Three Years Free Today

Today marks three years since I took my final dose of Xanax.

 

When my GP retired and I went to a new doctor, she mentioned that long term use of benzodiazapines was dangerous. Since I'd been on benzos at least fifteen years, that was a scary piece of information. The GP suggested I taper off but did not anything other than the recommendation.

 

I began tapering and ended up horrifically dazed. I searched online for answers. I thought maybe my confusion and pain was related to decreasing Xanax, but I wasn't sure. I found BB and then I lost the spot and forgot I found the space and then found it again. I only know I forgot I visited prior to getting somewhat active, because another sign in name came up in my search.

 

I was able to focus enough (just barely) to somewhat understand what was going. I was in severe withdrawal and was having tons of physical and mental issues. Argh. I wanted free. I was scared. I read and read. I looked at members who were successfully getting off benzos and what strategies they used.

 

Ultimately I decided to get off Xanax using a liquid micro taper. The potion was 8:2:1 or 8 parts water with 2 parts vodka and one part benzo.

 

Deciding to get clean was easier than actually doing it. There were days where I did not get out of bed and just curled up in a fetal position and howled like an animal with a leg caught in a trap. There was a month or so when I was not able to drive at all. My air conditioner played music. My eyes saw things in 3D layers with the planes messed up. I was terrified.

 

But, I kept at it. Day after day. Sometimes minute by minute.

 

I did not know the 14th was the day I was going to stop. I was down to a very tiny amount of Xanax. It was at the point where i did not feel worse when I made a daily cut, but I didn't feel better either. I poured out the last of my liquid and that was the end of it.

 

Healing was not immediate, and I'm not 100 percent yet. But, I am much, much better.

 

Now I am able to go out and get together with other people. I can talk and laugh. I can think and plan. I can now have a beer now and then with no setbacks, although I don't have much taste for it these days. Still, I can have one if I want.

 

Insomnia has been my biggest long term issue. I had some insomnia issues which is part of the reason i was told to take Xanax. During taper and afterwards, my sleep was a nightmare (yes - sarcasm intended and yes I can laugh these days). Now I sleep a couple of chunks for 2 or 3 hours every night and sometimes a little better.

 

Anyone reading this . . . know that it is possible to get off this junk. And, it is possible to heal. I won't pretend to have had the hardest time here getting off Xanax, but I did lose my job and most of my family and friends. I was sick enough to get put on permanent disability. I had some serious falls and almost lost my leg overseas in a hospital where I did not speak the language.

 

I am thankful to not be on a benzo now. I feel much better. Every few weeks or months, I notice that I've made more progress. And, I am happy.

Lilyann,

 

Thanks for sharing your journey through withdrawal and recovery, you sure had some rough times. But, you persevered and it was worth it, reading that you can do so much now. You are now enjoying the company of others, talking and laughing. How wonderful!  Thank you for this, others will find great hope in your words.

 

pianogirl 

Lily thanks for sharing your story. I pray you gain more friends and live a happy benzo free new life. There’s so many here that need people like you who are doing well to let us know. So thank you for taking the time to do that.

Hugs 🤗

Lilyann,

 

Thank you so much for sharing with us!  I'm sorry for all the torture you endured but glad you can enjoy so many things now.  You are kind to come back and encourage us.

 

Take good care,

Helen

Thanks all! I must say that in w/d, this space made me intensely anxious. I simply wasn't able to tell what and who was real or not. A couple of people had actual photos, and my 3D issues made that wonky like the planes of the faces did not line up as they should. So, it was scary coming here, although I desperately needed the information. I'm thankful that I kept reading stories that others posted and was able to figure out the problem and fix it.