Not the kind of waves I was looking forward to

Back in acute 3 months out.  I did a very rapid taper from .75m Ativan to 0 in 10 days.  I am as dysfunctional today as I was on day one.  I had some stressful news set me off a couple days ago and had zero sleep that night.  Maybe 4-5 hours last night.  I live steps from the beach and could be enjoying ocean waves, but instead I'm in solitary confinement battling a different kind of wave.  At least inmates get an hour outside.

 

Everything has changed for me in the last 3 months.  Personality/Relationships/Outlook just to name a few.  I have had a few days where I could go out and see people from my community.  Made it to the gym 7 or 8 times but my usual workout seemed to make me worse.  I have been such a staple in my community for so many years.  People reach out and I explain it to those I know will believe me, or at least will not tell me to just get over it.  With the rest of them I just have to stay distant and vague.

 

I keep thinking I messed up bad with the rapid taper (basically CT).  This was before I found BB or Ashton. The times I used it in the past were short term and CT with seemingly no consequences.  Not so lucky this time.  I have scoured this forum (bad obsession I know) to look for patterns.  Its hard to know what is true and what is opinion when it comes to recovery potential.  Plenty of people who taper seem to suffer as much as CT.  I guess we are all different.  I don't know how to plan for the future feeling like this.  Many of the coaches say to stay off the forums, but I can't help it.  I have to search for a realistic answer and try to find a way to improve.

 

I keep thinking of that first doc visit when I needed help sleeping 6 years ago.  Death in the family, cancer in another family member, career stress and more.  I didn't understand what I was being prescribed.  Had he said Xanax I would have bolted then.  Instead it was some obscure medicine called lorazepam.  Little did I know.  He just wrote the script and didn't even tell me what it was.  I was just so eager to have solution for my stress induced insomnia.

 

He put a friend of mine on xanax during Covid.  He is still on it and struggling. I worry for him.  This doc has done way more harm to my community than good.  He doesn't seem like a bad guy.  Just ignorant like the rest of them.  I don't even want to go back to him for my annual physical.  If I bring this up he'll probably get defensive and treat me like a mental patient.

 

The 2nd time he wrote me a script for this was May 2022.  By then I knew what it was but still didn't understand the consequences.  I used about 20 of the .5mg pills over 3 or 4 weeks.  This was after the FDA introduced the black box warning.  I don't understand why he didn't tell me then.  Surely he should have been aware of the FDA warning.

 

I was able to rip myself off them last year but looking back my behavior and personality had changed a bit.  I was putting myself in extremely stressful situations which ultimately led me to reach for the leftover script from last year at the beginning of Feb this year.

 

I know once I get some better sleep I will feel better.  I just don't know how I can navigate my world if I can't take on stress.

 

I'm not trying to be a downer.  Just want some feedback about rapid taper.  This year I was on for 33 days total including 10 days rapid taper.  I started at .25mg for about two weeks, then .5mg for a week, then .75mg for two days.  That is when I realized I was up-dosing and becoming tolerant quickly, so started to rapid taper.  I went down .05mg every day from .75mg till .2mg.  Then I jumped off.

 

J

My heart goes out to you. You are only three months out, which is very little time in benzo recovery in some instances. You had some functional days, which is progress. What are your symptoms at this time? Are you thinking that reinstating and slow tapering is a solution? (I do not advocate reinstatement, but I know it has sometimes worked, depending on the reason for it. For example, Emma Saunders and Nicole Lamberson reinstating due to severe akathisia.)

My heart goes out to you. You are only three months out, which is very little time in benzo recovery in some instances. You had some functional days, which is progress. What are your symptoms at this time? Are you thinking that reinstating and slow tapering is a solution? (I do not advocate reinstatement, but I know it has sometimes worked, depending on the reason for it. For example, Emma Saunders and Nicole Lamberson reinstating due to severe akathisia.)

 

Thank you for the thoughtful response Rebecca.  My symptoms are nausea (haven't had a real meal in days), blocked ear and can hear my pulse in there.  Had this during acute.  Ear canal feels sore.  I keep using Q-Tips and even tried it with hydrogen peroxide to clear it out.  All the typical mental symptoms.  Lots of rumination.  Laying in bed 24 hours trying to distract or research.  At least I can work from here.  My skin is dry and itchy.  Tingling feet. Muscle spasms.  Head pressure.  I'm sure I could come up with more if I think about it. 

 

I've read enough about reinstating or trying other meds to resolve myself to sticking this out.  If I thought it would be a long term solution I would try it.  But I'm obviously very sensitive to meds. Over the years my doc gave me prednisone a couple times (corticosteroid) for a pinched nerve.  I had very strange reactions.  A milder version of this experience except extreme agitation and aggression. 

 

My life was good before I met this doc.  I had challenges like everyone else but rose up to them and prospered.  I think my main symptom is replaying those doctor visits and wondering how someone supposedly so educated and skilled could make such mistakes.  I was always suspicious of the mental health world so thought I was safe going to a regular doctor.  Big pharma has them all under tight control.

You will get through this and have your life back. As painful as this time is, it is temporary.

Thank you Rebecca.  I forced myself outside today.  Saw some peeps from the community and put my game face on.  Had some food.  Walked 3 miles in the warm summer sun.  Hopefully that will earn me some sleep tonight.  I'll take whatever I can get. 

That sounds like a really nice day. I hope tomorrow is equally as nice or even better.

Same, if the doctor had been honest about xanax or valium and that it was addicitve when I said nothing addictive I would have ran away too. Only went there to ask what rivotril was because my dad freaked out and a CBT center recommended it. My mild cortisone withdrawal feeling like fighting for my life but becoming stronger every day and gping to acupuncture for relief has turned into an absolute shitshow that would never have happeend with an ethical doctor and/or a calmer dad. My fauly for still living at home at 25. Different generation and him not respecting my boundaries. Stupid of me to not realize in time. My younger sister wqs out of that house before our parents could screw her up.

Same, if the doctor had been honest about xanax or valium and that it was addicitve when I said nothing addictive I would have ran away too. Only went there to ask what rivotril was because my dad freaked out and a CBT center recommended it. My mild cortisone withdrawal feeling like fighting for my life but becoming stronger every day and gping to acupuncture for relief has turned into an absolute shitshow that would never have happeend with an ethical doctor and/or a calmer dad. My fauly for still living at home at 25. Different generation and him not respecting my boundaries. Stupid of me to not realize in time. My younger sister wqs out of that house before our parents could screw her up.

Your anger and frustration are justified.  People love to fire ignorant platitudes at us:  "suck it up", "just get up and go outside", "this is the most prescribed drug out there.  It is safe and effective.", "you went on google and think you know more than a doctor?" and my favorite "go speak to a doctor about it".

 

It was trusting doctors that put me in this position in the first place.  My instincts were always correct. But I was so desperate to sleep I let my guard down for once.

 

I refused the jab and that nearly cost me my career.  I refused pills when I had an 'episode' at 23 (long time ago).  That episode was due to being an immigrant working in the family bar business, struggling to pay for college without debt (our culture refused debt).  Being the life of the party at the bar.  Helping friends and family with their problems, and more extremely stressful experiences that only an immigrant could understand.

 

The pressure took it's toll and I had a breakdown.  I was agitated, not dangerous.  And my agitation was most definitely justified.  I needed a hug and for someone to listen to me.  Not tackle me, shackle me, and inject me with drugs.  My own family subjected me to this.  All they had to do was listen to me.  I had quit drinking because it was causing depression (another no no in my culture).  I tried cannabis to deal with the alcohol withdrawal.  I had an adverse reaction and ended up not sleeping for days and becoming agitated which is how the episode began.

 

When I was released I tossed all their 'medicines' and opted to abstain from everything and started jogging and going to the gym.  That turned my life around.  I became successful and happy.  It wasn't until 6 years ago when I went to my doctor (I deliberately avoided psychiatry due to my first experience 20 years before) that I was first introduced to benzos.  I asked him for help sleeping.  I was under immense stress due to family dynamics and work.  I was not sleeping and was dysfunctional.  Lack of sleep was what caused my first episode 20 years prior, and if I had another I was at risk of deportation. 

 

My doc casually handed me a prescription for lorazepam.  I had no idea it was just like Xanax.  I knew to stay away from that.  Had I known I would have run.  He didn't warn me at all about it.  He treated it like a Tylenol. I used it sparingly and stopped before one prescription was finished.

 

A couple years later when Trump was targeting 'criminal aliens' for deportation my stress levels went straight up.  I was a legal immigrant, but due to my episode at 23 I had been arrested by an aggressive cop 3 times for dumb stuff.  (Trespass on train tracks, reckless driving which should have been a speeding ticket, and other minor non violent stuff).  Trump meant to say "illegal aliens with a criminal record" but instead he said "criminal aliens" which put me squarely in the demographic of people that ICE had a right to target and arrest. 

 

I had set up a google alert for any news article about deportations.  Every day I would see horror stories of good people being deported for stupid non-violent stuff that happened 20 or 30 years ago.  One woman claimed her husband (a successful doctor) was abusive to her (she wanted custody) and for that he was deported.  She begged and pleaded and admitted that she had made it up.  No dice. 

 

I was beyond stressed out.  Every time someone came to my door I would have a panic attack.  I was afraid to answer the door thinking it could be ICE.  At the time every headline was about non-stop deportations.  It didn't matter if you were legal or not.  The jackboots were coming for us all if we had ever encountered police in the past. 

 

I had spent tens of thousands on lawyers and was trying to navigate the most complex and cruel immigration system on the planet.  This was the 2nd time I briefly reached for ativan.  Looking back I think my first use had made me more sensitized and prone to anxiety (which I had never experienced beyond normal anxiety before).  This is why I was so stressed out by the immigration thing.  Imagine being torn out of your home at 3am and sent back to a country you hadn't been to in decades since you were 14.  If you wanted to fight your case you would have to remain in prison and hope to not get stabbed while waiting for your chance to plead to an immigration judge.  You either forfeit your right and get on the next plane out, or you wait in detention for a year or two.  There is no bail in that system.  There is no right to defense (you have to pay for your own).  There is no jury.  A judge decides your fate and that is that.

 

I have since completed my complicated immigration case and am now a US citizen which is why I can finally write about it (this is my first time).  Imagine my frustration now when I see what is currently going on at the southern US border.  Anyone who wants to come is escorted in, handed money and a phone, and given a free ride to wherever they want to go.  I spent 25 years and nearly $100k on this case because of that bully cop.  I couldn't go home to my aunt's funeral, or my nephews funeral.  I had to give up promotions because I couldn't take international assignments because of the stress of coming back in through immigration.

 

So yes.  You have a right to be frustrated with your family.  And no one can fix what has been done.  The only thing you can do is accept it and focus on healing.  I know you are.  I have watched you come through this.  You have youth on your side.  Had I learned this the first time I would not be in this position.  I know it is little comfort but you can take solace in that you are benzo wise after the first go around and have time on your side.

 

J