[...] and Blue,
As you probably know [...], the anxiety that lots of us deal with during this process is not normal anxiety. Mine was an extreme 24/7 inner turmoil, terror and fear. For the period from when it started, during my agoraphobia, my taper and through my withdrawal it was constant. Having akathasia made it much, much worse. My mind never relaxed....even a few months in when I would have a brief respite late in the evening, it was still there messing with my thoughts.
Many times I felt like my mind wasn't my mind. I had suicidal thoughts every day for months, which were my intrusive thoughts Blue. I knew I didn't want to leave my wife and kids, but my mind told me I did. The "inner turmoil" was so exhausting that the pain and the lack of sleep at times seemed insurmountable. Perhaps you've been there. I don't want to get to specific about suicide, as this is a success story. You have to fight through every moment, and then hour and then day....one day we'll look back and realize we've climbed out of a dark deep hole without even knowing how far it was.
The anxiety and intrusive thoughts kept me at bay for almost a year. The anxiety started to lessen slightly for maybe an hour late at night after about 9 months so I used that as a sign that it was possible. I really believe too, like I said earlier that keeping a Journal of everything daily, how you feel, what helped, something positive, what to avoid...like foods helps looking back.
When I started doing this I rated my days 1-10 by how extreme my anxiety was. Good days at that time were 7's soooooo that shows where I was. I gave myself a [...] for days that something happened that felt somewhat normal. I would have possibly one maybe 2 stars a month initially.
After about 10 months I had some 5 or 6 days, and maybe 4 or 5 days in a month that got a [...]. This was important because as I looked back it was very helpful because when you're in the middle of it, you can't remember it was worse.
I just now looked at my journal and the last day I had 0 stars was [...] 1st....today is September 6th. Some days have 2 or 3 stars in that time, even a couple 4 [...] days!⭐⭐⭐⭐. Most days now are rated somewhere between 3-5 as far as anxiety level. It gets better, but it's not always linear. You WILL have setbacks, you will take 2 steps forward and 3 back at times, but your body is trying get back to homeostasis. It has to recover from the damage that it went through. It's not overnight for many of us.....but IT WILL GET BETTER!
THE KEY IS TO SURVIVE!!!!!!!!ONE MORE MOMENT, ONE MORE HOUR, ONE MORE DAY!!! As they add up you start to notice what you've came through and that you are stronger than you realized.💪
Keep swimming!!!🏊♂️
[...] this helps a little!!👍
Love❤ and prayers,
[...]
