to you all as you slay this dragon. xo

OMG Marwegs this is so awesome!!!  I am so very happy for you!!!  I cried reading this you give me so much hope.  I too was miss diagnosed and the doctor I HAD was not informed at all about benzos.  I am struggling off of ativan.

 

You have been truly blessed. 🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗💕

 

Enjoy every minute of your new life!

 

Love and prayers,

DianeDD

Keep going! You've got this. Our bodies are incredibly resilient, even when they feel broken..... you will get there, just listen to your body and go as slow as you need to!

 

OMG Marwegs this is so awesome!!!  I am so very happy for you!!!  I cried reading this you give me so much hope.  I too was miss diagnosed and the doctor I HAD was not informed at all about benzos.  I am struggling off of ativan.

 

You have been truly blessed. 🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗💕

 

Enjoy every minute of your new life!

 

Love and prayers,

DianeDD

Keep going! You've got this. Our bodies are incredibly resilient, even when they feel broken..... you will get there, just listen to your body and go as slow as you need to!

 

OMG Marwegs this is so awesome!!!  I am so very happy for you!!!  I cried reading this you give me so much hope.  I too was miss diagnosed and the doctor I HAD was not informed at all about benzos.  I am struggling off of ativan.

 

You have been truly blessed. 🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗💕

 

Enjoy every minute of your new life!

 

Love and prayers,

DianeDD

 

Thank you 

Congratulations, you fought hard. Thank you for writing this. If a wave, god forbid, does show its ugly face, remember how you feel in this moment.

This is such great news Marwegs, I'm so happy for you!  You're so thoughtful to write your story to give hope to others, thank you. 

congratulations! beautiful days ahead! Can't wait to join you guys for the healed cases!!

Thanks for sharing, Marwegs!

 

You were part of this success, Pamster! You encouraged me when I was so scared and so hopeless! Thank you 🙏

 

This is such great news Marwegs, I'm so happy for you!  You're so thoughtful to write your story to give hope to others, thank you. 

There is no rhyme or reason to recovery… you will get there! Congrats for your journey so far 

 

congratulations! beautiful days ahead! Can't wait to join you guys for the healed cases!!

Thank you for sharing your very inspirational story, which gives hope to the many of us coming behind you!

 

Enjoy living the life you have been dreaming about for so long!

 

GG

I'm so happy for you Marwegs! Big congratulations. For how long were you in Ativan? What brand of vitamin B12 did you take? At month 20, I'm still struggling with extreme gastro issues but find hope in this.

Congrats my friend!!

 

I was just thinking about you the other day!!

 

I’ll get there with you one day!!

 

Happy belated birthday!

 

Hugs,

Winnie

I took Ativan very sparsely for a few months, then started to take it more over the course of another couple of months. Daily consecutive use was 12 days.

 

I use the Hydroxy B12 by AOR. I cut them in half (they are sublingual) because they are high dose.

 

I saw a naturopath about my gut and in the end, the thing that continues to help me is ginger tea. I've tried Slippery Elm with little to no improvement, but whenever I have a flare, a few days of strongly brewed ginger tea does the trick. Nausea and intense stomach upset lingered for a long time for me, so hold on!

I was on PPIs for years and occasionally use Famotidine, so this was a preexisting condition. Benzos, IMO, tend to cling to the parts of us that are already weaker. In my case, this was completely true. I hope this helps!

 

I'm so happy for you Marwegs! Big congratulations. For how long were you in Ativan? What brand of vitamin B12 did you take? At month 20, I'm still struggling with extreme gastro issues but find hope in this.

Winnie, my fellow Canuck!! You will get there! Keep going, you're doing great 

 

Congrats my friend!!

 

I was just thinking about you the other day!!

 

I’ll get there with you one day!!

 

Happy belated birthday!

 

Hugs,

Winnie

Thank you so much for your success story! It’s just what I needed. I hoped so much to be healed by month 18… unfortunately I am still suffering a lot. Very badly from muscles and nerve pain. Manly in my arms and hands. It very often starts after 1 to two hours of sleep. So therefore the insomnia is still very bad. And then awful fear, agitation sets in.. during the day I am extremely exhausted and depressed.

Well thank you for spending hope that even after such a long time there is still hope to get well again. Did your pain issu fade over time or did it disappear one sunny day? Thanks 🍀

Marwegs I’m happy to read another success story. Even though you’re not completely healed you are for sure at the very end of this. Those of us still struggling to recover really need posts like this. I’m very happy for you. Your post was very touchingly encouraging which I needed so bad today. I’m 2 days from 28 months and have been slammed with new symptoms and more intense waves after feeling hopeful/ better for a bit. I wasn’t feeling great but certainly better just a week ago. This journey is unreal especially this far out. So, thank you for taking the time to share your story.

Enjoy your new healed life with your family making many beautiful memories. 💗🤗

So happy for you!! Thank you for sharing your beautifully written, heartfelt and inspiring story.  It's a profound gift to members who are suffering greatly and desperately need encouragement. 

Shamrock, I felt just like you at month 18. I thought for sure I would never heal. The nerve pain, muscle twitches and random benzo flu feelings would come after days of feeling well, and it would knock me back into hopelessness. I can honestly say, that although some of my symptoms faded, I genuinely did just start feeling better at some point. I think I was scared to acknowledge it, which is why I waited to report it. There’s no explanation for why we heal when we do. All I know is that only a few months ago, I literally couldn’t take supplements, and now nothing bothers me! I do have some muscle twitches, a reminder that I’m ‘almost’ there. I also left the boards, which for me was an important step for my mind, which really spiraled after reading some of the harder stories. You’ll get there, I just know you will!!

 

Thank you so much for your success story! It’s just what I needed. I hoped so much to be healed by month 18… unfortunately I am still suffering a lot. Very badly from muscles and nerve pain. Manly in my arms and hands. It very often starts after 1 to two hours of sleep. So therefore the insomnia is still very bad. And then awful fear, agitation sets in.. during the day I am extremely exhausted and depressed.

Well thank you for spending hope that even after such a long time there is still hope to get well again. Did your pain issu fade over time or did it disappear one sunny day? Thanks 🍀

LadyDen, you’re just a few short months ahead of me, which don’t feel short when you’re struggling, do they? But listen… new, intense symptoms can also signal a shift. Things felt worse for me before they felt better. Something that helped keep me in the zone of hope, was telling myself that those symptoms were my body working hard to heal, albeit uncomfortable. I assigned purpose to the suffering and it really helped me accept the process and cope through the seemingly endless array of painful symptoms. I remember reading that it could take many years to heal and I said to my husband ‘I can’t do it’. But I did. And you will too. 💗

 

Marwegs I’m happy to read another success story. Even though you’re not completely healed you are for sure at the very end of this. Those of us still struggling to recover really need posts like this. I’m very happy for you. Your post was very touchingly encouraging which I needed so bad today. I’m 2 days from 28 months and have been slammed with new symptoms and more intense waves after feeling hopeful/ better for a bit. I wasn’t feeling great but certainly better just a week ago. This journey is unreal especially this far out. So, thank you for taking the time to share your story.

Enjoy your new healed life with your family making many beautiful memories. 💗🤗

LadyDen, you’re just a few short months ahead of me, which don’t feel short when you’re struggling, do they? But listen… new, intense symptoms can also signal a shift. Things felt worse for me before they felt better. Something that helped keep me in the zone of hope, was telling myself that those symptoms were my body working hard to heal, albeit uncomfortable. I assigned purpose to the suffering and it really helped me accept the process and cope through the seemingly endless array of painful symptoms. I remember reading that it could take many years to heal and I said to my husband ‘I can’t do it’. But I did. And you will too. 💗

 

Marwegs I’m happy to read another success story. Even though you’re not completely healed you are for sure at the very end of this. Those of us still struggling to recover really need posts like this. I’m very happy for you. Your post was very touchingly encouraging which I needed so bad today. I’m 2 days from 28 months and have been slammed with new symptoms and more intense waves after feeling hopeful/ better for a bit. I wasn’t feeling great but certainly better just a week ago. This journey is unreal especially this far out. So, thank you for taking the time to share your story.

Enjoy your new healed life with your family making many beautiful memories. 💗🤗

Marwegs I really appreciate your encouragement as well as your personal experience in getting hit with more intense waves and new symptoms at the end. I’m going to hang on to your words that this is my brain’s way of doing major repair needed. You’re right that it doesn’t feel good in any way but I do see it as a shift for some big healing. I wish you the best in your continued journey so you can close this chapter in your life taking with you the valuable jewels it also gives.

🌹💗 Thank you!

Marwegs,

 

Thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful story.  I will take your advice and hang on to this thread. I'm at 16 1/2 months and having some very rough waves but also some pretty nice windows for a day or two at a time.  I'll read your story often. Congratulations to you!! Enjoy your beautiful life!

 

Helen

 

Hi Helen, congrats on 16.5 months! It takes so much perseverance and strength to get to where you are, and I’m so happy to hear that you are experiencing windows! The waves are the body recalibrating, the windows are the fruit of your labour… soon you’ll get the harvest of what you’ve worked so hard for!!

 

Marwegs,

 

Thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful story.  I will take your advice and hang on to this thread. I'm at 16 1/2 months and having some very rough waves but also some pretty nice windows for a day or two at a time.  I'll read your story often. Congratulations to you!! Enjoy your beautiful life!

 

Helen

Thank you Marwegs!  I appreciate the encouragement for sure.  Fruit of my labor. That's a great way to think about it.

 

You're very kind to respond.

 

Take care!

marwegs, thank you so much for your reply! giving me hope! Yesterday I was crying all night and all  day long because of dreadful neuropathy and anxiety. The worst pain is always in my right hand where I had my surgery 20 years ago!? Apparently it is not unusual that old injuries flare up again. I hope so much as when my nervous system calms down the pain will go too. Today much better but so scared that it will come back… no pattern whatsoever. And symptoms seem to intensify. Still very sensitive to sound and so much jumpy.

I wished you didn’t had to suffer so deeply and I am so happy that you are on the other side! I wish you all the best! 🍀💖