4 Years Out...and I'm Outta Here!

Well, I guess this is it… these are my last words; the last time I tell my story.

 

4 years ago this past January 6, I took my last dose of Klonopin; a whopping .25 mgs. After 23 months on 1 K/day – sometimes taking 1.5, which was my prescription called for – I’d taken 6 weeks to taper; what my doctor considered a “slow taper”.  It was very rough going, to say the least!  I’d “tapered off” other drugs in the past and figured that in a couple weeks I’d be back to normal, though, so I just rode it out. 

 

Then a month to the day later I got hit with what my doctors could only describe as a stroke/seizure-LIKE episode…and I entered My Time in Hell: 2009.  For the next 6 months, some days I could get out of the house.  Other days I couldn’t even get off the couch. Whenever I could, I forced myself to do tai chi, which I recommend you do!  Morning anxiety drove me to find all the research on benzos I could find. I shared it with every media outlet and member of the medical community I could find. The only ones interested were the med community; it would have been nice to see my articles in the dozen big city newspapers and on the networks I contacted, though!  Most of the docs weren’t aware of bz damage or w/d and were grateful I gave them the information.  Others knew the story all too well and sadly had first-hand experience with benzo addictions & recovery.

 

I had no support at home. Aside from my BFF on the other end of the phone, I was pretty much alone with 24 symptoms, 24 hours/day for 6 solid months.  At month 7 it started lightening up a bit. My bad-to-good days ratio started to even out.  By month 11 (December) I was down to 9 symptoms and took my first temp job in almost  a year. I was beginning to feel human! 

 

I also withdrew from ambien over 3 months. By the end of December 2009 I was sleeping much better without ambien; a feat in itself as I’d used sleep meds for 24 years! After my rough time with tapering slowly, I know I couldn’t have endured a longer taper off K than what I did. I commend all of you for having the strength to take your w/d slow! (If you're taking other drugs while you're tapering please be aware that as benzos leave, your CNS starts reacting to the other drugs differently. This could be affecting your w/d.)

 

In January 2010 – my 1 year anniversary! -  I was down to 6 symptoms! I even went skiing! But then I blew my ACL on my last run of the day.  My surgeon understood benzo damage and gave me propofel and ether instead of the standard ativan, and I did well. He assured me that the hydrocodone & oxycontin he prescribed post-op wouldn’t have negative effects but they caused a BIG setback. A dozen symptoms returned as did my insomnia.

 

Fast forward…By the end of 2011 I’d gotten used to sleeping 2 to 4 hours/night and feeling my brain sizzle all the time.  My tinnitus just kept getting worse, and occasionally I’d let it get the better of me. But, I was back down to 6 symptoms so I was happy! Stress gave me big waves of old symptoms, so I avoided as much stress as I could.

 

At my 3nd anniversary my recovery stalled. Rather than concentrate on how I wasn’t healing, however, I threw myself into studying for a new career, working and working out. I felt good, all things considered.  By the end of 2012 the only improvement I’d made was in my insomnia; I was now sleeping 6 hours/night – and that was fantastic!

 

Sadly I lost my BFF who just couldn’t bear how much I’d changed. She was worn out having to constantly remind me to do things or of conversations we’d just had. Losing her broke my heart, but my docs tell me I’m doing fantastic compared to 4 years ago, and that’s what I focus on.

 

When I explain my benzo damage to others (a BB admin head has commended me for this simple & accurate description, so you might want to try it on laypersons), I say simply, that due to the drug moderating the CNS instead of the brain’s receptors doing the job, that part of the brain essentially atrophies. My receptors are taking a long time to rebuild, that’s all.

 

I want everyone to know I’m not “still struggling” or “still suffering” so please don’t reply with those phrases. I am not wringing my hands, wondering “when will this end? When will I be completely healed?”  Because in my opinion, thinking about this at all, after all this time, is thinking negatively. 

 

Don’t get all p-o’d at me for feeling this way, OK? But this is what works for me: I accept that how I am today could be how I will always be. I have peace with this (most days!).  Its Buddhist thought:  be in the now; be mindful and accepting; find peace in adversity as much as in joy. The best thing that happened as a result of My Year in Hell is that I found a spirituality that’s healthy for me. I’m much healthier in many ways and much more in control of my life than I was pre-benzo.

 

Now, I’m not sharing this following update to cause fear; I’m just giving my final update. For 4 years I’ve felt hung over and have had a blurry R eye. My tinnitus is absolutely horrible; it often makes me cry.  My cognition is terrible.  Stress brings about waves but they’re temporary. I have PTSD.  I’m sleeping well, though!  My anxiety sometimes ramps up to the point when I think I should call a doc and get an Rx, but then I tell myself, “You are not taking another drug so just deal with it. You have no choice!” (This thought, combined with intensive Deep Breathing and Tai Chi, gets me “off the ledge” every time! ) For 25 years I was told only drugs could manage my “conditions”.  I’m not on drugs any more and I manage just fine! If this ain’t success, then I don’t know what is!

 

The experiences I’ve shared with so many here have at times been both heartbreaking and encouraging. But after 4 yeas here, my support system and most of those I’ve supported have moved on.

 

And so must I. I’m living life to the fullest, managing my “conditions” without drugs. My marriage miraculously survived. I accept that my life -and brain- are different than what I had 4 years ago. I’m accommodating the grief over who I used to be, whom and what I’ve lost and accepting who I am and what I have today.

 

So that’s it. No more checking the calendar, taking a morning inventory of symptoms or helping others walk down this road. To do any of this is to perpetuate my PTSD.  I’ve reached the end of the road.

 

This Warrior has won!

 

You have to trust that you, too, will someday find yourself at the end of your road. (I reckon you’ll do it a lot sooner than I did!) 4 years ago I didn’t think I’d even be alive today, so I know what I’m talking about. You will do it. You WILL succeed.

 

Because you never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have.

 

Trust me on this.

 

All the best to you – keep fighting the good fight!

 

With much love and gratitude,

 

ginger1222

 

 

 

PS - I will continue to get email notifications of PMs so if you want to contact me, send me a PM.

 

Thank you for sharing and for being honest, Ginger. I really admire your attitude. I'm learning some acceptance of what is, as well.

 

I hope you have a beautiful life!

Flip

Hi Ginger,

 

I really resonate with what you say, and although at almost a year off xanax and much better than a few months ago, I've come to realize that this could be a multi-year process.  I've accepted that as much as one can.  And I do not think of myself as a "victim."

 

I've also found a spiritual path, which I won't go into here except to say it's rooted in Zen Buddhism and has helped me enormously in accepting what is happening now.  Your story is very inspiring, and I wish you well!

 

Ginger - you are indeed a warrior...thank you for your story...you have fought a good fight and I know that more healing is coming your way....go and live your life and thank you for being here and being supportive to many of us.  Best of luck to you in everything.

Love Hoping2BFree

Ginger..hallelujah..and Godspeed..may my PAWS journey be sooner...entering my second year benzofree...

If you have been following Noolie and my attempts to create a BEYOND BENZO BOARD on BB, I would appreciate your input. 

 

blessings, New Life

Congrats! You had a rapid taper off two benzos it looks like, one used for many years, so I would expect that you will continue healing. I can't wait until I don't have to keep a daily log  best in putting this all behind you and moving forward fill speed 

 

Dear Ginger,

 

Thank you for your update and the encouragement you have left for us.  It means a lot.  I thank you, too, for all that you have shared with me during my 2 1/2 years here on BB.  I still remember bits of advise that you gave me when I first started my taper and how much they helped.  KP and I still do the EFT you told me about!  You have been a faithful friend to me and many others here.

 

I am excited to see where your life will go from here!  Thank you for leaving your PM box open so we can be in touch with you from time to time to see how and what you are up to as our time in this journey goes along.  My PM box will stay open, too.  I am glad to think you are not really gone out of my life beyond being in touch.  I care about you, Friend.

 

I can't write what is in my heart today.  So I will just say "Pretty Blonde Lady, you have a wonderful life... I wish you all the sweetness your heart can hold."  - and keep growing those geraniums!  lol  I will be thinking of you when I see mine!

 

Much Love and many gentle "Hugz",

♥

Lily

Ginger,

Strangely I stopped in BB for the first time in maybe 6 months tonight...and saw your post. I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you and I'm pretty sure we 'jumped' around the same time - for me it was thanksgiving, '09. The last I remember, you were sleeping only 4 hours or so a night, and having some manic-ish episodes..so it's sound like things have continued to get better for you - (as they have for me; I think I'm pretty much back to normal for the last year, year and a half, more or less) - I wish you  the best, and continued healing. Though sorry to see one of the old timers go....

Bill

Hi Ginger.  As you know, I'm not around forum anymore either, except for the very occasional pop in, I've moved on as well.  You, Bill, me and a few others from 2009 wrapping things up here, eh?  Kind of strange to be thought of as an oldtimer but I guess it's been some years since we  first posted here at BB!  I was very happy to read that you're up to six hours of sleep.  Sleep really does heal so don't be surprised if you notice more CNS healing.  I started this journey back in 2008 with insomnia and issues with stress management/anxiety.  Although sleep was dramatically better at a year post benzo, there is no doubt that at 3 years, it is even better.  And when it's not on some occasions like when I am flying across time zones, I can deal with it better.  I recall that you like to travel too.  And like you, I've worked on mindfulness and acceptance, two things which have made a huge difference in my final healing, that last 5-15% of symptoms that lingered in the 2nd year and part of year 3.  I agree with you  that alcohol consumed too early in the healing process, delayed the CNS from fully coming back sooner.  We've discussed this through the years.  Also had shingles five weeks post benzo, which complicated CNS healing a bit too.  Everyone has their unique history, perhaps history of taking other medications, "diagnoses" or labels... to deal with.  Sometimes healing takes longer for legitimate reasons.  My two cents for others who are reading this is to stay off the alcohol for a minimum of six months to one year post benzo, preferably the latter.  A very good book on  trauma, by the way,  is "Finding Life Beyond Trauma" by Victoria Follette.

 

Anyway G, hope you find some joy in your life away from BB.  It's a relief to not be thinking about benzos anymore, eh?  I used to joke that I had a secondary addiction to the benzo forum .  I think stepping away can be another phase of healing and taking responsibility for one's life.  No need to perenially blame doctors mistakes, medications, past conditions... anymore (things I did that a bit in that first year off, especially when setbacks came). Acceptance really is the ultimate liberator.  Getting out and doing things that are important and joyful, despite an occasional symptom builds strength and enables one to stop hanging on to excuses for not living life to the fullest.  There is no perfect state of health so waiting around for complete healing is silly.  It's a process and sometimes takes longer than one expected.  Hope some of those remaining symptoms continue to diminish as did the insomnia, G.  You've done it your way and have come out with a lot of wisdom.  And you have helped many through some rough times.

 

Take care G,

 

 

V

Ginger

several people have suggested I read some Success Stories. You are my first and thank you for your honesty. Its plain you went thru a very bad time. You are so lucky that you are married...and it sounds like you are happy with that. I am nearly totally alone, having pushed everyone away over the years. I only have one close friend and he is a bi-polar with some schiizoid stuff also. He does care but doesnt even comprehend all the time. I am grate ful to have him, tho.

    I hope you continue on in your healing journey. You seem to have a good, positive attitude. God bless..

TO ALL OF YOU My heartfelt thanks for a bon voyage - I wish you safe passage down the road as well.

 

eastcoast, I might have had a spouse but I really was totally alone aside from my BFF on the other end of the phone. If you can, see about getting a counselor (not a shrink!!) - an LCSW will help you hold on and keep things in the right perspective.  You're lucky to have your friend but having a paid professional on your side would probably help you. Mine kept me sane.

 

YES of course I remember you Bill!  And V, Lily, newlife, hoping: I'm grateful for the time we shared as well. Time will eventually loosen the bond we have but please know you each helped heal my heart in a way; and healing my heart was much more important than healing my CNS (and clearly easier!).

 

lily your kitty is so sweet!!  A special  back atcha. I fed my geraniums yesterday and thought of you of course!

 

Be well, all of you...

 

 

g

There is no perfect state of health so waiting around for complete healing is silly.

 

I am sorry but I find this a blanket statement.

 

I have read of others who have said they have healed 100%.

 

Statements like this actually cause more harm than good on a support forum, if we do not heal then why the hell would we be trying?

 

Oscar

 

 

There is no perfect state of health so waiting around for complete healing is silly.

 

I am sorry but I find this a blanket statement.

 

I have read of others who have said they have healed 100%.

 

Statements like this actually cause more harm than good on a support forum, if we do not heal then why the hell would we be trying?

 

Oscar

 

Complete healing may come but waiting for it and not living one's life can be paradoxical.

 

Best wishes,

 

V

Oscar,

 

This is my success story and it's not open to argument or criticism. I speak the truth about MY experience and what success means to ME. And it has nothing to do with "complete healing". It has to do with acceptance and moving on.   

 

Besides, where I am at 4 years out is not where you are now, so it's irrelevant to your own progress. 

 

Please reread my post for what it says, and not between the lines. If you want to argue Vertigo's post then please do so on his thread.  This is not the place.

 

 

peace,

 

ginger

 

 

Hi ginger,

 

I have never met you, but I sincerely want to wish you the very best of everything as you move forward with your life.

 

pj

This is Beautiful Ginger. I think Mindfulness and Acceptance of What Is is Golden. I know reading your Success Story brought me a great deal of Peace just being comfortable with what is at the moment. I think that when one does this the Mysterious Powers of Healing can work much more efficiently and unencumbered.

 

 

Peace, and Joy and Love and Light to you this day and everyday!

 

Mtnhigh/Carlos

Because you never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have.

 

How very true, and especially when spoken by someone who has experienced it. Thank you for sharing your success story!

pj, carlos & torm - thanks. All the best to you too!

All the best to you, ginger.  It was a privilege knowing you through your posts.  Live your life to the fullest and best wishes in all your endeavors.

 

Patty  xo

So happy for you Ginger !!!

I will miss you.

Dear Ginger,

thank you for taking the time to write your story again. I am relatively new here and your experience does add to my understanding of benzos.

Tai Chi is now on my to do list.

Much love,

Sun

Hi Ginger,

 

Congratulations on moving on! I completely understand. Completely. The strength we find within ourselves to pull us through this is amazing. It takes us through things we never thought we could/would survive, much less come out on the other side even stronger.

 

It's been 5 years, 3 months for me. I didn't do an update because I really didn't know what I wanted to say, but you said it so well so thank you!

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your BFF, sometimes friends are causalities of this war. But you have won, you've survived, but not without scars. Life will continue to improve, you will find a new you, and the scars will fade with time.

 

Wishing you the very best life has to offer. 

 

tropicalsoul

 

 

sunny & tropical - thank you for the best wishes. Let me know how you're doing from time to time, OK?

 

patty I think about you often and hope you've been well! Please PM me when you get a chance.

 

sundowner, enjoy the tai chi!  I was doing it for years before going thru w/d but there's a lot of research that points to it as being a top coping mechanism for w/d.  I started going to another school a month before I started my "taper" in anticipation of a rough ride. I'm glad I did!

 

g

 

Ginger,

Thanks for all the support you have given me and I wish nothing but the best in your future.

Hugs

Kristin

You're welcome, girl, and thank you for your support, too.

Be well!

g