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Well, I’m sitting here in the big, plush easy chair in the family room listening to the Moody Blues – “Your Wildest Dreams.” I haven’t heard it for years but just happened to google Moody Blues and this is the first song that came up. I can barely think of a more appropriate song for this moment. Three years ago, possibly to this very minute, I was ending a three-week stay at a psych hospital in Harrisburg, PA. I spent three weeks there under suicide watch. I survived quite a bit during my stay at the hospital - a “taper” off 4 mg clonazepam; a failed “trial” of a tricyclic anti-depressant as well as a trial of Wellbutrin – both of which only served to intensify my misery. About halfway through my stay at the hospital, it was decided that I should undergo ECT in hopes of eradicating the black depression. So, for that time I was switched from clonazepam to Ativan because Ativan has a much shorter half-life. The reason for that was simply that ECT does not work with benzos in the brain. I had four ECT treatments given every other day. On the “in between” days I was put on what they called a “mini-withdrawal”- no benzos at all until after the next ECT treatment. Of all the cruelty at that place, that was the worst. I was in constant acute w/d for a week and a half. I was forced to go to in-house AA meetings and also, not just attend other therapy sessions, but also take part in them. An indescribably horrendous experience.

 

On that Friday evening, about one hour after my last ECT treatment, my wife rescued me from that place and I stumbled outside, down some steps, over a sidewalk, and across the parking lot. It had just begun to snow. I looked back at my footprints in the snow and wondered how I made those tracks. I felt like I wasn’t even there – like I was nowhere –like I didn’t even exist. Surreal, surreal, surreal. The dp/dr was unimaginable. I hoped and literally prayed that I would die before getting to the car…but I didn’t.

 

So, as I sit here now in my right mind, comfortable, at peace, and connected to reality, I am living beyond my wildest dreams. I thought this was an impossibility three years ago – even 15 month ago. Nothing is impossible (one of the dozens of lessons I have learned from this journey).

 

My complete story is very long and circuitous. I won’t bore anyone with all the details because it would literally result in a book. The condensed, “abstract” version is: I spent 40 years drinking alcoholically. At about the 28th year of drinking, I was getting panic attacks (from the booze and some life situations). I went to the doctor. He gave me Xanax (which worked well for maybe 2 weeks). He also gave me Paxil which threw me into a tailspin of panic attacks and suicidal depression. It took a year and a half (and dozens of psych drug trials) for me to emerge from that 3-day Paxil experience. The only thing that helped me emerge was the increased alcohol intake. Of course, I was switched to clonazepam over that time, and I took it every day while I also drank. I stayed on the clonazepam for a total of 13 years. I was told I would need it forever…and I believed it.

 

In my 40th year of alcoholism, I finally quit drinking for good. After two weeks, I fell into unbelievable anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I didn’t realize for several more months that I would never be well again until I ditched the clonazepam – all of it. I was in severe tolerance w/d. After one to two months of tapering, I was completely off the benzo. Let the success story begin.

 

I am currently a few days shy of 30 months off clonazepam. Over the last year or so, I have thought about writing a success story. My biggest difficulty with that has been the question – “What does success mean – a least to me?” In the past couple days, I have answered that question. The answer for me simply is the answer to another easier question - “Am I at least as well as I was before this whole mess started – before I got off the clonazepam or maybe even before I started taking the clonazepam nearly 16 years ago?” The answer to both parts of the question: Yes, I am much, much better. In fact, I am better than I have ever been in my entire life. I am not exaggerating at all. From that perspective, I could have written this at about 22 months off. That is when I knew beyond a doubt that I was better than I had ever been in my life.

 

I am calmer than I have ever been in my life. No booze or benzos required. They were only escalating my anxiety and depression. My sense of humor is huge and I am able to laugh as I never did before. I am wiser than I have ever been. I can see deep meaning in so many aspects of life that I never even thought about before. My mental cognition, ability, and energy are off the charts now. Physically, I no longer take Nexium or any PPI for acid reflux. I took PPIs for 15 years starting way back when I was originally prescribed benzos (1997). Also, at about 18 months off, all my allergies disappeared. I had been severely allergic to most nuts and fruits for a couple decades. Now I eat absolutely everything (except Brussels sprouts and tripe – only because I can’t stand them). Pollen allergies left at the same time. I don’t know if it’s from getting off the benzos, but I’ll take it.

 

I do have a few minor lingering s/x. My sleep could be better, but then I drank for decades. It can take years for alcoholics to regain good sleep. Tinnitus is still hanging around (very common). And of course there is almost always the perpetual song running through my head – especially in the morning. But I am able to at least “change the record” simply by suggestion. My mind still is very active, but I am easily able to direct the mental energy into “good places.”

 

If I had to put a percentage on my healing, it would easily exceed 100%. I am better mentally and spiritually than I have ever been – even long before benzos. Physically, my only real problem is some arthritis which has nothing to do with benzos.

 

I remember when I got out of the psych hospital, I was in severe acute w/d and had nearly one hundred separate s/x. There was only a handful that I didn’t experience. They are virtually all gone with the exception of a few minor ones which are only nuisances at worst.

 

I always liked looking at the healing time line of different individuals to measure my own healing against. Here is mine.

 

Month 1: Very similar to the weeks of tapering. Lots of anxiety, depression, dp/dr, insomnia, and restlessness.  At the end of month 1, the bottom dropped out and s/x increased in intensity by at least a factor of 10, but they were not as acute as those experienced in the psych hospital and immediately after discharge from the hospital nor were there as many different ones. 

 

Months 2 through 6: Little or no improvement noticed really. The greatest hallmark was the extreme terror that would appear from nowhere at times. Morning terrors every morning and extreme fear to get out of bed and face the day. Extremely sensitive to cold, noises, movement, and any other sensory input.

 

Month 7: First noticeable improvement when I was able to go outside and do some yard work even though I shook uncontrollably and was very fearful.  Dp/dr was still nearly unbearable – extreme dizziness.

 

Month 10: Recall the first morning I had an actual desire to do some exercise – 10 or so minutes on the elliptical. Gradually improved in duration from there as well as adding weight bearing exercises. Otherwise, s/x remained pretty constant.

 

Months 11 to 13: Very little change in s/x.

 

Months 14 and 15: At end of month 14, I had an “awakening” one morning (September 28, 2011) that I was well enough to possibly write something on FB for the first time in two years. I wrote a couple sentences about being on a journey and finally beginning to return. It was the first “social” improvement since the whole thing started and was the first noticeable lifting of two years of depression. Morning dreads disappeared.

 

Month 16: At my grandson’s birthday party, I was confident and unafraid to drink the first cup of coffee I had had in over two years. This was about one month after my entry on FB (October 30, 2011 – snowstorm here in Central PA). This was the very day I KNEW that I was going to get well. The depression of over two years was nearly completely gone.   

 

Months 17 to 22: Continued improvement in nearly all s/x.  Most noticeable was vastly improving cognition. Mental tasks were becoming MUCH easier and creating no anxiety or panic. Very calm. In month 22, my confidence was finally at a level which allowed me to take on a job requiring a high level of mental cognition and emotional calmness.

 

Months 23 to present (month 30): While the mental s/x of anxiety and depression had already vanished, other lingering s/x have improved or disappeared – usually without me noticing. Heart palps are gone. Inner vibrations gone. The only burning sensations now are sometimes when I wake from a nap. Dp/dr is very mild now. I had that one long before w/d began back in my drinking days.

 

As I close, I honestly believe that my story is one of the more extreme ones – with the decades of alcoholism, 13 years of clonazepam use, and three weeks of torture in a psych hospital. This is a doable journey by anyone really. There is nothing special about me. It just takes time. You have to hold on, and when you think you can’t hold on any longer, you have to hold on.

 

You may not “feel” hope through much of the journey, but you have hope. It is right there in the deep recesses of your very being. It is inside every one of us and constantly whispers to us. Don’t let the shouting of your ailing brain convince you that it’s not there.  It is there. It is speaking…constantly speaking truth and saying to hold on one more minute, one more hour, one more day…until you are one more healed man or woman. ..who then becomes a voice of hope for someone else to hear over the noise of their ailing brain.

 

Hold on. Just hold on. And you will heal. It’s a promise.

 

Blessings,

 

eli

 

 

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Eli,

 

How can I express to you what an unfailling and amazing support you have been to me -- and we have only connected here in the last couple of weeks.  You are one amazing soul.  Worthy of all the beauty that life is bringing to you.  I know many others that you have supported feel the same way.  Thank you for so much for posting the timeline -- it so helps those of us who find ourselves couch or bedbound after many months to have hope that the corner is coming!!!!

 

I am so thrilled to be reading this with my breakfast this morning!!

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Thank you soooo much Eli - from the bottom of my heart & the depths of my soul.

Your story & posting was a ray of hope for me this this morning as I struggle on.

Its so hard to believe in wellness -when one feels so sick- & for so long.

If not for those here who have made it through -& who take the time to come back  & post -

it would be hard to believe that recovery is possible.

You help many to try & keep on keeping on.

Your compassionate words are a gentle salve to all the places of pain

Blessings to you,

 

margaretisabel

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"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

~ Henry David Thoreau

 

Dear Eli,

 

KP and I are so happy to read more of your story here today and are so pleased to hear of all the healing that has come to you.  It is horrendous what you had to get through to be at this point but you can now be truly free to live your life in the very best way.  I wish it could have came in an easier way but I am thrilled for you that it came

 

Thank you for sharing with us so much encouragement.  It is shocking how much is needed to successfully finish the Benzo journey.  You are a strong voice of hope for so many here.  Thank you. 

 

And thank you, too, for the promise, “Hold on. Just hold on. And you will heal. It’s a promise.”.  I need to hear that kind of promise often even now at 4 1/2 months free and think I will continue to for sometime yet.  Healing is amazing but waiting for more can be hard.  Hearing again that it really will comes makes it possible to keep going and that really is the only choice.

 

Blessings upon you,

 

KP and Lily

 

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robbin p, Gardenia, waitingforrelief, Candy, Hoosierfans, margaretisabel, waterpolo, ssteve, Lilyagain, Northsider, miffed

 

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I was at an AA meeting earlier this evening and listened to quite a few stories about struggling and getting what they often term “jammed up.” It’s basically the feeling of anxiety, discomfort, anger, hopelessness, and so on – similar to many of the mental benzo w/d s/x but not nearly as intense. (I know both very well.)

 

Years ago I felt the same way in many of those meetings – jammed up. Something just wasn’t “right” for some reason. Tonight I sat there knowing that benzo w/d took “jammed up” away from me forever. It took an ailing brain and somehow rewired it or rearranged it so that it would never be jammed up again. Never. I read the same sort of thing month after month in many stories in this and other forums. Healed people would claim to have gained a “new and improved” outlook on life. At the time, I seriously doubted their words. I could barely even get out of bed and had a difficult time even feeling connected to life.

 

But they were right. It’s even greater than they described. I was in a meeting with a group of men this morning who have never been chemically addicted to anything. In a sense, they have comparatively “unharmed” brains. Yet, many of the truths of life that I have learned by going through benzo w/d most of them simply could not grasp.

 

I’m sorry for “going on” here, but I want you to know this is good stuff, and it will be yours too. One day you will see that the journey was worth it – probably not today. But that day will arrive.   

 

Blessings,

eli

 

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Thank you Eli  :smitten:

Your story and words remind me that this is not a pointless journey or 'wasted time', that it is in fact, the opposite. Your story is inspiring, thank you for sharing it. Enjoy your life 100%

 

Your friend, GT

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Eli....From where I;m sitting it doesn't feel like healing, but your story moved me so much, and helped as well.  Although right now I don't feel so well and don't see a light any time soon.  I thank-you so very much for your words of wisdom and I could see love in those words  for all who suffer.  God bless you with sooooooooo many blessings. You are an :angel:
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((((Eli))))

 

What a wonderful end to a heart wrenching journey.

 

You are an inspiration. 

 

Continued health and healing to you.

 

Zoe xo

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[67...]

robbin p, Gardenia, waitingforrelief, Candy, Hoosierfans, margaretisabel, waterpolo, ssteve, Lilyagain, Northsider, miffed

 

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I was at an AA meeting earlier this evening and listened to quite a few stories about struggling and getting what they often term “jammed up.” It’s basically the feeling of anxiety, discomfort, anger, hopelessness, and so on – similar to many of the mental benzo w/d s/x but not nearly as intense. (I know both very well.)

 

Years ago I felt the same way in many of those meetings – jammed up. Something just wasn’t “right” for some reason. Tonight I sat there knowing that benzo w/d took “jammed up” away from me forever. It took an ailing brain and somehow rewired it or rearranged it so that it would never be jammed up again. Never. I read the same sort of thing month after month in many stories in this and other forums. Healed people would claim to have gained a “new and improved” outlook on life. At the time, I seriously doubted their words. I could barely even get out of bed and had a difficult time even feeling connected to life.

 

But they were right. It’s even greater than they described. I was in a meeting with a group of men this morning who have never been chemically addicted to anything. In a sense, they have comparatively “unharmed” brains. Yet, many of the truths of life that I have learned by going through benzo w/d most of them simply could not grasp.

 

I’m sorry for “going on” here, but I want you to know this is good stuff, and it will be yours too. One day you will see that the journey was worth it – probably not today. But that day will arrive.   

 

Blessings,

eli

 

Well expressed, Eli.  I'm 17 months off and not yet recovered, but on good days I have sensed what you speak of here.  Though it takes a VERY long time, this painful brain "rewiring" which we're experiencing will be worth it when it's over.  Dr. Ashton constantly meantions that Benzo recovery veterans usually don't regret the experience.  They in fact feel they're better for having gone through it.  As for me, even during the waves - which have been mostly brutal headaches lately - I sense healing occurring rather than trauma.  I'm quite confident that for me 2013 will be the year of recovery and renewed vision... a rebirth of sorts.

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          Eli,

                For all you have been through, words of wisdom, so strong encouraging

        Others, like me struggling to hold on to hope.

                Thank you, from my fractured heart. I knew that this journey had

          To have meaning. Your insight, compassion and caring that you wanted

          those in this journey to know, life will be much more beautiful than

          before. How could it not?

                  God bless you, prayers for continued healing.

                            Notforme :angel:

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Eli111... please don't ever hesitate in "going on"..cause we sure need to

hear those words of hope!

Sure beats the rantings of hell & misery many of us are stuck in.

There can never be too much light... or too many joyous words "going on".

One of the most touching aspects of this Forum is the balance of hopeful words given by

those who come back... with the painful words of so many struggling.

Please keep going on as much as you can!

We sure need it!

Thank you

 

margaretisabel

 

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What a journey you have been on.  To hear that you are better for this experience gives me great hope and peace.  Wouldn't that be a wonderful take away?  I pray I feel that when I am healed.  This is such a long, tough haul and every success story gives all of us here still recovering something to put our feet upon to find our way.  Thanks so much for sharing it.

 

Question for you.  Did you struggle with anxiety while driving (particularly while waiting at intersections and the freeway).  Never had this before this experience, but it is one of the symptoms that is just holding on for me.  Would love some insight. 

 

Thanks again,

TG

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gettingthere, robbin p, ((((Zoe)))), Joe1225, Notforme, margaretisabel, Moe, turtlegirl

 

 

Thank you all for reading my “goings on.” No, benzo w/d is not a waste of time. In the bigger picture, it is actually valuable time. That seems ridiculous in the midst of the suffering, but, as Joe mentions, the closer you get to the end, the more you can sense something amazing is happening to you. I remember when my brain calmed/healed enough and allowed my spirit to discern it – awesome. Even more awesome, it just gets stronger and deeper as healing continues.

 

It’s interesting turtlegirl that you mention the driving difficulty. I had horrendous trouble driving in several ways. Freeways were all but impossible for me to drive on. All the movement as speed increased was unbearable. My limit was around 40 to 45 mph – anything higher and someone else had to drive. Even then, it was hard to deal with as a passenger. There is an intersection near our house that gave me fits for a very long time. Sitting at the red light there was nearly undoable. I would get irrational fears like I was going to pass out or something. If I took a right hand turn there, it led up a hill. That freaked me out too. I think it was just the feeling of going “up” that scared me as though I might fall off the hill or something. Very bizarre. Same thing with bridges – even very small ones. It was as though I was afraid the car would fall off of them. Those things have remained in my mind in a good way. I still sit at that light or make a right turn and go up the hill. I still cross bridges, but my thinking is more like - “Wow. I remember the two years I was too sick to do this, but now I’m calm.” It’s sort of a victorious feeling – one of accomplishment.

 

Margaretisabel, your remark about the hopeful words of those who come back after getting well being balanced with the painful words of those who still struggle is very much like something I was thinking about this morning.

 

I do recall how I clung to every positive word I could find on BW and then here on BB because no one in my life had any clue about what was happening to me. (In fact, sadly, our ailing brains have to do battle with others who think we are mentally ill or just plain lazy. It’s like waging a war on two fronts with weapons that don’t work. Hardly seems fair at all.) Those with the painful words need those with the hopeful words to help them heal. Similarly, those with the hopeful words need those with the painful words because it gives their former suffering (from which they have healed) meaning. One side gives hope for healing and receives purpose/meaning for life. One side gives meaning/purpose and receives hope for healing.  It’s a perfect balance.

 

I have heard it said that God does not waste one iota of suffering. I think that the converse is true as well. We probably should not waste one iota of hope and healing.

 

Anyway, my thinking this morning had to do with suffering in general and its purpose. I recently had the flu for two weeks and then was well for a week before getting the horrendous cold that I have now had for 5 days. I was thinking about how good I felt that one week compared to how I felt the previous two weeks and this week. That was a REALLY good week. I doubt that I would have appreciated it nearly as much without the episode of the flu and this cold. We can feel really good. We can feel really bad. I don’t know that we could discern “good” without bad. It would be boring. It’s something that I never would have thought about before w/d. Now, I look forward to the “good” that will eventually show up again when the cold leaves. There will ALWAYS be good to show up in the future. It will just be interspersed with some bad, but the bad makes the good even better.

 

The supreme example is making it to the goal as we heal from benzo w/d. It’s as bad as anything I can imagine. But it makes the good indescribably good.

 

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Now THAT is a REAL success story!  Bravo!  I was starting to get a bit concerned about the quality of some of the success stories I have been reading lately, but this restores my confidence in full healing!  Thank you, Eli!

 

8)

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      Eli,

            God led me here. For that I am truly grateful. To experience

      suffering only enhances Joy. Hope is good, and no good thing ever

          goes away.

      Thank you for your words of wisdom, and hope.

                Blessings

                Notforme

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