Meaningful Corner in Protracted!

Dear Buddies,

 

Today I want to share with you a deep and meaningful corner I seem finally be turning in my healing journey. It has taken such a long time to get to where I am now, you see, I started heavy medication in 2004 at the age of 21 and never got to know myself as an adult. Never got to heal from the wounds of life which got me on meds in the first place, just getting worse and worse as the months and years went by… like so many of you. 

 

For now, I will spare you my tapers and even the story of my first 5 years off drugs. Just know that those were some very dark times of my life, yet I always knew that all I ever wanted was to come home to myself, to reconnect to my true and authentic self. I just wanted to be ME, and I’d give it my absolute everything.

 

When I got off all drugs in 2017, the first thing to emerge was my connection to people, that was actually one of the only things that seemed to make sense in a world that appeared still very alien and scary from withdrawal and need for re-upregulation of everything that all those years on meds had downregulated. So yes, connecting with people, feeling drawn to them, curious to hear about them and welcoming authentic connection ❤️ and for the first time in a very very very long time: making friends, real and true friends! ❤️

 

In May 2021, I had a bad bike accident where I got hit by a car and then run over by a tanker truck. I escaped with a triple fracture of the pelvis and plenty time bedridden to rethink my whole life. That’s when I decided to get the support of a therapist, and am so grateful to life for putting the most incredible woman on my path at that exact time! I have been working with her for a little over a year now, and she has helped me on so many levels. I am not just healing from meds, I am ‘healing myself from myself': working on understanding my functioning (yes there is withdrawal, but through the symptoms, you can still gain access to other things, and all of this makes you ‘you here and now’), working on my sometimes wonky relationships, on my communications, freeing myself from limiting beliefs and probably much much more, being in the midst of so much change, I have very little hindsight for the time being… It is such wonderful and empowering work, I am so excited about this new chapter of my life where physical/neurolgical healing AND psychological healing come together and open up onto a bright and welcoming new path of life!

 

My belief, dear Buddies, is that you don’t have to wait to be ‘healed’ to start rebuilding your life. And this is EMPOWERING in a process in which you feel you have zero control over, a process you must accept in order to get through, psychologically-speaking: it is all about finding that sweet spot, and believe me, one you’ve felt it… it is such a great thing!

 

My eduction is in engineering but I was never really able to do much with my life (on meds, I really never could function), but now, and to (finally!) be honest with myself, engineering might be 'intellectually interesting', but not so much… emotionally. It never spoke to my heart. It was probably more of my dear Dad's beliefs as this is HIS passion and so, with all best intentions in mind, wanted to share with me his 'recipe' for a fulfilled and financially secure life. Psychological mechanisms around that are really complex, it is so much about my relationship with him, but anyway, let me not make this too long!

 

So putting everything together, I am finally opening my heart and my eyes to values which are essential to me and what feels like ‘my calling’, what I want to do with my time on this beautiful Earth: I want to support people. it is all making sense to me now.

 

In a way, I always 'knew' deep down, but I never let myself consider such paths as professional options for myself. For others, maybe, but I would have to do something sitting at a computer, that was my definition and vision of 'work'. A little depressing, yet that was that...

 

So anyway, after also considering training to become a dietician, I believe what I am truly passionate about is coaching people, so here I am laying the first bricks of this new life I am free to create for myself. How great this feels, I have no words!

Even during the darkest of times, before I even understood what was really going on with me, I never ever stopped believing that sometime, somehow, it would perhaps get a tiny bit better, even if I didn't know when or how, or even if very much at all... or even really at all... I never ever gave up on Life. How I managed that? Faith in myself, and empowerment. Being a victim takes away all power, blame and resentment just make you even more miserable. Yes, what happened to us all is terrible, but, to me, this mindset takes even more away from you.

 

How I survived some of the past 5 years, it is sometimes a blur, but I believe my mindset was everything, and actually a guiding thread all the way to this 'new self' and life. I am so grateful I got myself to where I am now, because Life is flowing back into me, into life itself, and I can't wait to see where it all takes me... although I'll be most happy to take it one day at a time if I can! And enjoy every single second of this second chance I get at the age of 40.

 

Buddies, healing (from it all) is the most beautiful thing. 

Beautifully written.

I am so excited for you.  Your check in made me weep.  Thank you for topping up my faith.... 

Thank you for sharing your journey, Julz. I needed some encouragement today.

 

Sandy in Oklahoma🥰

Beautifully written and soul inspiring.  You have found You, the real You, and I wish only healthy, productive and happy days and years ahead for you!

 

GG

Oh dear Julz :smitten: .  I'm so glad I checked in here today to read your beautiful update! I'm so thrilled for you.  I certainly can relate to the awakening that "waiting to heal"/return to self" really just prolongs our sadness, pain, impairment, what have you. I think you'll be an amazing life coach!  You've certainly helped me, and so many here at BB.  Stay in touch please.  Xoxoxo, WR

Dear Buddies 

 

Thank you so much for your lovely replies of support, Kanoba, Janiceh, Sandy from Oklahoma, GardenGuru and NYCWaverider!  I hope my testimony brings light and hope to all those in need of something to cling onto as they navigate through the tortuous paths of this journey. I know how bleak, how permanent it feels... I've been there, seeing no light for a very long time, but we all have this flicker of life (and soul!) within us, and it keeps us going for as long as we have to. Until one fine day... 

 

I am not yet totally ok, but I know that I am headed in that direction, and so are you  :thumbs-up: It doesn't matter how long it takes, remember you have the strength this journey requires, and just like so many others before you, you will be ok, and most probably much much more than just ok.

 

I embarked on this journey off meds to come home to myself, to discover who I am, and it seems that this very chapter of my healing is slowly unfolding before my eyes. It's the best. 

 

And I haven't even told you about how fulfilled in friendship I am! Knowing that since my teenage years, I had been carrying some belief that you had to merit friends. Not so much about unconditional love and friendship, those would be hard-earned every single day by being interesting, being perfect... so there's been a real awakening there, which even began when I was in the pits of hell...

 

So back to EMPOWERMENT: don't endure this journey on all fronts, look at what you CAN do for YOURSELF and RIGHT NOW! Because YES, there are probably more things than you care to imagine

 

So please, Buddies, don't wait to heal to start living (more) 

 

Julia /Julz

 

PS: I am organizing a bit party for my 40th birthday, D-Day is tomorrow! 

  Happy Birthday Julz! 

Julz, you are such an example of what we hope for when we let benzos go - getting on with life in a new and meaningful way.  I'm so glad you shared your story and I wish you all the best!!

 

Happy Birthday dearest Julz!!!! :smitten: :smitten:

 

 

Awww! Thank you so so so so much for your lovely wishes, dear Pamster, dear Kate08 and dear Andi! 

 

September 3rd was my birthday party, and waw, let me tell you, what a great evening it was!!! I had never done that in my life, organized an event around ME, invite FRIENDS (friends, like people you feel comfortable being with, unconditional friendship??!  )... being the center of it all... I can hardly believe what I've just done and how much I loved every second of it! There were 13 of us (I'm not superstitious with that  ), I had invited more than 30 people, but that is how it is with big events. I was blessed with those who came and spent that beautiful evening with me  ... I can hardly believe what just happened. What I've just done! Pre-benzo Julia was so... so reserved, so hung up... I suffered from such inferiority complex, about how I behaved, about how I looked, about not being worthy of friendship, which, to me, was something you had to earn through being interesting, having something interesting to say, having to 're-earn worthiness' every single day... oh, the pressure! so pre-benzo Julia was shy, afraid, ashamed of herself in many ways. I even think she was an extrovert in hiding, ashamed of even wishing the things that she craved, like being able to express and assert herself. Yes, shame was something I felt very intensely, and couldn't make anything of it, nothing constructive. And the feeling probably played a big part in my 'destruction' in my late teenage years, slowly leading me to depression and anorexia.

...BUT!!! Fast forward to POST-TAPER JULIA: what immediately changed, as I wrote in my initial post, was my connection to people. And HAVING TO COPE THROUGH MONOPHOBIA for the better part of the first two years off drugs, IS WHAT ACTUALLY LEAD ME TO MAKING FRIENDS!!! Because the only way of coping with that dreadful symptom was to sign up to lots of different meetups every single day so that I wouldn't be alone when it kicked in.

I also believe that one of those meetups, a creative writing workshop which I took part in in April 2018, was what triggered a HUGE mindset shift with regards to my limiting beliefs about friendship and worthiness (what I've described above), so not a benzo-symptom, but something I had carried with me for so very long and which had made me so very unhappy for a great many years. You see, after the workshop, the organizer said to me: 'you fit in the group, Julia, they really liked you!'. I couldn't understand why on Earth he would even say that to me. Wasn't it about how well or not I had written? The task at hand? Whether I had done well or not??  This initiated something in me, it got me thinking, and I believe was the beginning of that huge shift in mindset, freeing myself of those terribly limiting beliefs!!! So yes: from monophobia to freeing myself from myself... do you see how you can leverage a symptom and change your whole self into a better self?  of course, I had no idea what was happening at the time that it was, you begin to see that kind of thing given a decent amount of hindsight. And then some more. But what matters is that it is happening. It is how I understand how so many Buddies who write their success stories say that their healed self is such a better version of what they used to know from their pre-benzo days. But I'm not quite there yet, I'll let you know when I am 

 

So back to that great birthday, probably the best birthday I've ever had!!! I had put a lot into it, choosing the food, choosing some decoration, creating my invite myself, imagining the whole evening... you see, I wanted to GIVE to all those people I love. Show them how important they are to me. All I wanted was for everyone to have the greatest time, to leave feeling elated, happy, eager for my next party  (spoiler alert: I think that was the case, some friends stayed until 4 a.m.!). There was great banter right from the beginning. We were sitting outside in the garden as the weather was so nice, when informally introducing everyone saying a bit about how we'd met and having a laugh about some great things that we'd shared together. Everyone was relaxed, starting with me! All smiles, that is what transpires on all my pictures 

A friend and I even performed a scene from the movie 'Days of Wine and Roses', and what a blast that was, performing in front of an audience gives you such a great buzz! I had also organized some games 'under 40s against 40s and over', first part was a quizz with lots of trick questions, then later in the evening, the second part (revenge!) was a musical blind-test. The prize for everyone: a bubble blower tube lol.

 

What a great evening 

 

Thank you again for your kind and warm wishes  I was very touched to log in here and find your messages 

 

Here's to healing, here's to life off meds and being empowered again!  :smitten:

 

Love and Healing Hugs,

 

Julia