Suffering and God and Loneliness

In my 25 years on this planet, I have suffered some. But my suffering has never come close to what I am experiencing on a daily basis now.

Called the paramedics today in the midst of a panic attack. Was convinced I was having a heart attack or dying somehow.

I try remind myself that my suffering only brings me closer to God. I try to remind myself that I can't control whether or not my heart keeps beating, or the blood vessels in my brain stay intact. Yet the panic still comes. It comes and comes and comes.

To make a long story short: I am afraid. I am afraid to die. I am afraid of the unknown. I want to reach deep inside of myself and pull out some strength and some light and some hope, but everything seems so dark. Never have I felt so alone.

I don't want things to revolve around me. I don't want to be so caught up in myself and my own suffering and my own fears. This world is already full of so much sorrow and selfishness. I want to help others, not hurt them. I want to be good. I want to try and do only good things in my life.

I know how sensitive our minds become during this process, and I am sorry if this writing has added to anybody's pain.

I don't really even know what I am trying to communicate. I guess I just want somebody out there to know that I have a voice.

With God's mercy, I hope I may make it to the other side of all of this. I hope I never lose my hope.

"Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul."

- William Ernest Henley

Hi Chunkibumpi,

I believe that you have already won half the battle just by having an amazing attitude and the right spirit towards facing the brutal suffering that you and all of us are undergoing. I’d like to share this prayer that has been a tremendous help to me, especially when I’ve felt like I was drowning in hopelessness, anxiety, or loneliness.

LITANY OF TRUST

From the belief that I have to earn Your Love,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear that I am unlovable,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the false security that I have what it takes,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear that trusting You will leave me more destitute,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From all suspicions of Your words and promises,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the rebellion against childlike dependency on You,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From refusals and reluctances in accepting Your will,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From anxieties about the future,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From resentment and or excessive preoccupation with the past,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From restless self-seeking in the moment,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From disbelief in Your love and presence,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being asked to give more than I have,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the belief that my life has no meaning or worth,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of what love demands,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From discouragement,

Deliver me, Jesus.

That You are continually holding me, sustaining me, and loving me,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That Your love goes deeper than my sins and failings and transforms me,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That nor knowing what tomorrow brings is an invitation to lean on You,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You are with me in my suffering,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That my suffering, united to Your own, will bear fruit in this life and in the next,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You will not leave me an orphan, that You are present in Your church,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That Your plan is better than anything else,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You always hear me and in Your goodness always respond to me,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That you give me the grace to accept forgiveness and to forgive others,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You give me all the strength I need for what is asked,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That my life is a gift,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You will teach me to trust You,

Jesus, I trust in You.

In my 25 years on this planet, I have suffered some. But my suffering has never come close to what I am experiencing on a daily basis now.

 

Called the paramedics today in the midst of a panic attack. Was convinced I was having a heart attack or dying somehow.

 

I try remind myself that my suffering only brings me closer to God. I try to remind myself that I can't control whether or not my heart keeps beating, or the blood vessels in my brain stay intact. Yet the panic still comes. It comes and comes and comes.

 

To make a long story short: I am afraid. I am afraid to die. I am afraid of the unknown. I want to reach deep inside of myself and pull out some strength and some light and some hope, but everything seems so dark. Never have I felt so alone.

 

I don't want things to revolve around me. I don't want to be so caught up in myself and my own suffering and my own fears. This world is already full of so much sorrow and selfishness. I want to help others, not hurt them. I want to be good. I want to try and do only good things in my life.

 

I know how sensitive our minds become during this process, and I am sorry if this writing has added to anybody's pain.

 

I don't really even know what I am trying to communicate. I guess I just want somebody out there to know that I have a voice.

 

With God's mercy, I hope I may make it to the other side of all of this. I hope I never lose my hope.

 

"Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

 

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

 

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul."

 

- William Ernest Henley

CB

I have a lot to respond with to your amazing post.  Just need a day or 2.  Hope you got this reply.  I see it has been approx. a week since you posted it.

Kindly

j

Hi Chunkibumpi,

I believe that you have already won half the battle just by having an amazing attitude and the right spirit towards facing the brutal suffering that you and all of us are undergoing. I’d like to share this prayer that has been a tremendous help to me, especially when I’ve felt like I was drowning in hopelessness, anxiety, or loneliness.

 

LITANY OF TRUST

From the belief that I have to earn Your Love,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear that I am unlovable,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the false security that I have what it takes,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear that trusting You will leave me more destitute,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From all suspicions of Your words and promises,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the rebellion against childlike dependency on You,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From refusals and reluctances in accepting Your will,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From anxieties about the future,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From resentment and or excessive preoccupation with the past,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From restless self-seeking in the moment,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From disbelief in Your love and presence,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being asked to give more than I have,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the belief that my life has no meaning or worth,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of what love demands,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From discouragement,

Deliver me, Jesus.

That You are continually holding me, sustaining me, and loving me,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That Your love goes deeper than my sins and failings and transforms me,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That nor knowing what tomorrow brings is an invitation to lean on You,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You are with me in my suffering,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That my suffering, united to Your own, will bear fruit in this life and in the next,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You will not leave me an orphan, that You are present in Your church,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That Your plan is better than anything else,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You always hear me and in Your goodness always respond to me,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That you give me the grace to accept forgiveness and to forgive others,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You give me all the strength I need for what is asked,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That my life is a gift,

Jesus, I trust in You.

That You will teach me to trust You,

Jesus, I trust in You.

SD

Thanks. 

Dear soul, your post really touched my heart. In many ways I have been where you are. This is suffering beyond the human comprehension and definitely brings us closer to god/spirit.

I’m sorry for all you have had to endure, you are so young to be going through such hard times, but everything you have written tells me that you are a strong and deep soul that WILL get through this. Your inquisitive mind and big open heart will guide you. It is such a beautiful thing to want to help others and spread goodness to the world, but this journey is now about you and your heart/soul which will grow stronger and bigger by this fire. Once you have healed, you will be able to be of service to others in a much more meaningful way. That has happened to so many people who have gotten to the other side. But right now it is about being there for yourself.

I hear you and see you. You will get through this.

Chunk

Still haven't replied because my condition worsened.  Hoping for a good opportunity.

j