Valthinking TOO MUCH, learning calmness

I've tapered from 1 mg. of Clonazepam to nothing. The first .5 mg was a cakewalk because I'd only taken both .5 mg pills a few nights. The last .5 mg tablet was the opposite. I dropped a quarter of a pill at the Mayo Clinic's recommendation and suffered mightily. But after two weeks I felt up for more. I dropped to half of a .5 mg pill. I was going to kill this thing. Two night later I flipped over in bed from one side to the other and the whole room revolved on it's axis. Seriously.

I sat bolt upright in bed and tried to focus on something to stop the spinning. Twice I tried to find something to stare at until I realized that my eyes were twitching from side to side. I couldn't stop them. (Now I know it's called something like nystagmus.) I held on to everything I could to get out of bed and feel my way to the bathroom. By the time I got there, the dizziness had subsided and my eyesight was back to normal. That experience showed me just how powerful a medicine Clonazepam is. Nothing to mess around with.

I tapered for months and months in order to avoid trashing myself. I had already gone through a tough withdrawal from Mirapex, which left me with rotten sleep for eighteen months. My neurologist prescribed the kitchen sink for me. Gabapentin, Pregabalin, Horizant, Tramadol, Alprazolam, Clonazepam and so much more! I'd go on a few and then off. On a few more and then off. I never felt good, but who would with all these drugs messing with their brain and Central Nervous System? I never knew what was giving me the pip. Little did I know, all the symptoms troubling me during that time weren't because of the plethora of meds, a bad diet (too many bad carbs, sugar or processed foods,) or a bad antidepressant (I have a drawer of fails,) or a result of too many sleepless months (which was my neurologist's diagnosis).

It was a slow, grueling slog through the bleak landscape of benzo withdrawal.

My skin, burning from the inside out. Sudden anxiety, stabbing my heart with fear, coloring my thoughts dark gray. I became a hand-wringer. I didn't take Clonazepam for anxiety; I was prescribed it as a sleep aid. I learned a new anxiety throughout withdrawal and have a new respect and empathy for my brother, sister and son, who have each suffered from anxiety attacks.

Nevertheless, it's good to know your enemy. When I didn't know, my anxiety would slide all over the place, because anything could have been the culprit. To know it was the Clonazepam provides a measure of peace in the midst of the madness.

I took 90 days to slowly chip that pill away with my trusty jeweler's scale. Chip, chip, chip, weigh. Over and over. The neurologist couldn't believe such a small amount was doing anything. May he never go on what he prescribes. May he never go through this. When I got to .014 grams on the jeweler's scale, Iwatied two weeks and then jumped. I had absolutely NO idea what I was in for. I just couldn't fathom the blasts of anxiety that would come sweeping in, filling my mind with fear, my heart with such turbulence and my skin with fire. I couldn't sit, didn't want to eat, couldn't bear to be alone, couldn't bear to be with people, couldn't bear to be me.

Finding this website was the first step into reality. I'm a slow study, but I've got it now. It was recommended that I keep a diary of the days, so I could see progress. YES!! It helped. I jumped off the Clonazepam bus on August 30th. Today, I noticed that at 3:00 pm every day my symptoms come blazing in, but every so slightly less, each day. this morning I realized that I felt good for two hours. You now, that warm easy feeling, when your body is relaxed and inwardly, you're kind of smiling? Haven't had that in MONTHS. Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. More, please!! 

Your last sentence brought back memories of how I felt when I fully recovered, you describe it perfectly. "You now, that warm easy feeling, when your body is relaxed and inwardly, you're kind of smiling?" 

You've had a rough road but what amazes me is you've had to do this alone, you've had to connect all of the dots with no help from those who are supposed to know and you're coming out whole.  The fact that you can sense slight improvement is huge because its so hard to see when you're being bombarded by the negative thoughts this process produces.

I love your can do attitude, you make me believe YOU CAN and YOU WILL! 

Finding this website was the first step into reality. I'm a slow study, but I've got it now. It was recommended that I keep a diary of the days, so I could see progress. YES!! It helped. I jumped off the Clonazepam bus on August 30th. Today, I noticed that at 3:00 pm every day my symptoms come blazing in, but every so slightly less, each day. this morning I realized that I felt good for two hours. You now, that warm easy feeling, when your body is relaxed and inwardly, you're kind of smiling? Haven't had that in MONTHS. Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. More, please!! 

I took heart from reading your post, great to hear! Especially helpful was this section above, just as it approaches 3pm for me and my symptoms start to peak...it's easy to lose heart at this point and forget that most of the day so far was spent without too much bother from symptoms, which is definitely an improvement. Something to be thankful for...still, as you say, 'more please!!'