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Toxic mornings? Is this even withdrawal? Please help me.


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Hello,

 

Towards the end of my use, throughout my taper and now, almost 8 months out, I have had excruciating mornings. I am smacked awake in the early morning, always 5-6:30am, unable to dose back off because I have paralyzingly depressive thoughts. Most of them center around feeling this way forever, obsessing over the past, and it just loops and loops until I have to force myself out of bed. I am obsessed with thinking about times I used to feel “normal”, but it’s getting increasingly more difficult to remember those times and I convince myself I’ve been this way forever and always will.

 

Is this all due to benzos? I’m starting to doubt it and that terrifies me even more. Did anyone else have this issue towards the end of use, all throughout taper and even 8 months out?? I am SO EXHAUSTED that I don’t think I can make it. I’m really convinced this is something else and it will be this way forever.

 

The only thing that remotely touched it was Abilify. But I don’t want to take it because it’s an antipsychotic. Is the fact that it helped me showing that it this isn’t withdrawal??

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It sounds like you’re getting hit with a powerful cortisol surge in the morning, most here have toxic mornings but yours sounds even worse.  Do these feelings and thoughts leave you in the afternoon and evening?
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It sounds like you’re getting hit with a powerful cortisol surge in the morning, most here have toxic mornings but yours sounds even worse.  Do these feelings and thoughts leave you in the afternoon and evening?

 

I am perfectly fine and at peace at night. It used to lift immediately when the sun went down. Sometimes it does, sometimes it’s later, but I do not go to bed feeling anxious ever. Is it normal for this to be following me for a year and a half now? (While on benzos toward the end, during the whole taper, and now, almost 8 months out).

 

It’s horrible, and then throughout the day is just constant brain chatter. Most of my thoughts revolve around this never going away, and I’ll never be able to doze back asleep when I wake up. I just need reassurance or to hear that someone had this and recovered.

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What you’re experiencing is normal, but what makes the physical so darn hard to cope with is because our mental and emotional state is so out of whack.  We’ve known pain in our lives, we scrape our knee, we know pain but our mind is able to help us acknowledge the pain without becoming hopeless it’ll never leave.  But not now, your mind is broken and the tools you’ve used your entire life aren’t letting you see past this.  It isn’t your fault but you have to stop listening to the lies the drug is telling you.

 

Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

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What you’re experiencing is normal, but what makes the physical so darn hard to cope with is because our mental and emotional state is so out of whack.  We’ve known pain in our lives, we scrape our knee, we know pain but our mind is able to help us acknowledge the pain without becoming hopeless it’ll never leave.  But not now, your mind is broken and the tools you’ve used your entire life aren’t letting you see past this.  It isn’t your fault but you have to stop listening to the lies the drug is telling you.

 

Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

 

Thank you… It would be easy for me to accept this as withdrawal if I just knew for sure that it was 100% the reason… this started toward the end of my use, all through my taper, and now at 8 months out. Can you please reassure me that withdrawal/benzos is the culprit?

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I think through the process of elimination we can help determine what’s going on.  Did you ever experience any of these conditions or feelings before you became dependent on, tolerant to or withdrawing from the drug?  What was the reason you were put on this drug in the first place?
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I think through the process of elimination we can help determine what’s going on.  Did you ever experience any of these conditions or feelings before you became dependent on, tolerant to or withdrawing from the drug?  What was the reason you were put on this drug in the first place?

 

I only started feeling this way as time went on the longer on benzos, but all hell broke loose towards the end and then throughout taper and now, 8 months out. I never had issues with early morning awakening like this, the dread that everything will always be this way. I used to have anxiety in the mornings due to fear of school and derealization attacks when I was young, maybe 11, which was the reason I was prescribed the benzos. I don’t remember it ever being this bad, and again, it just got worse throughout the years. Can benzos be to blame?

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I believe the benzo’s are to blame because you were okay until your body grew dependent on the drug and tolerant to the dose you were taking.  What you’ve described is common for us while going through this, it’s the drug, it’s not the new you, I’m sure of it.

 

It’s really too bad you were left on the drug for so long because as you’ve matured, you’ve gained life experience and tools to help you thrive without the crutch of the drug but you won’t know this until you’ve recovered. 

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I believe the benzo’s are to blame because you were okay until your body grew dependent on the drug and tolerant to the dose you were taking.  What you’ve described is common for us while going through this, it’s the drug, it’s not the new you, I’m sure of it.

 

It’s really too bad you were left on the drug for so long because as you’ve matured, you’ve gained life experience and tools to help you thrive without the crutch of the drug but you won’t know this until you’ve recovered.

 

I start therapy tomorrow… I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I keep obsessing about when I was 11 and when all of this started. Was I feeling the same way? Is this just how I am and benzos had nothing to do with it? I do not remember it being this bad.

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This wasn’t you at 11, your benzo use is what is making this so awful, you are not going to feel this way when you recover. 

 

It looks like you’re also dealing with intrusive thoughts, this is common too and while I applaud you for going to therapy, please know that the symptoms you’re experiencing are likely outside the understanding of your therapist, they’ll need to do some research to find out how to help you by acknowledging what role your benzo withdrawal is playing in your current state of mind.  Insist upon this because their conventional tools won’t work in your situation.

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This wasn’t you at 11, your benzo use is what is making this so awful, you are not going to feel this way when you recover. 

 

It looks like you’re also dealing with intrusive thoughts, this is common too and while I applaud you for going to therapy, please know that the symptoms you’re experiencing are likely outside the understanding of your therapist, they’ll need to do some research to find out how to help you by acknowledging what role your benzo withdrawal is playing in your current state of mind.  Insist upon this because their conventional tools won’t work in your situation.

 

Thank you. Isn’t it just weird or uncommon to be feeling just as bad as toward the end of my benzo use, a year and a half ago? With hardly any improvements?

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  • 2 months later...
It could be a morning cortisol rush. I get them too. Mornings are very anxiety-inducing and I tend to have a lot of existential thoughts around this time. Mind you, I'm three years out from my withdrawal, so our experiences are probably somewhat different. A lot of people with mental health issues have cortisol rushes upon waking in the morning - unable to fall back asleep, panic or panic attacks, etc..
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  • 1 month later...

What you’re experiencing is normal, but what makes the physical so darn hard to cope with is because our mental and emotional state is so out of whack.  We’ve known pain in our lives, we scrape our knee, we know pain but our mind is able to help us acknowledge the pain without becoming hopeless it’ll never leave.  But not now, your mind is broken and the tools you’ve used your entire life aren’t letting you see past this.  It isn’t your fault but you have to stop listening to the lies the drug is telling you.

 

Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

 

Thank you… It would be easy for me to accept this as withdrawal if I just knew for sure that it was 100% the reason… this started toward the end of my use, all through my taper, and now at 8 months out. Can you please reassure me that withdrawal/benzos is the culprit?

 

You hit on an important concept, in my mind. Knowing things are related to benzo withdrawals is a huge part of the battle. For years my doc told me that everything was "me" and I'm the problem. But... when I connected the dots, realized where the monster is, and could then accept it, the journey became easier (not easy). I'm glad you made this realization and are working to connect those dots...

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I’m ending month 8 and my mornings are much worse too. I force myself to get out of bed when I awake and go immediately outside for a walk. It’s not perfect but it really helps a lot!
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  • 3 weeks later...
I have those toxic mornings now, too! It's cortisol rush. I get panic attacks and nasty anxiety and a lot of physical symptoms and the extreme fatigue is the worst! So unbelievably strong that it literally scares the sh** out of me! Sometimes I would just like to cry because I feel so bad! And I don't know for how long it will still go on like this.! Benzo withdrawal may take a fu***** long time! But be sure It's benzo withdrawal and nothing else! Because What you describe is really typical! The good thing is it will somewhen definately go away! DEFINATELY! Only no one knows when! Don't believe all those Benzo Lies!!!! And don't let therapists or doctors tell you it wasn't withdrawal-they  all won't know unless they get hooked themselves
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