On my way to my Success Story

Dear Buddies,

 

Well ok, I'm not 100% there yet but I thought it might still be fitting to post in this section of the boards, because if you're browsing here, I'm sure you'll like my little story of continued healing, one of hope and empowerment in the hardest journey of my life. After such intense and prolonged suffering, I have slowly been getting better and better, growing so much, reconnecting with myself, with what I truly want to do with this life... Finding fulfillment in friendship... it is all coming together, Buddies, and you are walking the same path as you are healing too. So hang in there, trust the process of healing AND believe in yourself.

 

 

Warm Healing Hugs,

 

Julz 

 

PS: for such a long long time, HOPE is all I had, it kept me alive, it kept me going. So hold onto that, it is such an invaluable weapon!

I’m happy for you!  Did you have anhedonia or sexual dysfunction?  I tried an SSRI 8 tolerated in December and had a horrible reaction to it with akathisia. The akathisia thankfully let up but it left me with total anhedonia worse than before.  I can’t feel music, enjoy food or sex now because of sexual dysfunction which prior to the reaction I could at least feel these things. Anhedonia, DPDR, sexual dysfunction, chronic fatigue and a circadian rhythm disorder are my worst symptoms 😢

I’m happy for you!  Did you have anhedonia or sexual dysfunction?  I tried an SSRI 8 tolerated in December and had a horrible reaction to it with akathisia. The akathisia thankfully let up but it left me with total anhedonia worse than before.  I can’t feel music, enjoy food or sex now because of sexual dysfunction which prior to the reaction I could at least feel these things. Anhedonia, DPDR, sexual dysfunction, chronic fatigue and a circadian rhythm disorder are my worst symptoms 😢

 

Thank you, dear Stereotoko!

 

Oh Buddy, I'm so sorry to hear about your reaction to the SSRI. But what a relief that the akathisia has let up for you. That is such such such torture (I know).

 

Yes, I've suffered from severe anhedonia too, a general sense of feeling 'emotionless' (I use brackets because you are never emotionless, even when you feel no emotions. Being out of bed, heck, being alive shows that you have a degree of emotion!). But yes, I've been there, feeling so apathetic, with no drive, no desire... detached from myself and the world around me, reactionless. Such a horrible feeling. The worst part, to me, is that anhedonia has a way of adding itself on top of everything else: in order to cope with another symptom, you'd benefit so much from interesting yourself with something, anything, but anhedonia makes coping so much more difficult...

'Can't feel music' or 'can't enjoy food' sadly resonate so much with me too... however, I'd say that even if anhedonia is still lingering for me, it isn't as crushing and debilitating as it used to be. I'm not yet 'full of life' again in those departments, but it is slowly getting better I think  There are things I feel I want to do, and that is huge. Things like calling a friend, connecting with people, working on my business (!!!)... food also is slowly getting less of a chore.

 

If you look through my YT channel (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpCQ4RuA5AZ8pHz5bBAeJ5A/featured), you'll see that I have also made a couple of videos about coping with specific symptoms (one about sleep paralysis and another one about monophobia, so far). But I have been thinking about creating one on the matter of anhedonia, and of course, coping with that. How to 'function' when you are detached from your 'inner motor'. Throughout my journey with this symptom, I've adapted my self-talk and developed lots of strategies in order to function. I'll be sure to share some thoughts about that in a new video soon.

 

Please let me know if you have other specific questions or insights while I work on that 

 

A chaotic circadian rhythm (these days I wake up at 3 am and need to get up  ) and lots of fatigue are also in my set of symptoms right now... so I hear you, Buddy. We just need to put some more time in, while our poor bodies and brains heal.

 

So please take good care of yourself, hang in there, know that you will get better, and look towards what other things you do have and you can do, that is the way to empower yourself in a journey that feels so very disempowering (when you focus on symptoms, you give them even more hold on you with the power to worsen your suffering because you are connecting to your misery).

 

Warm healing hugs 

Julz

Very happy for you! Best wishes!

Very happy for you! Best wishes!

 

Thank you so much, LadyDen 

All my best wishes to you too 

Julz

Julz,

 

Congratulations! Enjoy your life.

 

Hugs!

LiveLife

Julz,

 

Congratulations! Enjoy your life.

 

Hugs!

LiveLife

 

Thank you so much for your good wishes, dear LiveLife! 

My best of Healing to you 

Hugs,

Julz

Very glad to see you posting here, Julz!

Very glad to see you posting here, Julz!

 

Thank you so much, my dearest Gardie  I'm not quite there yet, but I can see how far I've come in many ways - healing physiologically as well as 'healing myself from myself', and a blend of both! And I'm in the midst of moving to my own flat, so another chapter of my life there as well  :thumbs-up:

 

I trust that you are feeling better and better yourself! Please let me know how you are, it is always so nice to hear from you 

 

Love,

Julz x

Very glad to see you posting here, Julz!

 

Thank you so much, my dearest Gardie  I'm not quite there yet, but I can see how far I've come in many ways - healing physiologically as well as 'healing myself from myself', and a blend of both! And I'm in the midst of moving to my own flat, so another chapter of my life there as well  :thumbs-up:

 

I trust that you are feeling better and better yourself! Please let me know how you are, it is always so nice to hear from you 

 

Love,

Julz x

 

Oh, that's good news about your new flat!  I have moved in with my daughter, into a tiny apartment in the basement of her house, mostly because it saves me money but also because she is separated from her husband and doesn't want to be alone. I tapered completely off the Seroquel that I was taking for sleep. I still take a low dose of gabapentin for restless leg syndrome and autoimmune neuropathy, but would like to get off of it. Right now I am prioritizing getting used to using a CPAP machine because I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. It's not going well at all. If not for that, I would be doing much better, I'm sure. Also was diagnosed with osteoporosis. Both of my parents suffered horribly with it in their later years. My new "hobby" is learning about how to strengthen my bones safely through exercise and diet. Crazy complicated! Like you, I am very grateful to be off the benzos and feeling more free of them every year.

Dearest Gardie 

 

I'm so sorry it's taken me such a long time to come back to BBs to reply to the lovely message you left me on the thread I had started all those weeks ago...!

 

You are of the people - Friends  on BBs I think of often, but as with healing... BBs isn't in my daily habits anymore, perhaps the more I stay away from it, the better I am... really 

 

Thank you for your kind words, as always  since then, I have FINALLY found a flat, signed my lease and moved! It wasn't easy (the finding part, especially  ) but it DID happen. I am in a lovely little apartment which was love at first sight. I didn't think I'd get it because...  well, it seemed too good to be true! But good things do happen... they actually do  I am absolutely exhausted from the move (in addition to post-WD and still having to cope with symptoms, 'function' through symptoms...), plus it's suddenly changed to a cold winter here, which doesn't help either... but anyway. Moving out - moving into my new life  is unlocking a great many things, amongst which: a much much much better relationship with my Dad. I hadn't seen that coming, well, not that huge and sudden of a change!

I still have so much to do with the place, my living room consists of a picnic table for one and a desk chair with a blanket, and some lights lol. Talk about a blank canvas and rewriting my life 

 

It sounds like you too have found a nice little place for yourself, Gardie!  saving money yet enjoying your own space and privacy while still being close to your daughter, that sounds like a great plan! How do you feel with your new living arrangements? All settled now?

 

CONGRATULATIONS on tapering off Seroquel! Waw, that is another step into your new-found freedom! Very well done indeed! How are you feeling now? Is your sleep ok?

 

I'm sorry to read about sleep apnea and osteoporosis, though... do you get enough oxygenation now with the machine? Have you gotten used to it? My Dad has been using one for some years now, and I believe he feels more rested from better oxygenation during the night. I can only imagine how exhausting not having enough oxygen carry your red blood cells around for a whole night must be...

 

As for osteoporosis, that's another pain in your foot  but I believe there are some things that you can do to support your bones and all-round health, with good nutrition and some exercise, and even daylight to promote vitamin-D if I'm correct. I too am trying to tap into the best nutrition I can get to support my body and brain in its healing... and I am still very much working on 'healing myself from myself', working with my therapist to understand where I've gone 'wrong' with decisions in life, or rather in the ways I've tried to cope with such and such. What makes things uber-complex is that there is an extra layer of coping sometimes with the same elements and similar mechanisms, this time to cope with symptoms of post-WD  But it's very empowering. I don't see myself as a victim of anything. Life, my parents' divorce, social pressure or even psychiatry. I prefer to attribute my current situation to a path taken, that's life and what matters is what I do now that I am here and now. It's neither good nor bad, it could be worse or it could be better but what matters is what it is rather than what it isn't  And taking responsibility for where I am in life brings back the power. No regret, no resentments  I am at peace with myself, serene, even. That doesn't go to say that I don't suffer from my situation, just that I don't suffer from my story 

 

In terms of symptoms, I still feel very flat and apathetic, no enthusiasm or joy or emotional drive. Everything takes me so much willpower, it really is hard, but hey. And the fatigue! I guess those are two big 'protracted' symptoms... Akathisia is getting better, slowly but surely. It's been mostly mental, in the form of inner restlessness. Doing doing doing has been a way to 'cope', compulsively eating baby tomatoes or huge amounts of little gem lettuce is still something I do every day  ... but hey. Slowly wins the race. I just passed 5 years and a half off of those 4 horrid meds. Who would have believed it? Being free is a very good feeling indeed!

 

Well, dear Friend, I'll wrap this up hoping that it finds you well today or whenever you log into BBs. Take good care of yourself, and give me news whenever you feel like it. It's always a delight to hear from you!

I believe you prefer to keep things here on BBs but just in case, here is my email: julia.sari@sfr.fr 

 

Warm healing hugs, dear Friend! 

 

Julz