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Ambien nightmare survivor


[El...]

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Hello to everyone and sorry for not being around, it's like when we're healed and start to get our lives back, we get so busy taking back those lost hours days and years and sometimes it can be too much to be reminded of the pain we went through that we're in a way trying to put a distance to it all by not visiting the turmoil on these sites, it's simply too painfull to be reminded.

I'm popping in ocasually on the FB support groups posting updates now and then.

That said, It is because of this amazing site:  "benzo buddies" that I'm alive today.

Thank you so much!!!

Also all the people from when I arrived here completely messed up, I'm sorry I can't really remember your names from then but you're often in my thoughts and prayers.

To all those newbies I have only one thing to say..

NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!

Healing will come within time.

5th November 2021 I'm 5 years out.

Here's an introduction and I hope it will give some hope.

 

My name is Angelene I'm Danish living in Norway. My story are so much more than just being prescribed a benzodiazepine, because I was actually only prescribed ambien/z-drug.( zolpidem, imozop, stilnoct and others) who acts like a benzo diazepine)

 

But I was on it for more than 8 years.

 

My first tolerance symptoms was incontinence, back pain, muscle weakness, myalgia, inner distress, stomach issues, minor depressions on and off, joint and muscle/tissue pain, vertigo, blurred vision, PTSD

 

("Tolerance WD" means you're having WD symptoms even though you're still using the medication, it just means you've reached the tolerance roof, and need to get a higher dose to avoid the symptoms inbetween every intake by the medication, but if you upper the dose you will reach the tolerance roof even faster again every time.) Tolerance WD can appear slowly with symptoms physical or mentally, and are often mistaken by many exsperts to be increased anxiety/depression and the person will often end on higher and higher doses, but because they reach tolerance as fast as their dose are raised, they often end up being polydrugged with even more medications like ssri and opiates.

 

My first tolerance WD symptoms appeared slowly and most of them where physical in the beginning.

 

These are some of the symptoms that occurred years before I actually found out that the medication was the reason to it. My doctor never considered or connected them to my medication.

 

Back pain

Schiatia

Stomach issues

Incontinence

Neck pain

Myalgia

Feet pain

Chest pain

Sinus issues

Memory loss

Anger

Increased stress

Anxiety

Depression

 

Now later 5 years off when many of my symptoms has evaporated due to stopping the medication my doctor still refuses to recognise the connection, therefore I've now given her up, just like so many others who are suffering and going through this.

And sadly due to that fact, so many doctors and professionals are loosing a great opportunity to gain knowledge and understanding about what REALLY happens when we are tapering and getting off and also the real extension of how long it REALLY takes to recover from these horrendous medications.

 

Here's a part of my story who actually are so so much more.

 

And I wanna say, that even the tragic loss of my brother being murdered when I was 18 the sadness and despair from that incident are nothing compared to what I went though during these awfully years of torment.

 

It's not only a nightmare of torture, it's a life eater. It's been eating if we count the years in tolererance withdrawal in too around 6-8 years of my life.

 

I've been misdiagnosed and got my uterus removed because the professionals couldn't after several tests and scannings find any other reason to my incontinence, than my uterus probably was too big, and therefore the reason to my stress incontinence, which actually are a really common tolerance Benzo wd symptom.

 

Another important issue around my story are the fact that the only medication I used, was only an ambien/z-drug (stilnoct) sleeping pill and these meds are really really underestimated by the doctors, to the fact they're giving just as severe symptoms as any other ordinary Benzo and if not they're even more difficult to vean off due to its short half-life.

It's in fact a monster benzo in disguise.

 

And another fact is, that many many doctors are so under educated when it comes to these medications, that they're often tapering patients off a regular benzo and using and prescribing an ambien as a "helping medication" and the patient continues in a tapering that just never goes well...

 

I've seen it again and again on several forums.

 

It's a disgrace to everyone that doctors prescribe these meds to us with absolutely no knowledge about how to help us getting of off them.

Instead they're prolonging the suffering emmensily by their "I know best" attitudes.

 

I'm soon 5 years out now and things are so much better, but I'm not completely healed but very very close now.

I have waves but they are not as severe as in the early days, they're almost transparent and it's possible to live and doing everyday stuff while they're appearing. The duration of time increases also for each time and I now have many many more good days than bad ones.

I'll say I'm 99.8 % healed.

But I actually don't expect any complete full healing before after 7 years.

I still react on several things especially different food, honey has been a major trigger for me and sadly it still are.

But many things I reacted on earlier I can now digest. 

 

I don't know why it's always a lot of focus on addiction?? I never felt addicted to my pills!!

 

I was prescribed 10 mg for more than 8 years, I never took more than 5 mg. and I never felt I needed them and I never had much of panic if I didn't had them with me.

 

My tolerance WD symptoms increased by the years, starting with minor symptoms that later increased in even more and more severe weird symptoms, and I found myself visiting my PD more and more frequently with new symptoms again and again, mostly physical and later an extreme increase in stress and sometimes minor depressions. It was only like 5 months before my symptoms exploded into severe anxiety and panic attacks, and it was only myself who by an coincidence found the reason and connection between the symptoms and my medications, but only after being hospitalized (because of the above mentioned symptoms) in a psychiatric unit, who did not a see the connection at all, they not once asked me about the previous medication or questioned how long I've been on them, instead they convinced me to try an ssri medication.

 

That ssri I threw in their faces after 5 days and I still suspected they where an underlying cause to my increased symptoms.

 

It was only after I got home from the psychiatric unit ( who didn't want me there, due to refusing their pills)

 

I suddenly by a pure coincidence found the connection on the internet.

 

I read and read and it was like an epiphany to me.. I was then like in chock and determined that those pills where never a part of my life anymore.

 

And I stopped the meds emitely and got sooo sick, and I read again and realised they should have been tapered.

I was at that time so scared about what I've been reading and what those pills had been doing to me, that I tapered for 10 days, and never looked back.

 

I only realised later that I've actually done a cold turkey, but at that time I refused to go back even though I was now in a nightmare of torture.

 

But even there, I wasn't feeling any addiction or severe craving for the pills, though I was indeed craving for something to ease my suffering but knew by then the pills was pure evil.

 

I think there should be a much bigger focus on the fact, that we are in years of tolerance without any doctors to recognise it, and the lack of knowledge about how long we suffer after being veaned of too fast by the prescribers.

 

Just my opinion experience and thoughts about this.

 

When I finally jumped at 5th November 2016 I felt quite ok with minor symptoms and I thought "well I'll manage this and then 3 weeks later shit hit the fan and I was thrown into acute withdrawal symptoms.

I couldn't cope, I couldn't be in myself, the symptoms was a resentless torture of everything, insomnia with extreme panic attacks over and over, hallucinations, sweating, freezing, anxiety, crying spells depersonalisations, heart racing, blood sugar issues, internal vibrations, fear of everything, severe sensitivity to light and sounds, I was crawling around on the floor trying to cope and was in complete despair.

I also thought that I actually lost my mind and that this rally couldn't be the medication, I was probably really insane and considered going back to psychiatric unit but a voice deep inside kept me from that.

I then by a coincidence found benzo buddies on the internet, and I managed to write my story and how I was feeling and I got in response several people telling me that I was in fact not insane and I met others with similar stories, symptoms and suffering.

It was a true lifeline because I was so close to end it all.

Then I read and read listened, talked, suffered and slowly I began to understand the facts about these meds and how they react and alter the brain, and as soon as I got logical explanation to several things, like how the brain are affected by this, it was easier for me to learn how to cope.

I've always been a logical person and I need facts to understand things and I can then manage to put the pieces together.

So when I understood what was going on in my brain, I then understood why my brain and body was reacting the way it did.

That gave me the tools to change my wiev on the symptoms into something that was necessary to get through in order to get to the other side, and I managed to calm down and not go in panic for everything it was easier for my body and brain to focus on the repair.

The symptoms are in fact the proof that healing are in place, it's when we have the symptoms that the brain are trying to correct, so embrace your symptoms even though it's hard, when we're in a wave the brain are taking a small brake to find out where the next issue and damage are located and when it has found it and will try to fix it, the symptoms are on again.

So in my opinion we should not try to fight the symptoms or trying to surpress them with different miracle cures, it's like disturbing or handing a cup of coffee to a plumber while he's trying to fix your drains, it might cause that the plumber does a mistake on the repair or prolonging the time before the work is done.

It's of course individual from person to person all depending on different issues as genetics, what medication, for how long and how many different medications we was on and so on before the repair are finally done.

But in my opinion we will all heal if we're not disturbing the plumber 🙂

 

 

But it wasn't always easy and several times I nearly lost the grip.

What helped me a lot was to help others, to explain others how to cope made me less aware of my own symptoms and the days I was suffering most I often pulled myself away and went into a solitude mode where I was kinda just me and my symptoms trying to get a long.

We're all different and react differently during pain and that's an important thing to remember during this.

Well the first 4 months was pure evil hell of torture, month 5 and 6 was not pure but basic evil hell. I then started to have small windows, never completely open but more small glimpse of normality for seconds minutes and sometimes an hour or two. I was never completely symptom free in those moments, it was just a bit easier.

Month 7 I thought I was healed, I actually thought I was close to healing whenever the pain lifted.

I learned later to just flow with the waves.

Expect nothing and you won't get disappointed.

Well I thought I was healed around month 7 and started back at work, in fact I was just in a bigger window and when the window slammed shut with a big bang in month 8 I went into one of the longest waves with physical suffering for 3-5 months, my backpain, tendons, joints, neckpain almost everything in my body was scrutinizing and debilitating pain and made me part of the time bedridden and I could barely walk, it was awfull and I thought of course I had every serious illness in the book but at the same time I knew it was WD, and I always went to the stupid doctor of mine, made her do tests on this and that and if they came out clear I knew for sure that it in fact was WD. After that long wave a little something lifted.

And that's something I've noticed, after every wave it eases a little and those symptoms you have in one wave can come back again but in a less severe duration each time untill they're finally adjusted and repaired, because it is within the waves when we in fact are hammered with symptoms our bodies are undergoing a huge repair, the brain are working so so hard to correct everything that's been teared down after the chemical bombing.

 

When I entered year two it lifted even more, I started to see a pattern, I knew my symptoms like old enoying acquaintances that always came to the party uninvited and I also knew that if I accepted and ignored them and didn't try to force them away, they would most likely in time just leave by them self.

Later on the partyes got longer and less stupid annoying people attended uninvited👌☺️ Now they only appear occasionally and often they leave after a very short time without making a big noise out of themselves.

 

My symptoms???

Yeahh.. We all like to compare them... compare time frames and so on, my self included when I was in the middle of the storm. 

It was a way to mirror ourselves and to ensure that what we are experiencing really are what we hope, not a serious illness, and that's very important.

 

My symptom list are simply too long to write down, but I think I've had every weird one in the book and along with them I thought I had every serious illness from cancer, Lyme, fibromyalgia, Ms and everything else.

 

I have during this journey had almost every tests scans that's possible on a human body and they never found anything.

 

WD symptoms are great at maskerade parties, they are unique in mimicking every serious illness, so the issue that we're already incredible scared and frightened and the fact that almost every doctor and expert we consult are denying that WD can vary for so long and also refuse to acknowledge those symptoms as WD, doesn't make it easier for us to calm down and accept that it is in fact WD we're suffering from.

If doctors only had the knowlegde about this and tell people "yes this is infact WD symptoms I think many would be spared from unnecessary stress and uncertainty and instead focus on healing. 

 

I also learned early on that food are an important issue, and it has helped me to eat clean, avoid prossesed food, sugar.

This is very individual, we react on different thing. I had periods for over two years where I couldn't eat oranges, tomatoes too, today I can only eat organic ones, I get minor waves from non organic ( probably some chemical on the other ones I react on)

I also don't believe in short cuts and I believe there are none on this journey. I tried some different remedies vitamins and other stuff and they basically set me back again and again, the fact that I believe that every symptom are a blessing and a sign of healing it's kinda logic to me that to try and suppress the symptoms with different miraculous remedies are the same as trying to stop the brain from doing its job to repair everything.

 

Magnesium

Honey

Soya

D vitamins

B vitamins

Rewed up my symptoms big time and gave me set backs.

Alcohol are a big NO

 

Another thing are that I later found out, one of the most common side effects from my medication are in fact back pain and muscle weakness among many others I of course recognise to day.

If you use a medication for many many years, that's basically only ment for short term use it logical that you'll develop side effects at some point.

 

It's no coincidence that theres been a huge increase among the population on health welfare and early retirement due to many mysterious undiagnosed diseases and illnesses.

Never have mankind been more sick and never have they been prescribed so much medications.

 

Thank you and I hope everything was understandable despite English are not my mother language.

Remember we all heal and nothing are linear during this.

 

Lately these last month my eyesight has changed.

In my early WD days my sight went really bad and I had to change glasses two times.

Today 6th September 2021 I'm writing and reccorecting these words on my phone without glasses!! 

3-4 months ago I couldn't see anything on my phone without glasses, now I barely use my glasses, how weird is that???

 

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Wow thank you Albette for coming back and writing your story.  There are a handful of us on this site who only took Ambien, and we have found out like you how damaging this drug indeed is, when in fact everyone was told it wasn't a benzo.  Your experience is very much like mine, and through trial and error I have come to the very same conclusions: eat clean, avoid setbacks with seemingly innocuous vitamins, and practice acceptance, gratitude, self compassion and assure good rest and healing.  It's a little disappointing to hear that this experience can last into the 5 year mark, but the true hopeful takeaway is that you are nearly completely healed and living your life.

 

I will try to remember your advice the next time my uninvited guests crash my party LOL!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Angelene thank you soooooooo much for this! I needed this today. My story is nearly identical to yours. I kid you not! I also was only on Ambien for about 7-8 years. Never abused it. Took it nightly. My symptoms are nearly identical to yours as well as the delayed acute phase. Wow!! I would like to PM you with a few questions if you don’t mind? I’m in month 16 now. Just got slammed again a month ago after finally getting out of being bedridden for sooooo long.

The Ambien also was no different than a regular benzo in my case. You’re so right about that. It’s the same medication they altered a bit and sold as sleep meds. Very disturbing and sad!

I’m so happy to read your success story. I’m in tears right now…of joy. I knew I will heal but to have a witness of someone nearly the exact same experience is a HUGE relief for me. I wish I could hug you for this! Just like Deanna said there are some of us Zdrug users that are struggling just as much if not more than the regular BBs. You’re so right that doctors should be ashamed of themselves giving Zdrugs to “ help” with benzo WD. It’s the same thing.

I absolutely loved your party crash example. Just like Deanna I’ll keep that in mind!  :thumbsup::smitten:

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[21...]

I'm still in shock people can take these for years and not get serious side effects for so long. I started getting severe side effects literally a week from using, and 2 weeks in I felt like I was the walking dead, but I was stuck, dependent, and needing to taper off.

 

Maybe that was a good thing, since it forced me to make a choice: updose to reduce the torture, or quit and embrace the torture until it was over. I feel for you and hope you continue to improve. I never thought doctors were miracle workers, but I never considered they were this mind-numbingly stupid. When I look back in my life, every single GP I have dealt with, I can guarantee my IQ is at least 20 points higher. (I have known specialists that were awesome however, but not in the field of benzos. Mostly in the field of sports injury)

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I apologize to those of you who still feel symptom 5 or 7-8 years out, because I am happy for you that you have made so much progress.  But I wish I had not read this post.  I cannot hide my feelings.  It is absolutely devastating to read. 
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Thank you Guardian. I really appreciate that. Ambien ( Z drugs) are not a  joke!!! They’re just as bad as benzos. In some ways they’re worse!!! Look at what it’s done to us. I saw a medication commercial for insomnia yesterday and I had to catch myself from screaming at the screen…. “To hell with these drug companies making those devil pills appear safe. Being given out like candy.”

That slogan Ambien has “ works like a dream” should also say “ but you wake up in a nightmare”

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Elbette,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell your story.  I read every word with interest.  I'm also recovering from Z Drugs (Lunesta AND Sonata).  It's encouraging to read of your eventual healing and I found your insights both informative and kind of cute (unwanted guests...).  Many thanks to you.  I love visiting Denmark. I see you live in Norway now. I'm sure that's lovely too.

 

Enjoy your life!

 

HelenHMB

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Thanks to all of you, I'm happy if my story gave some hope and strength to continue your journey towards healing.

Remember even though it says 5 years and I'm still having minor symptoms, my life actually started to improve more and more in year 3 and 4  so its not like a non stop scrutinizing pain all 5 years, the longer we get, the more familiar the symptoms get, and we learn to not freak out whenever they appear, and I think that has an impact for the healing, the brain wont go into a complete stress defence mode whenever we are hit by a wave, and it can focus on healing despite the unwanted guests. In my opinion it is in fact whenever we are bombarded with symptoms the brain are working at the most to repair the damage. Whenever we have a window and theres a break in symptoms the body and brain are taking a pause to find the next area to fix.

That's why I'm against using different supplements and miracle cures during this trying to find a shortcut through everything. I see my body during this journey as a huge broken construction site where theres only one sole builder (the brain) trying its best to fix and recover all the damage, to add different supplements and miracle cures are in my opinion the same as trying to interfere with the work "the builder" is doing, and its just taking longer time. Imagine you have a plumber over to fix something in your house, he works for hours and then he says, i need this one special equipment to finish but I have to order it from somewhere else, I will be back in two days and complete the work, and he leaves and you are kinda inpatient and thinking hmm screw this I fix it myself, and you try, but you're actually not the expert on this field and you end up messing everything up, and when The plumber arrives he not only have to fix what was left but also the mess you made, and it takes even longer. This is my inner picture of how things worked inside me, so for me it came as logic for chickens to let the body and brain get the peace it needed in order to repair and fix everything, I learned to turn negative to positive, so whenever the symptoms where unbearable I tried to embrace them instead of fear them in order to heal, and that helped me immensely later to cope and continue.

I'm a very very inpatient and restless person so this journey has really teached me a lot about those skills.

Face your fears and they will no longer hunt you.

Love to everyone <3

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Elbette,

 

Another great message! Thank you. I agree about the supplements. I am afraid to take any. I think you have the right idea to not interfere with the process if at all possible. I believe that a very clean diet, lots of water and trying to stay as calm as possible are the best options I have.  It's not easy!! But I feel very encouraged with your story.

 

Thank you again,

Helen

 

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Thanks to all of you, I'm happy if my story gave some hope and strength to continue your journey towards healing.

Remember even though it says 5 years and I'm still having minor symptoms, my life actually started to improve more and more in year 3 and 4  so its not like a non stop scrutinizing pain all 5 years, the longer we get, the more familiar the symptoms get, and we learn to not freak out whenever they appear, and I think that has an impact for the healing, the brain wont go into a complete stress defence mode whenever we are hit by a wave, and it can focus on healing despite the unwanted guests. In my opinion it is in fact whenever we are bombarded with symptoms the brain are working at the most to repair the damage. Whenever we have a window and theres a break in symptoms the body and brain are taking a pause to find the next area to fix.

That's why I'm against using different supplements and miracle cures during this trying to find a shortcut through everything. I see my body during this journey as a huge broken construction site where theres only one sole builder (the brain) trying its best to fix and recover all the damage, to add different supplements and miracle cures are in my opinion the same as trying to interfere with the work "the builder" is doing, and its just taking longer time. Imagine you have a plumber over to fix something in your house, he works for hours and then he says, i need this one special equipment to finish but I have to order it from somewhere else, I will be back in two days and complete the work, and he leaves and you are kinda inpatient and thinking hmm screw this I fix it myself, and you try, but you're actually not the expert on this field and you end up messing everything up, and when The plumber arrives he not only have to fix what was left but also the mess you made, and it takes even longer. This is my inner picture of how things worked inside me, so for me it came as logic for chickens to let the body and brain get the peace it needed in order to repair and fix everything, I learned to turn negative to positive, so whenever the symptoms where unbearable I tried to embrace them instead of fear them in order to heal, and that helped me immensely later to cope and continue.

I'm a very very inpatient and restless person so this journey has really teached me a lot about those skills.

Face your fears and they will no longer hunt you.

Love to everyone <3

Absolutely beautiful explanation of our waves and windows. Especially the plumber part then we try to “ help” but make it worse. I totally agree. It’s best to leave our bodies alone, let it do what it knows it needs to do, give our brains a little extra tlc and rest up if you just got to help. I’ve also found acceptance to be the best thing I’ve done to cope with the process. Distracting is key as well. All day every day. To observe it but don’t participate in the madness of it. The waves are not easy but they’re necessary. You’re so right. Thank you so much for being a witness for us. May you continue to improve. I know we all will. Hugs

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  • 1 year later...

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

 

In the New Year I start the 4th year. I had no windows at all. My symptoms were reduced at month 4, 6, 18 and 32. Other than that every day is exactly the same. My symptoms are as follows: Anhedonia, fatigue, low energy, low motivation, low libido, no morning wood, weak bladder and urine stream, social anxiety.

 

I still have no motivation to work. I feel no drive and no energy. I am mostly at home lying in my bed and distracting myself with movies, series and reading. I am not sad and I am not happy. (Anhedonia).

 

The longest success story I have found so far lasted 4 years.

 

What symptoms do you have now after 6 years and how do you feel in general ?

I would be very happy to get an update.

 

Thanks ;)

 

 

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Stitch. I’m not sure if Ang is on here much to answer you but in my case I also had trouble swallowing for a bit. It did go away. I also had other factors that contributed to that issue such as oral thrush and very bad reflux at night which would back up to my throat as I slept. Doctor treated both issues successfully.  :thumbsup:

 

Experiment I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I know at your timeframe you must be frustrated and losing hope. Please a hang in there. Your way of healing and how long it is taking DOES NOT mean you won’t continue to heal. If you just keep doing all the right things as you are, you will heal. I feel your frustration because I’m also frustrated being 2 and half years out. Unbelievable how much time this takes! But, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be the rare ONE person that don’t ever heal. That is what I keep in mind. Don’t let the sun go down in your world. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were one of the ones that do a huge sudden stretch of healing. That happens to some on here. Feel like crap for past 3 years then suddenly HEALED quite a bit! I kind of did that but on a smaller scale. Wow I was soooooooooo sick and completely bedridden for so long! I’m now up whenever I want. Walking, cooking, etc. everything nearly restored except driving and riding in a car is a challenge. Those are only a matter of a little bit more time. Keep your eye on the prize….you’ll see, you will heal.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Thanks lady den! I got the reflux too, I am glad to hear you found relief. I'm not sure what's causing mine. But upward and onward!
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