Jump to content

8 Months Off


[Re...]

Recommended Posts

I cannot believe I took my last dose of Ativan 242 days ago. I had such high hopes for a healthier future before the cessation of the drug. I was in tolerance between doses and thought I was suffering at the time. The symptoms were insomnia, breakthrough anxiety, and tachycardia—complete child's play compared to today's problems at eight months off.

 

Little did I know about the REAL pain and suffering I would be facing next -- pain and suffering so extreme you would not think it is a possibility for a human being to experience or endure.

 

I WISH I could say I am getting regular windows or having fun living life again. But I am not at the moment. If anything, the pain and torture have gotten worse and sustained at this level. I have had one mini window that lasted eight days. It was around Easter. Symptoms did not go away, but I had about 30 percent relief, enough to wonder if I was turning a corner. Then WHAM back to reality but even worse.

 

You could call the pain that I have experienced a "suicidal pain" -- a term I learned from a neurologist when he thought I might have trigeminal neuralgia during benzo withdrawal. Thankfully, I did not have trigeminal neuralgia. Still, I have had many other pains that could be put into this "suicidal pain" category that one would choose to cease to exist over having to experience.

 

Somehow, I am still here. I do not even physiologically know how a body (and subsequently a mind) can experience such physical torture for so many months and withstand it.

 

Writing this now does not even seem real. I exist daily through this horrendous nightmare, now eight months OFF. It could be the DP/DR, which I now know the term for -- the feeling of not being here when I am. I know many terms that I once did not know, like tinnitus and akathisia. I have been living with them after benzos until this point. I say "until this point" with the idea that I do not own these symptoms, I honestly refuse them in a way, and maybe they could be gone in a moment. A moment that would be extremely joyous as these symptoms have taken a once peaceful, quiet, meditative life and turned it upside down and stomped on it hard over and over again, then run it over many times with a Mack truck. The withdrawal game could change tomorrow or in an hour. It is a severe mindf**k and the worst of its kind.

 

Let me tell you the list of symptoms I have:

 

Akathisia (includes agoraphobia, burning skin, muscle stiffness, strange chest and diaphragm sensations, adrenaline pumping 24/7)

Dry Skin

Ear popping

Extreme Fatigue

Hyperacusis

Inner Vibration

Jaw tightness (much improved)

Muscle twitches all over, including eyelids

Nostril burning

Numb hands

Sensitivity to everything -- food, meds, light, sound, words, memories, etc., etc., etc

Tinnitus

 

I suffer the most, I would say, from brokenheartedness. I am not going to call this depression anymore because it is not. I am grief-stricken from a beautiful life snatched away and replaced by a tiny, literally dark (blinds closed), godless, constantly restless attempt to survive. One that nobody "on the outside" truly understands but those who have been in the prison cell of severe withdrawal for months and months and months. This is not regular grief. It is guttural sorrow, intense and persistent. I do not have the tears to cry it. 

 

Let me explain the godless part. How many times have I dropped to my knees, begging God to have mercy on me in the last eight months? Praying for help. How often have those prayers gone unanswered, and more pain has been served on the menu? Too many to count. It has been a sad but actual fact of my life, so much so that I have stopped praying after years of having God so close. I miss God so much. I really, really do.

 

I hope this post doesn't scare anyone looking for a two-week or 90-day recovery period. I was that person. Doctors kept telling me not to worry; I would improve in two weeks! Then it turned into three months when that didn't happen, then six months when that didn't happen, and now to blank stares and shrugs from the same professionals who told me this was safe to do in the first place.

 

You could heal sooner than I have; please know this. But I do not have high hopes like I used to anymore. Like, maybe you do reading this. There are still so many moments where I do not know if I will make it out alive from this or HOW. I genuinely hope that I am wrong and that I do and will. I certainly do not wish this to be the last chapter. But if it is, I will accept it as so. Prepare for the worst, and wish for the best...

 

Congratulations on eight months today, Rebecca. I cannot say life is better for you than before quitting benzos. But there certainly isn't a path back now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry to hear that Rebecca,

I could have wrote this story. I had every symptom you have at 8 months. Things didn’t even start getting better for until about 14 months off. I also lived in a blacked out room and wondered were my god that I have been so close to most of my life had gone. I prayed every day for relief from the pain and suffering. I no longer pray and I no longer have a deep love for god. This is worse than having a terminal illness. At least a terminal illness will release you eventually and you can go home. This will not kill you. It will only make you wish you were dead. I am now 18 months off and a lot of the most horrible symptoms have left but the one main symptom that refuses to leave for me is insomnia. I keep fighting every day hoping that tomorrow will be better and you should to. There is no guarantee that everybody gets better but I guess enough people do that it is something to hope for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry to hear that Rebecca,

I could have wrote this story. I had every symptom you have at 8 months. Things didn’t even start getting better for until about 14 months off. I also lived in a blacked out room and wondered were my god that I have been so close to most of my life had gone. I prayed every day for relief from the pain and suffering. I no longer pray and I no longer have a deep love for god. This is worse than having a terminal illness. At least a terminal illness will release you eventually and you can go home. This will not kill you. It will only make you wish you were dead. I am now 18 months off and a lot of the most horrible symptoms have left but the one main symptom that refuses to leave for me is insomnia. I keep fighting every day hoping that tomorrow will be better and you should to. There is no guarantee that everybody gets better but I guess enough people do that it is something to hope for.

 

I think you summed it up perfectly when you said, “This is worse than having a terminal illness. At least a terminal illness will release you eventually and you can go home. This will not kill you. It will only make you wish you were dead.”

 

I really hope that your start sleeping soon. Did you have to taper off of other medications after the benzo?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This made me cry

 

I starting looking for God 4 and half months ago when I came off this crap. Sometimes I think I feel him, sometimes I don't.

I hope and pray that YOU find faith again when you DO recover. I believe that you will

God bless

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The disconnected feeling from Source/God is one of the most painful in this.  And, I know that many, many people experience this.

 

It's not just a feeling of being abandoned during the most difficult time in our lives, but it's that feeling of not being able to open your heart to that love and energy at this time.  Something in the brain gets shut down...access is denied to that part of ourselves.  The part that feels as though it is gone forever.  But, it isn't. 

 

I still pray...every night.  At night is when I feel something again, albeit something small.

 

I can feel and relate to you pain and suffering, Rebecca.  You are not alone.

 

Warmly,

F

xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Praying for you, Rebecca29. I'm so sorry you're suffering so much at eight months out. I just jumped 13 days ago, and I wonder if this ever gets better. I completely understand that feeling like God is no longer present. I've felt so often in this that I am physically unable to pray. It has gotten better over time, but man, it was like a physical block between me and God. It was truly awful, and it still isn't completely back. So few people can understand the bleakness and intensity of this kind of suffering. I believe you will get better, and I hope and pray it happens very soon.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So much written here has touched my heart.  I haven't fully leaned into my suffering on here, because I didn't want to scare anyone... but reading how bad it has been for others, has anchored me...  thank you for your honesty.

It lets me know I'm not alone.

Yes I have prayed and begged for mercy too..... so many times.  In the night.

The godless land that is benzo withdrawal can be soul crushing.  For me, insomnia, and feeling like I was behind 2 sheets of plexiglass were the worst.  I literally couldn't catch my breath some days.  I remember having to go shopping while hallucinating, and having trouble breathing and balancing...

 

At 18 months free, I am finally staring to heal.  My journey with benzos has profoundly changed the course of my life for the last 20 years. 

Even a month ago, I truly felt myself giving up hope for healing.

 

I feel parts of myself returning now...  my heart,  and my tears.  My longing and even joy.  It's like those parts are coming back like someone slowly turning up the volume.......and it feels miraculous..  I can't quite believe it,  and oh my it has taken so long.

 

Please don't give up.  I hope and pray for each one of us that feels broken and lost....  please give your body a message of love...  it's listening and it's healing.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow Janice. Such a beautiful post. I hope healing is in the cards for me. At the moment the symptoms have been so bad that we are looking into palliative care. Neurological damage has been controlling my body and mind, I can’t do the things I once loved, I’m in constant severe pain from the Akathisia, I’m suffering and it’s burdening everyone around me.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...