Jump to content

Completely losing hope - crushing, debilitating early mornings


[bl...]

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

 

This space has become such a comfort for me in knowing I'm not alone. I desperately need help with what I'm going through. This may be a bit long, please bear with me.

 

I'm a 30 year old female who has struggled with being overly sensitive and anxious my whole life. For example - my parents divorced when I was 5, and some of my earliest memories were being in absolute terror when my dad would pick myself and my siblings up from my mom's to stay with him. I would panic the entire drive back thinking he was kidnapping us and was going to make a swift turn away from the route back to his house. There was nothing my dad did to make me feel this way...I loved him so much and loved being at his house. I had just heard a story about kidnapping in our neighborhood, and I convinced myself that my own father was a kidnapper as well. Horrible impending doom. 

 

When I was in 6th grade, my friend's mom had a brain aneurysm. Suddenly, I became absolutely obsessed and petrified with the idea. Like, completely took over my life. I had constant worry about her, and the chance that it could happen to me or somebody else I loved and it would be completely out of anyone's control. This is where my health anxiety and fear of losing control came from. It still remains with me to this day.

 

Shortly after that, I had my first ever panic attack. It was the end of the day at school in 6th grade, and suddenly I zoned out. When I came back to, I had a strong feeling of unreality and like I had no idea how I got to where I was, and nothing was real. I thought I lost control and I convinced myself that I too was succumbing to my greatest fear at the time, a brain aneurysm (which was really my fear of losing control). I started screaming and running around the school panicking. NOBODY understood what was happening to me at the time (except my mom - she had experienced these feelings in the 80s during an MDD stint. Shortly after that, I started missing school for fear of all of this returning again (avoidance, of course - textbook what they tell you not to do when facing anxiety/panic attacks).

 

I missed so much school that my mom finally dragged me to therapy. I tried explaining over and over again what I was dealing with. They kept trying to get to the root of the issue, but I could not figure it out. I just kept repeating over and over again, "I don't know what's wrong. I just don't feel like I'm here, and I'm so scared." I really didn't know what was going on - it was only until I was older that I was able to connect the dots. Also, this was 2004 - NO professional I went to ever brought up "derealization", which is 150% what I was dealing with. I wish I would've talked more, looking back.

 

I finally was taken to a psychiatrist in 2004. There, I was prescribed Paxil and 0.25 Xanax at age 11. "Give it 3 weeks and you'll feel normal, I promise", my mom kept reassuring me. Could I blame her? Like I mentioned, she had gone through a massive bout of depression in 1987 at age 30 (I truly am my mother's daughter, I suppose) - and antidepressants dug her out of it. To this day, she remains on Zoloft, and refuses to ever get off of it. Anyway, of course, the Paxil did nothing for me. I just stopped taking it after a while. However, I do remember a particularly bad day - I had just argued with my parents and insisted on staying home from school because I couldn't do it (such was the theme back then). For the first time, I took 0.25mg of Xanax. Suddenly, I felt...normal. Not high. Not out of my mind. I felt like the girl I always should have been my whole life. I was completely shocked - I was then able to go to school.

 

Now, I don't remember my usage of benzos in my earlier years because that was so long ago. I am going to guess that my psychiatrist urged me to take it frequently, because that was the kind of doctor he was, as we're all used to. I only really remember taking it from 2010-2022, with the worst of my dependency being later in college up until 2022. It pains me to think about how I've likely killed my brain with Xanax, all the alcohol and binge drinking from my 20s (I am sober now), and all of the antidepressants that I've trialed throughout my life. And I have tried almost ALL of them - Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Imipramine, Pamelor, Luvox. Buspar, Abilify(I'll discuss this in a bit). I am currently taking Duloxetine 90mg and Oxcarbazepine 300mg.

 

So, here we are, 12/23/2022.

 

Like I said, a lot of my dependency to Xanax was around 2016-2022. I know I was taking anywhere from .5mg-1.5mg around this time, averaging probably around 1.5mg. I was instructed to take it whenever I felt anxious and I did exactly that. I wish I would've known the repercussions. I wish I had a doctor who wasn't a pill pusher and actually took time to address what I was going through. But I can't change that - I can only try and actively work on being the person I've always wanted to be...except, it is hard. I am so tired.

 

I tapered from 1.25mg Xanax in 2021 and jumped 05/04/22. I have little desire to take any.

 

Here is where my questions lie, and why I thought it was important to explain my complicated history. Throughout my 20s, I noticed depression getting increasingly worse. Hopeless mornings were frequent, but I eventually was able to snap out of them (or I just took a Xanax...the shame I feel typing that). In 2021, right before my taper, all hell broke loose with my depression. My boyfriend whom I loved dearly blindsided me with a break up, I was looking for a new job and stressed about my financial situation, etc. I had loads of stress and obviously mental health issues I hadn't worked through. The depression and anxiety were intense and unlike anything I had ever experienced before. This also lasted throughout my taper, and remains with me to this day, almost 8 months off. I wake up every morning early, with a pounding heart and a profound feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. There are literally no words in the English language to describe these feelings. They cycle one minute to where I am absolutely crushed and defeated with the thoughts that nothing will EVER get better, that life is like this forever, that I am the worst case and there is no coming back. There is no point, no joy, everything is doom and gloom forever. On top of this, I am also ridiculously tired and absolutely drained, and all I want to do is just drift off back to sleep. I crave it. And I can't, and that makes everything worse. The thoughts come back rampantly; "you will never be able to fall back asleep - these feelings will forever be with you. There is no escape. Nothing you can do will fix it. This is life now." thoughts like that. It sends physical pain throughout my body and leaves me crying out loud for help. I sob like a baby every single morning as I drag myself out of bed to shower, feed my guinea pigs, make decaf coffee, and get on with my day. It completely lifts by the time the sun goes down. I am a normal person. Then the morning comes and the cycle repeats itself. I literally curse the morning sky every single morning.

 

So, I just need to know. I am obsessing about it, feeling more hopeless as time goes on and going back and forth. Is this depression the result of benzo dependency for 10+ years? Like I said, I have never struggled this horribly with depression until I took benzos for a prolonged period, and especially towards the end, throughout my taper and present day, almost 8 months out. One thing to note is that my doctor at one point in 2021-2022 started me on Abilify, and it completely made the terrorizing mornings more bearable. I was on that on and off all through 2022 because I didn't like the side effects and I know the long term implications of being on antipsychotics.

 

Please, please, please help me. Please tell me what is causing this despair. I am at the end of my rope and cannot deal with it much longer. There is no going back to sleep in the early mornings, something I so desperately want. Instead, I am stabbed everywhere in my body with this crushing depression, hopelessness and despair. Given my timeline, is it reasonable to think that the benzos were the culprit, and that I will be okay one day? I need hope and answers. I am completely desperate.

 

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello blessthismess-

I'm sorry you didn't get a response earlier and I'm sorry you're suffering so terribly.  Withdrawal looks different for each person but it isn't unusual to be experiencing difficult symptoms at your stage. It takes time for the brain and central nervous system to heal from benzos.  It can take way longer than we'd like it to.  There is not way to hurry it but it may help to practice the best self care you can.  The most important tool for getting through the long days of withdrawal is distraction - finding activities and projects to absorb your focus and energy. This helps the time pass less miserably and all the while, healing is taking place in the background.  You will get through this.

It will help others know what your history is if you make a signature.  Here's how: Add your history/signature

 

From what you describe, you have history of depression and you feel it became much worse when you started taking Xanax.  Depression is a very common withdrawal symptom so I have to believe benzo withdrawal is playing a very major role in your depression right now.  Here's what it says about depression in Chapter 3 Ashton manual, list of symptoms.

 

"Depressive symptoms are common both during long-term benzodiazepine use and in withdrawal. It is not surprising that some patients feel depressed considering the amalgam of other psychological and physical symptoms that may assail them. Sometimes the depression becomes severe enough to qualify as a “major depressive disorder”, to use the psychiatric term. This disorder includes the risk of suicide and may require treatment with psychotherapy and/or antidepressant drugs.

 

Severe depression may result from biochemical changes in the brain induced by benzodiazepines. Benzodiazepines are known to decrease the activity of serotonin and norepinephrine (noradrenaline), neurotransmitters believed to be closely involved in depression. Antidepressant drugs including the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs such as Prozac) are thought to act by increasing the activity of such neurotransmitters.

 

Depression in withdrawal may become protracted (see section on protracted symptoms) and if it does not lift within a few weeks and is unresponsive to simple reassurance and encouragement, it is worth seeking a medical opinion and possibly taking an antidepressant drug (see section on adjuvant medication). Depression in withdrawal responds to antidepressant drugs in the same way as depressive disorders where benzodiazepines are not involved. If, as in many cases, an antidepressant drug is already being taken along with the benzodiazepine, it is important to continue the antidepressant until after benzodiazepine withdrawal is complete. Withdrawal from the antidepressant can be considered separately at a later stage (See Chapter II, Schedule 13)."

 

Wishing you much healing!

Brighterday

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you. Do you think the culprit for my intense mood shifts, horrible thoughts, extreme hopelessness is benzos and possibly alcohol for years and years? Have you heard of anybody having a similar experience? All I need to know is that somebody like me exists. I feel so alone.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

See my response on your post from yesterday.  In short, there are many others at Benzo Buddies who have experiences with benzos and alcohol similar to yours.  I know you're deeply discouraged but there is plenty of reason for hope.  Remember, as it heals from benzos our brain tells us the world is filled with gloom and hopelessness - these are known as benzo lies:  Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm exactly in the same situation as you. I badly want someone to tell me if it's the benzos which is making me suicidal..

Buddy, please try homeopathy remedies, it won't magically turn things right, but it will keep your anxiety and depression within a certain range where you can fight it..

Please contact a homeopathy doctor ASAP.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In 2020, I went thru acute withdrawal (see sig). The morning despair was so crushing that I couldn’t face it. I am retired so my eyes would open in the morning and I would move to the couch and stay there til 12. I was forced to move at 12 but stayed in a chair all day.  I literally could not function on any level in the morning. It was the most crushing depression I had ever touched. My childhood history is also similar to yours. Also, it would lift in the evening(a little).  I firmly believe you are experiencing some withdrawal. I PROMISE you it will slowly lift.

In Jan 2021, I wrote a letter to God to help me. (I am not religious)It was the most soul crushing account of my current state. Then slowly, it began to lift.

You will survive this and your life will be richer from it. These drugs do temporary damage to our receptors and when we are already compromised with lifelong depression, it’s a perfect storm .

Live minute by minute and know you will survive and thrive ❤️

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm exactly in the same situation as you. I badly want someone to tell me if it's the benzos which is making me suicidal..

Buddy, please try homeopathy remedies, it won't magically turn things right, but it will keep your anxiety and depression within a certain range where you can fight it..

Please contact a homeopathy doctor ASAP.

 

When did it start for you? Was it during all three: benzo use, taper AND being off?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Benzos is making you feel crushing depression. Once you've healed you will know this. I also doubt my depression many times. But my mother said that she has noticed my depression pre benzos, and said that it's the drugs.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...