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9YrsFree, Finally Shared My Story with an Audience in F2F Life


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Dear Buddies,

On March 16th, I celebrated 9 Yrs Benzo Free by sharing my story for the first time with a diverse audience in the F2F world. I did it for us—buddies like you—who know what it’s like to be shocked into wordlessness, or face a fear so big you need to wrap yourself in a pharmaceutical cocoon. I want to raise awareness, because none of us asked for this, and none of us deserves the stigma we so often face.

 

I’ve finally found a way to tell my story that doesn’t scare people or cause them to shut down. I had to get creative… I framed my benzo experience within the context of a Greek myth about a girl named Persephone, who was abducted into hell and had to fight her way back. I used a lot of images, because I wanted people to sense and feel what it was like for us, physically. I didn’t want them to get stuck in their heads.

 

I’ve been a student of archetypal psychology for five years. I was attracted because I could relate my personal benzo experience to its concepts of transformative suffering and archetypal descent and return. Also, I liked the idea of placing my personal pain within a spiritual context without the trappings of western religion.

 

You’ll be glad to hear that my presentation was well received. And as a special treat, Fliprain—one of my mentors here at BB—attended to support me, and she spoke during the Q&A. She is 10YrsFree, and an inspiration to us all.

 

One final bit of good news—I’ve been asked to give this presentation again. This time to a group of academics and Jungian professionals. (more people to educate!) So it looks like I’ve finally found my way to give back to BB, quirky as it is. We need our stories told in as many ways as possible, until hopefully there comes a day when we no longer need an anonymous forum at all.

 

Sending love,

Aft :smitten:

 

Here’s an excerpt from my presentation (minus the myth of Persephone). Keep in mind, most of the people I was speaking to had no experience with benzos. And many of them had never studied archetypal psychology. But they got it, or at least they felt it. If you have time to read on, I hope your bodies, too, will be able to feel what I was trying to say:

 

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"My unexpected, life changing moment was not so much an abduction as it was a knockout—from a medical one-two punch. Five weeks after I got married, I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test, hoping it would be positive. But instead, I was told I had developed a pituitary adenoma. A few months after that, I went for a mammogram, and received a diagnosis of breast cancer. Something was growing in my brain and something was growing in my breast, and neither was supposed to be there. I was thrust into the underworld of illness, and the terrain was unrecognizable.

 

Soon it became clear I was battling very complicated and frightening invaders. Both conditions required ongoing, invasive treatment, and I was prescribed a combination of benzodiazepines to help with anxiety and sleep. Within a month, I found myself transformed into a sedated, stumbling shell of a woman. But I accepted it and carried on."

 

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"It took years of carrying on like a trooper before I realized that part of the reason I felt so disoriented was because I was masking my feelings with medication. How could I know where I stood if I didn’t even know I was standing? The medication had blocked my anxiety, it’s true, but it also blocked my awareness and orientation. I was left without a personal compass, and lost my sense of direction. I was emotionally ungrounded and intellectually adrift. And I lived this way for more than a decade.

 

After a dozen years of treatment, I was extremely lucky. They shrunk the tumor in my brain and removed the cancer from my breast. Two major wins. But during that same time, my tolerance for benzos had increased, and my dose had quadrupled. I was taking pills five times a day and emotionally, I had flatlined. So instead of feeling joy at my medical successes, I felt nothing."

 

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"Looking back now, I can see how much the benzos numbed me. It’s true, my benzo cocoon protected me from fear, but it also isolated me from feeling anything else. I was living in a state of perpetual disconnect.

 

This was the knowledge I had to accept. Before I could fully participate in the cancer-free/tumor-free life awaiting me, I had to accept the truth about my benzo cocoon. I needed to accept the truth of my reality and do something about it. So I chose to discontinue my medication—and it was a helluva task."

 

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"It may surprise you to hear that tapering off benzodiazepines was the hardest battle of my life. I created this image to give you an idea of how it felt. It isn’t this hard for everyone, but for thousands of us, it’s almost insurmountable. It would take a year of constant suffering, and another year of limited functioning before I would free myself from the hell of slowly, painstakingly, tapering my dose down to zero. All the while experiencing relentless symptoms of withdrawal."

 

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"Even though I’m a writer, there are many times when an image says more than my words ever could. And thankfully there are gifted artists able to express what I cannot. Here’s an image called Female Abraxas painted by Carl Jung’s patient, Christiana Morgan. It’s her vision of archetypal descent and transformative suffering, drawn from her personal experience. Maybe some of you can relate to what you see. I especially relate to her sense of burning from the inside out."

 

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"In the months before I began my taper I was at a loss for words. I’d tried to stop taking benzos one time before—and failed. This time, I knew it was going to be a long haul. And I knew it was gonna hurt like hell. Still, I remained speechless. Then I came upon an image that expressed how I was feeling. It even expressed what I was afraid to feel. When I first saw this illustration of a woman walking through Hades I felt conflicting emotions. I was equally attracted and repelled, but I found myself returning to gaze at her again and again. And within a very short time, I felt a driving urge to carry a reminder of her with me always. I needed her—to bolster my courage, give me a sense of direction, and serve as the personal compass I had lost. I needed her to become my ally."

 

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"So I reimagined this woman’s journey as a series of underworld allies in the form of symbolic tattoos. The idea was shocking to me, because I was a suburban mom and had absolutely no history with body art. But I couldn’t shake it. I was fearful of what lay ahead, and felt intuitively that a series of tattoos would give me strength. At the time, I had never heard of Persephone—yet elements of her story are reflected in the images I chose to illustrate my path of slowly climbing out of benzo hell."

 

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"So you see, I had begun to sense that my challenges were part of a bigger pattern, even before I could name that pattern. Long before I knew of the mythical pattern of descent and return, I was envisioning aspects of archetypal transformation. Looking back now, I attribute my choice of images to an innate sense of being on an important path. But I had no idea that path was so well-traveled and had been illuminated in archetypal stories dating back thousands of years."

 

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"My experience, like Persephone’s, tested me and was transformative. In the end I was changed, as was she. I held a deeper respect for the challenges so many of us will face. I called my final tattoo The Immortal Goddess, and she represents benzo freedom.

Without knowing it, I had translated my own story of archetypal descent-and-return into an example of the mythical in everyday life. And through my underworld ally tattoos, my mythical experience will live on with me forever. As a reminder of both the personal and the eternal.

Additionally, my tattoos remind me that my body is also my ally, even when it hurts. Like the blended colors of ink that created my tattoos, my body is a blend of my experiences. It’s an expression of the dark, the light and everything in-between.

 

And speaking of reminders… Today, March 16th, is a special day for me. It’s my Ninth Benzo-free Anniversary. I took my last pill nine years ago today."

 

~ ~ ~

 

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Thank you for sharing your talent, yours is a powerful story.  I wonder how those in the room react when you tell them "It may surprise you to hear that tapering off benzodiazepines was the hardest battle of my life"?
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This is beautiful. Congratulations on 9 years and on sharing your benzo journey!

TY, jelly baby! Back in my day, we were lucky to have Piano Girl, Challis, and Magrita as Admins. Thank you for taking up the mantle. Such important work.  :smitten:

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Thank you for sharing your talent, yours is a powerful story.  I wonder how those in the room react when you tell them "It may surprise you to hear that tapering off benzodiazepines was the hardest battle of my life"?

And thank you to you too, Pamster, for your dedication and support.  :smitten: Interestingly, while many people were surprised that getting off benzos was harder for me than beating cancer (I was lucky w the cancer), there was one women logged on from Ireland and she knew ALL about it. She also knew of Heather Ashton’s work. I think they are still much more benzo-aware in the UK than we are here in the US.

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pianogirl and magrita are still around, but we're lucky to have jelly baby and Brigherday with us too.  :smitten:

 

I think you're right about more awareness in the UK, it seems like doctors are slowing down on prescribing but the trouble is, they're not serving those still on the drug well, there has help for those already dependent. 

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It seems to me that since 2020, the US is also more careful about prescribing benzos. Especially with the black box labels now. This could have saved me from this misery. Continental Europe is still a problem. They are trying now to be less so but still...
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It seems to me that since 2020, the US is also more careful about prescribing benzos. Especially with the black box labels now. This could have saved me from this misery. Continental Europe is still a problem. They are trying now to be less so but still...

 

Hi Cocodot. Agreed. But we still need to catch-up to the level opiate-awareness our country now has. And I'm still shocked by how many people trying to stop drinking alcohol still think that substituting benzos is a step forward. Two steps forward one step back. Thx for stopping by.

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Beautifully written! Many congratulations on being free for nine years and for finding a way to make meaning of the torment you went through. I also especially appreciated the live presentation. It was moving and inspirational. I really do think you have the gift of story telling. I’m so pleased to know you’ll be giving the presentation again. I see this morphing into something of great service the world and to you.

 

My therapist is part of a Jungian study group here and I am going to share this post with her. She will be appreciative!

❤️

Flip

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Beautifully written! Many congratulations on being free for nine years and for finding a way to make meaning of the torment you went through. I also especially appreciated the live presentation. It was moving and inspirational. I really do think you have the gift of story telling. I’m so pleased to know you’ll be giving the presentation again. I see this morphing into something of great service the world and to you.

 

My therapist is part of a Jungian study group here and I am going to share this post with her. She will be appreciative!

❤️

Flip

 

Thanks, Flip! It’s been so wonderful to reconnect with you. Your support at the presentation meant the world to me. Talk soon :smitten:

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Such a beautiful transformation.  Beautifully written and executed.  Thank you.  :smitten:

 

Thank YOU LoneSomeDove (Duval at his best, btw) for taking the time to comment. Yep, it’s only in retrospect that the ‘beauty’ becomes apparent. We are all capable of so much more than we can imagine at the time. :smitten:

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  • 2 weeks later...
Thank you for sharing an amazing story, and milestone.  I'm just beginning to see I have a story to tell, and will tell it one day when I've been set free :)
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Aft35yrs

 

Thank you for sharing this. I hadn't considered what a feminine archetype would look like going through this experience. I have also found that processing this experience through archetypes, mythology, and movies has helped me navigate things.

A few scenes/mythologies that have helped me are :

 

Pan's Labyrinth - Just stick to the path and I will make it to healing

 

The Phoenix Rising from the ashes - This one was crazy. I keep the screensaver of my phone as motifs and symbols for different phases of my life to reinforce the subconscious programming. On June 27 2020 I made my screen saver a phoenix in all it's inferno glory. On June 28th I feel into a camp fire sustaining 3rd and 2nd degree burns on my face, neck, and arms. This happened in the midst of going through tolerance withdrawal without knowing what I was going through and 3 days of no sleep. Truly a living hell experience. Something to note is God often represented as fire in the Bible. It's been said that, "The only thing that can remain after coming in contact with fire is the truth." Between what happened in the actual fire and Benzo's scorching my nervous system, I am a new person. Only the strongest and most reselient parts of me were left to start this experience. This experience has brought out the truth that was always in me.

 

The Dark Knight Rises - Batman being beaten up by Bain, having his back broken, not being able to move hardly and watching everything taken from while he can do nothing physically. I have faith that one day I will be able to take the leap and escape from this pit.

 

The muscle tension and rigidity makes me think of the common archetype where the aging king is frozen and it's the symbolic representation of a new way of thinking that has to defrost the kingdom.

 

I write and journal pretty much daily unless I have a day physically/mentally I can't. This reminds me of the movie Memento where he was getting the tattoos and leaving pics/notes so that he could put together the full picture of what has happened.

 

I could go on. Thanks for sharing this. If there were an opportunity for other members from the community to speak on their experience in a similar way I would be happy to contribute.

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Thank you for sharing an amazing story, and milestone.  I'm just beginning to see I have a story to tell, and will tell it one day when I've been set free :)

Hi oregonlady, I see you’ve recently returned to BB, but I think I remember you from my days—Welcome back! For so many of us, this can be a very long process, so I understand completely. I tried a fast taper once and couldn’t function at all and had to postpone for a couple of years.

 

Yes,  I’m sure you do have a story to tell and your perspective will get clearer over time. You’re making a major life-choice, and in my experience, it’s worth it, whether it takes months, years or decades. Wishing you the best  :smitten:

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Thank you for sharing an amazing story, and milestone.  I'm just beginning to see I have a story to tell, and will tell it one day when I've been set free :)

Hi oregonlady, I see you’ve recently returned to BB, but I think I remember you from my days—Welcome back! For so many of us, this can be a very long process, so I understand completely. I tried a fast taper once and couldn’t function at all and had to postpone for a couple of years.

 

Yes,  I’m sure you do have a story to tell and your perspective will get clearer over time. You’re making a major life-choice, and in my experience, it’s worth it, whether it takes months, years or decades. Wishing you the best  :smitten:

 

Thank you so much for this seems I get overly emotional about stuff but it feels good to have people that understand around me thank you again sorry about no punctuation I'm on my phone right now and I don't know how to text so I just use voice on my phone

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Aft35yrs

 

Thank you for sharing this. I hadn't considered what a feminine archetype would look like going through this experience. I have also found that processing this experience through archetypes, mythology, and movies has helped me navigate things.

A few scenes/mythologies that have helped me are :

 

Pan's Labyrinth - Just stick to the path and I will make it to healing

 

The Phoenix Rising from the ashes - This one was crazy. I keep the screensaver of my phone as motifs and symbols for different phases of my life to reinforce the subconscious programming. On June 27 2020 I made my screen saver a phoenix in all it's inferno glory. On June 28th I feel into a camp fire sustaining 3rd and 2nd degree burns on my face, neck, and arms. This happened in the midst of going through tolerance withdrawal without knowing what I was going through and 3 days of no sleep. Truly a living hell experience. Something to note is God often represented as fire in the Bible. It's been said that, "The only thing that can remain after coming in contact with fire is the truth." Between what happened in the actual fire and Benzo's scorching my nervous system, I am a new person. Only the strongest and most reselient parts of me were left to start this experience. This experience has brought out the truth that was always in me.

 

The Dark Knight Rises - Batman being beaten up by Bain, having his back broken, not being able to move hardly and watching everything taken from while he can do nothing physically. I have faith that one day I will be able to take the leap and escape from this pit.

 

The muscle tension and rigidity makes me think of the common archetype where the aging king is frozen and it's the symbolic representation of a new way of thinking that has to defrost the kingdom.

 

I write and journal pretty much daily unless I have a day physically/mentally I can't. This reminds me of the movie Memento where he was getting the tattoos and leaving pics/notes so that he could put together the full picture of what has happened.

 

I could go on. Thanks for sharing this. If there were an opportunity for other members from the community to speak on their experience in a similar way I would be happy to contribute.

 

Hi CMagneto, nice to meet a fellow mythology enthusiast! I see you named your blog Pan’s Labyrinth—how apropos. I loved keeping a blog here at BB. In fact I’d go so far as to say keeping a blog was the most important thing to aid my progress and recovery. Hope it is helpful to you too.

 

And thanks for pointing out the tattoo parallels in the film Memento. I’ve actually never seen it, but now I will.

 

It sounds like keeping an archetypal perspective is helping you and grounding you and giving you courage. That’s the magic of myths, huh? They are bigger than all of us and will outlast us as well.

 

Thanks for your kind words and insights. You are well on your way. :smitten:

 

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Thank you for sharing an amazing story, and milestone.  I'm just beginning to see I have a story to tell, and will tell it one day when I've been set free :)

Hi oregonlady, I see you’ve recently returned to BB, but I think I remember you from my days—Welcome back! For so many of us, this can be a very long process, so I understand completely. I tried a fast taper once and couldn’t function at all and had to postpone for a couple of years.

 

Yes,  I’m sure you do have a story to tell and your perspective will get clearer over time. You’re making a major life-choice, and in my experience, it’s worth it, whether it takes months, years or decades. Wishing you the best  :smitten:

 

Thank you so much for this seems I get overly emotional about stuff but it feels good to have people that understand around me thank you again sorry about no punctuation I'm on my phone right now and I don't know how to text so I just use voice on my phone

 

Thank YOU for wanting to reply soo much that you used your phone to type! I’m 64 and my eyesight isn’t what it used to be, so I GET IT. Small screens are a challenge, lol.

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You're so welcome as I do get excited and want to respond as quickly as possible when someone speaks to me on here and yes things are getting more and more of a challenge every day 😁😁😉 it may sound crazy but I think this challenge on facing now is one of the best things that's happened to me in a long time
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Wow 9 years Aft! how time flies it’s 12 for me. Many congratulations to you Aft, sorry I am late getting here. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you are such a wonderful talent.  It was beautifully written you are an inspiration.  I’m so pleased the presentation went well and your educating more people.  Flip is such a treasure I am glad she was there for you.

 

Lots of love, wishing you the best of everything.

 

Magrita mini-graphics-hearts-683379.gif

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Thank you, Aft35years,

 

I was inspired and encouraged by your words. I’m 39 months Benzo free and still challenged, but functional and grateful. Congrats on your successful journey.

 

Sandy

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Wow 9 years Aft! how time flies it’s 12 for me. Many congratulations to you Aft, sorry I am late getting here. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you are such a wonderful talent.  It was beautifully written you are an inspiration.  I’m so pleased the presentation went well and your educating more people.  Flip is such a treasure I am glad she was there for you.

 

Lots of love, wishing you the best of everything.

 

Magrita mini-graphics-hearts-683379.gif

 

Magrita! I was hoping you’d stop by :smitten:  i remember so many long, sleepless nights when I’d log on to BB and find you here. Your support and reassurance meant the world to me. Yes, I’m finally comfortable talking about this experience now, and remain surprised by how many people are still unaware of the true nature of the risk, even w black box warnings. We’ve come so far, but there’s still a long way to go. All the best to you too.

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Thank you, Aft35years,

 

I was inspired and encouraged by your words. I’m 39 months Benzo free and still challenged, but functional and grateful. Congrats on your successful journey.

 

Sandy

 

Hi sjs,

Yes, at 3YrsFree I considered myself a success, but not fully healed. So I get it. Compared to where we began, to be functional is a major win. I see your personal saying is ‘master of persistence.’ Love it. A wise doctor friend of mine (who has faced serious illness himself) said the key to his success is Hope and Dogged Persistence. I like that image. Great choice. :smitten:

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It seems to me that since 2020, the US is also more careful about prescribing benzos. Especially with the black box labels now. This could have saved me from this misery. Continental Europe is still a problem. They are trying now to be less so but still...

 

Hi Cocodot. Agreed. But we still need to catch-up to the level opiate-awareness our country now has. And I'm still shocked by how many people trying to stop drinking alcohol still think that substituting benzos is a step forward. Two steps forward one step back. Thx for stopping by.

 

Oh the horrors of thinking to replace drinking alcohol with benzos. This is a point I had never thought of, thanks for highlighting this.

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It seems to me that since 2020, the US is also more careful about prescribing benzos. Especially with the black box labels now. This could have saved me from this misery. Continental Europe is still a problem. They are trying now to be less so but still...

 

Hi Cocodot. Agreed. But we still need to catch-up to the level opiate-awareness our country now has. And I'm still shocked by how many people trying to stop drinking alcohol still think that substituting benzos is a step forward. Two steps forward one step back. Thx for stopping by.

 

Oh the horrors of thinking to replace drinking alcohol with benzos. This is a point I had never thought of, thanks for highlighting this.

 

Hi kanoba, yes I discovered that first hand. At one point early in my recovery I went to an AA meeting (because there are no BenzoFree groups) to celebrate being free with others who had their own struggles with alcohol. I was shocked when 3 of them cam up to me after I spoke and said their doctor had prescribed xanax to help them stay off alcohol. I was speechless.

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