...and it was all OK

"On a night of rain... the grey rain curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back" - The Lord of the Rings

 

I truly thought for a time that I would never make it. I was such a mess of raging anxiety, dizziness, agitation, and overall yucky and disinterested feelings. But I made it. I'm on the other side. And looking back at the rain clouds in the distance behind me, I can see it for what it was: a fog of horror that was just an illusion. It was not life. It was just a period of struggling on the way back to the light. Life is the experience of the consequences of the choices you make. And if you make the choice to do the right thing, and stick to it, and keep looking up even when it is the darkest, the positive consequence of that choice will finally win out.

 

I cannot even describe the horrors I felt. The sleepless nights that dragged on for days on end. The raging anxiety that was so palpable I felt it would physically burn me up. I almost forgot the feeling of the fresh outdoor air. It all seems a blur to me now that my brain is actively forgetting. A blessing it can be... to forget.

 

I can't say I always kept looking up. I can't say I always held to the strong faith in the Goodness of God that I profess to believe in. At times I thought I would end. That my story would end in misery and despair and terror. And there were nights where I lurked on this forum, desperately reading the stories of others, looking for some sliver of hope to carry me on. I watched a ton of movies for pure distraction when I couldn't hope. There are probably movies that I will never watch again because they will provoke horrible memories.

 

But I'm alive. I'm interviewing for new jobs. I visited the hospital today to see my sister and brother in law holding their first child, tears in eyes. I'm running with the dog. I'm strolling on the beach watching the sun setting. The anxiety still surges to my head at times, and is pushed back by the realization that life is beautiful. It is just so beautiful. Through all the darkness and evil, good always shines through. God is good.

 

I'm alive. I'll always carry the problems that got me into this mess with benzodiazepines in the first place. But I'm ready to look at life once again, and say that my story isn't finished. That by the Grace of God, it will still be amazing.

 

Thank you to all on here. You were my lifeline when I had no other place to go. And to all who are just beginning, or in the middle of the struggle - hold onto whatever you can to get through each moment. Do not imagine days or months from the present. Take it one day at a time. You can always muster the strength to face one day. And one day, the grey rain curtain rolls back. It is not your life. It's not the end. It's just a drug confusing your mind. One day, you will realize you're going to make it.

 

Take care and press on, my friends. In a divided and conflicted world, a forum of complete strangers from all over the world became my best friends. And in the end, seeing that is the greatest light that came out of the darkest time of my life. Even as my memory of the horrors of clonazepam withdrawal fade, I'll never forget that.

 

Icefield

That was beautiful. So glad that you are healed and living again.

 

Congratulations.

What you have written moved me to tears.  You sound like a wise and beautiful soul. I am so happy for you. What you said and the way you said it particularly spoke to me. Thank you for taking the time to write it and wishing you all the best. 💙❤️💜💚

congrats on healing and reclaiming your life!  you described things so well.  life truly is beautiful in a new way after you've healed from benzo withdrawal horror.

loved this! Thank you.

 

Please tell us how long the worse lasted?

 

Congrats 💙 Surviving this is a huge accomplishment!!! So happy you are free and have your life back!

Icefield,

 

What a beautiful post. Your visualizations perfectly describe how many of us felt or still feel. Congratulations on your recovery!!!

 

You are doing what we want everyone to do once they've reached the light at the end of the tunnel: enjoy each and every moment of the day, savor life's experiences and L I V E.

 

Thank you for writing this.

 

pianogirl 

"On a night of rain... the grey rain curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back" - The Lord of the Rings

 

I truly thought for a time that I would never make it. I was such a mess of raging anxiety, dizziness, agitation, and overall yucky and disinterested feelings. But I made it. I'm on the other side. And looking back at the rain clouds in the distance behind me, I can see it for what it was: a fog of horror that was just an illusion. It was not life. It was just a period of struggling on the way back to the light. Life is the experience of the consequences of the choices you make. And if you make the choice to do the right thing, and stick to it, and keep looking up even when it is the darkest, the positive consequence of that choice will finally win out.

 

I cannot even describe the horrors I felt. The sleepless nights that dragged on for days on end. The raging anxiety that was so palpable I felt it would physically burn me up. I almost forgot the feeling of the fresh outdoor air. It all seems a blur to me now that my brain is actively forgetting. A blessing it can be... to forget.

 

I can't say I always kept looking up. I can't say I always held to the strong faith in the Goodness of God that I profess to believe in. At times I thought I would end. That my story would end in misery and despair and terror. And there were nights where I lurked on this forum, desperately reading the stories of others, looking for some sliver of hope to carry me on. I watched a ton of movies for pure distraction when I couldn't hope. There are probably movies that I will never watch again because they will provoke horrible memories.

 

But I'm alive. I'm interviewing for new jobs. I visited the hospital today to see my sister and brother in law holding their first child, tears in eyes. I'm running with the dog. I'm strolling on the beach watching the sun setting. The anxiety still surges to my head at times, and is pushed back by the realization that life is beautiful. It is just so beautiful. Through all the darkness and evil, good always shines through. God is good.

 

I'm alive. I'll always carry the problems that got me into this mess with benzodiazepines in the first place. But I'm ready to look at life once again, and say that my story isn't finished. That by the Grace of God, it will still be amazing.

 

Thank you to all on here. You were my lifeline when I had no other place to go. And to all who are just beginning, or in the middle of the struggle - hold onto whatever you can to get through each moment. Do not imagine days or months from the present. Take it one day at a time. You can always muster the strength to face one day. And one day, the grey rain curtain rolls back. It is not your life. It's not the end. It's just a drug confusing your mind. One day, you will realize you're going to make it.

 

Take care and press on, my friends. In a divided and conflicted world, a forum of complete strangers from all over the world became my best friends. And in the end, seeing that is the greatest light that came out of the darkest time of my life. Even as my memory of the horrors of clonazepam withdrawal fade, I'll never forget that.

 

Icefield

Hi Icefield,

 

Thank you so much for your reassuring story. I’m struggling through a wave of suicidal depression currently. Did you struggle with thoughts of suicide when you were going through withdrawal? Sorry I can’t write a more detailed question, I can hardly concentrate on anything right now. 

Hellbutrin - I believe that anyone who goes through the horrors that you and I have will probably have those thoughts at some point. I know I did, but they were never severe enough to make me think I might actually act on them. I'm not an expert on how to cope with severe thoughts of self-harm, so please reach out to people who are if they get to that point. It is really hard to deal rationally with the effects of withdrawal, because your brain is being confused by a drug, but in the more clear moments, it is crucially important to give yourself reasons to go on. Set some small and very attainable goals, and when the going gets super rough and you can't even work on the small goals, don't beat yourself up. Just take it one day at a time. Tell yourself you have to get through that one rough day, and you'll be back to your project tomorrow.

I couldn't do this when I was in the worst of it, because I couldn't concentrate on anything, but if you have the ability, it really helped me during recovery to listen to inspirational podcasts. TUNE OUT the news and politics, and only consume positive media. I think one of my biggest mistakes is that I'm a political junkie, and I kept consuming the news through my withdrawal. Doesn't matter who or what you support, there is just way too much hate and negativity. I should probably tune it out a lot more even when I'm healthy, but we certainly need to avoid that stuff when we're going through withdrawal anxiety/depression. The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes is a great podcast of positive inspiration that was a great recovery tool for me. While I havent been through as rough a patch as you are going through with respect to these harmful thoughts, I can say that you are molded by what you dwell on. You have to find a way to pump a steady diet of positive thought into your head. I wish you all the best for reaching a better place very soon.

 

hopeinhim - I was really bad for the months of April, May, and June of 2017. July was off and on, but I was more positive because I was having a lot of good days in between the really bad days. It has taken me a while to be able to write a success story, because I'm still struggling with processing what I went through, and how to go forward with life now. My mind seems like it is blocking those bad times out like a period of trauma almost. But I realized the other day that I am where I wanted so badly to be during those bad months. I have my life back, and I'm able to feel love, joy, and peace again. Even though my finances are in shambles from the past year of horror, and I still struggle with the anxiety periods that I had before going onto the benzos, I am back in the drivers seat of my life, with control over mind and body. That was what I did not have, and what I so desperately hoped to get back during those months of misery. And so I felt it was time to share my success. I'm not perfect. Never was, never will be. But I am free of benzos and their effects on my brain. And I want everyone who may read this thread on a dark night in the midst of withdrawal to know that freedom isn't just for a select few. My brain convinced me I would never see it. But I made it. And you will too. These drugs are powerful, but our bodies were designed to heal. And in time, we really do. It's not an empty hope. It is our design.

 

pianogirl and all the other admins and moderators - I can't thank you enough for maintaining this forum. I have friends and family who tried to help me, but I felt so alone until I found this forum. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been to go through this process without this group of people. No matter what wild problem I had each day, there was someone on here who could relate completely. I wish I could send thank you cards and fruit baskets to a hundred people on here, but we're all anonymous, which is how it needs to be to share freely. So all I can say is, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all!

I have tears in my eyes after reading this. It’s exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you so much for sharing

Thank you for success story.  I continue to read a success story daily which gives me hope that one day soon I will be healed.  Wishing you lots of joy and love for your life. 

Thank you, Arkansas!

I wish you a wonderful, reclaimed life as well! I’m glad you are focusing on hope and positivity. I really believe that dwelling on negativity and despair is almost or even as destructive as a benzo. The body follows the mind. As your brain heals, if your mind is relentlessly optimistic and hopeful, your body will eventually respond well to that healing. I know from my experience that it not easy to feel anything but despair when the bad days and sleepless nights drag on and on. All I know is that, when I finally was able to believe deep inside me that I was going to get better, something changed. Even though I had a ways to go yet in my recovery, that was the point where I’d say I burst out of the tunnel. I know your experience is different from mine, because all of us are unique and are effected differently by these drugs, but I hope if you continue to focus on success and and optimism, you’re success story will be written soon.

couldn't agree with you more ice field.  this is why the placebo effect is so strong.  if the mind believes the body is benefitting / healing - it does...... unfortunately - like you said - it's hard to dig deep and find that positivity while things are going so horribly wrong but like you - when i was finally able to shift my mindset - things really started to turn around!

Thank you icefield for a beautiful and inspiring success story ! I wish you all the best on your journey.

MiYu

Icefield-

 

You brought me to tears. 

 

I am early in the struggle and only on here today to read success stories.  Yours is beautifully written. 

 

I wish you a wonderful life.

 

Angel

That was a great post Icefield.  It seems the last few days have had many success stories and I for one am really glad and heartened to hear them.  So glad for you 

Thanks Icefield, you helped me enormously.  Congratulations, and enjoy all of those beautiful days to the max.  So happy for you.

 

Dee 

Though you suffered so much you had a relatively short healing time. That in itself is very inspiring and shows the incredible healing the brain is capable of. Enjoy your new lease on life. Hopefully I will be able to write my success story before 2018 is over.

Icefield-

 

Thank you so much for for posting. This moved me to tears.  It's always so helpful to hear from others who have made it out of this nightmare.  And your advice on taking one day at a time is how we have been trying to get through this.  We just keep surviving each day, telling ourselves that one day we will wake up and things will be better. Thanks again. 

Icefield, thank you for giving me hope. I cried through your journey and smiled at your victory.

I hope I eventually get there.

 

Thank you, thank you friend.  What a nice and thoughtful writing.  You made my day and many more because I am sure I will read your story many many times. I wish you all the best in your new life.

 

Mary

Bump

You should write a book. Your words are eloquent. My God I wish I had a success story coming but way too much trauma and loss I'm afraid. What a lovely story though!!!!

Bump

Bump 

This success story is so beautiful and well written that I had to bump it in case some other buddies missed it.

 

God is good…all the time!