Hope. ❤️

I’ve sat on this for a couple of months because I was worried maybe it was too soon, that I might upset those really struggling, those who have been sick longer…, but honestly… today is a sad day for benzo buddies…. So maybe it’s a good time to bring some hope that it can get better. That u can be well again. I withdrew from 10 drugs all up. If I can do it, so can you.

 

I never thought I’d be here. I remember spending days crying and too weak to make myself something to eat. Feeling insane, lonely, so so unwell and omfg the insomnia. Days and days of endless waking hours. If u google benzo withdrawal syndrome, I had every symptom except hallucinations, seizures and psychosis at one time or another. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine_withdrawal_syndrome

 

I am still not 100% but i am getting close. I am mentally totally back. Physically, not really but I’m working on it. Emotionally, I’m licking my wounds and I’m more cautious now. Spiritually, I’m not sure who or what I believe in. I asked god for help so many times and I’m not sure he was listening. I think enduring this will either make u a total deist, or a total atheist. But I’m on the fence because maybe he listens after all.

 

People talk about rock bottom. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through this understands what that truly means. We’ve broken thru the sediment, been stripped so far back through the layers we are naked to our core. Where u lose so much of urself and are so out of touch with reality you don’t know who or where u are. Or sometimes what you are.

But bouncing off is when you start to move back towards where you need to be. Towards the light.

 

My story is no different to yours. If u want a blow by blow well one day I’ll post it, but it’s honestly too traumatic for me to relive right now. Here is not the place for that. This is rebirth. I am stronger than I ever have been in my entire life. I face things head on now. No self medicating to soften the blows of life. Thank you for ur lesson universe. My god u are a mean motherf$cker but I hear u.

 

Life is complicated, and messy. It doesn’t ever go the way we want, not forever anyway. I’m not hiding from it ever again, it’s mine, and I’m here for all of it. Life tried to take me down. Well I showed that b@tch.

 

To my buddies. U will never know how much u mean to me. There are key people but I think you know who u are. If I drop names I will surely miss one and I don’t want anyone thinking I’ve forgotten what they did for me. I haven’t. I never will. Thanku from the bottom of my heart. If I asked for ur help and u answered, Thanku. Talking with someone going thru the thick of it can be hard when u are in a better place. We sound nuts, but we aren’t. Remember that once ur out of the woods. The success stories that helped me the most were frieda8, theway2, misty, traumatized80, mtfan and Annie’s. Obviously my worst symptom was severe insomnia so I must’ve read those stories 100 times each. To those buddies thank you - ur stories of healing literally were all I could cling to some days. ❤️

 

Ur end game is coming. I promise one day ur success story will be here. Never forget what u went thru to get it. I sure won’t. I promise to stay here and help others, although sometimes I will need a break, as I am still fragile, and hearing the suffering can be too much for me at times.

 

The upside is this. I survived. I chose every day to stay here and fight. I am really proud of myself for not listening to that voice. That voice is strong. During my wd my husband had a massive stroke and I still somehow got thru it. It’s really a miracle I am here.

 

We are all warriors. Making the choice to stay and fight is extremely hard. But we’ve made it. Every day when things seem too hard, think about where u have come from. U are going to make it, don’t u dare give in.

 

I’ll be here at the finish line with my Pom Poms waiting for u x

 

Wow Shayna. I woke up to this! You give me so much strength. And I love your prose and yore style. You have a gift- maybe that’s what this mess was all about - it’s purpose. Thank you for representing a warrior woman. Thanks for letting us stand on your shoulders in this fight.

 

Xx KB

Thanku sweet kanoba. Ur lovely messages have always made me feel like I had a little cheer leader in my corner. We’ll be doing cart wheels together in no time at all. Keep going. 

From your lips to the universe.

Shayna:  What you wrote is absolutely beautiful.  I am sure I am going to read it many more times.    Although I didn't "know" you from the beginning of your journey, I have followed you very closely the last 18 months.  The clarity with which you speak is amazing.    I cannot thank you enough for reaching out and sharing this post today.    I am in a very tough spot, but I am fighting.  Almost 29 months out and in a horrible wave.    I am despairing a bit today, but not hopeless.    I know there will be better days ahead; I just have to hold on. 

 

Thanks for all the encouragement along the way.    I am so happy for you!!!  Please don't be a stranger!

 

Lovely Dec x like kanoba ur messages have always been so wonderful to receive. I know how hard it is. I had a bad night last night, I’m not fully recovered but I would say enough to say it’s good enough.

Always hold onto hope, the success stories don’t lie. We do get better, when the right amount of time passes. I wrote it more for you than me. It’s important to hear it gets better x it really does ❤️ Stay strong honey x

I remember you when I started my taper and perhaps I have asked you when do we heal many times in pm and posts.

You were always positive. My taper will end in 10 days.

Let's see if I too can heal in 2 years.

 

"Thank you for ur lesson universe. My god u are a mean motherf$cker but I hear u."

 

Yes! You nailed it, Shayna! Thank you for your bravery. No one will ever know but us. Thanks for being such a light.

You are going to make it to the other side scared cat. Just u watch. Jump party in 10 days? I’m there for it 

 

Thanku open road. Some of my posts were grim at times but I always tried to have a laugh, no matter how dark it was. Laughing is so important thru this. Finding the humour in a bad situation has always helped me and I hope it can help u too 

Shayna thanks for this wonderful post indeed life dealt us a hand....I know those days so well... You have spoken so well about the despair in this process...

Only the real can relate....I remember this one day in my first year off I felt so much despair and started questioning how one can feel like that and still be alive.. Started looking for answers then I came across a quote that gave me an anchor "The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night sleep"..I said to myself if I could sleep through the night there is hope...I woke up feeling different the next day...

We all know many a dark days...God ...This has been one hell of a process...

Jump party 🎉🎉 for sure. But your success story was in itself a party for me.. You know how it feels to read a success story, I feel like dancing for a moment in happiness.

Before you decide to leave BB, can I request you to stay in touch with you as you know in the darkest days one who is in the other side can offer hope.. If yes then how..

Thank you so much for this. I also stopped an AD 17 months ago snd zopiclone 13 months ago, and still suffering so much. It feels hard to believe that it will ever get better...

Congrats one of my original BB friends!

 

So happy for you!

 

I’m still not there, sidelined with a ton of issues, not related to these drugs.

 

One day I’ll get there. One day.

 

Winnie

Shayna thanks for this wonderful post indeed life dealt us a hand....I know those days so well... You have spoken so well about the despair in this process...

Only the real can relate....I remember this one day in my first year off I felt so much despair and started questioning how one can feel like that and still be alive.. Started looking for answers then I came across a quote that gave me an anchor "The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night sleep"..I said to myself if I could sleep through the night there is hope...I woke up feeling different the next day...

We all know many a dark days...God ...This has been one hell of a process...

 

My buddie bex xx

Yes I know those kind of days. I remember Christmas Day I think it was 3 years ago I was watching my kids swim but too weak to get in. I was crying behind my sunglasses and thought of what was in front of me. I knew I had to get off 3 drugs still at that point and I wondered how I was going to survive it. But we do somehow don’t we mate? X

 

We will all be here some day. We just have to hold that line. 💋

Jump party 🎉🎉 for sure. But your success story was in itself a party for me.. You know how it feels to read a success story, I feel like dancing for a moment in happiness.

Before you decide to leave BB, can I request you to stay in touch with you as you know in the darkest days one who is in the other side can offer hope.. If yes then how..

 

I’m not going anywhere honey x I’m gunna stay and help. Besides I would miss everyone too much xxx

Thank you so much for this. I also stopped an AD 17 months ago snd zopiclone 13 months ago, and still suffering so much. It feels hard to believe that it will ever get better...

 

You will. I was on (not all at the same time) mirtazipine, lexapro, rohypnol, temazepam, zopiclone, amitriptiline, dotheipine, zyprexa, metroprolol, prozazin and Valium.

 

I can’t tell u in words how coming off and on these drugs feels. Unhinged? Torn apart. Nothing really comes close. But I am completely sane and in control of my emotions now. I do cry sometimes when I talk about what happened, but it was trauma, and if I didn’t cry that would be wierd too.

 

I promise u if u give urself enough time u will get better. Trust the process ❤️

Congrats one of my original BB friends!

 

So happy for you!

 

I’m still not there, sidelined with a ton of issues, not related to these drugs.

 

One day I’ll get there. One day.

 

Winnie

 

Oh Winnie my sweet friend. Imma drag u acccross the line I swear! It’s lonely over here without my OG peeps… come on over. We can go dive bomb into my creek and pull our wedgies outta our bums as we get outta the water 

 

I can’t wait for u to figure that one out 

 

Ur day is coming I promise. Don’t worry. Just one foot after the other til u get here mate. Xx

Congratulations Shayna! You've claimed your life back, step by step. I'm happy you have seen so much improvement. You never gave up. Well done!

Thanks honey x I’ve got a bit to go still but I wake up knowing the worst is behind me and I’m ok now. I couldn’t have gotten here without everyone’s support here so Thanku ❤️

Well my dear, I can guess what that all means!!

 

I’ll send you a PM when I get a chance.

 

I’m in the weeds right now, can’t see my way through.

 

:'(

 

 

Well done Shayna 

I'm so glad to hear all your news 

Thanks Casper xx  Hope ur doing okay? ❤️ Sending a hug Aussie buddie x

 

Thanks Casper xx  Hope ur doing okay? ❤️ Sending a hug Aussie buddie x

 

I am still trying to "get busy living" and not doing as well as I'd like but I'm much better for reading your Success Story! 

right back at you and yours 

That’s the spirit honey  good girl. Put ur middle finger up to it I say