Whoever the heck is Albie1 is 30+ months Benzo Free!

Hey Buddies,

 

I imagine most of the people reading this have never read any of my posts, because they go back a ways.

 

But, nonetheless, I felt it was about time I posted a Benzo-free celebration story. Not because life is perfect but because I believe I have successfully completely conquered the hell that is benzo withdrawal and recovery and lived to come out the other side clean.

 

For those who don't know me, I was dabbling with benzos and Ambien when I sustained some hard times, including a significant back injury, dog dieing, mom dieing and wife undergoing emergency brain surgery following by emergency ovarian tumor surgery all within a year. My use of pills skyrocketed. And so did my back pain. I underwent a spinal nerve ablation, which was torturous and basically couldn't walk more than a few feet for months. I became thoroughly addicted to Vicodin (and other opiates), Paxil (and other antidepressants), Robaxin and (other muscle relaxers), Xanax, Valium, Klonopin (and other Benzos), Neurontin, Lyrica and more all simultaneously. I was able to beat all of those on my own, though I felt like I would was going to die. But I just got worse and worse on Ambien.

 

It got to the point where I could not sleep at all without Ambien. And eventually got to the point where I could only sleep 3 to 5 hours with 3 Ambien per night. Plus the Ambien rebound anxiety and severe daily withdrawal became so severe because of my abusive dosages combined with its short half-life that I became so agoraphobic that I needed 1 to 2 additional Ambien while I was awake just to steady my nerves enough to go to work.

 

I ended up taking a leave of absence from work and cold-turkeyed off the Ambien and remaining Vicodin while in rehab. It was horrible. They didn't know how to help me and I went a solid 7 days without a minute's sleep before I finally slept for 45 minutes. I thought that once "evolution won out" and I slept again, I would get right to sleeping 8 hours. But that wasn't to be the case, for as I now know GABA receptors take many months to heal.

 

Anyway, I experienced the usual onslaught of symptoms including severe insomnia, severe morning anxiety, intense noise sensitivity, a little paranoia, aches and pains, headaches, dental pain, chills, sweats, ice cold extremities and many more symptoms.

 

I report all of this not to scare you but to encourage you, because I had to think quite hard to even remember that list of symptoms. They are now that far removed from my everyday thought. But I will never forget what I went through and I have no cravings, no thoughts and no intentions of ever going back on any of those drugs.

 

I am a truth-teller, so I will tell you that I probably prolonged my recovery by my love of relaxing and indulging in a few glasses of wine in the evening. As you know, that affects the same GABA receptors as Benzos, and I feel I'd likely have recovered sooner if I had given that up. But the point is that I still did recover.

 

Life is not perfect, nor will it ever be, however I experience virtually none of those drug-related symptoms anymore. It took 2+ years for sleep to recover, but I have finally gone from the total inability to sleep to falling asleep within minutes and sleeping 7 to 9 hours every night.

 

Also, please note that I am just a regular guy who kept putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do the right things, until sufficient time had passed to allow me to heal. I took some solace in hearing and understanding that healing from Benzos and Z drugs is not linear. And it is not. Two steps forward and one step back, sometimes even two steps back is part of the uneven path to recovery. So please take a page of encouragement from my book and realize that if I can recover from this anybody can.

 

I have more hurdles to clear. I still have some back pain, but I'm getting better. I am still addicted to nicotine, though I quit smoking 20+ years ago. Since then it's been nicotine gum, patches, lozenges... you name it. But that's my next hurdle and I'm down 50% in 3 weeks. So wish me luck.

 

Most of all, however, you need to believe. Especially because quitting Benzos is far and away one of the most difficult things many of us will ever do, but trust me when I say you can do it, you will survive it, and most of all, you will recover and find a much better place, but you must have the faith of a child, blind faith to sustain yourself when common sense keeps telling you it's not working. The most important thing to remember is that if you can pass time benzo-free, somehow, anyhow, that no matter how bad you feel, you are healing even though a boatload of horrific symptoms is making you seriously doubt you can go on any further.

 

If you like visual metaphors, here's one that I created to help me. I just kept thinking about some scene in some movie I'd seen many years ago, where a lone person was lost in the deepest, darkest most unforbidding forest but had walked so far as to not make any sense to turn back. (That was me 3 months of so after quitting benzos). And I would picture that sad soul just putting one foot in front of the other in order to get to the other side of the woods. Yet that forelorn soul couldn't see anything but darkness in front of him, just as dark as the darkness he'd already gone though -- yet in the movie version, the cameras pan way, way out to give a helicopter view of this same sad soul where we, the audience, could see that he had already traveled about 90% of the way and that just beyond those woods was a beautifully lighted meadow where all was well. I just kept telling myself, if like that poor lost soul, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, eventually I will walk my way right out of the darkness and lo and behold it came true. I dunno... I hope that makes some sense and offers some encouragement.

 

So that's my story and I hope and pray that any and all of you who are sustaining and enduring that kind of pain, will find the strength to find your way clear of these demonic drugs and soon be adding your benzo-free celebration to the many that have preceded my own.

 

Thanks for listening and God bless.

 

Best wishes for your complete and total recovery,

 

Albie

Oh just a beautiful post all the way around. I'm sorry you experienced such loss and illness in such a short period of time. I'm so sorry you got introduced to all of those drugs at the same time. I'm only 3 weeks into kicking just X and that is so inspirational. Especially at 11pm when I know I'm not going to see sleep at least until 4 or 5 am.

  Thanks for posting this. that analogy was great too. I used to get made when someone said keep putting one foot in front of the other, like "can't you see my legs are broken" mentality. You're journey made it seem possible. Thank you

Albie.  Wow.  All I have to say is wow.  This is going in my inspiration journal.  You are such a strong soul and thank you so much for the visual. ...I absolutely love it and will carry it with me as I recover.

Hello Albie,

 

I love your Title!

 

http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n556/smrmeadow/blowing-kiss-thank-you_zpsbfd9ee77.gif for your wonderful post. I miss you so much and am very happy to hear of your success through this journey. Say, I picked my username because I thought it would be a nice place to be once we are healed and moving forward with our life. That we would all meet in a Summer Meadow for a picnic. I think now is the time.

 

http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n556/smrmeadow/picnic.gif

 

http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n556/smrmeadow/meadow.jpg

 

I am sending you my love,

Summer

Hello Albie

 

Thank you for posting It is a wonderful inspirational post, it will give hope to members who are struggling

 

Warm regards

 

Magrita http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums/aa351/margarita1959/Smilies/thanks-33.gif

Albie,

 

Truly inspirational!!

I too had been addicted to Opiates, Muscle Relaxers, Xanax and a half pint of vodka every day for way too long.

I'm only 8 months out but things are starting to get slightly better.

I know that it can be so very hard to believe they'll be brighter days in the absence of sun.

Thank you for your wonderful post! So very happy for your healing. I will remember and visualize the imagery you mentioned. mandala 

  Great success story albie1.... It touched me as I have had great loss also and am dealing with withdraw.  Looking forward to the meadow!!!  Blessings to you,  Jude

Wow, thank you for all the warm replies!

 

I really just typed that stream-of-consciousness late last night, re-read this morning and was thinking it wasn't very well written. But my own self-deprecating criticisms aside, I must tell you that twice today while reading people's replies it LITERALLY brought a tear of joy to my eyes.

 

I am SO, SO glad to even be able to give a small modicum of inspiration to all of you wonderful people, who I know are suffering so and trying to make some sense of it all.

 

I was cleaning some closet drawers today, and I came across a suicide note I had written to my wife and family about 3-1/2 years ago. It is much too painful to share the details, but I only share the fact that I came across that, to let you know that things can and will turn around 180 degrees. The key, at least for me, was to somehow continue to have faith even when faith seems totally illogical.

 

And that whole walking analogy I mentioned, I forgot the also mention that I literally walked, and walked and walked a couple of miles every morning for 2+ years. That helped too. I felt like I literally walked my way out of the darkness one step at a time.

 

Anyway, please forgive me if this all sounds a little morose, I just didn't want to candy-coat anything, and let you know that this comes from the heart from somebody who's truly been in a place as dark as that which is benzo withdrawal and recovery.

 

I recently thanked a person you may know, a wonderful person named Pamster who was a BenzoBuddies moderator who helped me through my darkest hours. I thanked her for helping me to help save a life -- my own. That is a done deal now and I am forever grateful.

 

I am not looking for any adulation, though I must say your heartfelt thanks have truly touched my heart deeply. But what I really want is that the pain and extremely difficult times I went through might occasionally help to sustain you in faith that things can and will get better. Once I began to recover, I often sustained myself with the solace that I didn't need to do anything, because I wasn't taking anything. Hence I just needed not to do anything. And, I just needed to let time pass. Please have faith for it is really truly true, as trite as it sounds, that time is the great healer. And you, too, will heal and become whole again.

 

So please, please, please don't give up on making this happen. The reason I implore you is that I was SO, SO close to giving up on life, including my wonderful wife, son and family because I thought I simply couldn't take it anymore. But, and I don't know quite how or why, time proved that I could. You totally can do this.

 

Anyway, there I go again, saying much more than is probably necessary. I just hope you understand, it's because I've been there and I care.

 

So please have faith in healing, even if you don't have faith in yourself at this moment. Time does miraculous things. And even if you're not benzo-free yet, keep fighting the good fight, tapering of getting off them however you see fit.

 

God bless and best wishes for your total recovery.

 

Sincerely,

 

Albie

  Thank you - Thank you- Thank you==  For Youuuuu 

Thank you Abbie1.

I sure needed to read such word of hope & encouragement today,

Will hold that image of the dark forest & larger view of the forest's end - in my mind & heart.

You have helped those still in the dark - to sustain.

Much gratitude & thanks for coming back & giving this post.

 

margaretisabel

 

Albie:

 

Thanks for the encouraging story.  I love the success stories.

 

I am 13 months off and while I have improved a lot, I am still so scared and disheartened by the setbacks (the lovely non-linear nature of this healing process).  Your story about the forest spoke to me.  I wish so much I could see how much more dark forest I have to trudge through before I break out and am free.  Would love to know the day that happens (May 7th, 2013 or whatever).

 

Anyway, thanks for your story.  It has been a symptomatic weekend and I have been a bit discouraged.    Your post cheered me up.

 

Warmly,

TG

Thanks so much for posting your success story Albie!!  I believe you when you say how dark it was but that you just kept walking till you got to the other side.  I'm really, really glad that you are feeling so well.  Please take very good care of yourself by protecting your newly regained health with all you've got.  Congratulations!! 

Congratulations, Albie!  I'm so proud of you. 

 

I remember when we used to chat back in 2010. It's so great to see all these old timers writing success stories. 

 

Enjoy your healthy life.  Well done! 

Albie I am soo happy for you, you and all of us are heroes, I am right behind you 10 days in my 29 months off xanax and some AD which I CT from, things are getting better with me too, still ups and downs but the downs are not as bad and the ups is brighten up little by little, we were sooooooo bad at first I agree,, and I totaly agree that time is our only chance in recovery...time and time and more time. and I agree you don't have to do anything except waiting it out and eat healthy and try to avoid any stimulants that will revive your CNS, THAT"S IT, and recovery comes to those who wait, your story is inspiring and true. hope you see more inprovments in the coming months, are you still sensetive to stuff like food for example or you passed this stage? thanks you for sharing your story

Albie-I loved reading your success story. Thank you so much for sharing that.

 

Hugs,

Tina

Soooo great to hear from you Albie - I definitely remember you and how hard things were for you.  You started a thread (which I can't remember the name) that has had many many posts on it and I would go on to post and wonder -..."but what happened to Albie?"  I am so glad to hear your story of success....I am 30 months off a Klonopin c/t and still going through it but to a much lesser degree and I am tapering my a/d  as well.  I am so happy for you that you are free of all those poisons and that you have your life back. 

    One time on one of your posts, you described the journey through the dark woods, without knowing how close the light at the end of those woods was.  A doctor I once saw asked me to "draw" my benzo world and I drew your vision with me trudging through those dark, frightening woods with the heavy, huge backpack of withdrawal weighing me down...with the sun shining on the other side of the trees...and at the top of the page was my husband, son and daughter, leaning over through the trees shouting for me to keep going....I framed that picture and look at it all the time and hope that I am getting closer and closer to feeling those rays of sun.  And now with your success story, I KNOW it is going to happen.  It does take lots of blind faith to keep doing this....whew..it is so tough.

      thank you so much for coming back to encourage us with your story....so glad to finally KNOW that you are doing well....Wishing you nothing but good and healthy days ahead....and I'm ready for that picnic in the Summer Meadow...whenever summermeadow is ready...

Hoping2BFree

Great success story albie, I remember reading your progress log on a daily basis, so glad you've made it.

So, so, so very glad to be even a modicum of help to you folks.

 

Thank you so much for the kinds words.

 

Also, it's so great to hear from my familiar buddies, Summer, Leslie, Hoping and TimetoHeal.

 

I guess we'd have to figure out how to get permission from Colin as to how to do this, but if any of you are close to Minneapolis, MN, you have a standing invitation to go out boating and picnicking with me and the Mrs. After all, we are the City of Lakes, Land of 10,000 lakes and all that... even if they're all frozen right now. And yes, there really are more than 10,000 lakes in Minnesota -- actually 11,842, so we'll be able to find one without much trouble. 

 

Take care and keep in touch,

 

Albie

Thank you Albie. I remember your posts from way back when I was only ghost reading. You write eloquently. I wish you the best of times in your life and with your family, how blessed they are.

I remember you well, Albie.

 

I hope you the best my Minnesotan friend. :-)

 

I'm pretty much healed myself, just stomach issues. I never thought we would see the day, but I guess so.

 

I can relate to your metaphor.

 

Take care! Billy / Keryn 

Keryn,

 

I am SO glad for you!!! Frankly, I was a little worried about you with that long, long taper and the huge number of horrible symptoms you had.

 

I am so very glad you conquered these demonic drugs!

 

All the best to you, my friend,

 

Albie

Albie,

 

I'm pretty much of a newbie here.. But, I just wanted to say that reading your story has given me much hope..

 

I've been off the benzo for about 7 months now, but have run into a few obsticles along the way...  I was having a hard enough time with the withdrawal and all that comes with it - then I was diagnosed with Celiac about 3 months ago..  Wrapping my head around the diet, shopping, cooking when my brain is at half mast was an additional stressor and challenge.

 

I did it...  About a week ago, got sick with either the flu or flue/bronchitis and it threw me into a huge tailspin (I'm in it right now) and I thought about giving up a few times.. If you know what I mean.

 

Your successs story came at a perfect time for me... I'm going to push forward.. one foot in front of the other... and hopefully good things will come.

 

Thank You for the great words,

 

BoccB

Hi BoccB,

 

So glad my story helped! Yes, I totally know what you mean about feeling like giving up, especially when you get hit with some other non-benzo-related setback. It's like, okay, I was just barely keeping my head about water with the benzo withdrawal and recovery and NOW THIS! 

 

Anyway, as you well know, life doesn't get put "on hold" just because you're in recovery, and sooner or later in this long process, some other sh#t happens.  I had a few of those things including some medical, some financial and some employment related. Mostly ended up just being scares... but nonetheless, life can be pretty taxing on its own.

 

But hang in there. You did the right thing by not giving up. The longer you go, the easier it will get.

 

Best wishes,

 

Albie

Hi Albie,

 

You sound fantastic, I am really happy for you.  Thank you for writing your story and sharing it with us.  You have been through a lot but are definitely coming out on the brighter side.

 

I saw where you said you are sleeping now, I know you struggled with this for quite some time. Did you just slowly start getting your hours extended?  I'm getting sleep now but just not during the traditional hours. I usually don't fall asleep until 4 am, but then I sleep the morning away.  I saw where you take Benadryl and Melatonin, I believe?  I use Atarax which is an antihistamine, as needed, but haven't used the Melatonin but a couple of times. I have 1 mg that my dr suggested I try, but I'm so leery of them I know some people say they had terrible nightmares from Melatonin. Have you had any problems, I guess not or you wouldn't have continued.  Do you take the Melatonin at any certain time, or just at bed?  I have heard to use it prior to bed 1 to 2 hours from the time you want to sleep. I have tried to wait this sleeping out and getting really tired of not making any change at 18 1/2 months out. Maybe I should try the Melatonin.

 

Again thank you for writing.  I have found such encouragement from your posts.  As you know success stories are so important to us that haven't healed yet.  I really appreciate you taking the time to help all of us.

 

My best to you and your family,

Sally