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Total and complete 100% success - 26 months - You will heal too!


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Written May 15, 2022

Took Ativan for 4 months. Between .5mg and 1mg per day. Took 26 months after fully stopping Ativan to get better.

 

Here is my success story.

I am feeling 100% better after 26 months off Ativan. SUPER hard process. But made it through this incredibly crappy experience.

 

I went through HPV throat cancer treatment about 7 years ago (chemotherapy and radiation). And going through cancer treatment was a cakewalk compared to going through benzo after effects.  So everyone on benzobuddies.org, I completely understand what you are going through. This is the hardest thing you will ever do in your entire lives.

 

Trust me, you WILL get over this crap

 

But trust me, you WILL get over this crap. You will never think you will. But you will, it just takes a long time and perseverance and dealing with a bunch of serious crap along this awful journey.

 

You will also think you have every possible medical condition that might be causing this situation (outside of taking benzos). But for the great majority of people, it is exactly what you read in benzo buddies (it is almost 99% of the time caused by long term effects of taking and stopping benzos).

 

I personally saw every specialist you could think of. I had CAT scans of my brain. MRI of my entire body. I saw psychologists that said I needed to get on antidepressants and also said I needed to get back on Ativan!!  BTW, I took zero medications after Ativan.

 

Took every type of vitamin and tincture or herb you could think of. Went to see many alternative medicine experts I could think of, but unfortunately they did not seem to help. But remember, I was pretty messed up, so was not able to continue alternative treatments for the time period as they requested.

 

I probably spent over $20,000 on all these treatments over the past 2 year, but got zero help.  It was just regular old crappy benzos, messing with my brain and body.

 

So just like I said at the beginning, you WILL get better, it just takes a long time (much longer than you think). I thought, heck, stop benzos. I will be better in a few weeks. I am a healthy 55 year old guy. I take super good care of myself. Swim, yoga, surfing, skiing, organic foods, etc. But NO, I was totally messed up. My wife and kids thought I was a completely different person.

 

Went from a happy-go-lucky dude. To be a very anxious and slightly depressive person almost overnight. BTW. I have never been anxious or depressed at any time in my life (only after taking Ativan).

 

Why did this guy start taking Ativan in the first place?

 

So you are probably asking, why did this guy start taking Ativan in the first place? I was having business problems (I run a large tech corporation) and was starting to have sleeping (insomnia) problems (waking up at 4am each morning). So my regular doctor gave me Ativan and said it would help me sleep.

 

She was right, Ativan (only .5mg once per day) totally helped me sleep and relax me...for about 3 months. After 3 months I needed to take more Ativan to help me sleep. So my doctor raised the amount to 1mg per day. And then after 3+ months I started to feel anxious and my sleep started getting worse (??).

So what did I do? I stopped taking Ativan (cold turkey), not knowing you were NOT supposed to do that. No one told me. Not the doctor, not the pharmacist, no one.  So within 24 hours of stopping cold turkey, I ended up in the ER. The docs were flipping out. I was crashing, my body was shuddering, hallucinating, severe anxiety. Felt like I was going to die. Brain scans, heart monitor, they were going to fly me by helicopter to a trauma center for brain damaged patients.

 

But one ER nurse was smart. She asked my wife. Does your husband take any benzos? My wife said yes, and my husband stopped taking yesterday. So the nurse gave me 1mg of Ativan and I felt 100% better. Was discharged from the ER in about 1 hour. The ER docs were blown away and did not know that a small little 1mg pill could mess with someone so badly.

 

So after that point, I knew I had a problem. I needed to get off this Ativan crap and never take it again.  So I then started doing my online research, as I figured out the doctors were clueless to help me.  I found BenzoBuddies and started reading posts and realized I was not the only one having this issue.  I am not a post type of writing guy (just a reading type of guy). So I read and read on BenzoBuddies and figured out the best way of slowing getting off Ativan (took me 4 months of slowing cutting/decreasing doses and finally got off it).

 

Long term issues after stopping Ativan

 

I thought to myself. I am healthy, exercise, etc. I should not have any long term issues after stopping after 4 months. But was I wrong. It actually got worse after 4 months of stopping Ativan. I will not go into all the symptoms, but overall I was very anxious 24/7. Fully hyperactive, agitated, could not calm down. Felt i could run a marathon each day. I was so "wired" that I was only getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep. Many nights I got zero sleep.

 

To help work off the symptoms, I would swim for 1.5 hours per day in the pool. (btw - swimming everyday I think saved my life - as I was able to work off all that excess energy and able to slightly calm down for part of the day). Then in the afternoon, I would take my dog for a 1.5 hour walk. So three hours of exercise each and every day for 2 years.

 

I am going to be honest with everyone here. I thought after 6 months of stopping Ativan, I would be getting slightly better. But I was getting worse. More anxiety (now some depression because things were not getting better). But I stuck with it. 1 year went by and not any better, still the same. 1.5 years went by. Still the same. No difference.

 

I am thinking, what the f..k! I am going to have this crap for the rest of my life. Other people on BenzoBuddies said they were better after 1 year. I must be the outlier and going to have this crap for the rest of my life.  Then BOOM, by month 21 I started to get EVEN worse. No freaking kidding. Instead of getting better I was reversing and getting even worse. Even swimming and walking everyday was not helping. I was getting zero sleep for 2-3 days per week.

 

Starting getting worse at the very end

Then you are not going to believe it. By month 22, one day I woke up and started to feel slightly better. I thought, holy crap, so this is what it feels to be "normal again". Then boom, the next day, back to feeling crappy again. The two days later, I felt somewhat normal again. This went on and off for the next 30 days. Then at around 23 months (almost 2 years). I was having more normal days, then bad days. I was actually sleeping somewhat.

 

Then by month 24, I was about 80% feeling better every day. Still needed to work out about 1 hour of swimming, but no anxiety and no depression. And a slight ringing in my ears. But overall MUCH better from before.

 

At about 26 months (which I am now writing this post) I am about 95% better now. Sleeping 8 hours per night (only waking up one time for bathroom) and then right back to sleep. Zero anxiety. Zero depression. Only a slight ringing in the years. Able to be a normal functioning human again. Feels exactly the same as I did BEFORE taking Ativan.

 

Conclusion

 

So summing up, you WILL get better. I am a perfect example of this. The absolutely hardest thing I have ever done (even harder than going through chemotherapy and radiation for cancer). But I survived and have many years now to enjoy life and enjoy my wonderful wife and kids.

 

My wife was wonderful through the entire long process. She stuck by me, as she knew someday her husband would be his normal, goofy, happy-go-lucky guy again. I have been blessed to have such a great family that stuck by me the entire time. That really helped out.

 

I will never take any benzos (and in fact no pharmaceutical unless I research myself - no depending on doctors anymore ). You can do the same and you will also be writing a similar success post after you have survived benzos.

 

Here are some quotes that really helped me out:

"Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems"

"Crap happens in live, just need to deal with it"

"Bad times will pass, just takes some time"

 

Here is a website I created to help educate people about the dangers of benzos (benzodiazepines): https://www.AvoidBenzos.org

 

I am dropping the mike now. Take care of yourselves and you will get better.

 

***************

ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM COMMUNITY

I am going to add to my Success posting on questions that I have been asked.

 

5/16/2022

 

So glad my Success posting is helping everyone. btw. It took me a couple of months to write this; as I almost got PTSD just writing down about the hell hole I dug myself out of.

 

To answer your question:

"After all this, do you feel like you tapered too quickly? Was your taper wrought with symptoms, or was it fairly manageable?"

The taper was tough. And I did not want to prolong the process, so I thought 4 months to taper was ok for myself. But best to read more on Benzo Buddies. Just do what your body tells you. My body said to "get the hell off this crap".

 

To be honest, in my case (and remember everyone is different coming off benzos) the taper was the "easier" of the entire process. The 2 long years of feeling incredibly crappy (I wish I could use a much stronger cuss word instead of crappy) was actually the hardest. Just worn me down. And worn down my wife and kids. Everyone was worn down going through this long process.

 

This benzo crap affects everyone. Yourself, family, friends, co-workers, etc.

 

When I was sent to the ER, as noted in my posting, my kids and wife thought I was going to die. And I thought I was actually going to die. So it just shows you how powerful this drug is.

 

When I told my regular doctor and psychiatrist about the issues I was having, they literally said it was all in my head: "Benzos do not do this type of stuff". They also said I should get counseling and take antidepressants. So absolutely wrong they were. btw. I do not use those doctors anymore. And I am super careful about anything doctors tell me anymore.

 

Everyone, feel free to ask questions that you think would be helpful to the entire Benzo Buddies community. I am super busy running my company, but always have time to give back to this Benzo community. And try to help more people get through this benzo nightmare.

 

I thought this condition would last forever and I my brain was just permanently messed up from taking benzos. How wrong I was. Do not give up. I cannot stress this. You will get over it!!

 

***************

 

September 6, 2022

Just had a really good question asked to me about insomnia. See my below response. And hopefully that will help everyone else.

 

Hi surferdude, thanks for posting your success story. I'm experiencing horrid insomnia from a setback and right now I'm having night wakings at 3-4 am feeling like I can go and run a marathon and it's been 9 months without relief. My sleep is so messy I'm so scared it'll never go back to normal and I've never had insomnia in my life. May I know how did your sleep improved and how did it go back to normal? Did you just lie in bed when you were unable to go back to sleep?

I'm also unable to nap as well even if I barely sleep and never feel sleepy. Did you experience the never sleepy feeling and feeling like you're wigged out on caffiene 24/7?

Is your sleep normal now and can you nap and feel sleepy too? Sorry for asking so many questions

 

MY RESPONSE

No worries for asking so many questions. I felt almost the exact same as you before I got better.

 

Yes, I had horrid insomnia as well. Per my success story, sometimes I went 2-3 days with almost zero sleep. I would wake up between 1am to 4am and feel like I could run a marathon (that is why I swam like 1.5 hours per day). I would just lie in bed and shake/tremble and pace and scream sometimes. I never felt sleepy for 2 years. And also felt like I drank like 10 cups of coffee.

 

It was unrelenting discomfort. The next day, I would be a zombie for the lack of sleep. I could not think clearly and very forgetful and would essentially be in a daze all day.

 

I would also sleep in another room, so as not to disturb my wife. And I went almost 2 years with no relief with my insomnia. The absolutely the worst experience I have ever gone through for 2 years. I thought it would never end.

 

I tried almost every sleep vitamin/herb on the planet and nothing worked. I must have spent like $5,000 trying all different things for my insomnia and nothing worked.

 

And btw, I never had any major insomnia like this before I started taking benzos. So all my insomnia was benzo related, because when I finally healed, I went almost straight back to sleeping 7-8 hours per night (no more waking at 3-4 am or anything).

 

I also felt the exact same way as you, and thought my sleep would never get back to normal. I felt like I would live my entire life with messed up sleep. I was scared and essentially freaked out. But my wife kept telling me "this will all pass someday". And she was so correct.

 

Per my success post, the end of my 24+ month protracted recovery was the worst (sorry to give you the bad news about that). Sleep got worse, anxiety got worse, everything got worse. And then all of the sudden one day, I actually had a somewhat normal day and slept till like 5am. And then I went bad again for a few days. Then I slept till like 6am. And then went bad for a few days.

 

This kept going on for a couple of months. And then all of the sudden I was sleeping normally again and I can nap no problem. No more feeling like running a marathon. I feel like a completely normal person. And I have felt this same way for going on 10+ months now.

 

So based upon the above, you are definitely not the only one going through this awful experience. And you will get better, it just takes a lot longer than what you ever imagined.

 

You need to be strong and remember that I am a perfect example of dealing with this crap and coming out completely normal again. And pretty soon, you will be writing your own success story and replying to people asking the above same questions, and helping other benzo people get through this crap.

 

***************

Question from November 20, 2022

Did you have serious muscle tightness and anxiety? When were you able to do things with your family again. I find that that between exhaustion from insomnia and the chemical anxiety that I just cannot handle doing normal things with my family. Like going to my son's football games or going out to dinner at night. I so miss doing those things but just cant seem to handle the stress.

 

 

Per my Success Story. Yes, I had severe anxiety after stopping benzos for almost 2 years. fyi: I had zero anxiety before benzos. Muscle tightness was so so, but bearable.

 

Please read my success story. You will see that I am 100% back to my previous self. And I do all the fun things with my family again. And this WILL happen to you. Just takes much longer than your ever anticipated.

 

But for almost 2 years after stopping/tapering benzos, I was totally messed up and had a very difficult time doing anything with my family. It was extremely stressful to myself and my family. But per my story, we as a family just dealt with this crap and made it through. The absolutely hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life was surviving those 2 years. Going through throat cancer treatment many years ago with chemotherapy and radiation was a cake walk, compared to the brain damage that benzos does. But your brain does heal. Just takes a long time and you will get better.  

 

Make sure your family understands that mom/dad got some brain damage with this awful medication, BUT you will be back to your old self, just takes time for the brain to heal itself. Tell your kids that Mom/Dad is going through some hard times, but mom/dad WILL get better. Your family will understand. They will still be worried, but will be less worried that mom/dad is healing (abet slowly).

 

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Congratulations for your healing and thanks for sharing this . I am 23 months out someday I felt like I was getting close to the finish line but someday I feel like I will stuck in this hell forever your story really giving me hope! Thank you! :smitten:
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Oh how I needed to read this today! Thank you so much and huge congratulations to you for getting through it. I'm sorry for your suffering but so glad that's in the past.  Thanks for spreading the hope. 
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Congratulations on healing, surferdude! After all this, do you feel like you tapered too quickly? Was your taper wrought with symptoms, or was it fairly manageable?
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Wow! Congratulations Surferdud.  We have some similarities.. I was put on the benzo when taking chemo at 29; I’m 60 now.  I’m just  10 months off Ativan and as you can imagine having a crazy hard time. Thanks for your story and reaching back to spread hope. 

Feeling fire

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So glad my Success posting is helping everyone. btw. It took me a couple of months to write this; as I almost got PTSD just writing down about the hell hole I dug myself out of.

 

To answer your question:

"After all this, do you feel like you tapered too quickly? Was your taper wrought with symptoms, or was it fairly manageable?"

The taper was tough. And I did not want to prolong the process, so I thought 4 months to taper was ok for myself. But best to read more on Benzo Buddies. Just do what your body tells you. My body said to "get the hell off this crap".

 

To be honest, in my case (and remember everyone is different coming off benzos) the taper was the "easier" of the entire process. The 2 long years of feeling incredibly crappy (I wish I could use a much stronger cuss word instead of crappy) was actually the hardest. Just worn me down. And worn down my wife and kids. Everyone was worn down going through this long process.

 

This benzo crap affects everyone. Yourself, family, friends, co-workers, etc.

 

When I was sent to the ER, as noted in my posting, my kids and wife thought I was going to die. And I thought I was actually going to die. So it just shows you how powerful this drug is.

 

When I told my regular doctor and psychiatrist about the issues I was having, they literally said it was all in my head: "Benzos do not do this type of stuff". They also said I should get counseling and take antidepressants. So absolutely wrong they were. btw. I do not use those doctors anymore. And I am super careful about anything doctors tell me anymore.

 

Everyone, feel free to ask questions that you think would be helpful to the entire Benzo Buddies community. I am super busy running my company, but always have time to give back to this Benzo community. And try to help more people get through this benzo nightmare.

 

I thought this condition would last forever and I my brain was just permanently messed up from taking benzos. How wrong I was. Do not give up. I cannot stress this. You will get over it!!

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Thanks surferdude for posting this.  We can use all the success stories ! So encouraging.  I think at some point we all think we are always going to be like this like you did.  Thanks for letting us know your experience and that we can all get back to “normal” . Stories like yours keep us going!  :smitten:

 

2cats

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Way to go Surfer! Now live it up to the max! You deserve it after making it through this. What a great post and well written. Thank you for sharing. I’m at 23 months. I’m well on my way to the end of this too. I’m getting better each month finally. I can’t wait to write my story too.
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  • 1 month later...

Surferdude,

 

Congratulations! Thank you so much for your encouraging story. I can really relate. I haven't had too many windows just a lot of suffering but recently I've had more suffering in the last month and I'm almost 25 months out. But I've also had little mini windows that are popping in and out that I didn't have before. I even had a whole day window. So from reading your experience it encourages me that I might be getting close now. Thanks again and hugs to you!

 

LiveLife

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just read your story again this morning as I need encouragement.  It's SO helpful knowing you got through this.  In a 2 week (so far) wave right now at 13 months off and needing to hear positive stories.

 

Thanks again SurferDude.

 

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Ditto, Helen! I needed to reread this too. My 2 year anniversary is rough so far! So we keep going as Surfer said…don’t believe that we won’t heal because we are, we will. What we feel makes us quickly entertain those thoughts. Keep hanging in there.

Surfer if you are reading this I once again thank you for your report of perseverance and strength. I wish you all the best in your new healthy life! 🤗 I sure will be glad when it’s my turn!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am 57 years old.

And yes, I now have zero insomnia after many long months of protracted healing after quitting benzos. I went from getting only 2-3 hours per night. And sometime several days with no sleep. To sleeping 7-8 hours per night.

So if you did not have major sleeping problems before benzos, then you will probably start sleeping just fine after healing,

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I am 57 years old.

And yes, I now have zero insomnia after many long months of protracted healing after quitting benzos. I went from getting only 2-3 hours per night. And sometime several days with no sleep. To sleeping 7-8 hours per night.

So if you did not have major sleeping problems before benzos, then you will probably start sleeping just fine after healing,

Struggling with crappy broken sleep 10 months out, i keep coming back to read your success story.

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  • 1 month later...

I am back at BenzoBuddies to see how everyone is doing.

 

So glad that many of you have appreciated my success story and it has helped you out.

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  • 2 weeks later...

26 months and 2 weeks….still getting slammed with waves and uptick in vestibular/ balance symptoms. I’m hoping this is my “slam before I heal”. I was hoping to be much better by now but not the case. So I’m praying some fine tuning is going on so I can finally enjoy my life outside of this apartment. Because of these vestibular issues, I can’t tolerate being in the car or walking very far. But I have improved because not long ago I couldn’t hardly walk at all. Wow this is soooooooo slow!

Thanks for checking on those of us who are trying to get to where you are.

Hugs, surfer. 🤗

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I love your story. Had what you had after less than few weeks of Ativan. It's been a year now and I wrote a success story after the morning cortisol rushes stopped, which was the last major symptom. It's been a year now, and it's smooth sailing. I'm betting that a year from now I'll feel even better though. Glad to see we all heal eventually!
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