Hi BB...update 18 months

Bless you for coming back again.  I have read your success story several times and it has given me hope to keep going.  You sharing this update again has given me even more hope for today. Thank you.  Wishing you lots of love and joy for your life. 

Thank you sweet buddy! Your words soothe my heart. It's been a looooooooong road, but we DO GET there!

hugs and keep on keepin on! 

Congratulations Lysa!!!!

Thank you for coming back and updating that you have healed and on the other side!! BIG sweet lady!

 

Praise God! God is good all the time!!

Thank you and YES!!! God is so good and His faithfulness overwhelms me! 

Lysa

Thanks for sharing your beautiful, hopeful story with the rest of us. Congratulations on making it to the other side where, clearly, the sun is shining down on you! Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you so much! hugs to you!

What a great story!  I have goosebumps.

Live your life and be happy, Lysa.

Thank you Challis, you helped me so much. Just reading your posts, your wisdom and your experience, when I had nothing to hang onto, except the wisdom of those gone before me, is what helped me hang on! I guess I'm one of those vets now, it still amazes me, 

I never thought I'd get there! 

Congratulations!  So happy you for you.  Thank you for taking the time to write about your recovery, its much appreciated.

Saraa

Thank you! 

Congratulations!!!  You made it.  Thanks for posting your story

Thanks for the support Drew...I appreciate all the wisdom you share/shared on here. It helped me so many times! Keep rollin buddy!

So nice to hear from a familiar face! I cried reading this. I too am measuring benzo-free time PLUS the 18-month mark instead of UNTIL then ... and reveling in awe at how wonderful it is to get my life back. So glad you made it here. You will too, anyone else reading this. You will too.

Thank you sweetie. I appreciate your kind and encourahging words. Keep on keepin on in your journey! 

What a wonderful story!!! It's so hard for us on this side to understand that life can return to normal again, that we will feel happy and free of anxiety. It's so good to have you come back and tell us!!

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I wish all the best for you!!!  :thumbsup:

Thank you!!  It does happen, it really does. We do HEAL!!!

Lysa,

Thank you for the update, it is so much appreciated.  This made me cry as I can so relate to wanting to feel good, alive  and happy about something especially my kids and their accomplishments. You did it, well done my friend!  May God continue to bless your path❤

Best wishes,

~Guida~

Thank you so much! Your support has helped me so much! 

Dear Lysa,

  Wonderful...just wonderful! Your news brings hope to all of us...thank you for coming back to post. Please keep us up to date. Your words have been very helpful to me. It's a long journey and knowing someone has made it to the end is encouraging.

 

With love and compassion,

Carita 

Thank you carita! Your a doll. I hope you are feeling good these days and past ALL the hard stuff! hugs friend 

Lysa you were always so positive and for that I was grateful to read your stuff.Now I am reading you are well again,that is beautiful words to my ears.Thanks for being you,and thanks for sharing your break through to health!!!

wen :)

Thank you wen. Your so sweet. 

hello

 

Thanks so much for such a lovely success story.

It really helps to read something like this.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Thank you!

 

Lib 

Thank you so much! Blessings! 

Hi mlmagic,

Congrats on your success and wonderful new life! Wish you all the best!

I'm very new here and currently almost 5.5 months off CT but the benzo I used was a GABAB agonist (and I only used it about 10x or so in total in my whole life!) and I don't see a lot of folks here with success coming off of those. I am suffering life ruining, crippling cog-fog and depersonalization/derealization... which is hard because I work 9 hr days and I am desperately, desperately hanging on. I was an avid reader with a library near 1,000 titles. Now I cannot read or learn, nearly at all. And I am not exaggerating.

I'm feeling especially sad tonight about this whole ordeal since it started almost 5.5 months ago. Just been sitting here crying most of the evening, worried I've ruined my life. Terrified.I can't interact with people. Lost in utter and complete cog fog, depersonalization and derealization. Worried that the GABAB agonist I abused works by a different mechanism of action than GABAA agonists and the cascade of neurological activity triggered by GABAB agonist withdrawal- which in turn generates the protracted symptoms- are here to stay.

Do you mind if I ask what benzo you were on and whether or not you experienced cog-fog as a primary protracted symptom? Or only anxiety and depression type symptoms?

All the best,

Magic,

I want to thankyou so much for all of the help that you gave to me. I wrote my success story about 4 months ago but just got back on here to update it with some encouragement when I saw your posts. You truly are a gift to God to many people on here. 

Hi mlmagic,

 

Congrats on your success and wonderful new life! Wish you all the best!

 

I'm very new here and currently almost 5.5 months off CT but the benzo I used was a GABAB agonist (and I only used it about 10x or so in total in my whole life!) and I don't see a lot of folks here with success coming off of those. I am suffering life ruining, crippling cog-fog and depersonalization/derealization... which is hard because I work 9 hr days and I am desperately, desperately hanging on. I was an avid reader with a library near 1,000 titles. Now I cannot read or learn, nearly at all. And I am not exaggerating.

 

I'm feeling especially sad tonight about this whole ordeal since it started almost 5.5 months ago. Just been sitting here crying most of the evening, worried I've ruined my life. Terrified.I can't interact with people. Lost in utter and complete cog fog, depersonalization and derealization. Worried that the GABAB agonist I abused works by a different mechanism of action than GABAA agonists and the cascade of neurological activity triggered by GABAB agonist withdrawal- which in turn generates the protracted symptoms- are here to stay.

 

Do you mind if I ask what benzo you were on and whether or not you experienced cog-fog as a primary protracted symptom? Or only anxiety and depression type symptoms?

 

All the best,

Verax,

Even though GABAA and GABAB are different pathways I believe they heal in similar fashion. Being that you're a very short term user is to your advantage.  My best to you as you continue to improve.

Hi mlmagic,

 

Congrats on your success and wonderful new life! Wish you all the best!

 

I'm very new here and currently almost 5.5 months off CT but the benzo I used was a GABAB agonist (and I only used it about 10x or so in total in my whole life!) and I don't see a lot of folks here with success coming off of those. I am suffering life ruining, crippling cog-fog and depersonalization/derealization... which is hard because I work 9 hr days and I am desperately, desperately hanging on. I was an avid reader with a library near 1,000 titles. Now I cannot read or learn, nearly at all. And I am not exaggerating.

 

I'm feeling especially sad tonight about this whole ordeal since it started almost 5.5 months ago. Just been sitting here crying most of the evening, worried I've ruined my life. Terrified.I can't interact with people. Lost in utter and complete cog fog, depersonalization and derealization. Worried that the GABAB agonist I abused works by a different mechanism of action than GABAA agonists and the cascade of neurological activity triggered by GABAB agonist withdrawal- which in turn generates the protracted symptoms- are here to stay.

 

Do you mind if I ask what benzo you were on and whether or not you experienced cog-fog as a primary protracted symptom? Or only anxiety and depression type symptoms?

 

All the best,

Verax,

Even though GABAA and GABAB are different pathways I believe they heal in similar fashion. Being that you're a very short term user is to your advantage.  My best to you as you continue to improve.

Hi Niners,

Thanks so much for taking time out to respond to a stranger with kindness and reassurance. It is helpful for me- during this week especially, the first week I've really succumbed to the weight of this whole 5.5 month ordeal- to read even just some positive anecdotal responses at this point. I appreciate it

Magic,

 

I want to thankyou so much for all of the help that you gave to me. I wrote my success story about 4 months ago but just got back on here to update it with some encouragement when I saw your posts. You truly are a gift to God to many people on here. 

Thank YOU Bob!! That is so awesome that you are now there...posting a SS is a rite of passage for sure in this crazy healing and we KNOW the hells of this and there was a time I could NEVER have imagined posting one. I am very happy to hear you are doing well! Hugs friend! 

Hi mlmagic,

 

Congrats on your success and wonderful new life! Wish you all the best!

 

I'm very new here and currently almost 5.5 months off CT but the benzo I used was a GABAB agonist (and I only used it about 10x or so in total in my whole life!) and I don't see a lot of folks here with success coming off of those. I am suffering life ruining, crippling cog-fog and depersonalization/derealization... which is hard because I work 9 hr days and I am desperately, desperately hanging on. I was an avid reader with a library near 1,000 titles. Now I cannot read or learn, nearly at all. And I am not exaggerating.

 

I'm feeling especially sad tonight about this whole ordeal since it started almost 5.5 months ago. Just been sitting here crying most of the evening, worried I've ruined my life. Terrified.I can't interact with people. Lost in utter and complete cog fog, depersonalization and derealization. Worried that the GABAB agonist I abused works by a different mechanism of action than GABAA agonists and the cascade of neurological activity triggered by GABAB agonist withdrawal- which in turn generates the protracted symptoms- are here to stay.

 

Do you mind if I ask what benzo you were on and whether or not you experienced cog-fog as a primary protracted symptom? Or only anxiety and depression type symptoms?

 

All the best,

Hi verax. I am so sorry for your suffering.  :'( We ALL know exactly how you feel. I do not know anything about the benzo you were taking. Mine was Ativan. I can say though, yes, I had ALL the sx you describe for a very, very long time and it just takes a really long time to heal from this. My best advise is give everything 1 year, meaning, be patient and wiling to commit to the process for a solid year, before really seeing big changes. Some things may go away and come back, (windows~waves), etc in that time, but I found for myself, that during that first year, there was lots of deep healing occuring and it takes looking back sometimes to see it was happening. Its just flat out HELL for a while, so hang in there, it will eventually be a better day for you! 

Hi mlmagic,

 

Congrats on your success and wonderful new life! Wish you all the best!

 

I'm very new here and currently almost 5.5 months off CT but the benzo I used was a GABAB agonist (and I only used it about 10x or so in total in my whole life!) and I don't see a lot of folks here with success coming off of those. I am suffering life ruining, crippling cog-fog and depersonalization/derealization... which is hard because I work 9 hr days and I am desperately, desperately hanging on. I was an avid reader with a library near 1,000 titles. Now I cannot read or learn, nearly at all. And I am not exaggerating.

 

I'm feeling especially sad tonight about this whole ordeal since it started almost 5.5 months ago. Just been sitting here crying most of the evening, worried I've ruined my life. Terrified.I can't interact with people. Lost in utter and complete cog fog, depersonalization and derealization. Worried that the GABAB agonist I abused works by a different mechanism of action than GABAA agonists and the cascade of neurological activity triggered by GABAB agonist withdrawal- which in turn generates the protracted symptoms- are here to stay.

 

Do you mind if I ask what benzo you were on and whether or not you experienced cog-fog as a primary protracted symptom? Or only anxiety and depression type symptoms?

 

All the best,

 

Hi verax. I am so sorry for your suffering.  :'( We ALL know exactly how you feel. I do not know anything about the benzo you were taking. Mine was Ativan. I can say though, yes, I had ALL the sx you describe for a very, very long time and it just takes a really long time to heal from this. My best advise is give everything 1 year, meaning, be patient and wiling to commit to the process for a solid year, before really seeing big changes. Some things may go away and come back, (windows~waves), etc in that time, but I found for myself, that during that first year, there was lots of deep healing occuring and it takes looking back sometimes to see it was happening. Its just flat out HELL for a while, so hang in there, it will eventually be a better day for you! 

Thanks so much for the reply mlmagic!

I haven't been able to come on much in the past week or two. I've been working 9-10hr days, 5x a week and am just really desperately trying to hang on through this cogfog, DP and DR. It is SO bad that it causes my eyes to just fall into what I would describe as a sort of resting, trance-like gaze. Whereby my eyes literally just fall to the position of least resistance (dead center, looking straight ahead) and the fog and DP/DR are so bad that its literally like almost NOTHING is being processed. Visual stimuli is still hitting the retina, getting channeled up the optic nerve to the brainstem but it's almost like when it makes it to the brain very little is happening.

I've come to learn that this is glutamate excitotoxicity and when it's that bad you really need to do SOMETHING to tamp down that glutamate activity or do something to restrict calcium channels at the neurons because the experience of that is literally the symptomatic sequella of excitotoxicity, your brain cells dying. When it gets SO bad that I just get stuck in the trance-ish gaze (with very little processing of any sort going on) I can just TELL that neurons are getting flooded with calcium and dying off by the boat-load. Not good. The intensity of this symptom is very very bad for me. I would imagine you'd be looking at a significant shrinking of the hippocampus if excitotoxicity of this degree goes on for a period of years.

I am glad to come back today and see your reply. Today was another very hard day for me. Believe it or not I just landed my dream career, with my dream company (been working with them this whole time, basically since I started WD, which was just shy of 6 months ago now). I have damn near everything I want in life and I have worked REALLY hard for a long time to be where I am. Only now instead of enjoying my newfound position and status in life, I am desperately, desperately trying to hold on and continue working 45-50hr weeks. I am just desperately clinging on and fighting battles- each and every minute of each and every day- that I wouldn't have even thought possible just a year ago. Hang on. No matter what hang on. Bite down on your mouthpiece. Keep going. You are not physically dying. It is POSSIBLE to continue. I have to repeat this to myself continually, minute by minute, all day everyday. Just keep going. You have to just keep going.

Trouble is I'm completely at my wits end. Another 6 months of this- or quite possibly even LONGER- I just don't know...  I am terrified I've ruined my life and completely sad that I may have to throw in the towel and kiss this new position/career (which I've worked my WHOLE life for) goodbye and try to get on disability and just stay at home indoors and lay around trying to pass time and heal.

After all, how can one go to work with a brain that literally cannot think or learn? I have an almost 100% total loss of any ability to learn anything new or remember anything new (what the literature refers to as "anterograde amnesia"), yet my memories from life before this whole mess don't seem to be greatly hampered. I have read your post one line at a time, keep re-reading that line, think about my response to ONLY that line, get my response written, and then do the same thing for the next line of your post. This is the ONLY way I can learn anything. And even that won't stay in my short/long term memory; I can only keep it in my head long enough to complete whatever interaction I am trying to do (i.e. reply to you in a post on BenzoBuddies). So I will have almost ZERO working memory of my interaction with you or what I wrote here as soon as I get up and leave this computer.

And I am not exaggerating. I am actually toning down, not trying to exaggerate.

Your post is such a help for me. I pray this cogfog will go away. I can't live like this.

:( :(

Hi mlmagic,

 

Congrats on your success and wonderful new life! Wish you all the best!

 

I'm very new here and currently almost 5.5 months off CT but the benzo I used was a GABAB agonist (and I only used it about 10x or so in total in my whole life!) and I don't see a lot of folks here with success coming off of those. I am suffering life ruining, crippling cog-fog and depersonalization/derealization... which is hard because I work 9 hr days and I am desperately, desperately hanging on. I was an avid reader with a library near 1,000 titles. Now I cannot read or learn, nearly at all. And I am not exaggerating.

 

I'm feeling especially sad tonight about this whole ordeal since it started almost 5.5 months ago. Just been sitting here crying most of the evening, worried I've ruined my life. Terrified.I can't interact with people. Lost in utter and complete cog fog, depersonalization and derealization. Worried that the GABAB agonist I abused works by a different mechanism of action than GABAA agonists and the cascade of neurological activity triggered by GABAB agonist withdrawal- which in turn generates the protracted symptoms- are here to stay.

 

Do you mind if I ask what benzo you were on and whether or not you experienced cog-fog as a primary protracted symptom? Or only anxiety and depression type symptoms?

 

All the best,

 

Hi verax. I am so sorry for your suffering.  :'( We ALL know exactly how you feel. I do not know anything about the benzo you were taking. Mine was Ativan. I can say though, yes, I had ALL the sx you describe for a very, very long time and it just takes a really long time to heal from this. My best advise is give everything 1 year, meaning, be patient and wiling to commit to the process for a solid year, before really seeing big changes. Some things may go away and come back, (windows~waves), etc in that time, but I found for myself, that during that first year, there was lots of deep healing occuring and it takes looking back sometimes to see it was happening. Its just flat out HELL for a while, so hang in there, it will eventually be a better day for you! 

 

Thanks so much for the reply mlmagic!

 

I haven't been able to come on much in the past week or two. I've been working 9-10hr days, 5x a week and am just really desperately trying to hang on through this cogfog, DP and DR. It is SO bad that it causes my eyes to just fall into what I would describe as a sort of resting, trance-like gaze. Whereby my eyes literally just fall to the position of least resistance (dead center, looking straight ahead) and the fog and DP/DR are so bad that its literally like almost NOTHING is being processed. Visual stimuli is still hitting the retina, getting channeled up the optic nerve to the brainstem but it's almost like when it makes it to the brain very little is happening.

 

I've come to learn that this is glutamate excitotoxicity and when it's that bad you really need to do SOMETHING to tamp down that glutamate activity or do something to restrict calcium channels at the neurons because the experience of that is literally the symptomatic sequella of excitotoxicity, your brain cells dying. When it gets SO bad that I just get stuck in the trance-ish gaze (with very little processing of any sort going on) I can just TELL that neurons are getting flooded with calcium and dying off by the boat-load. Not good. The intensity of this symptom is very very bad for me. I would imagine you'd be looking at a significant shrinking of the hippocampus if excitotoxicity of this degree goes on for a period of years.

 

I am glad to come back today and see your reply. Today was another very hard day for me. Believe it or not I just landed my dream career, with my dream company (been working with them this whole time, basically since I started WD, which was just shy of 6 months ago now). I have damn near everything I want in life and I have worked REALLY hard for a long time to be where I am. Only now instead of enjoying my newfound position and status in life, I am desperately, desperately trying to hold on and continue working 45-50hr weeks. I am just desperately clinging on and fighting battles- each and every minute of each and every day- that I wouldn't have even thought possible just a year ago. Hang on. No matter what hang on. Bite down on your mouthpiece. Keep going. You are not physically dying. It is POSSIBLE to continue. I have to repeat this to myself continually, minute by minute, all day everyday. Just keep going. You have to just keep going.

 

Trouble is I'm completely at my wits end. Another 6 months of this- or quite possibly even LONGER- I just don't know...  I am terrified I've ruined my life and completely sad that I may have to throw in the towel and kiss this new position/career (which I've worked my WHOLE life for) goodbye and try to get on disability and just stay at home indoors and lay around trying to pass time and heal.

 

After all, how can one go to work with a brain that literally cannot think or learn? I have an almost 100% total loss of any ability to learn anything new or remember anything new (what the literature refers to as "anterograde amnesia"), yet my memories from life before this whole mess don't seem to be greatly hampered. I have read your post one line at a time, keep re-reading that line, think about my response to ONLY that line, get my response written, and then do the same thing for the next line of your post. This is the ONLY way I can learn anything. And even that won't stay in my short/long term memory; I can only keep it in my head long enough to complete whatever interaction I am trying to do (i.e. reply to you in a post on BenzoBuddies). So I will have almost ZERO working memory of my interaction with you or what I wrote here as soon as I get up and leave this computer.

 

And I am not exaggerating. I am actually toning down, not trying to exaggerate.

 

Your post is such a help for me. I pray this cogfog will go away. I can't live like this.

 

:( :(

Verax,

Your post is so heart breaking.  Is there any possibility of working less hours?  Maybe you can confide in your boss and explain some of what you're going through. What you are experiencing is temporary.  The dr/dp completely vanished for me at 4 months off, I just woke up one day and it was gone.  I have since relapsed because of high stress and get it once in a while but nothing compared to before. 

I wish all the best for you; and I dearly hope and pray for your total and complete recovery very soon.

Hi mlmagic,

 

Congrats on your success and wonderful new life! Wish you all the best!

 

I'm very new here and currently almost 5.5 months off CT but the benzo I used was a GABAB agonist (and I only used it about 10x or so in total in my whole life!) and I don't see a lot of folks here with success coming off of those. I am suffering life ruining, crippling cog-fog and depersonalization/derealization... which is hard because I work 9 hr days and I am desperately, desperately hanging on. I was an avid reader with a library near 1,000 titles. Now I cannot read or learn, nearly at all. And I am not exaggerating.

 

I'm feeling especially sad tonight about this whole ordeal since it started almost 5.5 months ago. Just been sitting here crying most of the evening, worried I've ruined my life. Terrified.I can't interact with people. Lost in utter and complete cog fog, depersonalization and derealization. Worried that the GABAB agonist I abused works by a different mechanism of action than GABAA agonists and the cascade of neurological activity triggered by GABAB agonist withdrawal- which in turn generates the protracted symptoms- are here to stay.

 

Do you mind if I ask what benzo you were on and whether or not you experienced cog-fog as a primary protracted symptom? Or only anxiety and depression type symptoms?

 

All the best,

 

Hi verax. I am so sorry for your suffering.  :'( We ALL know exactly how you feel. I do not know anything about the benzo you were taking. Mine was Ativan. I can say though, yes, I had ALL the sx you describe for a very, very long time and it just takes a really long time to heal from this. My best advise is give everything 1 year, meaning, be patient and wiling to commit to the process for a solid year, before really seeing big changes. Some things may go away and come back, (windows~waves), etc in that time, but I found for myself, that during that first year, there was lots of deep healing occuring and it takes looking back sometimes to see it was happening. Its just flat out HELL for a while, so hang in there, it will eventually be a better day for you! 

 

Thanks so much for the reply mlmagic!

 

I haven't been able to come on much in the past week or two. I've been working 9-10hr days, 5x a week and am just really desperately trying to hang on through this cogfog, DP and DR. It is SO bad that it causes my eyes to just fall into what I would describe as a sort of resting, trance-like gaze. Whereby my eyes literally just fall to the position of least resistance (dead center, looking straight ahead) and the fog and DP/DR are so bad that its literally like almost NOTHING is being processed. Visual stimuli is still hitting the retina, getting channeled up the optic nerve to the brainstem but it's almost like when it makes it to the brain very little is happening.

 

I've come to learn that this is glutamate excitotoxicity and when it's that bad you really need to do SOMETHING to tamp down that glutamate activity or do something to restrict calcium channels at the neurons because the experience of that is literally the symptomatic sequella of excitotoxicity, your brain cells dying. When it gets SO bad that I just get stuck in the trance-ish gaze (with very little processing of any sort going on) I can just TELL that neurons are getting flooded with calcium and dying off by the boat-load. Not good. The intensity of this symptom is very very bad for me. I would imagine you'd be looking at a significant shrinking of the hippocampus if excitotoxicity of this degree goes on for a period of years.

 

I am glad to come back today and see your reply. Today was another very hard day for me. Believe it or not I just landed my dream career, with my dream company (been working with them this whole time, basically since I started WD, which was just shy of 6 months ago now). I have damn near everything I want in life and I have worked REALLY hard for a long time to be where I am. Only now instead of enjoying my newfound position and status in life, I am desperately, desperately trying to hold on and continue working 45-50hr weeks. I am just desperately clinging on and fighting battles- each and every minute of each and every day- that I wouldn't have even thought possible just a year ago. Hang on. No matter what hang on. Bite down on your mouthpiece. Keep going. You are not physically dying. It is POSSIBLE to continue. I have to repeat this to myself continually, minute by minute, all day everyday. Just keep going. You have to just keep going.

 

Trouble is I'm completely at my wits end. Another 6 months of this- or quite possibly even LONGER- I just don't know...  I am terrified I've ruined my life and completely sad that I may have to throw in the towel and kiss this new position/career (which I've worked my WHOLE life for) goodbye and try to get on disability and just stay at home indoors and lay around trying to pass time and heal.

 

After all, how can one go to work with a brain that literally cannot think or learn? I have an almost 100% total loss of any ability to learn anything new or remember anything new (what the literature refers to as "anterograde amnesia"), yet my memories from life before this whole mess don't seem to be greatly hampered. I have read your post one line at a time, keep re-reading that line, think about my response to ONLY that line, get my response written, and then do the same thing for the next line of your post. This is the ONLY way I can learn anything. And even that won't stay in my short/long term memory; I can only keep it in my head long enough to complete whatever interaction I am trying to do (i.e. reply to you in a post on BenzoBuddies). So I will have almost ZERO working memory of my interaction with you or what I wrote here as soon as I get up and leave this computer.

 

And I am not exaggerating. I am actually toning down, not trying to exaggerate.

 

Your post is such a help for me. I pray this cogfog will go away. I can't live like this.

 

:( :(

Hi Verax...So sorry to hear the things you are struggling with. I remember well being exactly where you are and it NEVER seems it will EVER be different. 6 months is so very early in this healing and with your work schedule, that just adds to the crazy. The good thing, is that for me, everything I could distract myself with, was helpful. Nothing takes this away but time, just nothing, so as the time passed, I used everything I could to pass the hours, the time and keep myself busy.

One day all of this horror will be over, it really will. You just have to hang on this first year.

God bless