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FAMILY MEMBER/PARTNERS SUPPORT THREAD


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A new beginning for the Family Member/Partners Support Thread. 

 

 

 

A Little Something For All Of You

A Poem For All My Friends

 

I have a circle of friends I met

 

Their hearts are as pure as gold.

 

Caregiving is their lot in life

 

a position they're proud to up hold.

 

We come from different walks of life

 

from all over the world.

 

The common bond we all share;

 

we look after the ones we love.

 

Sharing our laughter and our tears,

 

encouragement is our goal.

 

We're there for one another

 

how could we ask for more.

 

By: Gloria Brewster June 2001

 

 

 

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Welcome to your new home, Pattylu and all.  :)

 

I've been following along with this blog for quite some time and am so very impressed with the level of compassion and support you've all given to each other over the last 18 months or so.

 

Pattylu, you're the best. Thank you for having the foresight to start this very important support group.  :smitten:

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i like this - i think this group  will be easier to find this way.  and it makes sense- we are a true support group,  really a double support group- a support for those who support others.

 

snow falling in a lot of the usa, including where i am.  i think of snow as having cleansing qualities...just being positive.  stay safe and dry, all  (easy, i guess, for buddies from australia, new zealand, etc)

 

be well

 

erin

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Well,

I like the new digs.  All bookmarked and good to go.  Mrs. P is making slow but steady progress.  She will sink to hopeless and then rise up out of it in a matter of hours to acknowledge that it is all part of the process.  Still, I hate to see her so afraid for  her future.  I have found, though, that the reassurances I have always tried to offer are beginning to be a lot more believable to her now.  She has the belief  that she will get well, that she can push through the tough times and get better.  We have been at this for over 3 years, if you count the first go around with the medically advised 6 week taper!  She has been doing liquid titration for 14 months and we have found that to be our salvation.  Interesting that it didn't involve any medical help besides the Ashton Manual.  Hopefully, today will be one of those higher "plateaus" she describes after a wave.  Hope all are doing ok and taking care of yourselves.

Mr. P  :thumbsup:

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mr p- sounds like my life.  we've been at this for years already, depending which meltdown you count and which quitting of the benzos.  the hopelessness  is unbelievable at times but can be followed hours later by a seemingly different person.  my husband has been saying a lot lately- "this is who I am!!" and I have to give all these examples to show him his true colors- that he is not, in fact, this mess created by bad decisions and bad drugs.

 

hearing you loud and clear!

 

have strength

 

 

erin

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Hi All Supporters,

 

 

As many of you will discover, I was requested by the BB Team to begin a new thread in "Support Groups" for the Family Member /Partners blog that we had in "Buddie Blogs".  I proceeded as requested.  Though, after giving thought about this, I requested confirmation from the BB Team, if the new category was for "Members Only" or was it open to the "Public" on the net. "Buddie Blogs" was for "Members Only".

 

This category is NOT "Members Only"  Therefore, I have modified the original opening on this Thread, by removing the referenced link we had in Buddie Blogs.

 

Everything you post on this Thread will be read by anyone on the net.  I am sending a PM to each and everyone who posted on the blog to alert you to this.

 

Pattylu

Not sure how happy I am with the open door policy.  I have run across some real winners when looking for legitimate help and information.  You know the ones I mean, basement dwelling knuckle draggers with nothing better to do than prey on folks that may need this site.  We will have to see how well the thread is moderated, I guess.  Anyhow, hope you have a great day.

Mr. P  :)

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Hi All Supporters,

 

 

As many of you will discover, I was requested by the BB Team to begin a new thread in "Support Groups" for the Family Member /Partners blog that we had in "Buddie Blogs".  I proceeded as requested.  Though, after giving thought about this, I requested confirmation from the BB Team, if the new category was for "Members Only" or was it open to the "Public" on the net. "Buddie Blogs" was for "Members Only".

 

This category is NOT "Members Only"  Therefore, I have modified the original opening on this Thread, by removing the referenced link we had in Buddie Blogs.

 

Everything you post on this Thread will be read by anyone on the net.  I am sending a PM to each and everyone who posted on the blog to alert you to this.

 

Pattylu

Not sure how happy I am with the open door policy.  I have run across some real winners when looking for legitimate help and information.  You know the ones I mean, basement dwelling knuckle draggers with nothing better to do than prey on folks that may need this site.  We will have to see how well the thread is moderated, I guess.  Anyhow, hope you have a great day.

Mr. P  :)

Hello Everyone,

 

I want to hopefully, clear up what is meant by a public thread as opposed to a private-type of thread like the old thread in Buddie Blogs.  Just because the content of a thread is viewable by guests, (as this one is), your user names are redacted from public, (guest) view by our forum software.  Also, if you sign your posts with your user name this is also redacted from public view.  If you sign your posts with a nickname, the moderators will manually redact this name from public view when the moderator sees the nickname.  We only have to do this once and then the forum software takes care of this from then-on.   

 

As far as removing the link to the old blog from the opening post.  This is not necessary.  If a guest clicks on the link, the link will not redirect the guest to the old blog.  The link will be blocked.

 

As with the old thread, we should always be cautious and not share information that could potentially identify us when posting on the Internet.

 

Please feel free to post as you always have, however please do not share personally identifying information.

 

You have a great group of people posting here.  Please kick off your shoes and feel comfortable.  :) 

 

Take care.

 

Juliea

BB Team   

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Hello y'all,

My son is 11 months benzo free after a CT of 7 days in the hospital.

 

I recently asked my son to help clean up after himself, put his dishes in the dishwasher and then I would get him the treats that he wants, especially ice cream, milk shakes, and fast food.

 

I now believe he is capable of putting dishes in the dishwasher.

 

He is not willing to clean up after himself so I refused to buy him the treats he requests.

 

Last night he told me he felt like trashing the place after I refused to buy him ice cream.

 

This morning when I went over to his apartment he had trashed the kitchen. He had emptied boxes of rice, pasta, etc. on the floor and in both sinks. He had cleared out the refrig of things he did not want to eat and had dumpted everything on the floor.

 

The kitchen was completely unusable. I took out 2 large green garbage bags of trash from the kitchen. He had also dumped grape jelly on the rug.

When I told him this morning his behavior was totally inappropriate and asked him why he did it, he said because he could.

For the past 11 months I have been doing everything for him, cleaning up, doing his laundry, grocery shopping, etc. Everything!

The past few days have not been good for him. I noticed an increase in symptoms.

 

The family thinks that he was just having a temper tantrum because he told me ahead of time what he was planning on doing and he told me why he did it after the event.

 

I cleaned everything up while he was asleep because the kitchen was totally unusable. I thinks he is angry and frustrated and this might be benzo withdrawal related. My sister and daughter-in-law think he was having a temper tantrum like a 2 year old and was testing if he could get his way and I would relent and buy him his sugary treats.

 

We have been bringing him home made pies, spaghetti, etc. so it is not like he never has a home cooked meal.

Now he says he is going to starve himself. Is that statement another manipulation to get his way?

 

Have you experienced this behavior and what do you think should be my response? Baffled.

 

Thanks so very much.

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Hi terriblydistressed,

 

I've definitely experienced some irrational anger as a result of w/d, but I don't think that excuses anything and the way I chose to respond to it is to see it as a problem that has to be dealt with. The behavior you're describing is clearly unacceptable, and as you point out, the degree to which it was premeditated implies a fairly conscious decision making process.

 

I don't know enough about your situation to know what I would or wouldn't do, but overall I would try to find a productive way to explain my displeasure. It's one thing for someone to fly off the handle like that in their own apartment and with their own things, but the second something like that happens in public it can become very serious very fast and the police can be involved.

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I have to agree with spengler. I remember my own benzo rage. I felt so angry and had no idea why. I would say things to my "sainted" husband that I didn't mean but I always made the choice to apologize and I learned that turning on those I love while feeling such anger was the wrong thing to do. It only took a couple of times of my "venting" my anger to know that I was hurting someone I loved. Even in my benzo haze I knew not to push things to the point of harm again.

 

I hope your son will see this for himself very soon.

 

He's such a lucky guy to have such a loving and supportive mother.  :smitten:

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hi, td.  so sorry for what you are going through.

 

my hub has had many of these tantrums.  his mother recently told me that she often talks to him like he's 5 years old because that is how he is acting.

 

l have said many times on this site that, pain or not, w/d or not, you must take some responsibility for your behavior.  I tell my husband his pain does not give him a license to speak and act with no filter at all.  and so,  I think your son is able to take more responsibility for his behavior than he is.

 

I know how difficult it is to deal with someone acting this way.  may you, and we all, have the strength to see this through.

 

erin

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Erin, as someone who has been through this recovery, I disagree. Using the word 'tantrum' to explain your husbands outbursts is incorrect. He is in a lot of pain when he has these outbursts, and sometimes the pain is so much, and the emotions so out of the control of the person, that they cannot take full responsibility. Think of it as if he has been possessed and has no control. It's not a good feeling for your husband.

 

Most people become like a scared little children during this process at some point, it's just how it is in this recovery process, unfortunately.

 

I hope your husband finds some relief in the coming months. 

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Hi Patty, I know you addressed this to Juliea, but I'd just like to say a few things:

 

The "lurking person," as you call him, has gained entry to all our "private" boards in the past simply by joining under different screen-names which had differing IP addresses.  This hasn't happened recently, and we institute every possible protection against it, but it's the reason it's absolutely essential for everyone to maintain their anonymity, even on our "private" boards, which all members, including possible interlopers, have access to. This "lurking person" can be very determined at times, though he is not a real hacker.  So, if he, or anyone else with ill-will becomes a member, they have access to "private" areas too.  Every member must maintain their own security at all times. This is how things work on the internet---everyone has to protect themselves as best they can from whatever might be out there.

 

As far as the link to the old thread, the same thing applies, of course.  Anyone who joins has access to it, and non-members don't.  That's the extent of it.

 

:smitten:

Megan

 

 

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Erin, as someone who has been through this recovery, I disagree. Using the word 'tantrum' to explain your husbands outbursts is incorrect. He is in a lot of pain when he has these outbursts, and sometimes the pain is so much, and the emotions so out of the control of the person, that they cannot take full responsibility. Think of it as if he has been possessed and has no control. It's not a good feeling for your husband.

 

Most people become like a scared little children during this process at some point, it's just how it is in this recovery process, unfortunately.

 

 

This is true. My husband is mostly recovered now, hasn't had any "tantrums" for over a year at least. He has told me that if I hadn't understood what he was going through and gave him the grace to deal with it any way he could, he would have killed himself. He means it. And I believe it.

 

For the newbies, there is a darn good reason why a cold turkey off of benzos is repeatedly warned against. It's not just because of seizures, the severity of sx is often much greater and more prolonged. My hub's really, really bad stuff didn't even begin until 6 months off and got worse from there. I truly don't know how he survived it. Adding other meds may or may not make life more bearable from what I've read over the years here. But, treating a victim of a cold turkey off of benzos like a child is a big mistake, especially for a man, if you ever want him to act like a man again after he recovers. There IS life after benzo withdrawal after all and everyone needs some self respect. The problem is that the down regulation of the gaba receptors causes some pretty intense mental torture that I, myself, would be very careful not to downplay or minimize. A lot of people don't survive this.

 

I'm speaking confidently from a place of watching a perfectly happy, respectful, emotionally mature man go to raging, agitated, emotionally unstable  full of childlike fear and back again after taking Ativan fir only a month. If he had shown some of those lesser qualities BEFORE this happened, I'm sure I would have reacted differently and demanded he straighten up, but it was obvious to me it was ALL the drug. It's been proven now that it was...he's back to normal...with NO herculean effort to overcome the bad stuff...because it's all physical and once it's over there is no need to "try" to be more respectful, etc. ...no one could have stopped him from going back to work, playing with his kids, loving on his wife, doing all the things he could not do during wd, being his old good self AS SOON AS he felt better. Hey, it took 26 months for that to happen at our house. I almost gave up hope. So, my words & confidence haven't come cheaply. Not at all.

 

So, I just hated to see this support group start off in the wrong tone and thought I'd say my bit. Take it or leave it. Our case is unusual in that it was so severe but he never added more meds or reinstated, so it's an example of pure benzo withdrawal with little to complicate it. It can be used for comparison, although it's never good to compare because everyone's so different and you can get more fear or more false confidence, we all do it. Anyway, it was a worse case scenario BUT he's better! That's huge! He made it! Our family made it and we really didn't think we would. So hold on to that and be gracious & kind to those suffering through this seemingly nevere-ending pit of ugliness. You can never be too gracious & kind. You will end up with way fewer regrets in the end and more love coming back at you. Once you're through the bad stuff, you WILL care about how you responded and they WILL remember and appreciate every bit of sacrifice...or bitterness.

 

Stay strong everyone. BWD is not for wimps.  A lot of really tough choices to make for the caregivers/family, really difficult, because we have to CHOOSE everyday whether or not to stick around and encourage every single day and be forgotten by the whole world it seems every single day and that just sucks when it appears endless but we have to always remember that THEY have no choice but to wake up to such everlasting misery every single day and that can be completely unbearable & hopeless after just a little while; they NEED us to survive. You know, I never got any positive feedback for my efforts for over 2 years except the fact that he was still alive...that's normal. It's the nature of the beast. We all hate it. But we just have to accept it. My goal at first was to prove everyone wrong and get him healed quickly with supplements and exercise and nutrition. That goal soon turned into just getting him out alive and our family intact. It's hard to accept these things.

 

Hopefully, everyone reading this will not relate one bit to what I've said and not have to experience anything similar and I've just overreacted and wasted my time. I truly hope so.

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i know bw is trying to eb super helpful.  i so appreciate all of your remarks. but i like what hope1962 had to say- even in her benzo rage she learned not to be cruel to her saint of a husband.  why can't i expect some of the same from my hub?  and why can't td expect some of the same from her son?

 

this is the place we all turn to for support when there is nowhere else to turn.  if we can't say what we honestly feel on this forum, where on earth can we?

 

thank you all for listening.

 

happy shoveling- i know a lot of us got hit with snow this weekend.

 

erin

 

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Erin, I think the fact that your husband has been able to keep his job to support the family shows a lot about his character. Many, if not most, are not able to do that. If he comes home at the end of the day and 'lets loose' so to speak, it is very understandable. As BW stated, this benzo recovery is no joke, and people need a lot of support.

 

He may be holding on as tight as he can to keep it together at work and when he comes home he needs to take his walls down for a while.

 

My family has been very supportive to me throughout this process. They let me cry, scream, vent for hours, wake them in the night. Now that I am doing better, I am so appreciative of their support. Their  love throughout this process really strengthened our relationship in the end. You can use this experience to foster more love between you and your hubby.  :smitten:

 

I'm not saying he has the right to be cruel to you or your kids, but he may be irritable and snippy at times or need a lot of space.

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Erin,

 

1. Hope1962 tapered, if I remember correctly, and was a forum administrator during her taper. She did not have a severe experience I think she has stated before elsewhere. Your husband cold turkeyed the drug, way different. Think of the sx as being on a continuum and someone who tapers experiencing 1-5's maybe and someone who ct's experiencing more at the level of 5-10.

 

2. You can certainly say what you honestly feel but you have to expect others to do the same also. This is support for family/caregivers to navigate BWD successfully. If you say something that we've found to be incorrect, then it would not be supportive to just go along with it. Remember that all of us here are or have been under severe stress for a long time and don't have time or patience to beat around the bush...I don't anyway.

 

3. Either your hub or td's son were insensitive jerks before bwd and can control it, but they won't (and that would be a problem for a marriage support forum) or they are experiencing personality changes from the CT drug withdrawal and they cannot control it. Only you would know that. If they were not like this before wd, then it's best to show them unconditional love & support and give them the benefit of the doubt. Your hub is working through a ct wd so I'm assuming he loves his family and is making great efforts to please you. That stress alone could cause some great frustration to be let loose.

 

4. If you do some more research, you'll have a better idea of what your expectations should be. You CAN expect the same as Hope1962, but you may be sorely disappointed, is all I'm saying...and make things harder for your hub. This support forum is all about making things easier, if possible.

How to Support a Loved One with Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome

 

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My mobile device cut me off...

 

Here are some links that may be helpful in understanding more from their viewpoint.

 

How to Support a Loved One with Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome

http://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/2012/08/05/how-to-support-a-loved-with-benzo-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

DO'S & DON'T'S

http://recovery-road.org/dos-and-donts/

 

Support for Families

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFzkJKkGxZw

 

Benzodiazepine Withdrawal 2.5 Years Later

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfRGeqMIgGM

 

HOW BEST TO SUPPORT

http://recovery-road.org/support/

 

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ty, getting there and bw. i hear and appreciate all. 

 

- the work thing is a big deal, for sure.  i read the "who has to work?" thread and see that many, many pple have no choice and do their best.  really depends on your situation.  also, often it seems that work is preferable, healing-wise,  to lying in bed all day focusing on your symptoms and yourself and having few distractions.  my hub recently got some more leeway from his boss about taking off as needed, so that is good.

 

i've described earlier my hub as being generous and a great dad/hub, my partner in all- except when it came to benzos.  since he popped the first benzo, he has lied, gone behind my back, betrayed me, spent family $ on himself... if he had just consulted with me he would never be in this situation.  so there is a lot of anger and hurt about all this- i admit.

 

it will not work for me and my kids to go on with my husband's fits.  it will not.  i know bw, you had a lot to deal with re yr kids, but i am choosing to omit a lot of the truth and preserve my kids' innocence and stability- it's my priority.  i made arrangements for my hub to take off a week or two or longer if his boss agrees and stay with relatives in another state.  he is begging me to stay and we are working on other ways of "letting off steam"-  punching bags, jogging, calling his mom or a good friend (he has so much support) nad letting it out.    i've also mentioned hub chose to go on ADs and a sleeping aid so we are hoping full effect will be felt soon.  time will tell...

 

i am not saying my thoughts or methods are  the best.  they are mine and we need to do what works for us.

 

once again, i appreciate all the feedback and just being able to vent, as needed.

 

blessings to all,

 

erin

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All, it has been good to read the posts and range of emotions and situations.  BW as usual, you have had some great thoughts.  My wife is now 50 months off of .5mg Klonopin and she says she is doing worse than ever.  Not something I can question.  I see some improvement but she says she is getting worse.

This is one strange trip, never thought we would be where we are from a relative low level of Benzo's.  I do think some of the problem is because she was switched from two benzo before she was put of the Klonopin.  The holidays can always be tough and for her right now they are grueling.  We went to a neighborhood party fro a couple of hours last night, she did great, but didn't enjoy it. 

I read some success story's but there is not one that is exactly like another.  It's tough for her to keep going. 

I compare her situation to being a prisoner of war.  You dont' have any idea when you will get out, how long you will be in or what may happen with each day.  No disrespect to actual pow's just a way to identify with the situation.

What next?  Wake up tomorrow and start a new day, a new day to one step closer to the living hell being over.  Wow and I see Groundhog Day is on TV.  Wow

 

Keep the faith

 

Pardner

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ty, getting there and bw. i hear and appreciate all. 

 

- the work thing is a big deal, for sure.  i read the "who has to work?" thread and see that many, many pple have no choice and do their best.  really depends on your situation.  also, often it seems that work is preferable, healing-wise,  to lying in bed all day focusing on your symptoms and yourself and having few distractions.  my hub recently got some more leeway from his boss about taking off as needed, so that is good.

 

i've described earlier my hub as being generous and a great dad/hub, my partner in all- except when it came to benzos.  since he popped the first benzo, he has lied, gone behind my back, betrayed me, spent family $ on himself... if he had just consulted with me he would never be in this situation.  so there is a lot of anger and hurt about all this- i admit.

 

it will not work for me and my kids to go on with my husband's fits.  it will not.  i know bw, you had a lot to deal with re yr kids, but i am choosing to omit a lot of the truth and preserve my kids' innocence and stability- it's my priority.  i made arrangements for my hub to take off a week or two or longer if his boss agrees and stay with relatives in another state.  he is begging me to stay and we are working on other ways of "letting off steam"-  punching bags, jogging, calling his mom or a good friend (he has so much support) nad letting it out.    i've also mentioned hub chose to go on ADs and a sleeping aid so we are hoping full effect will be felt soon.  time will tell...

 

i am not saying my thoughts or methods are  the best.  they are mine and we need to do what works for us.

 

once again, i appreciate all the feedback and just being able to vent, as needed.

 

blessings to all,

 

erin

Erin,

When you get to that fork in the road, you have to make a choice.  No one here can second guess you on what it takes to make  your life manageable.  Keep the doors open, the bridges intact.  At some point, your husband will be able to see his way back.  Don't underestimate how desperate people can get, but do what you need to.  Mrs. P sees now what her behaviour was like back in her CT withdrawal, and it is sobering for her.  Your husband will likely have the same sort of epiphany. 

Mr. P  :)

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ty, mr.p.    my hub is already  horrified by his at times behavior.    I appreciate what you wrote.  I am not burning anything-  all my actions have the same goal of keeping my family intact.    with the kids and the secrecy and the unknown  I am nervous and, frankly, terrified, every single second of every single day.  thnks for understanding I am only trying to make things manageable.

 

hang in there, everybody  (talking to myself, too)

 

 

erin

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