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Hello I'll try to be honest with you and write as much as i remember. I’ve  been a member few years ago under a different name here, even wrote success story but that was far from truth, i thought weed was helping me at the time  but that wasnt true at all. I came here for support mainly and to try explain my situation, which i think is terrible. It started with Xanax prescription and some Antidepressant i dont remember in summer of 2011. I refused to believe in his diagnosis which was mixed anxiety-depression disorder. and was kind of mad at my family cause they took me to doctors. I was 18 at the time. I'm sure if i didn't go there everything would be different and leave on its own. I dont like write much about this because it triggers my thoughts. After That i soon started self medicating first with xanax if i remember well, as needed, took it like i needed it, when i needed it. Then i ordered Ritalin in first months of 2012 over the internet, till that period I still didnt have many problems or i think so. 2012 was like a turning point in summer. I tried to still find what could help me best, from Concerta, same as Ritalin, but not really same, completely different, again self medicating, i believe i even asked for that alone, thats it for that prescription, right because ritalin helped me with concetracion at the time. started smoking also at the same period of time, again concetracion, something because of that. As time went I started more and more to change into completely opposite person I am. I forgot to add  turning point , was still in high school and last day at celebrations or prom what you call it, took 1 or 2 tabs of xanax all in once and drank alcohol with it that night, to this day i dont remember what happened exactly, friends recorded me, i didnt know where i was, i was mad at them, real friends for sure like many of them.. That was all during that period, at the end of 2012  some dr prescribed me Rivotril, and that was my main problem. Before rivotril I was ordering again from internet, searching even vicodin and opiates, benzodiazepines, from various sites, still im not sure what was going on with me. Even try to lie to doctors I'm in paint and everything to try to get Vicodin or Oxycodone, now when i look at it, can't believe. Statred drinking also, going to city more openly, no limits at all. At first with this rivotril i was better sociallly, maybe more confident more energetic in terms of behaviour, weird reaction. All time i would search for different drugs on the internet, what a sickness, what a mess. I lost inhibiton little by little i chose my own dosages becase small dosages didnt help me at all i had to take always double dose or if i remember he sad 0.5 of rivotril i tried 2mg, trying to order again ritalin cause it helped me in school, i though i had concetracion problems but that was  all anxiety. In summer 2013 i was abusing all kinds of benzos, buying them and abusing for few months daily, smoked weed, drinking. it felt like i always needed much bigger dosages and thus started to heavily abuse, was it all just in my mind that i need twice or more bigger? I got in relationship with this girl at the end of that year, 2014 and onwards was waaay even worse. Abuse of everything, drugs even weed combined with alcohol, pills, i was extreme mess and had no control at all. I remember when I went to see this girl first time, she was from another city, I needed to smoke weed, drink and take benzos, ambien to be able to do that, what the hell was that all? One friend, former and I abused Ambien, it gave us hallucinations, its the only drug gave me hallucinations and gave me confidence, but i had to take soon much more and it didnt have any effect. I was addicted to rivotril i figured out later why was that. You would think I was dependant on Sanval or Amben also or any other drug that i mentioned but not, my only addiction was Rivotril, I'm not sure now on that period when i heavily abused all sort of them for few months was i dependant on all of them? What a distaster. In 2014, 9th month I went to psychiatry, my parents thought that would help me to get clean, when I returned, thats when even worse, true hell started. I was on 14 tablets or so, I was taking what he prescriped, what other doctors prescribed, I didnt't know what I was doing,  for years I wasn't aware of myself, changed personality completely. I was still with this girl, she loved me, but she was a mess also, I had a car at the time, wasn't working, periodically but nothing like a real job, worked with my father and older brother a little, but left soon, came back briefly in 2015, left again. Between 2014-2016 I tried Speed, Ecstasy, had thoughts about heroin, trying heroin, still have them, those were one of my first intrusive thoughts, I didn't know at the time. Smoked weed, but wasn't dependent on any on them. Got into problems with dealers, they tried to take money from me, selling fake cocaine or whatever. In Summer 2015 I went to Germany, mixing everything, can't even mention any more anyway doctor there told problem wasnt in pills. When I returned I quit CT all and everything i took, except Rivotril, I knew I was addicted to it. Soon started tolerance withdrawal all withdrawal, 2016 was bad that was beggining took Speed, had numbmness in my left side I thought I was paralyzed, but I wanted to change, I wanted to stop everything. In 2016 i broke up with that girl, couldnt handle that anymore, was too toxic for me. I got rid of that dealers, anyway still I wasn't clean but tried, was lost still on so many levels, smoking weed. Anyway to cut story had one more Ct from doctors when I went againt to psychiatry and then I finally went to Germany, my family send me there and in the city which was full of Drug addicts, junkies. I was at rock bottom, but I wasn't junkie. Anyway I finally CT in 7th month 2016 from Rivotril 8 or 10 mg at the time and Lamictal. Had one of the worst withdrawals ever. Couldnt walk, get up first few months, still didn't go to the hospital. Criminals, doctors. I was in Germany frist 8, 9 months far from home, my family is dysfuntcional. I survived there another torture, woman I was with at the time was crazy. I survived even that, I went home and this withdrawal kept going pretty much the same, non stop 24/7 torture first 20 months, then I tried cannabis oild in 3rd months 2018, developed even bigger problems, started drinking beer in 7th months, againt without control for 5, 6 months, do I count that as a withdrawall still or what? I ended up in psychiatry again at the end of 2018, at 2.5 years out but I was drinking and used oil before, does it count? Anyway they put me on Valium(Apaurin here) and some antypsychotic. When I got there he said I have acute psychosis, I had severe intrusive thoughts amongst other sxs because I drank...

Again I tried to get off, was so dissappointed, I quit again CT first AP then Apaurin, took that maybe 2, 3 months, got off ct 20 Mgs or more, 25. I survived somehow and went on like that for 5, 6 more months more, things just went worse, extreme DP and everything other, couldnt sleep and I had no choice but to go to doctor in 9tj month 2019, she prescribed me some andidepressant and Apaurin again, I took that for 2, 3 months, was smoking weed also, i wont write much about this period cause I dont want.

In 2020 I was heavily medicated, was in psychaitry again, again on medications, it was even worse when I was self medicating, doctors changed every 15, 20 days prescriptions and that lasted a year. I was at my worst, another rock bottom at that that.

I got off everything again in 2021, in the begining.

All in all im 6 years out or so since first withdrawal, i struggle with hope for my healing because im so protracted and lost case i think im truly worst case. in terms of my abuse of medications and drugs, many many withdrawals and everything.  Lost every friend and family also, they don't understand anything of this i try to understand to them what is going on, but Iappear a victim and lunatic everytime, and when i go to anger they just all go away, they all blame it on me, i dont trust them anything, have terrible intrusive thoughts, feel totaly lost with them like im not aware or something cant cope with them of intensity i guess.

I don't expect anything no more, I just dont care and just want to adopt that mentality because i only know suffer and pain, im tired of hearing i'm victim i play victim and everything else, i feel like nobody is on my side and feel so lonely, have severe monopohobia... Nothing changes from day to day right now, in 2021 I was better or i think so for couple of months. then it came back last year again.. right now, im so dissapointed,

Forgot to say i had anxiety before i got sick at 13 years old, first few years i didnt even know, but i dont care anymore, anyway i didnt wanna go to doctor, and when i got there he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and i didn't believe him, couldnt accept that or what, that i was sick, that is what i tink it was but i honestly dont care and dont remember anymore, it led me to self medicating and heavy use and polydrug and everything. Anyway, hope to find maybe some support here, maybe not. Doesn't matter.

 

Sorry for this long post, I really needed to be honest as I could.

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Hello NotImportant, welcome back to BenzoBuddies,

 

You've had a terrible journey and I can see you've suffered and are suffering a lot but it's wonderful to know you've stopped the drugs, that's a great accomplishment.  If you've only been drug free since 2021 its quite possible you're still recovering and will continue to as time goes on.  Do you record your symptoms and their severity so you can see your progress on paper?  I neglected to do this when I quit and my poor sick brain could never let me acknowledge I was getting better even though I was.

 

I hope we can help you feel less alone and understood, you might want to post on the Post-withdrawal Recovery Support to get the support you need.

 

Pamster

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Hello NotImportant, welcome back to BenzoBuddies,

 

You've had a terrible journey and I can see you've suffered and are suffering a lot but it's wonderful to know you've stopped the drugs, that's a great accomplishment.  If you've only been drug free since 2021 its quite possible you're still recovering and will continue to as time goes on.  Do you record your symptoms and their severity so you can see your progress on paper?  I neglected to do this when I quit and my poor sick brain could never let me acknowledge I was getting better even though I was.

 

I hope we can help you feel less alone and understood, you might want to post on the Post-withdrawal Recovery Support to get the support you need.

 

Pamster

 

Thank you Pamster very much for everything. I did actually today wrote them down first time. Was too neglecting it. I was better two months ago, self confidence, like a window or better I dont know, now again  I am terrible, wave or what? I can't even talk about it triggers me so much how to deal with it? Worse than ever few days ago..and nothing seems to change.

What i wrote down today: intrusive thoughts my worst symptom(very severe), fear of height, thinking I will never recover, monophobia(also very severe), fear of symptoms, mentioning sxs, reading about them, irritation(around family and other people, fear of writing it as anger(or being mad), thoughts get crazy when I say it more directly...extreme isolation and loneliness, really i have nobody, no life built, soon 29 years old and ive lost everything.

I also quit nicotine, i dont see any benefit from it at the moment, only worse anxiety and anger maybe? I have always these thoughts which tell me what to do, intrusive thoughts also?

My symptoms are all very intense, 24/7 I'd say and they are always the same, always the same, every day same more or less, this is truly real torture.

I'm possibly the worst case? Or these thoughts say so, I have a fear of writing in detail more about what im going through and don't wanna mention it.

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The drug makes us think in worst case scenario's, no joy or love, only negativity and pain, its excruciating I know.  Have you seen this thread, it talks about the lies benzo's tell us, you might recognize some of them.  Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

 

I'm glad you're writing your symptoms down, be sure to number them in relation to their severity, wouldn't it be wonderful to see in writing that they're lessening?  This seems to be the only way we can tell because we're so overwhelmed by them all.

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I didn't know that, thank you, it was so reassuring to read this morning, until i had I fight with my dad, my family, they just throw and put me in anger, this is all unbeliavable still. Maybe of nicotine withdrawal this anger is intensified?

Thank you very much Pamster I will look at the thread more today I apologise if I sound mad right now I need to calm down.

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I know nicotine is a powerful substance and stopping that while going through this is major, typically we suggest not making changes because we're so sensitive but it's good you recognize that it may be playing a part in how you're feeling.

 

 

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Yes, I see my anxiety didn't improve because of stopping yet. Then I don't see so many positives about that.

This monophobia is pretty bad and severe I start breathing fast, other symptoms got worse because of that, can't do much to distract myself, surviving like always, barely. I hope someday this ends or gets to manageable level so I can try to build some kind of life.

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You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didnt, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

 

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

 

You can do this!

 

Magrita :smitten:

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You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didnt, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

 

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

 

You can do this!

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Thank you for kind words and support. I hope it will, I was better for a few months last year, really better, then I started to drink coffee, eat sugar, icecream,  and some pizza food or kind of junk food, what a terrible mistake, and was so disciplined in it till then. Like I forgot what I went through, and last Sept ovestimulated myself physically too much with helping my brother. That is maybe main reason? After that hell again, same like before, or what?Yet nobody understands and we have little support. Could this be reason for my symptoms and setback or maybe not.

Again, thank you very much for kindndess, encouragment and support.  :smitten:

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I'll try to explain more, these thoughts now tell me to write this, do something then keep telling me it's because they said so I did it, am I going crazy, they even know to say mean things..pychosis? why they talk, then sex thoughts all the time, about women non-stop and you can't really distinct its real, i fear of psychosis or if I had it before, everything I had before I kind of fear now, anyway they pursue me to write this so that they could attack me more. I know how crazy this sounds, but these intrusive thoughts are worst, I really can't see clearly the outside world.

I have severely bad monophobia and along with intrusive thoughts I think my worst symptoms. I figured I still have a lot of symptoms, they are all bad.

I Never had problems being on my own and alone even during this withdrawal, now total disaster. Can't breathe, everything worsens more of the sxs and can't distract myself, panic, fear, does anyone had this?

I'm sorry if this post looks out of blue now..and confused but I am really confused.

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You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didn't, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

 

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

 

You can do this!

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Thank you for kind words and support. I hope it will, I was better for a few months last year, really better, then I started to drink coffee, eat sugar, icecream,  and some pizza food or kind of junk food, what a terrible mistake, and was so disciplined in it till then. Like I forgot what I went through, and last Sept ovestimulated myself physically too much with helping my brother. That is maybe main reason? After that hell again, same like before, or what?Yet nobody understands and we have little support. Could this be reason for my symptoms and setback or maybe not.

Again, thank you very much for kindndess, encouragment and support.  :smitten:

 

It sounds like you could be overdoing things,  its such a nice thing you are doing helping your brother.  Doing too much can bring on stress and you are not ready to deal with stress.  You should take care of yourself first, then you will be strong enough to help others.  Junk food is not good for anyone, and caffeine and sugar are better avoided for a good while longer, try and eat as healthy as you possibly can. 

 

You mentioned intrusive thoughts in one of your posts.  Don't listen to the voices...I had this too!  try and ignore them...put your headphones on and listen to music!  These thoughts are not real and they will go at some point, in the meantime try and ignore them.

 

Please remind yourself that what you are suffering now is not permanent..its temporary!.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and exist until things get easier....you can do this...life will get better, believe me!

 

Magrita :hug:

 

 

 

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Yes I did, I overdid things, I wasn't careful and now in bad situation again. I'll try to go easy as I can. Thanks for nice words, good to know you too had also these thoughts, voices.  I avoid everything now for some time, I have to. All very nice advices and you have great approach, I'll try.  :)
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Another same day, pretty much, No change, I'm frustrated.

Everything is always the same, I don't get it if I was better for few months, what happened? Out of nothing or I did something to cause it.

Anyway, nothing much to say.

 

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You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didn't, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

 

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

 

You can do this!

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Thank you for kind words and support. I hope it will, I was better for a few months last year, really better, then I started to drink coffee, eat sugar, icecream,  and some pizza food or kind of junk food, what a terrible mistake, and was so disciplined in it till then. Like I forgot what I went through, and last Sept ovestimulated myself physically too much with helping my brother. That is maybe main reason? After that hell again, same like before, or what?Yet nobody understands and we have little support. Could this be reason for my symptoms and setback or maybe not.

Again, thank you very much for kindndess, encouragment and support.  :smitten:

 

It sounds like you could be overdoing things,  its such a nice thing you are doing helping your brother.  Doing too much can bring on stress and you are not ready to deal with stress.  You should take care of yourself first, then you will be strong enough to help others.  Junk food is not good for anyone, and caffeine and sugar are better avoided for a good while longer, try and eat as healthy as you possibly can. 

 

You mentioned intrusive thoughts in one of your posts.  Don't listen to the voices...I had this too!  try and ignore them...put your headphones on and listen to music!  These thoughts are not real and they will go at some point, in the meantime try and ignore them.

Please remind yourself that what you are suffering now is not permanent..its temporary!.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and exist until things get easier....you can do this...life will get better, believe me!

 

Magrita :hug:

 

I just realised I've been eating pizza for a month or more, I've been eating it almost every day could that be a reason or is it just a lie from this drug?

I've been eating also toast in the morning, sandwiches and sometimes home-made pomfrit, but that was before. Not really healthy especially now, maybe all this has some effect, maybe I'm just hoping it is.

This could be permanent easily for some? I've had a window for a month maybe but now starting to doubt it. I shouldn't stop smoking, I'm just doing worse to myself.

 

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You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didn't, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

 

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

 

You can do this!

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Thank you for kind words and support. I hope it will, I was better for a few months last year, really better, then I started to drink coffee, eat sugar, icecream,  and some pizza food or kind of junk food, what a terrible mistake, and was so disciplined in it till then. Like I forgot what I went through, and last Sept ovestimulated myself physically too much with helping my brother. That is maybe main reason? After that hell again, same like before, or what?Yet nobody understands and we have little support. Could this be reason for my symptoms and setback or maybe not.

Again, thank you very much for kindndess, encouragment and support.  :smitten:

 

It sounds like you could be overdoing things,  its such a nice thing you are doing helping your brother.  Doing too much can bring on stress and you are not ready to deal with stress.  You should take care of yourself first, then you will be strong enough to help others.  Junk food is not good for anyone, and caffeine and sugar are better avoided for a good while longer, try and eat as healthy as you possibly can. 

 

You mentioned intrusive thoughts in one of your posts.  Don't listen to the voices...I had this too!  try and ignore them...put your headphones on and listen to music!  These thoughts are not real and they will go at some point, in the meantime try and ignore them.

Please remind yourself that what you are suffering now is not permanent..its temporary!.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and exist until things get easier....you can do this...life will get better, believe me!

 

Magrita :hug:

 

I just realised I've been eating pizza for a month or more, I've been eating it almost every day could that be a reason or is it just a lie from this drug?

I've been eating also toast in the morning, sandwiches and sometimes home-made pomfrit, but that was before. Not really healthy especially now, maybe all this has some effect, maybe I'm just hoping it is.

This could be permanent easily for some? I've had a window for a month maybe but now starting to doubt it. I shouldn't stop smoking, I'm just doing worse to myself.

 

It could be nothing has caused this, unfortunately waves and setbacks can come for no good reason,just part of the recovery process.  You should be proud of yourself for quitting smoking as well as benzos!    I stopped smoking in withdrawal, I figured I might as well suffer both benzo and nicotine withdrawal together...It was tough but worth all the suffering to be free from both!.  Try and take care of yourself, eat some healthy meals if you can, I know that's not always possible. 

 

The windows can come and go  until one day it will stay for good, I hope that's soon! 

 

Recovery Tips

 

https://www.psychmedaware.org/recovery_tips.html

 

Magrita :smitten:

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You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didn't, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

 

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

 

You can do this!

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Thank you for kind words and support. I hope it will, I was better for a few months last year, really better, then I started to drink coffee, eat sugar, icecream,  and some pizza food or kind of junk food, what a terrible mistake, and was so disciplined in it till then. Like I forgot what I went through, and last Sept ovestimulated myself physically too much with helping my brother. That is maybe main reason? After that hell again, same like before, or what?Yet nobody understands and we have little support. Could this be reason for my symptoms and setback or maybe not.

Again, thank you very much for kindndess, encouragment and support.  :smitten:

 

It sounds like you could be overdoing things,  its such a nice thing you are doing helping your brother.  Doing too much can bring on stress and you are not ready to deal with stress.  You should take care of yourself first, then you will be strong enough to help others.  Junk food is not good for anyone, and caffeine and sugar are better avoided for a good while longer, try and eat as healthy as you possibly can. 

 

You mentioned intrusive thoughts in one of your posts.  Don't listen to the voices...I had this too!  try and ignore them...put your headphones on and listen to music!  These thoughts are not real and they will go at some point, in the meantime try and ignore them.

Please remind yourself that what you are suffering now is not permanent..its temporary!.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and exist until things get easier....you can do this...life will get better, believe me!

 

Magrita :hug:

 

I just realised I've been eating pizza for a month or more, I've been eating it almost every day could that be a reason or is it just a lie from this drug?

I've been eating also toast in the morning, sandwiches and sometimes home-made pomfrit, but that was before. Not really healthy especially now, maybe all this has some effect, maybe I'm just hoping it is.

This could be permanent easily for some? I've had a window for a month maybe but now starting to doubt it. I shouldn't stop smoking, I'm just doing worse to myself.

 

It could be nothing has caused this, unfortunately waves and setbacks can come for no good reason,just part of the recovery process.  You should be proud of yourself for quitting smoking as well as benzos!    I stopped smoking in withdrawal, I figured I might as well suffer both benzo and nicotine withdrawal together...It was tough but worth all the suffering to be free from both!.  Try and take care of yourself, eat some healthy meals if you can, I know that's not always possible. 

 

The windows can come and go  until one day it will stay for good, I hope that's soon! 

 

Recovery Tips

 

https://www.psychmedaware.org/recovery_tips.html

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Hi Magrita, you're right there could be nothing that caused it, I just really see nothing else except that everyday everything is the same, I am proud of myself but difficult to recognize that, pain is terrible, I hope there will be benefit from stopping smoking. Congratulations  to you  for quitting smoking, you should be proud of yourself, not many people can do that. How long did wd took for you I mean nicotine?

This is a great link, it helped me tremendously, I didn't know that information. Though I don't like that picture at all.

These thoughts I've been writing about are just thoughts, nothing else. I'm glad.

Thank you very much for support and everything. :smitten:

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This is really horrible experience and process and who ever get through this deserves all the best in every aspect of life. It's hardest thing to do.
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How do you deal with these feelings and symptoms that everything is always the same?

To me it seems this has no logic at all.

 

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Hi NotImportant,

 

Could you add your medication history into your signature so everyone can see at a glance what's going on?  It makes it easier to offer suggestions if we don't have to go back and review all of your previous posts.  Here are the instructions, if you need help you can put your information here using 750 characters and a team member can input it for you.  Add your history/signature 

 

Thanks,

 

Pamster

 

 

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Hi NotImportant,

 

Could you add your medication history into your signature so everyone can see at a glance what's going on?  It makes it easier to offer suggestions if we don't have to go back and review all of your previous posts.  Here are the instructions, if you need help you can put your information here using 750 characters and a team member can input it for you.  Add your history/signature 

 

Thanks,

 

Pamster

 

Hi Pam I will try it will be hard to go in detail, I heavily abused everything.

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Your other drug use doesn't have to go into great detail but it would be good to know about your benzo use.
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Your other drug use doesn't have to go into great detail but it would be good to know about your benzo use.

 

Well I tried, maybe you could help me with something if it's not good or somebody from the team.

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Thank you, your signature looks great.  You've been benzo free since 2021, what month?

Thank you Pam, first month.

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