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4 years off - back to living life - after 21 years on Benzos!


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I had always dreamed of coming back to BB with a story about how I fully recovered. It has been 4 years (and a couple weeks) since my last shard of lorazepam in January 2018. The year 2018 was a lost year for me - months and months of little to no sleep. Panic attacks. Couldn't hold food down. Craziness. A little over one year later, in February 2019, with the help of some real friends who cared about me, I was able to work again. Of course, it was crawl-walk-run kind of process. When they suggested I go back to work late in 2018, I said you've got to be kidding, I will never work again -- I'm a shell of what I was and, at best, would only be a fraction of myself, if anything at all. They said, we'll take a fraction of you over anybody else any day. They believed in me.

 

I agreed to try. It was tough and I was scared. Little by little, I was able to show up at the office and grit through it. It got better and better. I got stronger. I am real close to retirement age but retirement is the last thing I want to do (at this time anyway). I really feel like I am doing my best work that I have ever done. Even during Covid, I travelled all over. I am healthy, in great shape, and loving life with a new appreciation, especially given the time lost. Once a week psychotherapy (for the past 5 years) was invaluable and I do not really feel any stress in my life now. I am now meeting once a month and we are talking about wrapping it up. I sleep well and I am not on ANY meds (except Crestor for my cholesterol, damnit). (Somehow) I learned how to compartmentalize and I very effectively shove anxious thoughts to the side. I was gnarled up for years and the only thing that bugs me these days, in terms of negative thinking, is why I couldn't figure this way of living out decades ago.

 

Maybe you have to pass through the fires of hell to show yourself that you can not only survive, but thrive. I never thought I would be writing this in my life, but here I am.

 

I am grateful to my family, friends and BB. Whenever I think back to 2017 and 2018, my worst years of withdrawal, despair and pain, I wince a bit at the vivid memory of it all. I occasionally shed a tear about it as well. I do know that I reached very deep, far deeper within my soul to gut it out than I ever thought was humanly possible. It turned me into one tough hombre in terms of dealing with whatever life throws at me now.

 

I want you all to know that this is your destiny too. I pray for you and I root for you to get on the other side.

 

I did not often understand, especially in my worst moments, that my Benzo Buddies were saying that "time" was the key factor in beating this. There are no shortcuts and you can feel like you are counting all 86,400 seconds in each day. It is unfortunate, but so true. It's a long climb.

 

Of course, this does not mean that simply counting the seconds, hours, days, weeks, months and, maybe, years is all you have to do. There is work to be done. There are differences in people and their personalities, so there is no one answer. That is frustrating! How the hell, then, as diminished as we all are when we hit bottom, are we supposed to be able to figure out what to do -- what our particular plan must be?

 

Looking back, I think that the backbone of your recovery starts with your will and commitment to survive. You have to decide that you are going to go for it -- it cannot be done for you. It sucks. Then it sucks some more. Then it really, really sucks. Finally, something breaks through. You build on it. You fall back, maybe, but you want to go back to that break through moment again. Eventually, you get there. You damn straight will!

 

There is also a moment where you realize that you (may) have to step away from BB. My last post was August 24th of 2018 and I was not doing so good. in fact, I dropped off online entirely. No more Google searches researching symptoms and side effects. My doctor told me my "sleep architecture" was damaged and it might be many more months, and maybe years, to get it back. So, seeing the agony of others, researching all the bad things that might happen from the meds and hearing another doctor tell me how damaged I was -- well none of that messaging was helping me and was actually sapping my already diminished strength.

 

This is just my story. Take what you need, disregard what does not resonate with your thinking and beliefs. Just know that it is possible to go from not thinking that it ever going to get better to outcomes that are very acceptable. You can get there too!

 

I'll end this by saying as sincerely as I can say it: God bless you all. I think about you all the time. You will survive - and thrive again.

 

** Note - I also posted this in Benzo Free Celebrations and Milestones **

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Looking back, I think that the backbone of your recovery starts with your will and commitment to survive. You have to decide that you are going to go for it -- it cannot be done for you. It sucks. Then it sucks some more. Then it really, really sucks. Finally, something breaks through. You build on it. You fall back, maybe, but you want to go back to that break through moment again. Eventually, you get there. You damn straight will!

 

Congratulations!  Wow.  This quote was exactly what I needed to hear this morning!

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Looking back, I think that the backbone of your recovery starts with your will and commitment to survive. You have to decide that you are going to go for it -- it cannot be done for you. It sucks. Then it sucks some more. Then it really, really sucks. Finally, something breaks through. You build on it. You fall back, maybe, but you want to go back to that break through moment again. Eventually, you get there. You damn straight will!

 

Congratulations!  Wow.  This quote was exactly what I needed to hear this morning!

 

Thanks JBen. I remember on my second jump anniversary, I cried a bit, mostly from remembering how bad it was. The keyword is, of course, is "was". If I cry now, it is because of how happy I am to have put it behind me. It is quite a skill to learn to isolate anxiety and anxious thoughts as something you can put in a box and put somewhere. Never thought I would be able to do that. It is truly liberating. Hope you get there and you win your challenge prize!

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what an awesome story - and so true how much more beautiful life is on the other  side.  there are no short cuts or magic pills to get through this..... sounds like you really learned a lot through the process and are thriving now  - congrats!!
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TooManyBennies,

 

Congratulations to you on a job well done! I'm so glad you are healthy and enjoying your life. Thank you a million times over for returning to this site to share your story and give us hope.  It gives me renewed hope and trust that I too will heal. 

 

Bless you and thank you,

Helen

 

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Congrats to you Bennies! This was much needed for those of us still trying to get to the other side of this. I’m reminded that the best person to tell someone not to drink is an alcoholic. Why? Because he experienced it and now sober to tell others that it can be done. So thank you for coming back with care in your heart to give such a hopeful testimony. May you continue to go on to live your best life.
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Thanks LadyDen. I was at my primary care doctor today, who was really good to me during the worst of my times. She had a nurse practitioner trainee with her and made the comment that I was the worst case of withdrawal she has ever seen in her 28 years of practice. In the same conversation, we of course celebrated the fact that I recovered fully. I told her that I feel better than when I was 20 years younger!
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Too Many Bennies, thank you for posting this! I am in month 18 post jump from Lorazepam and still experiencing some symptoms like intrusive thoughts. I did some math on your recovery time line and according to my calculations you were completely healed in about 13 months? Does this sound correct? I thought I would be completely healed in 1 year post jump but no...then I thought maybe 18 months...now maybe 2 years. Reading your story renews my hope that I WILL completely heal. It just seems to be taking a heck of a long time for me. This is a marathon and definitely not a sprint for me. If you could clarify how long it took until you were completely healed it would be great. Thanks again for returning and giving us hope here on BB, we need all we can get! Andy
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Too Many Bennies, thank you for posting this! I am in month 18 post jump from Lorazepam and still experiencing some symptoms like intrusive thoughts. I did some math on your recovery time line and according to my calculations you were completely healed in about 13 months? Does this sound correct? I thought I would be completely healed in 1 year post jump but no...then I thought maybe 18 months...now maybe 2 years. Reading your story renews my hope that I WILL completely heal. It just seems to be taking a heck of a long time for me. This is a marathon and definitely not a sprint for me. If you could clarify how long it took until you were completely healed it would be great. Thanks again for returning and giving us hope here on BB, we need all we can get! Andy

Hi AndyinFlorida! At 13 months after jumping, I was encouraged to go back to work by some colleagues, which I did, but I have to tell you I was really shaky. It took another 5-6 months before I started to feel even stronger and had more windows than waves. In rough terms, I would say I was about 2/3rds healed after 13 months, which was enough to be very functional and it put me on the road to get to 95% after 2 years. Things are really great now and have been for some time. So, yes -- you will completely heal. The timing depends on a lot of things -- our genetics for one. Hope you get to 100% soon! I know you will.

 

 

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Congratulations ToomanyBennies!!  Your story brought tears to my eyes!! So happy you are free and healed!! You have some very good friends!!

Best of luck to you!!!!

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Thank you sooo much TooManyBennies.  Your story means so much to us that are still struggling. I’m a little over 7 months off after 30 years Ativan… yes 30.  You are confirming that it does get WAY better.  I’m sooo happy for you and wish you every good thing.  I hope to be pretty fearless after this… that’s my greatest hope actually. 

Well done soldier!!

Feelingfire

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Thank you sooo much TooManyBennies.  Your story means so much to us that are still struggling. I’m a little over 7 months off after 30 years Ativan… yes 30.  You are confirming that it does get WAY better.  I’m sooo happy for you and wish you every good thing.  I hope to be pretty fearless after this… that’s my greatest hope actually. 

Well done soldier!!

Feelingfire

Thanks feelingfire. You have really made impressive progress after so long on Ativan. It is really strong medicine -- I remember when I first looked at the conversion charts and saw that Ativan was 10x Valium, so when I was at 4.5mg, it was like taking 45mgs of Valium. That should knock out a horse! You are well on your way at 7 months. Ativan will try to make it difficult to make you fall back into its clutches, but you are getting close to being over the hump! It does get way better. I think I will see your success story sometime this summer!

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  • 5 months later...
It's been about 4 months and just stopped by to check how everybody is doing. I am retiring from my job in 2 weeks and on to the next chapter of living life. There is hope everybody and you will get there! God bless!
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Hey TooManyBennies, thanks for checking back in. Congrats on retiring! And thank you for letting all of us here on BenzoBuddies that you're healed. I'm coming up on 2 years on August 14th, 2022. I'm still not completely healed  but I certainly am in the 90% range. I still have I trusive thoughts and muscle fasciculations. I take asthma medication which causes anxiety, but enables me to breathe much better and less painfully than if I didn't take it. I'm looking forward to more healing. I'm glad I didn't know it would take this long in the beginning.
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Too Many Bennies,

 

Thanks for checking back in and congratulations on your retirement! It's really so kind of you to share your life with us.  I'm 14 months off all meds and very slowly but surely seeing progress.  It's very gradual and takes twists and turns and peaks and then dips again but I can tell things are shifting.  It's so helpful to know that the process works.

 

Enjoy your retirement! 

 

Thank you,

Helen

 

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Bennies! Awesome you’re still doing well 4 months later and looking forward to retirement. I wish you all the joy you can hold! Very kind of you to check on us. We need all the supportive love we can get.

Thank you for being a great person!

I’m having the 2 year milestone wave for nearly 2 months now. It might be peaking finally. We shall see…

It’s almost like a second acute but milder for sure. Sucks! But I’m remaining steadfast in my belief of healing. It’s happening in the background. I’m excited to embrace it as it unfolds. At 25 1/2 months, I’m so ready to have much closer to normal days. I really need my normal life restored. It’s been a bedridden crap show. So I’m waiting for the hard work my brain endured to manifest the rewards.  :thumbsup:

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