One Year and Counting.........Thomas

Today marks my 1st year off benzos.  I am still dealing with many post-benzo challenges, but there are so many horrific things I have overcome that I feared might define my life forever. I experienced most every withdrawal symptom mentioned on this forum, including a few that are impossible to describe and a few I have never heard mentioned.  One of the strangest was the sudden twisting of a few of my back molars (this has permanently altered my bite).  This was the beginning of many frightening symptoms and I was convinced that I was afflicted with some bizarre syndrome and I would surely die.  Why some withdrawal symptoms hit others so much harder, and the recovery process more difficult to some than others is a very curious thing to me. My most notable withdrawal symptoms were: burning feet, bugs crawling under my skin, muscle twitches 24/7 for over 2 years now, visual disturbances, pins and needles in my eyes, hearing explosive clanging and doorbells in the dead of night, ancient memories that appeared out of nowhere, throat, neck, and muscle tension so bad it altered my voice for months, GI disturbances for months, and electric shocks down my arms and legs.  By far, the persistent severe insomnia was the most debilitating s/x and it is just now finally letting up.

 

1 year ago I was angry, scared and confused.  I was full of dread, doom, anxiety and fear.    There were so many things I was going through that nobody else could possibly understand except for those of us who landed here for guidance and assurance that everything would be o.k.  I couldn’t describe the mental and physical contortions that were happening to me for fear of being judged insane by family, friends, or doctors.  At times I thought maybe I was insane. 

 

One of the worst things throughout this first year was the fear that I would never recover.  I know I will never be normal.  I am a different person now and I’m o.k. with that.  My life is different than it was before benzos.  My perspective of this world and my place in it has changed in so many ways for the better.  Everything is in perfect focus.  Gone are the panic breakdowns, down on my knees, crying and pleading to God, full of fear, praying for something to make the pain go away.  Still, sometimes (just sometimes) I feel like I am walking a tightrope and I am perilously close to slipping back into the abyss.  But my balance is better than before so I know I will make it across this challenge.

 

I still have a long ways to go as a few stubborn symptoms refuse to go quietly.  For anyone new here:  just remember no matter how troubled you are and how hopeless you may feel at times—don’t give up and take comfort in the fact that no matter how horrible you feel, there are others in the same situation as you and who feel just as scared as you.  You are not alone.  Have faith you will heal.

 

I’ll admit there are times when I wish I could have the good old days back; when I could drink with the boys and party and eat like there is no tomorrow.  But I know I can’t.  Those days are over.  I have to be good to myself now.  The silver lining in this whole thing is that I am certain this seemingly awful experience has ultimately added years to my life of good health and wisdom.  Where there was anger or blame there is now peace and gratitude (most of the time  )  I finally have a life again but everything is different this time, in a good way.  I felt like this whole experience needed to have a greater meaning for me so I have returned to college last year at the young age of 47 to pursue my degree in Natural Health.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

 

Thomas

 

Hi Thomas,

 

Congratulations on your one year! I know it's the first of many.   

 

Thanks for sharing your story, I can feel your pain and know where you're coming from.  Sharing your withdrawal symptoms, some that haven't been posted before, goes to show that nothing with benzo wd is standard 'business as usual.' 

 

I feel that as we celebrate being off benzos and getting on with life, in some ways better than before, we also have to take time to grieve the part of life that was taken from us. 

Hi Thomas,

 

Congrats on one year benzo free!!  Thanks for posting this! I'm so excited for you going back to college! You are an inspiration to others!!

 

 

T2

Thomas, congrats on your recovery, and your newfound academic pursuits.

 

What symptoms are you still experiencing? Where along the way did you notice real change, for the better? Meaning, how long did it take for major problems to really go away? Thanks, looking for inspiration, and a full night's sleep. Congrats again to you, and thanks for your post.

I am still thinking about the reconciling or grieving with "that part of life that was taken" from me, Tropicalsoul.  This benzo hell was a huge wakeup call.  Better than a labotomy, though!

 

Hi Landfall, I still suffer from a poor attention span (REALLY poor), muscle tension and twitches, and a horrendous sleeping pattern.  I dread planning things with the family where an overnight stay is involved (need I say more).  The electric vibrations or shocks down the arms and legs are still present, though much less pronounced.

 

I noticed a big improvement in an underlying low-to-mid level anxiety that seemed to lurk 24/7 at about the 6 month off mark.  Many changes for the better around this mark.  Intrusive thoughts and emotions better after 6 months, too.  Sleep is still completely unpredictable, BUT much improved (this is saying alot as I was a complete basket case for total lack of sleep for days on end ).  Slow improvement with various other pesky things like tinnitus and perpetual sinus infection between 6-11 months.  This past month has given me lots of encouragement as I have risen to the next level regarding healing.

 

Do not underestimate the value of meditation and simple cognitive behavioral therapy in the "whole health" picture.  Also, everyone's recovery is completely individual so try not to set your bar too low.

 

Thomas

 

 

The positive gains you've achieved are remarkable. Like you, I have a hard time with the idea of planning trips of any kind. I try not to look out too much into the future. Not sure if you read him but you might like to pick up an older David Sedaris book. Funny stuff, makes me feel much better about my family! Big congrats on your recovery!

*snicker* Landfall.  I was just today remembering Sadaris writing "My parents were no more capable of raising children than a couple of cats".

 

Thomas, thank you for the wonderful post.   

Thanks, Thomas.  It means so much to members to read these stories.  I also love the way you eloquently post to members.  I always know that your remarks hit the nail on the head and are of encouragement.  Congratulations on going forward with your education.  One is never too old to learn (I just need my brain to return to normal).

 

Patty  xo

I am still thinking about the reconciling or grieving with "that part of life that was taken" from me, Tropicalsoul.  This benzo hell was a huge wakeup call.  Better than a labotomy, though!

 

Hi Landfall, I still suffer from a poor attention span (REALLY poor), muscle tension and twitches, and a horrendous sleeping pattern.  I dread planning things with the family where an overnight stay is involved (need I say more).  The electric vibrations or shocks down the arms and legs are still present, though much less pronounced.

 

I noticed a big improvement in an underlying low-to-mid level anxiety that seemed to lurk 24/7 at about the 6 month off mark.  Many changes for the better around this mark.  Intrusive thoughts and emotions better after 6 months, too.  Sleep is still completely unpredictable, BUT much improved (this is saying alot as I was a complete basket case for total lack of sleep for days on end ).  Slow improvement with various other pesky things like tinnitus and perpetual sinus infection between 6-11 months.  This past month has given me lots of encouragement as I have risen to the next level regarding healing.

 

Do not underestimate the value of meditation and simple cognitive behavioral therapy in the "whole health" picture.  Also, everyone's recovery is completely individual so try not to set your bar too low.

 

Thomas

 

 

 

Tmak,

you post brings me much needed comfort at this time in my withdrawl process.

 

I am curious how things  are going with your schooling?

Today marks my 1st year off benzos.  I am still dealing with many post-benzo challenges, but there are so many horrific things I have overcome that I feared might define my life forever. I experienced most every withdrawal symptom mentioned on this forum, including a few that are impossible to describe and a few I have never heard mentioned.  One of the strangest was the sudden twisting of a few of my back molars (this has permanently altered my bite).  This was the beginning of many frightening symptoms and I was convinced that I was afflicted with some bizarre syndrome and I would surely die.  Why some withdrawal symptoms hit others so much harder, and the recovery process more difficult to some than others is a very curious thing to me. My most notable withdrawal symptoms were: burning feet, bugs crawling under my skin, muscle twitches 24/7 for over 2 years now, visual disturbances, pins and needles in my eyes, hearing explosive clanging and doorbells in the dead of night, ancient memories that appeared out of nowhere, throat, neck, and muscle tension so bad it altered my voice for months, GI disturbances for months, and electric shocks down my arms and legs.  By far, the persistent severe insomnia was the most debilitating s/x and it is just now finally letting up.

 

1 year ago I was angry, scared and confused.  I was full of dread, doom, anxiety and fear.    There were so many things I was going through that nobody else could possibly understand except for those of us who landed here for guidance and assurance that everything would be o.k.  I couldn’t describe the mental and physical contortions that were happening to me for fear of being judged insane by family, friends, or doctors.  At times I thought maybe I was insane. 

 

One of the worst things throughout this first year was the fear that I would never recover.  I know I will never be normal.  I am a different person now and I’m o.k. with that.  My life is different than it was before benzos.  My perspective of this world and my place in it has changed in so many ways for the better.  Everything is in perfect focus.  Gone are the panic breakdowns, down on my knees, crying and pleading to God, full of fear, praying for something to make the pain go away.  Still, sometimes (just sometimes) I feel like I am walking a tightrope and I am perilously close to slipping back into the abyss.  But my balance is better than before so I know I will make it across this challenge.

 

I still have a long ways to go as a few stubborn symptoms refuse to go quietly.  For anyone new here:  just remember no matter how troubled you are and how hopeless you may feel at times—don’t give up and take comfort in the fact that no matter how horrible you feel, there are others in the same situation as you and who feel just as scared as you.  You are not alone.  Have faith you will heal.

 

I’ll admit there are times when I wish I could have the good old days back; when I could drink with the boys and party and eat like there is no tomorrow.  But I know I can’t.  Those days are over.  I have to be good to myself now.  The silver lining in this whole thing is that I am certain this seemingly awful experience has ultimately added years to my life of good health and wisdom.  Where there was anger or blame there is now peace and gratitude (most of the time  )  I finally have a life again but everything is different this time, in a good way.  I felt like this whole experience needed to have a greater meaning for me so I have returned to college last year at the young age of 47 to pursue my degree in Natural Health.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

 

Thomas

 

 

Hi Thomas,

 

I am happy that at least you are seeing some progress, recovery has no limit on it, it takes as long as it wants for us to heal. I wish you the best of luck at school, may this good distraction heal you even more.

Just read your story Thomas.  And feel so touched...almost like reading about myself (to come?).  I haven't yet ventured over to the success stories here, but so glad I did.  Mostly hanging out so far in the "withdrawals" section.  But to hear you speak of your miseries, which I can relate to so well, and to feel so much better!  It's very encouraging.  I've had some of the strange symptoms you speak of (in addition to a multitude of the usual suspects)....the throat tightness has strangely gotten so much worse, it feels like being strangled all day long!  And that's one of my easier symptoms. 

 

I was trying to think the other day if there is any organ or system in my body untouched by the w/d's.  I'm thinking my bladder..... --that's all I could come up with.  Absolutely everything else has been effected in some way...heart, muscles, immune, GI, brain obviously, sinuses, hormones -- every single part.  Well, maybe the outside of my ears have not started burning....hahaha! but my scalp, feet, and every muscle on fire more than makes up for that.  The deep muscle aching is my worst. 

 

I, too, feel that this time of suffering (that no one can relate to except us) is meant to be used for bigger things.  I don't know what these things are yet.  I'm open to be guided to them.  Partly as a reminder just to ENJOY life again! 

 

And I rescued a baby bird today!!!!!    From the jaws of death -- my cat's mouth.  At first I went ballistic and had a sobbing meltdown, thinking it was dead and my cat would shortly tear into it.  But then I saw it was still alive and struggling...it's little heart beating so hard.  When my cat got distracted, it jumped up and walked away.  What spunk, and determination to live.  So I got the cat away (he was so mad), went and found the little bird hiding in the landscaping, warpped it in a towel, and took it to the vet school.    Suddenly it was like one of us -- a little benzo survivor.  So I had to save it.  It felt really good!

 

Several people have suggested that I become a naturopath...is that what you'll be studying?  So cool!  But I've actually been thinking of going back to school for a ms. in public health perhaps.  We'll see. I do have the feeling that I'm going to be much healthier, for all the reasons and increased self-knowledge that you talk of, than I ever was before!  But there is also some "grieving".....for things lost.  Part of myself lost.  People lost.  I should read that family book....hehe.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your experiences!!! 

--adelia