Protracted and Healed

Hi Everyone,

 

It's Misty93. I haven't been on Benzo Buddies in a few years.

 

It got better. I got better. I am healed and living life again: SLEEPING, cooking, driving, shopping, reading, interacting with my kids, laughing, looking for a job, etc. etc. etc.

 

I stopped frequenting BB as I had given up hope of ever getting better, but I did.

 

What Baylissa and all the others said is true: it does end.

 

I will post in more detail but wanted to let everyone know I healed. There were messages in my inbox from people who had seen my old posts and how desperate I was and who were wondering what things were like now.

 

Keep going. You will get there too.

 

 

Jean

Thank you Misty93, your story will help so many who feel just like you did, you've done a wonderful thing by coming back.  I hope you'll stick around to answer the questions I'm sure you'll get. 

This is an encouraging story, I think not many protracted come back to say they’ve healed, and I get that, so thank you, there are many protracted who need this, including me, I desperately look for hope when feeling so defeated, and not from not trying.

 

I relate to all your symptoms, plus some others that have crept in, more physical.  I get awful health fears now, and get frustrated with myself. I know acceptance is important, but it’s sooooo hard when protracted. Did you feel this? I also wonder how did you keep hope alive? And did you ever think this must be in you, the thoughts are condemning, and you can’t access before this? I know it’s there, but don’t if that makes sense, it breaks my heart. I feel sort of lost, but have in reality achieved so much in life, but cannot recognise it one bit. The disconnect is so thick. Did your healing just happen?

 

I’m really pleased to read a rare protracted story,  and how wonderful you got your life back. I’m sure others will be encouraged, I hope so.

Yes, thanks so much for coming back to share your good news! I wish you all the best. If you can share more of your story, I'd be very interested to know more about your journey to health.

Lapis, thank you so much for linking to this! Youre an angel. 

 

Jean, Congratulations! YOU DID IT! THIS IS HUGE!  :clap:

So happy to hear, it brings hope to all of us still stuck around here.

 

 

I'm happy to share good news when it's available, new0girl! 

Hi Everyone,

 

I will post details in the next couple of days. I know how important it is to hear specifics of what someone went through so you can see that despite the terrible physical, mental, and emotional suffering, your body does heal.

 

Time heals: During my withdrawal and recovery two things I constantly said to my husband were: "I can't accept this," and "I've erased myself." I fought against the process; I hoped that somehow, if I struggled enough against it, I could break free from it. But as your name says, time heals. That's the secret ingredient. And even if you feel like you no longer exist, you are still in there, just hibernating while your brain repairs itself. You will emerge again.

 

Tonight my husband and I went out to a movie and then dinner. It amazes me that when I was sick going out like this was absolute torture (the noise, the lights, the people -- it was all too stimulating; and it took all of my energy just to shower and dress myself, and then I hated every minute I was out) and now I can just sit back, relax, and enjoy being in my skin.

 

Distract yourself in whatever way you can, if only for a few minutes. I think I watched  every video on YouTube as I sat curled up on my couch day after day, trying to forget the pain I was in and the mental torture I was experiencing.

 

Deep breath. Keep going.

 

Jean

That's amazing! Sounds truly delightful to once again enjoy being in your own skin. A real gift.

Hi Everyone,

 

It's Misty93. I haven't been on Benzo Buddies in a few years.

 

It got better. I got better. I am healed and living life again: SLEEPING, cooking, driving, shopping, reading, interacting with my kids, laughing, looking for a job, etc. etc. etc.

 

I stopped frequenting BB as I had given up hope of ever getting better, but I did.

 

What Baylissa and all the others said is true: it does end.

 

I will post in more detail but wanted to let everyone know I healed. There were messages in my inbox from people who had seen my old posts and how desperate I was and who were wondering what things were like now.

 

Keep going. You will get there too.

 

 

Jean

Thank you... Looking forward to your next post. Need these stories that healing is real. I feel like my real self died. It's so scary and lonely.

6 years off here and never healed, when did you turned a corner ?

 

I saw you jumped on march 2014 , i jumped in july 2014 and never recovered the withdrawal gave me neurological dysotonomia now and am in the worse wave ever 6 years off.

 

Healing is a big lottery

Thanks, but I does not sound like you had bad withdrawal symptoms for more than 18 months at one time, unless I am reading things wrong.  Thanks anyways for thinking of us.

Marja2, I had withdrawal symptoms for 5 years: intractable insomnia, severe head pain and pressure, burning skin, muscle spasms, severe emotional numbness, chemical anxiety and terror, severe cognitive impairment, and others.

 

I was so gutted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually that I researched ways to kill myself. I never had windows. It was just a glacially slow process, so slow that it was hard to see progress. I went from feeling like I had my finger in an electrical socket during acute and post-acute withdrawal, to feeling like a zombie and a burned out shell of myself while protracted.

 

The reason I was not on BB for the last few years was not that I was better, but that I had given up hope of healing and so didn't even bother to come here anymore to post.

Misty, that's intense. Again, I appreciate that you've come back to share some good news with us. Lots of people just leave and don't come back, and as a result, those of us still in trenches have less access to positive, uplifting stories. These are essential stories. Of course, no one HAS to come back and post, but it's a beautiful, thoughtful, compassionate thing to do.

 

Thank you. 

Marja2, I had withdrawal symptoms for 5 years: intractable insomnia, severe head pain and pressure, burning skin, muscle spasms, severe emotional numbness, chemical anxiety and terror, severe cognitive impairment, and others.

 

I was so gutted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually that I researched ways to kill myself. I never had windows. It was just a glacially slow process, so slow that it was hard to see progress. I went from feeling like I had my finger in an electrical socket during acute and post-acute withdrawal, to feeling like a zombie and a burned out shell of myself while protracted.

 

The reason I was not on BB for the last few years was not that I was better, but that I had given up hope of healing and so didn't even bother to come here anymore to post.

 

We’re u functional at all? Could u work or do any activities of daily living?

Misty93, I'm now 23 months off benzos and about 20.5 months off alcohol. I'm still struggling with symptoms on a daily basis. Let me explain to you what withdrawal has been like for me and see if you can relate to any of this.

 

When I first quit, I felt like I was going insane and I didn't sleep for like a month. Then my sleep randomly came back at like 2.5 months off everything. However, around that time, I got severely depressed. From months 2.5 to about month 14 I was extremely depressed. I had to be doing things all the time just to make sure I stayed occupied to not end my life.

 

Then around month 11 the depression slowly shifted into anger and I was afraid to be around people from about month 12 to more recently like month 21 or so. My sleep has fluctuated through all this. As of late, I'm sleeping again and not feeling as angry but I feel depressed again but it's more of an exhausted depression and all I want to do is sleep and lay in bed. Did you start noticing improvements when you started sleeping consistently again?

 

Also, throughout this whole process I've had burning skin. It never goes away or lets up.

Lapis2, thank you for your kind words. If not for the support and encouragement of someone who had been through this before me (he texted me every day, frequently talked with me on the phone) I never would have made it. I felt so insane, and in fact, WAS totally irrational at times, but he kept telling me it would end, I would get better, to keep going.

 

Ptsdmiracle, I was BARELY functional. My body was in such shock, and  I was so weak, that it took me all morning to work up the energy to take a shower--many days I thought I would collapse right there and die and my husband would come home to find me after work. Afterward, I would have to sit and rest. It got to the point where I just didn't shower for days at a time. I wore the same thing day after day. It was extremely difficult to move, to raise my arms over my head to get dressed. I moved in slow motion. At times my body felt spastic and like I didn't have control over it. On top of that, I felt so confused (like a combination of being drunk and punched in the head) that I couldn't decide what to put on. Cognitively, everything was overwhelming and confusing.

 

I didn't work, didn't drive, didn't grocery shop, didn't go to family functions, and for the first couple of years, couldn't even tolerate talking to people for too long or watching TV or listening to music. It felt like an assault on my nervous system. I sat curled up on the couch most days.

 

boomboxboy21, I experienced burning skin for about the first two and a half years, then that lifted. I had severe insomnia the entire 5 years, that was the symptom that was the last to go. I was either awake all night or would get micro sleeps, and then later in withdrawal, an hour here and there of light sleep. I never felt tired or sleepy during the day. It was like my sleep mechanism was broken. I existed in this constant state of being awake but never feeling alert. I was also depressed (as anyone would be in this situation) and experienced a lot of benzo rage. I couldn't feel love or joy for several years, but I definitely could feel anger.

 

While our brain is repairing and up-regulating receptors, everything will seem off: your feelings, your perceptions, your abilities. Think of it like a construction zone: it seems like one big chaotic mess, but work is actually being done. You just have to be patient. Distract yourself with even the littlest thing that can give you a moment away from thinking about what you are going through. Try to eat as well as possible to aid your body in healing, and do some walking (even around your house) if you can to increase blood flow to your brain. This can be a long process. But it is a process that has an end.

Thank u for answering. Can I ask if u were to put a % to ur healing now what would u rate ur self? Also did u have any scary mental symptoms? Like phobias or paranoias?

I am 6 years off and never had any windows, when will this end ? Did you suddenly turned a corner 5 years off and realized you were fine ?

 

You say you didnt drive go shopping etc for years ? How did it happened when you went back ? Its like suddenly 5 years off you felt able to go drive etc ?

Thanks for posting.  I am 19 months off and still pretty sick. Now it is mostly itchy skin and itchy eyes, tinnitus, nausea, anxiety.  I am hoping to get better, but know it will probably be a while yet.  Thanks again.  Marja

Misty,

  Thank you for your inspiring account of healing. I'm happy to know you are well after such a long difficult period. Your time and words are appreciated. It's easy to think the time of full healing will never come when it takes so long. You prove it does... thank you!

 

With gratitude,

Carita

“I had severe insomnia the entire 5 years, that was the symptom that was the last to go. I was either awake all night or would get micro sleeps, and then later in withdrawal, an hour here and there of light sleep. I never felt tired or sleepy during the day. It was like my sleep mechanism was broken. I existed in this constant state of being awake but never feeling alert.”

 

Misty,

I could have written the exact same thing! Still struggling with sleep at 5 years off. I’m going through menopause at 51 years old and think it is contributing to the insomnia. So happy to hear your success story,  it does give me hope!

“I had severe insomnia the entire 5 years, that was the symptom that was the last to go. I was either awake all night or would get micro sleeps, and then later in withdrawal, an hour here and there of light sleep. I never felt tired or sleepy during the day. It was like my sleep mechanism was broken. I existed in this constant state of being awake but never feeling alert.”

 

Misty,

I could have written the exact same thing! Still struggling with sleep at 5 years off. I’m going through menopause at 51 years old and think it is contributing to the insomnia. So happy to hear your success story,  it does give me hope!

 

I definitely think that perimenopause/menopause play a role in sleep issues, Niners. Insomnia is a well-known symptom. (And yes, I have it too!)

Hi Misty,

I'm glad you've healed. I'm 3 1/5 years off without real windows and it's always encouraging to hear from someone who made it to the other side of this, especially when you're protracted.

 

My question is, how did you turn the corner? Did things start to improve finally fairly rapidly? Or was it imperceptibly slow and you gradually saw certain things improve? Not enough people on here talk about turning the corner.. probably because they're out living or even just don't want to jinx it. Fair enough.

“I had severe insomnia the entire 5 years, that was the symptom that was the last to go. I was either awake all night or would get micro sleeps, and then later in withdrawal, an hour here and there of light sleep. I never felt tired or sleepy during the day. It was like my sleep mechanism was broken. I existed in this constant state of being awake but never feeling alert.”

 

Misty,

I could have written the exact same thing! Still struggling with sleep at 5 years off. I’m going through menopause at 51 years old and think it is contributing to the insomnia. So happy to hear your success story,  it does give me hope!

 

 

Has your sleep improved in between those 5 years?

Hi Everyone,

 

It's Misty93. I haven't been on Benzo Buddies in a few years.

 

It got better. I got better. I am healed and living life again: SLEEPING, cooking, driving, shopping, reading, interacting with my kids, laughing, looking for a job, etc. etc. etc.

 

I stopped frequenting BB as I had given up hope of ever getting better, but I did.

 

What Baylissa and all the others said is true: it does end.

 

I will post in more detail but wanted to let everyone know I healed. There were messages in my inbox from people who had seen my old posts and how desperate I was and who were wondering what things were like now.

 

Keep going. You will get there too.

 

 

Jean

 

Jean,

 

Your success story came at a time when I very much needed to hear that sleep does come back.  I am now 16 months post-taper and am desperately clinging to the hope that I will someday be fully relaxed and able to sleep again like I used to.  I am married with a 12 year old son and I want nothing more than to get back to a place of normalcy.  My sleep is the last remaining barrier. 

 

Our stories are somewhat similar with the sudden onset of anxiety.  I injured my neck in 2017 while working out.  A month after the injury when things weren't improving, I had a panic attack that brought on constant anxiety and insomnia.  I lost 30 lbs. in 3 months.  For 16 months I trialed multiple drugs and eventually tapered off of Ativan.  It was hell!  Acute for me lasted about 6-8 months and while a lot has improved my sleep is still not good. 

 

I am stuck in this cycle of getting some sleep one night (4-6 hours) and then only a couple hours the next night.  I still cannot nap, but I am starting to feel very tired in the afternoon when one might naturally take a nap.  I am presently doing CBT for insomnia through the University of Pennsylvania.  It's enabled me to get off melatonin for sleep and realize that I CAN sleep on my own.  I still take magnesium and a couple tart cherry pills, but I honestly don't think they have much impact and plan to stop them too.  It's your sleep drive that enables you to sleep.  I just have a feeling it's going to take more time for my brain and body to get me to the point of sleeping normally and consistently.  I'm not striving for 8 hours, just some reasonable amount where I feel good everyday. 

 

How did your sleep return over the past several years?  What helped?  What didn't?  Are you able to nap again?  Did the natural feeling of sleepiness return?  How are you sleeping now?  Sorry for all the questions, but it helps to hear from someone who's been through it.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Thank you!