Update: October 2020. I made a few changes (grammar) and added some updates to my recovery and healing story!
I started taking Benzos back in January of 2016 for some sleep issues. I Started with Xanax .5mg and then quickly went up to 2 mg by June. When Xanax stopped working, they put me on Temazepam and Klonopin at the same time! I took that for another 8 weeks and finished with a few days of Valium. I kept building tolerance so my sleep got worse and worse over time. At first, the Xanax could put me out for 8 hours, then it went to 7, 6, 5, 4 and less hours, you get the picture. Therefore, I had to up the dose to 2mg and that quickly faded as well. I was taking 3mg of Klonopin and 30mg of Temazepam at the same time and I found out later that the effect of taking two Benzos at the same time is magnified by 30% for some! Most doctors are not very smart when it comes to Benzos and apparently I was not either as I continued to take whatever they told me to take. They even wanted me to try Haldol, no thanks, check out the side effects from that heavy hitter! Even the Pharmacist said it could cause permanent uncontrolled jerks/movements in my arms, legs, neck, etc.
I quit Xanax cold turkey when I switched to the Klonopin and Temazepam. I quit both of those cold turkey as well as my doctor told me that I was not on them long enough to have withdrawal or seizures. I took Valium for 2 nights about a week after I CT’ed the other Benzos. In all, I was on Benzos for just over 6 months. Then I found Benzo Buddies. I joined in August 2016 under the name ThEwAy but had my account deleted so I would not be tempted to come on this site after being on it for almost 8 months. It is what I needed to do at the time. You can go back and look at some of my early posts. I rejoined under my current name [...]. I needed a break from BenzoBuddies.org but was too addicted to stop coming to this site. That was bad for me as I kept thinking the worst cases here would also happen to me regarding my WD and eventual recovery, if I were to recover at all. At least that is what my mind kept telling me at the time...that I would never recover!
My sleep went from what I thought was decent to 2 hours or less a [...]. As soon as I quit cold turkey, I started with the zero nights. They were horrific, as many of you know. I would often go for 3 and sometimes 4 nights in a row with zero, or no perceived sleep. This lasted about 9-10 months. Along with the brutal insomnia, I had a plethora of other symptoms including claustrophobia to the point where I could not even go into a large store and I had to spend my nights on the sofa with the front door open. I also had Panic attacks, burning skin, intrusive and looping thoughts, muscle twitches, major constipation, GI issues (Benzo Belly) noise sensitivity, clenched jaw, tinnitus, suicidal ideation, horrible anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, weight loss, Issues breathing, head pressure, rashes, vibrations, DP/DR, brain fog, etc.
I literally thought I was going to die. I seriously considered quitting my job that I usually like and have been doing for 31 years. It got so bad that my mother-in-law was talking to my brothers and other family members and was trying to get me committed to a psych ward. The doctors thought I was crazy and so did my wife and kids. They did not think it was a withdrawal problem, they thought it was mental illness. I was in four different Emergency rooms over a one-month period and all they wanted to do was put me on more drugs. BTW, ERs are for stabilizing care only, they are not for the treatment of Benzo WD, which there isn't much that can be done unless you want to try more Rx drugs?
I tried a bunch of other non-benzo drugs that really did not work for sleep for more than a [...] or two. After I found Benzo Buddies, I took the advice of some veteran Buddies that said my best bet was to get off everything. Therefore, I quit taking the Remeron and Seroquel and all of the other garbage they had me on--and it was a lot of different things. I usually only took them for a day or two and when they did not work, I flushed them. The best thing I ever did was stop taking everything and let my brain learn how to heal and to sleep on its own again. I even avoided all OTC and natural sleep aids and supplements. I do not think they are bad, but I just wanted to be completely free of everything. For those considering CBT-I for sleep or Sleep Restriction or any other sleep hygiene method, They don't work at all for Benzo-induced withdrawal insomnia. Not sure how they could when Benzo-induced insomnia is the result of TEMPORARY damage to the brain. They did not work for me. The other thing to keep in mind is that you do not need 8 hours of sleep a [...]. That is a myth. You can function normally on much less. In addition, you DO NOT have fatal insomnia. I think most people (myself included) believed they have that at one point or another, but you do not. It is ALL withdrawal insomnia and you won't die from having long periods of time with very little sleep. In fact, I never got sick, not even one time during the thick of my withdrawal when colds and flu were going through my home and I was only averaging 5-10 hours of sleep per week.
I thought I would never get better and considered suicide, but was too chicken to ever follow through or even attempt it. I think the thought of having a “way out” made WD tolerable. I would call the 800 prevention lines from time-to-time just to talk to someone. So for those of you contemplating suicide, my advice would be think about it but never act on any of those thoughts and do not keep anything around that you could use, such as a weapon, etc.
I live in the Midwest and flew out to Virginia to the Coleman Institute, and paid a lot of money in desperation for his Flumazenil treatment. Unfortunately, it did not work or at least not right away. It may have shortened the length of my WD? That was in September of 2016. Right after that, I started seeing a Counselor at a Christian Counseling center and then ended up seeing their Psychiatrist. The counselor and the Psychiatrist were very familiar with Benzo withdrawal, as both had worked in some large rehab clinics out on the east coast. Coincidentally the Psychiatrist’s name was also Dr. Coleman. He told me that I would recover in 1 – 4 months. I thought he was crazy. His definition of recovered was sleeping 4-6 hours 95% of the time and having my symptoms reduced 80% or more of where they were currently at. I was skeptical, but they really helped me through the recovery process. The only drawback was that it was an hour drive one way to Madison, WI.
By January of 2017, I started to get a little sleep maybe 1-3 hours at a time for 2 or 3 nights in a row. Some of my symptoms started to fade. However, it was very up and down for a long time. I went on a cycle where I would get some sleep for one [...] and then none the next [...]. Gradually it got better and better and I started getting sleep for 2, 3 then 4 nights in a row. However, those Zero nights were still there and those were the worst. I kept a sleep log and had about 70 zero nights over the first 9 months. Some good Benzo Buddies, Aloha, Siggy and MTFan were there for me through PMs and in general on forum posts. They kept telling me I would get better and that I needed to give it more time, and they were right. In addition, there were many other BBs too numerous to mention that gave me [...] and encouragement by responding to my posts and PMs. Thank you everyone and the BB community!
At about 9 months out, I started sleeping 5-6 nights per week for at least 4-5 hours. The sleep was broken but it really helped me heal. Within a few weeks, a bunch of my symptoms rapidly faded. About 6 weeks after I started sleeping better, most of my symptoms were gone. It was amazing. No more anxiety or depression and the dreaded claustrophobia was almost completely gone too. I really started to appreciate and enjoy life again. Little things made me happy that I used to take for granted pre-Benzo. I was hoping it was not just a window as I read about the windows and waves that most go through.
I had a good stretch of about 9 months of being mostly symptom free and having good sleep every [...]. Then in February of 2018, I had a 29-day insomnia only wave that included four zero nights and many 1-2 hour nights. It felt like acute again. I was freaking out because I had done so well for so long. However, like everything else, that wave ended and my sleep return to a more “normal” pattern. Things evened out. I still get a rough patch here and there regarding sleep. I can remember a few 3 or 4-day periods of very poor sleep at 32 months off and again at 38 months off. My sleep is not perfect but I now average 6-8 hours per [...]. I usually wake up 2 -4 times per [...], but can usually fall back to sleep quickly. Other nights it takes an hour or so. The biggest difference is that I stopped caring if I was getting x amount of sleep each [...] or not. That was super hard to do, but got easier and easier over time. Now, I know I can fall back to sleep when I wake up at 1:00 or 3:00 am and 95% of the time I do fall back asleep. I also developed a lot coping skills over the years that allow me to deal with any sleep issues I have today. For the first 9-10 months after my cold turkey, I would not get tired. I would feel tired, but my brain felt wired. Now, there are some days that I get so tired I fall asleep on the couch watching TV. I am writing a lot about sleep as that was my biggest issue and worst symptom that I struggled with besides the Anxiety, depression and claustrophobia. I had many other symptoms too, but they were easier to deal with.
How I knew I was healing? Here are some things I could not do for some time that I completely take for granted now. Take the trash down the driveway for pickup (too afraid). Watch a Hallmark movie (too intense and stimulating). Go into a large department store (e.g. WalMart) or an elevator, as I was too claustrophobic. Go out to eat or to a movie. Mow the lawn or shovel snow. Watch sports in person or on TV...excessively sound sensitive. Sleep on my own without thinking I had to take something OTC, Natural or Rx. I had severe insomnia that lasted about 9-10 months!
The other thing that helped me, besides not worrying if I slept or not, was to take a break from Benzo Buddies. Please do not get me wrong, this site has been a great resource for me and has many people that have experienced the same symptoms, insomnia, etc. Many of you helped me by responding to my posts and reassuring me. So if you need to be here, please stay and let others going through the same thing or those that recovered help you get through withdrawal. My issue was that I made everyone else’s recovery timeline, my timeline. For example, if someone did not start sleeping well until 2 years out, I would say things such as “it might take 2 years or longer for me to start sleeping again.” That is just how I process things. Therefore, I took a break from Benzo Buddies and I had a friend lay hands on me and pray for me. He has the gift of healing. Some of you will say I don't believe that, but I believe it as I experienced it. That was about 2 weeks before I starting sleeping pretty well out of the blue. I give God the glory and the praise.
I originally claimed success at 15 months off! Now I would say I was completely healed—99.5% at 24 months off, with the exception of a poor [...] of sleep every few months. I have my life back. I live the way I used to before this whole Benzo ordeal started. My family and I even went on a 7-day cruise in June of 2017 and it was awesome! Since then I have been to Florida on a family vacation in 2019 and we had planned to head back in March of 2020, but COVID-19 canceled our trip and we went to again in early April 2021. All of these trips were amazing and during the thick of my WD, the thought of going on this type of trip seemed IMPOSSIBLE. I want to point out, that when I or anyone else claims success or writes a success story, it really is not about what we did, but what we went through to get to where we are now. If there were some magic diet or supplement to take, the WD world and the BB community would know about it by now. Sure some people claim to have had success with NAD+ therapy and “unique” treatments (like Flumazenil), but Time and God are the only healers I know.
At my worst, I thought about taking the Family Medical Leave Act and taking a bunch of time off, but I used sick days instead. I ended up taking 21 days spread out over several months. As I already mentioned, I thought I was going to have to quit my job but I also learned that I could function pretty well on little or no sleep. I kept my job and my family…I needed too, I had bills to pay and my family needed me. Not that I handled it the best...I didn't...to this day whenever we bring up my withdrawal, my wife still says I was out of control, but she still doesn't understand how much Benzos make you temporarily mentally ill! I did what I could do to get through the mental torture and there was not much to hold onto. All of the medical professionals I saw said I had some other mental illness for which they wanted to “poly drug” me. There was no way, in their opinion; it had anything to do with Benzos or Benzo WD that none of them believed in anyway. It was always “the drugs are out of your system, you didn’t take a lot or for very long”, blah, blah, blah. Now that I am healed, I know (100% sure) it was always the Benzos all along!
The other thing that I did that I think helped me recover was eating a clean diet. I followed Dr. Gundry’s The Plant Paradox diet. His book is called, The Plant Paradox: The Hidden Dangers in “Healthy” Foods that Cause Disease is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc. I also walked 2 – 4 miles every day even if I got little or no sleep. It was hard, but it helped me in the end. I tried to lift weights but that seemed to ramp up my symptoms and reduce what little sleep I was getting. After I healed, I begin lifting weights and doing cardio again with no issues. Today I am a "gym rat" and typically go to the gym 6+ days per week for about 1.5 to 2 hours.
For those still struggling, it will get better. I do not know when, but it will. It just takes time and more time. However, it is very nonlinear, very UP and DOWN and a real roller coaster ride for most for some time. There is no Rhyme or Reason to anything. Expect the Unexpected. It is one-step forward, 2 steps back for most until you start to feel better and most start to feel better between month 18 and 24? Some feel better sooner and some take longer. Symptoms WAX and wane so do not freak out if you get a new symptom or something that seemed to go away pops up again. That is just the nature of Benzo WD and healing/recovery.
The Benzos lie to us all and make us believe we will have symptoms forever. Not true. A big fat lie. In fact, thinking you will never heal is a Benzo WD symptom along with thinking you have every disease possible--hypochondria? 99.9% of the time its all Benzo related. I had every medical test that insurance would pay for and they all came back negative. It was always Benzo WD. You will recover; you will get your life back. I did. I am 100% healed from the physical and mental symptoms and 99% healed in the sleep department. Enough to live a great life, enjoy it..., and believe me I do. I wake up every day and thank God for the day and the chance to live it "normally." Even going to work has been "fun" the past few years. There is not much I do not enjoy or appreciate now. It is as if I was given a second chance at life. Update 1/3/22: My sleep is getting even better...I now sleep in much longer segments of time before waking. In the past 3-4 months, I have been getting some nice 4, 5 and even 6-hour blocks of sleep without waking up!
In May of 2019, I ended up with a severely infected elbow for no known cause. I ended up having two surgeries and they wanted to give me Benzos prior to the Propofol. I politely declined and said I was allergic to Benzos. I had that added to my medical history even though it's not true. The doctor thought it was odd that I was "allergic" and asked what sort of allergic symptoms I get and I said a rash, swollen lips and trouble breathing, then he said Benzos are definitely off the table. LOL I don't want to chance anything with Benzos....ever! The Propofol did not cause any setbacks or symptoms and did not mess with my sleep. I add this in case some of you are leery of getting sedation for medical procedures.
I [...] my story helps some of you have [...]. I pray for the day when you get your second chance too. If I had to do it all over again, I would go cold turkey even though it is not recommended. Yeah, the symptoms were brutal, but for me, I think I recovered faster by getting the poison out of my body as fast as possible? Everyone needs to decide what is best for him or her. Distraction, Acceptance and showing gratitude are keys to recovery. Remembering that Benzos cause “temporary” damage that your body knows how to heal is worth repeating to yourself every day. Hang in there, distract, accept and be thankful for any improvement, no matter how small and one day you will cross the finish line too! God’s speed to everyone still going through withdrawal.
ThEwAy & [...]
