Brighterday's Success Story

Dear BB,

 

I’m very happy to share my Success Story.  Success Stories were a truly a beacon of hope for me when I was in the thick of benzo withdrawal two years ago.  When WD symptoms were off the charts I would go on BB at all hours of day or night, clutching my phone as if holding onto a lifeline. Often it was Success Stories I was looking at. At that time I couldn’t have imagined writing one myself - my benzo numbed brain kept telling me I was forever changed and would never feel like myself again.  On the other hand, I still held out hope as I clung to others’ Success Stories for dear life and if someone had told me then that it would be 3 years before I felt ready to write my own I would have been filled with despair. Why  write it now and not earlier?  Because I wasn’t ready to revisit that grueling experience.  But despair and its nasty cousins are no longer my constant companions and here I am, ready to share my story. I wanted to bask in my re-won equilibrium.  Now, I’m ready to offer my story. Reaching out to help others on BB was a big part of my healing. One of the most important facets of BB is to be among others who truly understand what you are going through and that despite what doctors and others might tell you WD is REAL. My story of benzo withdrawal doesn’t hurt me anymore and it may help someone else. I truly hope so.

 

This will be long.  The short version?  Healing is real.  Healing takes time but healing happens.  Windows and waves are real.  Over time windows begin to last longer and one day you will realize the window didn’t close and a wave didn’t happen.  I went through hell and came out the other side to know peace and joy again. I intend to be honest and pull no punches.  This is a hard path but it’s crucial to remind yourself it leads to healing. You have to hold not that hope and belief, and keep marching forward.

 

Three years ago (9/19/2019) I took my last dose of Klonopin/clonazepam.  To cope with chronic relentless anxiety and erratic sleep I took Ativan/lorazepam for 20 something years sporadically, sometimes quitting for months and starting up again.  This was on top of two antidepressants and Buspar/buspirone. In 2019 I began having clusters of panic attacks almost daily.  My psychopharmacologist/psychiatrist increased my Ativan and I had some relief for a while.  At the time I was working full time in a very stressful job, underwent abdominal surgery and was taking care of my elderly frail mother who was on hospice.  My mother died in the spring of 2019. Between my grief and coping with emptying her home my anxiety escalated again.  My doctor switched me to Klonopin.  My panic attacks and persistent high anxiety were tamped down but I felt like a zombie with no feelings.  I worried about the possible correlation between benzos and dementia so I told my doctor I wanted to get off the Klonopin.  She cheerfully agreed and under her guidance I began my taper.

 

Under my doctor’s guidance I tapered off 2mg/day over 5 weeks.  I learned too late this was way too fast.  In retrospect I was like a lamb with no notion that the gates of a kind of hell were about to open. 

 

Withdrawal symptoms began shortly after my last dose:

Extreme, terrible anxiety where to be awake was to live in fear, on high alert, of imminent disaster.

Ruminating on death, decay and disease which I saw in everything.  Overwhelmed with an excruciating sense of fragility in all living things and incipient tragedy in everything. I remember walking on the street in October and feeling every leaf and flower was saturated with impending doom and heartbreaking loss.

Blood pressure spikes that terrified me that I was about to have a stroke

Head pressure - like I was deep underwater and my brain was being compressed

Headaches

Shooting sharp pains in head

Palpitations; heart skipping beats, stuttering, hiccuping; beating fast and hard; feeling my heartbeat in my head; hearing my heartbeat in my head.

Shooting pains in arms

Night sweats; waking up with top of my night shirt drenched with perspiration

Insomnia

Feeling head was stuffed with cotton

Slowed cognition - for example, trouble comprehending concepts I used to have no trouble with, poor memory, shrinking vocabulary

Depersonalization - feeling like stranger in an alien body

Derealization

Adrenaline/cortisol surges - electric currents of anxious fight, flight, freeze energy surging through my body

Body odor - terrible odor that bathing didn’t alleviate

Facial pain

Hair trigger temper/irritability like mega PMS

Hypochondria - I was certain all sorts of bodily sensations were signs of something dire

Anxiety in search of a vehicle - constantly attaching itself to one thing or another and then running full tilt with it

Constantly seeking assurance from my spouse that I would get better

Dizziness lasting hours each day

Appearance - aged rapidly - shrunken, haggard and more wrinkled; my hair became thinner

Tinnitus - a constant repetitive chord at a low volume.  This faded away almost completely after about a year and a half.  Over the past several months I’ve experienced it when I’m very tired.

Earworms - a song or melody incessantly on repeat - random songs, songs I don’t even like

Perseveration thoughts about things in the past; e.g. inexplicable rumination on high school boyfriend

PTSD like intrusive thoughts; old memories and apocalyptic scenarios

Fatigue - needing much more sleep than usual

Preferring sleep to being awake

 

I felt so unrelentingly miserable there were many times I didn’t want to continue to live if this was what life was going to be. The mental and emotional pain was excruciating. I was in utter despair. I’m not a religious person and pray very seldom but I remember literally dropping to my knees one day three months in and begging God to help me, to make the torment stop.

Before I go any further, please know that with time  each of these symptoms gradually faded and disappeared.

 

I found BB after about 2 months.  Perhaps I was guided there.  In any case, I scoured the internet for something to help and in finding BB I found more than I could have hoped for.  BB was truly a lifeline for me.  Whereas my family and friends couldn’t  really comprehend my experience and my medical providers,  who didn’t seem to know very much at all about benzo withdrawal, were dismissive of my complaints here was a place where others understood what I was going through and believed me.  I learned so much about what was going on in withdrawal, what to expect, and why it was happening .  It was also hugely comforting to learn that the astounding variety of symptoms I was experiencing was experienced by others. I began to understand that benzos had literally changed how my brain functioned and that my symptoms were a manifestation of my brain working to recover equilibrium. The compassionate support and wealth of knowledge I found on BB from the Admin. Team and from members was pure gold. I was in the middle of a dark raging storm of WD symptoms but I found so many reasons to hold on to hope. So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and moved through each day.

 

In the first eight months or so I felt incremental changes that seemed to be signs of healing.  Progress seemed minuscule and there were setbacks.  For example, when I experienced stressors of any magnitude, such as a bad cold, a colonoscopy and family conflict during holidays, it really rocked me and my withdrawal symptoms went into overdrive again - mostly horrible anxiety/panic attacks, dread, gloom & doom.  Anxiety triggered by the pandemic and other national or world events was rough too.  Through these challenges my system was jostled and had to scramble as it continually to tried regain equilibrium.  It felt discouraging.  It was hard to accept that there was such a long road ahead. 

 

For the first year, the waves and windows pattern was very strong.  What did a window feel like? Like coming up for air into a sunny warm day after being under cold murky water for way too long.  Like the Munchkins emerging and singing joyfully after the Wicked Witch is killed.  It was a glimpse of feeling like myself again, lighter and brighter, like the chains of miserable WD symptoms had dropped. There was no way to predict a window was about to open.  Windows were brief and fleeting at first.  It was a discouraging to return to a wave. Waves were grisly and brutal as first but very gradually over the months they were less severe and less discouraging.  Over the months waves began to get shorter in duration and windows began to last longer.  They were switching places.  The good stuff was becoming more predominant. 

 

Now, three years later, I would say I am 99% healed. It’s a conservative estimate because I have thought before I was completely healed and been amazed to realize I was feeling even better a couple months later!  I still have times when my anxiety revs up but it doesn’t last more than a couple of hours at most and my bag of coping tricks helps me through.

 

To be perfectly candid, I’m still on other psych meds - 2 antidepressants and Buspar.  I’m sure they helped cushion me during withdrawal.I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life - I accept it is probably just part of my makeup, my trauma, etc.  and I will continue to have to deal with both to some degree. But to put things in perspective, the anxiety I occasionally deal with now is like a tiny mosquito compared to the T Rex of WD anxiety.  I believe the self care habits, the tool kit I developed out of necessity thanks to benzo WD, have equipped me to manage with a lighter load of psych meds. Starting last summer I very slowly tapered to a lower dose of one of my two antidepressants. I’m about to taper off the other one completely.  After that I’ll start tapering Buspar. I learned my lesson from benzos and will never taper too quickly again.  Slow and cautious is the way to go.

 

This past summer I was diagnosed with a low grade malignant sarcoma.  I had surgery for it 8 weeks ago.  I have a very good prognosis.  Needless to say, I was rocked by this experience but the skills and practices that helped me through the nightmare of withdrawal also helped be get through a scary cancer diagnosis and treatment.  I feel optimistic now and that in itself feels miraculous.

 

Vital coping tools / bag of tricks

Things that helped when I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms:

techniques to help cope with symptoms without reaching for drugs. I learned about every single one of these on BB. These will help me for the rest of my life, there is absolutely no doubt.

 

In the midst of WD I found the more of these things I incorporated into each day the better things went.

 

Meditation daily ( I use Headspace and love it, but Calm is another good app).  It’s impossible to choose one technique as the best  but as a long term approach, daily meditation is pure gold.  You may not feel its benefits in the moment when you’re in distress but over time you will feel it’s benefits profoundly.

 

Walking and gentile cardio - I tried to take a long walk every day. Putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward was profoundly empowering and also helped burn off the horrible anxious energy of cortisol surges. Walking also took me out of the still air of my home into nature which I’m convinced has unquantifiable healing powers. But please don't overdo it by pushing yourself too hard with your workouts.

When I couldn’t walk outside I did cardio programs indoors - getting the endorphins rolling every day helped smooth out my ragged nerves.

Stretching and yoga - both helped get at least a little centering and calming

Breathing - slow breathing techniques

Sleep  Getting as much sleep as you can/ as much as possible, yet also trying not to stress over insomnia.  Accepting where you are in your healing is important and helps nurture a sense of well being.

Staying well hydrated with water - helps promote a sense of well being and flushes toxins

Comedy -  try to bring laughter into each day if possible

Beautiful music

Wholesome diet with plenty of whole grains, variety of fresh vegetables and fruits

Limiting sugar, caffeine, processed foods and alcohol

Psychotherapy - a huge piece for me was working on developing my coping skills and boundaries with others.

Radical acceptance

Chamomile tea (strong, 2 bags)

Warm bath with Epsom salts and lavender oil, candles and soothing music before bed

Keeping busy focused on tasks

Creative activities - painting, clay, music, etc.

 

Panic attacks

This was one of my worst WD symptoms.  Propranolol (beta blocker) is a subject of some debate on BB.  Some folks don’t want to go this route.  It’s understandable - there’s a risk of developing another dependency and needing to taper off it, some say.  But I used it infrequently for when physical manifestations of anxiety were intolerable - it gave me relief from cortisol surges and palpitations.

Breathing exercises - Breathe in to count of 4; hold for 4; exhale to count of 6.  This is just one example - there are many.

Telling yourself - I’m having a panic attack; this is what a panic attack feels like:  you’ve been through this before; this will pass.

 

Going through benzo withdrawal is without a doubt one of the most difficult, terrible things I’ve been through in my 68 years.  And believe me, I’ve been through some hard stuff. I believe benzos may have a place in the world - as a sedative for procedures and perhaps to treat truly acute anxiety for no longer than 2 weeks. But long term use of it is a case of the cure being worse than the disease.  I believe kindling and tapering too fast made my withdrawal experience much harder. But it’s over now.  My thoughts are clearer.  My comprehension is better. Vocabulary words are returning.  I feel more connected to others, more compassionate, and more comfortable.  I’m less reactive and I’m irritable infrequently (I’m still human!)

 

Final words:

Please be very very kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would an injured creature, because you have in fact been injured.

Try not to be too hurt that others may not get what you’re going through (how could they really?)

Try to remind yourself: Healing is real but it takes time and you can’t rush it.  You can help it along by taking the best care of yourself you can.  Accept that this is your journey right now.  Use this time to practice and develop your tool kit.

You will get through this.  You’re stronger than you realize. 

 

Thank you to Benzo Buddies for guiding me through the nightmarish maze.  Bless all of you.

Very well written and written w care. Thank you for this gift.

Its wonderful to see you again Brighterday, I'm so grateful to you for coming back to write your success story.  Including so much detail will help others see themselves in your story and they'll find comfort knowing it's possible to recover from this.  And thank you for including so many things that helped you, I'm especially grateful for your mosquito and T-Rex analogy, I tell members all the time that compared to the anxiety the benzo's produce, our normal anxiety is so much easier to deal with.  I'm so glad you've been able to reach into your toolbox to help you with life. 

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the sarcoma and hope everything will work out for you, thank you again for coming back, your story will reassure and inspire many. 

 

 

 

 

Thankyou so much for your story.  It’s been a long time of making it through this nightmare. My hope comes from reading these stories of people making it with the same symptoms. I can’t put into words how much you have helped me tonight. Thankyou

Thank you brighterday

I hold on tight to these kind of stories.  I constantly question if this process is really as bad as it feels? You’ve helped confirm yes this is BAD but thankfully we heal.  It’s hard to believe right now but thanks again for the encouragement!

I hope you have some amazing benzo free years ahead

🔥

Thank you Brighterday.  Wishing you all the best.

❤

So good to see you Brighterday and thank you for sharing your success story.  Stories like yours give those still on the healing journey such encouragement and hope!  I am so sorry to hear about your recent health issue but it sounds like your benzo experience has given you the skills and strength needed to deal with it. 

 

Kate08   

BD  :smitten:

 

I'm thrilled and thankful you came back and posted your Success Story. Like you, they were my lifeline for a long time. Now yours, which is so well written, will be a beacon for hope for others still going through the process.

 

Your words are wise and obviously helped you navigate through the mire of withdrawal and recovery. I wish you all the best, I hope that all goes well in terms of the sarcoma.

 

All the best to you,

 

PG 

Brighter Day,

 

How very kind of you to so generously share your amazing story and include so many helpful details! I really need this right now at 15 months out.  I know the progress is there. When you said things like bad colds would cause set backs that was of particular help to me as I'm in a big wave after suffering a very nasty cold for over a week.  I'm doing most of the things you suggested already and I agree that the benefits slowly add up from using the best practices.  I'm so sorry for the suffering you endured and any health issues you are currently dealing with but very happy you feel so healed!

 

Thank you so very much for coming back to encourage and advise us. it's so valuable.

 

Take good care and enjoy your life!

 

Helen

Good to see you Brighterday and thank you for posting your wonderful informative success story.  I was sorry to read about the sarcoma, what a scary time for you,  so pleased the prognosis is good.  Like you I spent many sleepless nights on the forums.    I printed out some success stories, and would read them over and over,  they are so important during this very difficult process.

 

Hope life keeps on getting better, you deserve it.

 

Wishing you the very best for the future

 

Magrita

 

SO well written! This line completely resonated with me and was so clever: "Like the Munchkins emerging and singing joyfully after the Wicked Witch is killed." While I am still tapering K, I so appreciate the windows/waves theory of this. So, so happy for you and glad your surgery is complete. Praying all is great going forward and happy it is low grade 

kanoba - I’m so glad it felt like a gift.

 

Sunny - It means so much to me that this helped you.  That is the reason I wrote it.  Wishing you much healing.

 

feelingfire - I know the feeling of holding on tight to stories like mine.  Hang in there.  Healing is real.

 

Dianedeedee  - Same to you!

 

Helen - absolutely - remember this next time you have a cold, a dentist appointment, a hectic day, etc., even a glass of wine  - it will help you get through if an uptick happens. 

 

nervouswreck - so glad it resonated with you.  Thank you for your kind words.

 

Pamster, Kate08, pianogirl, and magrita - Thanks for the warm responses!  Best to all of you 

It means a lot your quick response, thanks. I have even been to afraid to do anything on this site but mostly read success stories.  Your story means a lot. There are so many similarities. I had surgery like yours and in 2019 was taking care of my Mom on hospice also. Also what a relief finding out most were experiencing these same unbelievable symptoms. I want to print your story because it gives me a lot of hope that l will get better too. Really glad you wrote this.

Thanks you so much for taking the time to write out your story.  I can see why you had to wait a while to write out you painful times.  I really appreciate it.  Wishing you happiness and good health. 

Your story is a gift to many.

The shooting pains in the head are not easy to deal with.

I have noticed (as you and others have also) that tolerance for stress is very low.

A stressful event can set me back quite aways.

A key point in healing is to remember it's not linear and be patient( much much easier said than done when it gets tough)

Thanks for giving everyone hope.

Brighter I wish you much joy in your new healed life. May you make beautiful memories with a new found appreciation for feeling well. Thank you for writing your success story. They’re much needed here. As we all are trying to exercise our patience to get out of this forest of suffering. Nothing brings hope like a buddie who has made it through to the clearing that is now enjoying the sunshine everyday. Your perseverance and endurance paid off. It is a precious reward that we all are striving for. I’m in celebration of your reward with you. Well done!

Hugs 🤗

Your story has brought a calmness to my heart, a smile to my face, and a mega dose of gratitude for you sharing your personal BWD journey….one with a happy ending.  I send all good wishes that good health and pure joy will be a part of your every day living going forward!🙏

 

GG

Thanks so much GG! 

Marking 4 years since I jumped and it only gets better!  Thank you BB community.  You were a lifeline when I needed one.

It happens, we can recover and its important to keep repeating this because the drug wants us to believe otherwise.  Thanks @[Br...].

Thank you for your testimony of healing, @[Br...]!  And thank you for helping others in need!

Thanks so much for sharing this. I needed to hear this this morning. Well done on coming so far!

On 13/09/2022 at 23:33, [[B...] said:

Dear BB,

I’m very happy to share my Success Story.  Success Stories were a truly a beacon of hope for me when I was in the thick of benzo withdrawal two years ago.  When WD symptoms were off the charts I would go on BB at all hours of day or night, clutching my phone as if holding onto a lifeline. Often it was Success Stories I was looking at. At that time I couldn’t have imagined writing one myself - my benzo numbed brain kept telling me I was forever changed and would never feel like myself again.  On the other hand, I still held out hope as I clung to others’ Success Stories for dear life and if someone had told me then that it would be 3 years before I felt ready to write my own I would have been filled with despair. Why  write it now and not earlier?  Because I wasn’t ready to revisit that grueling experience.  But despair and its nasty cousins are no longer my constant companions and here I am, ready to share my story. I wanted to bask in my re-won equilibrium.  Now, I’m ready to offer my story. Reaching out to help others on BB was a big part of my healing. One of the most important facets of BB is to be among others who truly understand what you are going through and that despite what doctors and others might tell you WD is REAL. My story of benzo withdrawal doesn’t hurt me anymore and it may help someone else. I truly hope so.

This will be long.  The short version?  Healing is real.  Healing takes time but healing happens.  Windows and waves are real.  Over time windows begin to last longer and one day you will realize the window didn’t close and a wave didn’t happen.  I went through hell and came out the other side to know peace and joy again. I intend to be honest and pull no punches.  This is a hard path but it’s crucial to remind yourself it leads to healing. You have to hold not that hope and belief, and keep marching forward.

Three years ago (9/19/2019) I took my last dose of Klonopin/clonazepam.  To cope with chronic relentless anxiety and erratic sleep I took Ativan/lorazepam for 20 something years sporadically, sometimes quitting for months and starting up again.  This was on top of two antidepressants and Buspar/buspirone. In 2019 I began having clusters of panic attacks almost daily.  My psychopharmacologist/psychiatrist increased my Ativan and I had some relief for a while.  At the time I was working full time in a very stressful job, underwent abdominal surgery and was taking care of my elderly frail mother who was on hospice.  My mother died in the spring of 2019. Between my grief and coping with emptying her home my anxiety escalated again.  My doctor switched me to Klonopin.  My panic attacks and persistent high anxiety were tamped down but I felt like a zombie with no feelings.  I worried about the possible correlation between benzos and dementia so I told my doctor I wanted to get off the Klonopin.  She cheerfully agreed and under her guidance I began my taper.

Under my doctor’s guidance I tapered off 2mg/day over 5 weeks.  I learned too late this was way too fast.  In retrospect I was like a lamb with no notion that the gates of a kind of hell were about to open. 

Withdrawal symptoms began shortly after my last dose:

Extreme, terrible anxiety where to be awake was to live in fear, on high alert, of imminent disaster.

Ruminating on death, decay and disease which I saw in everything.  Overwhelmed with an excruciating sense of fragility in all living things and incipient tragedy in everything. I remember walking on the street in October and feeling every leaf and flower was saturated with impending doom and heartbreaking loss.

Blood pressure spikes that terrified me that I was about to have a stroke

Head pressure - like I was deep underwater and my brain was being compressed

Headaches

Shooting sharp pains in head

Palpitations; heart skipping beats, stuttering, hiccuping; beating fast and hard; feeling my heartbeat in my head; hearing my heartbeat in my head.

Shooting pains in arms

Night sweats; waking up with top of my night shirt drenched with perspiration

Insomnia

Feeling head was stuffed with cotton

Slowed cognition - for example, trouble comprehending concepts I used to have no trouble with, poor memory, shrinking vocabulary

Depersonalization - feeling like stranger in an alien body

Derealization

Adrenaline/cortisol surges - electric currents of anxious fight, flight, freeze energy surging through my body

Body odor - terrible odor that bathing didn’t alleviate

Facial pain

Hair trigger temper/irritability like mega PMS

Hypochondria - I was certain all sorts of bodily sensations were signs of something dire

Anxiety in search of a vehicle - constantly attaching itself to one thing or another and then running full tilt with it

Constantly seeking assurance from my spouse that I would get better

Dizziness lasting hours each day

Appearance - aged rapidly - shrunken, haggard and more wrinkled; my hair became thinner

Tinnitus - a constant repetitive chord at a low volume.  This faded away almost completely after about a year and a half.  Over the past several months I’ve experienced it when I’m very tired.

Earworms - a song or melody incessantly on repeat - random songs, songs I don’t even like

Perseveration thoughts about things in the past; e.g. inexplicable rumination on high school boyfriend

PTSD like intrusive thoughts; old memories and apocalyptic scenarios

Fatigue - needing much more sleep than usual

Preferring sleep to being awake

I felt so unrelentingly miserable there were many times I didn’t want to continue to live if this was what life was going to be. The mental and emotional pain was excruciating. I was in utter despair. I’m not a religious person and pray very seldom but I remember literally dropping to my knees one day three months in and begging God to help me, to make the torment stop.

Before I go any further, please know that with time  each of these symptoms gradually faded and disappeared.

I found BB after about 2 months.  Perhaps I was guided there.  In any case, I scoured the internet for something to help and in finding BB I found more than I could have hoped for.  BB was truly a lifeline for me.  Whereas my family and friends couldn’t  really comprehend my experience and my medical providers,  who didn’t seem to know very much at all about benzo withdrawal, were dismissive of my complaints here was a place where others understood what I was going through and believed me.  I learned so much about what was going on in withdrawal, what to expect, and why it was happening .  It was also hugely comforting to learn that the astounding variety of symptoms I was experiencing was experienced by others. I began to understand that benzos had literally changed how my brain functioned and that my symptoms were a manifestation of my brain working to recover equilibrium. The compassionate support and wealth of knowledge I found on BB from the Admin. Team and from members was pure gold. I was in the middle of a dark raging storm of WD symptoms but I found so many reasons to hold on to hope. So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and moved through each day.

In the first eight months or so I felt incremental changes that seemed to be signs of healing.  Progress seemed minuscule and there were setbacks.  For example, when I experienced stressors of any magnitude, such as a bad cold, a colonoscopy and family conflict during holidays, it really rocked me and my withdrawal symptoms went into overdrive again - mostly horrible anxiety/panic attacks, dread, gloom & doom.  Anxiety triggered by the pandemic and other national or world events was rough too.  Through these challenges my system was jostled and had to scramble as it continually to tried regain equilibrium.  It felt discouraging.  It was hard to accept that there was such a long road ahead. 

For the first year, the waves and windows pattern was very strong.  What did a window feel like? Like coming up for air into a sunny warm day after being under cold murky water for way too long.  Like the Munchkins emerging and singing joyfully after the Wicked Witch is killed.  It was a glimpse of feeling like myself again, lighter and brighter, like the chains of miserable WD symptoms had dropped. There was no way to predict a window was about to open.  Windows were brief and fleeting at first.  It was a discouraging to return to a wave. Waves were grisly and brutal as first but very gradually over the months they were less severe and less discouraging.  Over the months waves began to get shorter in duration and windows began to last longer.  They were switching places.  The good stuff was becoming more predominant. 

Now, three years later, I would say I am 99% healed. It’s a conservative estimate because I have thought before I was completely healed and been amazed to realize I was feeling even better a couple months later!  I still have times when my anxiety revs up but it doesn’t last more than a couple of hours at most and my bag of coping tricks helps me through.

To be perfectly candid, I’m still on other psych meds - 2 antidepressants and Buspar.  I’m sure they helped cushion me during withdrawal.I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life - I accept it is probably just part of my makeup, my trauma, etc.  and I will continue to have to deal with both to some degree. But to put things in perspective, the anxiety I occasionally deal with now is like a tiny mosquito compared to the T Rex of WD anxiety.  I believe the self care habits, the tool kit I developed out of necessity thanks to benzo WD, have equipped me to manage with a lighter load of psych meds. Starting last summer I very slowly tapered to a lower dose of one of my two antidepressants. I’m about to taper off the other one completely.  After that I’ll start tapering Buspar. I learned my lesson from benzos and will never taper too quickly again.  Slow and cautious is the way to go.

This past summer I was diagnosed with a low grade malignant sarcoma.  I had surgery for it 8 weeks ago.  I have a very good prognosis.  Needless to say, I was rocked by this experience but the skills and practices that helped me through the nightmare of withdrawal also helped be get through a scary cancer diagnosis and treatment.  I feel optimistic now and that in itself feels miraculous.

Vital coping tools / bag of tricks

Things that helped when I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms:

techniques to help cope with symptoms without reaching for drugs. I learned about every single one of these on BB. These will help me for the rest of my life, there is absolutely no doubt.

In the midst of WD I found the more of these things I incorporated into each day the better things went.

Meditation daily ( I use Headspace and love it, but Calm is another good app).  It’s impossible to choose one technique as the best  but as a long term approach, daily meditation is pure gold.  You may not feel its benefits in the moment when you’re in distress but over time you will feel it’s benefits profoundly.

Walking and gentile cardio - I tried to take a long walk every day. Putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward was profoundly empowering and also helped burn off the horrible anxious energy of cortisol surges. Walking also took me out of the still air of my home into nature which I’m convinced has unquantifiable healing powers. But please don't overdo it by pushing yourself too hard with your workouts.

When I couldn’t walk outside I did cardio programs indoors - getting the endorphins rolling every day helped smooth out my ragged nerves.

Stretching and yoga - both helped get at least a little centering and calming

Breathing - slow breathing techniques

Sleep  Getting as much sleep as you can/ as much as possible, yet also trying not to stress over insomnia.  Accepting where you are in your healing is important and helps nurture a sense of well being.

Staying well hydrated with water - helps promote a sense of well being and flushes toxins

Comedy -  try to bring laughter into each day if possible

Beautiful music

Wholesome diet with plenty of whole grains, variety of fresh vegetables and fruits

Limiting sugar, caffeine, processed foods and alcohol

Psychotherapy - a huge piece for me was working on developing my coping skills and boundaries with others.

Radical acceptance

Chamomile tea (strong, 2 bags)

Warm bath with Epsom salts and lavender oil, candles and soothing music before bed

Keeping busy focused on tasks

Creative activities - painting, clay, music, etc.

Panic attacks

This was one of my worst WD symptoms.  Propranolol (beta blocker) is a subject of some debate on BB.  Some folks don’t want to go this route.  It’s understandable - there’s a risk of developing another dependency and needing to taper off it, some say.  But I used it infrequently for when physical manifestations of anxiety were intolerable - it gave me relief from cortisol surges and palpitations.

Breathing exercises - Breathe in to count of 4; hold for 4; exhale to count of 6.  This is just one example - there are many.

Telling yourself - I’m having a panic attack; this is what a panic attack feels like:  you’ve been through this before; this will pass.

Going through benzo withdrawal is without a doubt one of the most difficult, terrible things I’ve been through in my 68 years.  And believe me, I’ve been through some hard stuff. I believe benzos may have a place in the world - as a sedative for procedures and perhaps to treat truly acute anxiety for no longer than 2 weeks. But long term use of it is a case of the cure being worse than the disease.  I believe kindling and tapering too fast made my withdrawal experience much harder. But it’s over now.  My thoughts are clearer.  My comprehension is better. Vocabulary words are returning.  I feel more connected to others, more compassionate, and more comfortable.  I’m less reactive and I’m irritable infrequently (I’m still human!)

Final words:

Please be very very kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would an injured creature, because you have in fact been injured.

Try not to be too hurt that others may not get what you’re going through (how could they really?)

Try to remind yourself: Healing is real but it takes time and you can’t rush it.  You can help it along by taking the best care of yourself you can.  Accept that this is your journey right now.  Use this time to practice and develop your tool kit.

You will get through this.  You’re stronger than you realize. 

Thank you to Benzo Buddies for guiding me through the nightmarish maze.  Bless all of you.

This was very helpful to read, thanks

On 13/09/2022 at 17:33, [[B...] said:

Ruminating on death, decay and disease which I saw in everything.  Overwhelmed with an excruciating sense of fragility in all living things and incipient tragedy in everything. I remember walking on the street in October and feeling every leaf and flower was saturated with impending doom and heartbreaking loss.

This! This is me, it’s getting better but oh my goodness it was so bad. 

@[he...] I'm so glad it's getting better for you.  That symptom was brutal.  I'm so grateful those horribly dark days are behind me.  It will recede in your rear view mirror too.  Thanks for commenting.