The biggest regret of my life began when I started taking Xanax to combat a fairly mild case of insomnia. Looking back I’m appalled any doctor would prescribe something so harsh, instead of melatonin or just some camomile tea. But I followed the doctors orders and took the pills, 1mg at night for around 8 months, when the negative effects on my health became too severe to ignore.
I was having interdose withdrawals, I was nauseous all the time, my anxiety was increasing, I just knew the pills were bad for me.
I was advised to taper rather than cold turkey, however the doctors taper schedule was way too fast, around 6 weeks when it probably should have been 6 months or more. But I didn’t know then.
The taper was rough but when I jumped off that’s when my world completely turned upside down. I had every symptom in the book, except seizures. In the first 2 weeks I hallucinated spiders and rats in my room, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, my heart pounded a million miles a minute, I felt breathless, my skin [...], my vision was blurry, I was so dizzy I couldn’t walk without holding on to something etc, etc, etc.
Of course then there were the mental symptoms, a dark hole of depression that felt like it was the end of the world, utter and complete despair. Then the constant, and I mean non-stop, panic, like I’d been thrown out of a plane with no parachute. And I couldn’t calm myself down, talk myself down, nothing worked.
It’s actually hard to remember those early days with any clarity, now it all seems like a blur, like it happened to someone else. I had severe DP/DR at the time, so nothing felt real, I didn’t feel like I was really there, as though my life was a movie, and although I could see it, I couldn’t reach out and touch it or connect with it.
The hallucinations faded pretty quickly, and the nausea eased so I could at least tolerate a few foods, but everything else just dragged on and on.
Somethings even seemed to get worse as time progressed, like fatigue.
At first I was sure by 4 weeks off I would be seeing improvement, but 4 weeks came and went with no change whatsoever. So I moved the goal posts a little. By 4 months I’m certain to be near the finish line, but yet again I was disappointed. Okay 6 months...No, 10 months..No, 18 months...No.
By second year I was really starting to lose hope. I didn’t seem to be getting better at all. I spent almost all my time laying on the couch or bed,even walking to my letter box left me shaking, dizzy and ready to collapse. Before this I was very athletic and sporty and I simply couldn’t believe how useless my body had become. I tried to eat healthy, I couldn’t take most supplements without triggering an avalanche of symptoms, but I did the best I could to get nourishment from foods.
Why was I so weak? Why was I always in pain? Was this all from benzos or did I have a mysterious illness? I did get a thorough check up, including a brain scan and tests for everything from auto immune diseases to infectious illness, and nothing abnormal was found. I read many other protracted people’s stories and related to so much of it. I thought my problems probably were from benzos, but I had no idea if and when it would end.
If I had to pin point a time when I started to turn a corner and see meaningful improvements I would say 30 months (2.5 years). I started to have windows that lasted more than a day and during that time I started to feel like my old self again. While back then the windows came to an end, my baseline was overall better and I was more functional. I was able to work part time and started going to the gym again. I couldn’t push myself too hard at first and had to slow down when waves hit, but I was never completely hopeless and bed bound for extended periods like I had been before. My mind started feeling clear and focused again and my anxiety eased (somewhat).
This period of healing was slow and tended to ebb and flow a bit, but I could finally see that I was actually getting better. The recovery was so gradual it was sometimes hard to detect, but when I looked back I realised, hey, I don’t have head pressure anymore, I don’t have brain zaps or dizziness or intrusive thoughts about death anymore.
The most persistent symptoms were fatigue and tinnitus. While I did still have some anxiety, it improved noticeably and since I had that pre benzos I’m not sure how much of the remaining low key anxiety was even withdrawal at all.
Now today, I’m 58 months off, I’ll be 5 years in 2 months time, and let me tell you I’m doing great. I’m 98% back to my old self. I occasionally have some background tinnitus, but after the hell ive lived through, if that’s all I have to deal with I’m FINE.
I’m happy, I’m hopeful, I’m healthy and I’m living my life. I have lots of energy and exercise all the time. I’m working full time. I don’t have any remaining food or supplement sensitivities. Things are back to normal.
I remember in the early days I felt completely dead inside, I felt like I couldn’t feel love or connection with anyone. That was absolute mental hell and made me feel like I wasn’t even human. Now I feel empathetic and warm towards others others. The difference is like day and night.
I was convinced that my case was different and that I was stuck in that torture for life. I was so wrong, and if you believe that you are wrong too. There is absolutely the possibility of a happy life ahead of you no matter how bad you feel now. Please keep hope alive.
