Surviving a Cold Turkey off Benzos: there is HOPE

Hello my friends,

I went CT off benzos over 10 years ago, and feel the need to reach out to you. Here is my story.

I seldom come here now, as Ive healed and now feel just wonderful. But I owe so much to BB. I know as a fact that without this support system I would have reinstated and most likely, Id be very dead now. I used and abused benzos every night for 30 years. No lie. The last 12 years, they were legally prescribed but inn huge doses for a woman who weighed lass than 110 lbs. Thats because I  had such a tolerance, ie, addiction. I am a nurse. I knew benzos were addictive. What I did NOT know was how withdrawal can be, for some people.  I chose to take them anyway, to "fix my intractible insomnia." I have always had trouble sleeping. For years I used alcohol, then benzos. Benzos worked a whole lot better but for many years I both drank AND took benzos. Oh my. Over time my overall health began to spiral down. I am a nurse,and  I assumed it was because I had some sort of illness causing those changes. Doctors and Specialists were consulted, but none could give me a true diagnosis. "Maybe you have fibromyalgia, maybe you have MS, maybe you have parkinsons. None of the tests were conclusive. The sad part is NONE of these idiots looked at my extensive med list. Apparently, none of them knew that benzos can CAUSE ALL OF THEE WEIRD SYMPTOMS I HAD BACK THEN. Well, neither did I. Miss know it all nurse did not know this at all.

When my weight plummeted to 85 lbs, I was getting weaker and weaker. I used a walker. I had many falls and broke several bones requiring extensive surgery. Any time I doubt I went through all of this, all I have to do is look at my right leg. I had fallen and broke my femur, plus blew apart a knee replacement. I almost became an amputee, but a decent surgeon fixed the leg. But it will never be normal, ever. Its now 2 inches shorted than my left leg, and it has caused a lot of pain over the years. That happened in about 2008. Several months later I fell again and broke the right hip. My right leg is now metal from hip to below knee, and its circulation is not good at all. I walk with a pronounced limp. My right leg does not bend much so using stairs is difficult. I cannot get on my knees as I cannot get back up without holding onto something sturdy and even that is very hard for me to do. And ALL of this was directly caused by my darling benzos. That is the truth.

BUT: I no longer fall. Those falls were caused by my benzos and perhaps my SSRIs.

OK. In 2012, my doctor figured out that perhaps my health was being affected by benzos, so he called the prescribing doctor and threatened to report him if he continued to prescribe them for me. Unbelievable, right? I was forced to go cold turkey off a 30 year addiction/love affair with benzos. You are right, they should NOT have done this!! But there is more to it than that: I knew even back then that this was my ONLY hope of getting off benzos. Took me a while to figure this out, as withdrawal caused me to have a really awful and dumb benzo brain. My first year was simply awful. I was pretty much insane for all of that year, hallucinating with all five senses, a FEAR so strong I felt I as going to die any minute. NO sleep for a year except brief blank outs. A night I had broken sleep for 2 hours was a good night for me. You name a symptom, and I had it. Akasthesia, paranoia, high anxiety, panic attacks, benzo belly, brain zaps, I could go on and on. But you guys already know this stuff, as you are living it right now. And most of you secretly think you are the worst case ever known. Some of you are sure you have a real disease, as this could NOT be caused by benzos. LOL! Yes, it can. Almost ALL of you fear you will never heal. ALL of you constantly comb through BB entrees, Success Stories, etc etc., looking for hope and some sort of explanation on WHY you feel so horrible. Almost all of you read stuff on other sites about benzos and also read about what diseases can cause your miserable symptoms. This is all normal for us. Normal. Some of you will experiment with OTC fixes, or supplements, or even perhaps psych meds, all in the effort to feel better somehow. The hard part is that there is NO fix for benzo wd. Its something you just have to endure, with the hope you will recover.

I recovered, God help me. Of all BB people, eastcoast62 was the least likely member to heal. But she did. i did heal. I truly believe that getting off benzos was the absolute best thing Ive ever done. I have been a super slow healer, but I DID heal and here is MY TRUTHL: I am SO SO HAPPY NOW. I LIKE MYSELF, I LIKE MY LIFE, DESPITE THE INJURIES BENZOS CAUSED ME TO HAVE. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR STICKING IT OUT. Countless times I considered reinstating, just for some relief. Glad I didnt, because it turns out that when one reinstates, the next withdrawal may be much worse.

I could choose to see things differently: that benzos "ruined" my life. I did lose 30 years to them, I pushed away friends and family, i made poor choices both personally and work wise. A brain soaked in benzos will NEVER EVER see things clearly. It cant. Period. On a bad day now, that sort of thought flits into my mind. Perhaps a day when my leg hurts more. And briefly I feel sorry for myself. But my "training" here on BB always saves me from wallowing in it. Early on, with one of the most messed up brains on Planet Earth, I decided to "fake it." I would act as it I felt better than I did. Nearly all my posts here were cheerful, and I tried to be helpful even though I was such a newbie. When I finally wrote my Success Story, people were shocked to read how awful I felt back then, how severe my symptoms were. I had faked it quite well. OK, now WHY is faking it a GOOD thing and NOT a lie? This is really, really important for you to grasp:

It has been proved in many decent studies that "faking it" consistently over time CAN AND WILL actually change how your brain and mind see things. Eventually you wont need to fake it, because those changes will have become truly who you are. On the news last week there was a story about how you can re-train your face to get rid of frown lines. Same sort of idea and Im sure it works! In fact, I plan to try this myself. It should be easy to find research and ideas on this online. Try Googling "faking possitivity" or something similar.

its not a new idea, its been around for years. While on benzos, I became depressed. Badly so. I went into therapy (CBT) and even though it didnt help, I found it useful in small ways. CBT could NOT work on me because my depression was CAUSED BY MY DRUGS. BENZOS AND SSRIS. After going CT, and after healing a lot, my depression just.........was not there. Holy cow. I was NOT ever truly depressed. It was drug induced depression. That alone is simply unbelievable, simply horrifying! How many other people there must be, depressed and not knowing its their "medications"?!?! Early on in my withdrawal, something my therapist had talked about popped into my frazzled mind. "Fake it, Annie." So I did. I sat down and wrote out q10 of my worst negative thoughts. Then I went back and reversed them.

"I will never feel good again" became "I will feel good again, in fact, Ill feel better."

"I am the worst case on BB, so that means I wont heal" became "Others feel worse than I do and I WILL heal."

"Im a lousy person, a nurse who took drugs she got on her job" became "I made poor choices but I wont do that again and I will; be a better nurse because of this."

You get the idea? It is worth trying but only if you throw yourself into it. No diddling around, just do it for at least a week and then assess how you feel. It CANT hurt you, it can only help and God knows, people in benzo wd need to try things in order to feel better.

 

My love to all of you. Im your cheering section, here in the good ol USA. A person who knows how awful you do feel, how scared you are, how unsure you are about almost everything. A person who knows how lonely you feel, like your life has been ripped away from you, and wondering if you'll ever be able to feel good, to love someone, to feel positive, to enjoy your day........again. I can only tell you that you will. But you have to start believing this.

eastcoast

(Annie)

Thank you so much for sharing.  Your journey is truly moving and inspirational.  When did you feel that you were recovered after the CT?  Thanks again for sharing your story.

Thanks so much Annie for sharing your experience, it really encouraging and does  give  me hope!

how long did it take for your sleep to recover?

 

mine is still crap 18 months out... ok some nights i get broken 7 hours but just went through a 2 week window where it was back to the 1,5 hrs to 3 broken hr thing... like toxic naps at night. i had great sleep pre benzos... was only on the damned things 3 weeks...

 

glad you are so well now! thanks for coming back.

Thanks for coming back Annie. I ct from a 2 month low dose stent of Xanax. My timeline has been much like yours. The first year was no sleep, massive anxiety, dpdr, hallucinations, panic, etc. I am now 17 months off and most symptoms have either left or are majorly diminished. Sleep is still very broken and full of dreams. When did you start sleeping well again?

Hi Annie "Eastcoast!" I'm glad to hear you're doing well! You have written that you worked at a nursing home 16 years ago, and I was a surgical nurse eight years ago. And now we are former nurses and pensioners, and I miss it so much. And you have written that you had stolen drugs at work for many years, and I think it was very brave to admit it. And several times you have written that "most doctors and nurses have stolen drugs". But I hope, that everyone doesn't think so, it would be a disaster and I would be ashamed. It's not true. Some of my friends here on BB have also been nurses, and I know they would be very upset. And therefore, it feels important to write this in a friendly way. 

 

 

 

 

Brought tears to my eyes.Thank you

Randomly came across a comment you made in 2013, I decided to check your others and I was so surprised to see 2023- but so glad I did. One month earlier and I would have missed it. Isn’t that incredible..I’m so glad you share your story, it made me cry. It’s so good to see what you’ve succeeded at.Thank you.

 

The advice you gave about writing your negative thoughts and then replacing them with how you choose to feel instead literally surprised me. My friend told me to do this recently- I definitely feel I was meant to see your message. I’m going to take your and also my friends advice and make that list now.

 

Sometimes we just need a reminder to keep going.

Thank you so much for your story. I just came off a 12 day ordeal. I did not even know that it was possible to have a panic attack for 24 hrs straight, in 12 days.

 

It is all too much. I cling on to your story for hope.

 

I will be fully, completely, permanently healed too. I am healing day by day.

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for writing. I am so happy you are well.

 

This line: A person who knows how awful you do feel, how scared you are, how unsure you are about almost everything. A person who knows how lonely you feel, like your life has been ripped away from you, and wondering if you'll ever be able to feel good, to love someone, to feel positive, to enjoy your day........again. I can only tell you that you will. But you have to start believing this.

 

Wow. You are speaking to me. I needed to read that this evening.

 

I also see that you were on other meds and even had issues with some antibiotics during your healing and you still got better. I am so happy. Live it up!! One day I will join you in living it up too!!

 

Much love to you <3