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Is it possible to be this depressed even on Lexapro?


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It’s been since April 18 since i started taking Lexapro again. The new psy also told me it was ok to take gabapentin 100mg & remeron 3mg (she mentioned I could stop those two ct since it was such a low dose). I was feeling fine for 2-3 wks then the major depression hit like a train. Once I wake up I have intrusive thoughts about ending up mentally insane, homeless, being alone because my loved ones left me behind, thoughts about death. I have developed panic disorder, non stop monophobia and agoraphobia. I had to leave the movie theater after 10 mins of being there. I can’t watch tv, I get triggered that I won’t go back to normal and that I won’t be ever able to travel to those places on tv. From what I know my mother is schizophrenic and homeless because she refused to get help, I think everyday that I’ll become like her. I get random OCD everyday, if it’s not about one horrific thing, it’s about another. I also wanna mention that besides Lexapro, Valium, Gabapentin & Remeron.. I took lamictal in the past for about 3 weeks.. does this mean my brain has no hope?! I read stories of people starting an ssri & feeling better, why didn’t this happen to me? No one else believes I’m on wd, they keep saying it’s been almost 4 months, 3 of them call me dumb for taking these kind of meds when I didn’t need them.. is it possible to go mentally insane from taking these meds?

 

Edit: Changed date since it was inaccurate

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I was on Lexepro during my recovery and I was depressed, benzo depression is impervious to antidepressants for some of us.

 

Not being able to watch TV is common, I couldn’t either and its so frustrating because it would be such a great distraction.  I tried to go to a movie one time, went by myself because I didn’t know how long I’d last, made it through the previews, that was about it. 

 

I developed agoraphobia too but it went away, but not at 4 months, add another 10 to that and that’s about the average timespan for recovery.

 

You’re not your mother, just like I’m not mine.  We have a brain injury, not a brain disease, and while I don’t think you can go insane from being on these drugs, it doesn’t sound like they’re doing you a whole lot of good.

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I was on Lexepro during my recovery and I was depressed, benzo depression is impervious to antidepressants for some of us.

 

Not being able to watch TV is common, I couldn’t either and its so frustrating because it would be such a great distraction.  I tried to go to a movie one time, went by myself because I didn’t know how long I’d last, made it through the previews, that was about it. 

 

I developed agoraphobia too but it went away, but not at 4 months, add another 10 to that and that’s about the average timespan for recovery.

 

You’re not your mother, just like I’m not mine.  We have a brain injury, not a brain disease, and while I don’t think you can go insane from being on these drugs, it doesn’t sound like they’re doing you a whole lot of good.

 

Hey Pamster,

I tell myself I’m not her, however I have this fear because her schizophrenia symptoms started showing up when she was around my age, maybe she had symptoms before but she didn’t tell anyone.. she did have the trauma that her younger sister took her life when she was around 23. Another thing it’s that I’m so traumatized/paranoia by the experience of living with her and being abusive towards myself and my sister in a new country and the benzo wd. I don’t know if trauma can make me insane. If you can give me some advice I’d gladly appreciate it.

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Has your mother ever acknowledged her disease, mine never did.  I think the fact that you’re concerned points to you not having it.  I was pretty much told that when I sought help while in benzo recovery.  I worried just like you that I was turning out like my mom so I went to a therapist and he asked me a list of questions, nope, I don’t have schizophrenia. 

 

We all experience trauma, it doesn’t mean it makes you susceptible to developing schizophrenia.  And I’m pretty sure your mom was able to hide her symptoms for quite awhile, mine did, their perceived survival depends on them keeping this secret.  It’s such a cruel disease, their brain is telling them lies, just like benzo’s do.

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Dear Pamster,

Mine never did either. I’m having lots and lots of paranoia from events that happened in the past. I also wake up hating myself… if I don’t wake up thinking about the benzo, I wake up thinking about random stuff that had happened in the past thinking im in danger/paranoia. My hands and arms shake so bad from anxiety. I’m totally depressed, not eating, if I stay on bed longer.. I think more and more about fears.

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Antidepressants have little defense in benzo recovery.  It has a mind of its own and can’t really be stopped. 

 

In my experience, antidepressants helped mood a decent amount overall but they couldn’t come close to stopping intense episodes of chemical anxiety.  I had a few isolated instances of crazy depression that were caused by absolutely nothing, and they did nothing to help that. 

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What you’re dealing with are intrusive thoughts and they’re caused by withdrawal, this is The Ashton Manual.

 

Intrusive memories. A fascinating symptom in patients undergoing benzodiazepine withdrawal is that they often mention the occurrence of what seem to be intrusive memories. Their minds will suddenly conjure up a vivid memory of someone they have not thought about or seen for years. Sometimes the other person's face will appear when looking in the mirror. The memory seems uncalled for and may recur, intruding on other thoughts. The interesting thing about these memories is that they often start to occur at the same time that vivid dreams appear; these may be delayed until one or more weeks after the dosage tapering has started. Since recent sleep research indicates that certain stages of sleep (REMS and SWS) are important for memory functions, it is likely that the dreams and the memories are connected. In both cases the phenomena may herald the beginning of a return in normal memory functions and, although sometimes disturbing, can be welcomed as a sign of a step towards recovery.

 

Poor memory and concentration are also features of benzodiazepine withdrawal, and are probably due to continued effects of the drug. Mentors should be prepared to repeat encouragements again and again, week after week, as their words are soon forgotten.

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I don’t even know if I’ll be taking Lexapro for life at this point.. I tried to stopped it once and my anxiety rocketed. I was so young and naive when I started it bc I had pms I asked my gynecologist for something. I forgot to add propranolol only took pills here and then when the tachycardia was pretty bad, Hydroxyzine (only 2-3pills) and bupropion (only one pill.. felt extra anxious).. I also had alcohol & few Memantine pills after wd (alcohol: socially only, yes, im an idiot and I didn’t know any better) is it possible to never ever take anything like I used to.. or am I tied to a psy med for life..
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Thank you everyone for your replies.

Pamster, I’d love for you to be my therapist.. mine discards everything as panic disorder. I don’t know if my mother heard voices or not.. that wasn’t very clear, I remember she thought the mirrors were watching her, random people were following her, family members being ‘tied to famous people’, drs were a mafia, all the phones were watching her/listening to her.. etc

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I don’t know the reason why you’re on so many medications but if they were added because the doctor didn’t recognize benzo dependence, tolerance or withdrawal then I don’t see why you can’t go off of them when you’ve recovered from this.

 

Schizophrenia is an awful condition, think about it, we perceive the world through our brain, it tells us what we’re seeing, feeling and hearing.  Now imagine some doctor or family member telling you what you’re seeing, feeling and hearing is wrong, you have an illness and you’re sick.  Imagine how hard you’d fight knowing for certain what you can see with your own eyes is the truth. 

 

Now think about this process and how so many doctors tell us what we’re seeing, feeling and hearing is wrong, we’re sick, not with a drug withdrawal but all of these other conditions they try to pin on us.

 

My mom has been gone a long time but I so wish I would have been more understanding.  I looked to the medical establishment to fix her, I was just like so many people who try to tell us we’re wrong to go on the internet seeking help with our benzo situation, we should be doing what the medical professionals tell us.  It sure seems like there are some parallels between what our mothers had to go through and what we face while withdrawing from these darn drugs.

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Thanks Pamster.

Knowing my mother is alive out there somewhere, the trauma and physical/mental abuse she did to my sister and I, and now this benzo trauma.. the first days were the worst, how ‘throwing up’ sounds came out of my mouth as I was getting extremely anxious when family members compared to my mother… everyone around me tells me to snap out of it, that’s almost 4 months.. I just want them to understand what I’m going thru.

 

I also forgot to add sumatriptan to the list…

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