3 years and 1 day, still fighting.

I was just writing a post in chewing the fat, talking about the different lawsuits I filed, and all of the stress that benzodiazepines have caused in my life. When I was looking at the tracker at the bottom, I noticed I was at 3 years and one day, I wasn't even keeping track anymore. I knew that I was at 3 years roughly, but I didn't know I had already passed my 3-year mark. It doesn't even seem like an anniversary anymore, it doesn't even seem like a milestone. It just seems like every day is the exact same and really repetitive at this point.

 

On the bright side, I'm definitely healing. On the negative side, I felt about the same several years ago. Right around 12 months into this mess, I was having windows that were about the same. Only difference, my mind is working a lot better now. I'm able to rationalize things a lot better and accomplish things and finish things now. Before I was doing a lot of talking the talk in my head, instead of walking the walk. Now I'm following through with everything, and I know I'm almost there. Maybe by the four-year Mark I will be 100%.

 

That's another thing, I have no idea what my percentages. I haven't felt 100% since I was young and a teenager, so how would I know? I think that's a misconception on this website, nobody actually knows what their percentage is until they're healed. A lot of us never get to figure out our full percentage, because a lot of people end up doing substances again and taking other kinds of medicines from doctors. And a lot of people don't get to eat healthy food, so they never know their full potential either.

 

I have gone completely organic and nine times out of ten get my food at the farmers market, and then the remaining time I get it at Whole Foods instead of normal grocery stores. Whole Foods isn't that bad, but it's not the same quality as a farmer's market. Either way, I noticed a huge difference when I'm eating completely whole Natural Foods instead of junk from the grocery store. Even fruits and vegetables and meat that are not organic, aggravate my symptoms. But if I'm eating 100% organic and real foods, without sugars or carbs, I feel much better. In fact, I feel my best when I'm eating mainly vegetables and meat, with no carbs at all. But everybody knows it's almost impossible not to eat carbs or sugar.

 

Definitely another huge factor in my healing process, is exercise. Now I can do whatever kinds of workouts I want and I can go for really long strenuous walks. I don't get waves from doing it anymore, now I just get tired afterwards. My sleep is still all messed up, but at least I'm getting sleep. I would say I probably still get eight hours total every day, but it's always at random times.

 

I'm not sure what the future holds for me, I'm still on benefits. I don't even know if I will ever be able to hold a job again, I kind of have a really negative outlook towards the world at this point. Of course medical professionals blame it on Mental Health conditions, but I blame it on society and past trauma. Either way, I don't have the mental capacity to handle working a job and 9:00 to 5:00 and listening to employers tell me what to do. I still get argumentative and combative with people all the time, even social workers and landlords and parents. Pretty much anybody that I talk to these days, it's almost guaranteed to be an argument over something. Everybody tries to blame everything on coronavirus and supply shortages and housing costs increasing, and inflation and things like that. But in my mind, the real problem is the elite and the government and those in control, who are being greedy. Why doesn't anybody ever blame the employers for not paying the employees well enough? Why doesn't anybody ever blame the landlords for raising rent too high? Why does everybody think there's a housing shortage and lack of affordable housing, when really it's just greedy people making things too expensive so they can have more money? This is the way I think.

 

Anyways, I still look at things my own way and refuse to acknowledge other people's perspectives most of the time. I guess you could say I'm stubborn, or maybe it's part of benzo withdrawal. I still get a lot of physical symptoms, and I still have lots of nerve pain and anxiety symptoms from time to time. I know this is far from over, but I'm a lot closer to being healed.

 

I really wish my breathing thing would go away, the air hunger. That's one of the worst symptoms throughout this whole process, and other healed people have told me it was one of the last symptoms to go. I'm not sure if that's true or not, because hopefully I haven't been suffering the whole time with an actual respiratory problem instead. If I actually have a respiratory problem, that means I suffered for 3 years for no reason. I've already talked to my doctor about it numerous times, and they seem to disregard it as well.

 

Pretty much anything I bring to the doctor's attention these days, they blame it on mental health or healing from benzodiazepines. They don't usually actually check or take X-rays or anything, they just pretty much assume just like me. I guess you could say it's an educated guess, when your vitals are normal, but it still makes you wonder.

 

All in all, I'm in a much better place than I was at the beginning of this. I really expected to be a lot further into life and healed a lot more at 3 years, but at least I'm living in a new city and eating good food and looking at nice scenery. It could be a lot worse, so I have to remember that.

Many congratulations Justintime, 3 years is a long time to keep going. I commend you for that and I notice you’re saying some positive stuff about your life too. It must be wonderful to do vigorous exercise. I am managing about a 15 minute walk so far! Not much but my dog likes me for it.

It’s great that you have got this far, well done you! Brave, brave, brave!

Thanks. Yes, those 15 minutes walks will get longer and longer with time. Sometimes you will start getting into the hour and 2-hour length walks, and then you might get knocked back again. But even if you get set back, they will keep improving over time. Walks seem to be the best thing for me along with diet.

I understand that since you have never felt great since teenage how would you know what normalcy feels like.

But if you still doubt that you are not feeling nice that means you have more healing left. 3 years and going is a time which brave people can only do, you're an extremely brave person. You will soon get the rewards for being so brave.

Thanks, I believe you're right. I'm pretty sure that whenever I'm 100%, I'm going to feel like the really good windows that I had. Earlier in my healing, I had some windows where it felt like I was light as a feather, and I didn't have any pains, and I felt really fluid. I don't know how else to describe it, other than light and fluid with my motions. But then whenever the waves come back, it feels like you're weighed down and sore with aches.

 

Sometimes when I'm having really bad waves, I can only do 10 to 15 push-ups. But whenever I'm getting a really good window, I can do double or triple that easily with no strain whatsoever. It's similar when I go for long walks, if I'm having a good day with a window, I can walk endlessly. But if I'm having really bad symptoms, I feel like I can only go half a mile to a mile before feeling like turning back around.

 

So I think you're right, whenever we are healed we will feel good and energetic and a lot of our pains and aches will be gone. I'm going to be super ecstatic whenever I don't have any more anxiety and all of my benzo rage and arguments are gone.

Hey, I am curious about the lawsuits! I am not 40+ months free of clonazepam, no one can understand the torment we have gone through. I lost the best 20 years of my life while raising my daughter, I will never get that back. I would love to make the 'dr' that prescribed me that poison to pay....

 

With that said, I am 40+ months free. March 14, 2019....it was very hard for over two years. I will still have a month where I dont feel right. My sleep will be going along just great then BAM....all hell breaks lose for a week or so....overall, my brain works well. At least for a 65 yo man...LOL. I guess at my age people do tend to forget and dont process things as quick. when I was younger my memory was awesome...not now...

 

anyway, great job on your benzo journey. May God Bless all benzo survivors...

 

Ron

Hey ron,

 

I'm having similar issues. I've been off of mine since July 2019, so pretty much right there with you considering this has already been over 3 years. My sleep is still messed up as well, I stay up all night and then sleep in the afternoon. I really want my sleep schedule to go back, people don't understand how bad it is until your sleep is completely reversed. When you're young partying on weekends and staying up late is normal, but staying up for months at a time all night long is completely different once you reach your middle ages. I am almost 40 now, and I just want to be awake during the day and that's all.

 

I completely understand on the brain processing stuff as well. It takes me a long time to comprehend things, it's almost like I have a delay in understanding people. I think I know what they're saying and I think I have it all down, only to comprehend what they said about a week later sometimes.

 

Regarding the lawsuits, I'm not allowed to give legal advice but I can tell you the steps I took. Basically the court told me that if I'm filing a federal lawsuit, it has to be for a federal reason. For example, I can't just file a state lawsuit in Federal court. The federal government has lots of different options like malpractice and human rights violations and that sort of stuff, there's lists of codes on the websites. Basically I had to find the most appropriate code for what I was trying to Sue for, and I selected it.

 

The court also gave me Pro Se paperwork that instructs self-represented litigants on the court process, in case you don't have an attorney. I wasn't represented at the time, so I went through the pro se guide and tried to do my best when I filed the complaint myself.

 

The court will give you the pro se guide for free if you ask for it, they will email it to you as well. The court even lets you file complaints electronically, so you don't have to leave the house to do a lawsuit. There are filing fees and the court will tell you how much they are, unless you are disabled. If you are disabled, or even if you are just low income, there's a chance you can get rid of the filing fee and do it for free.

 

I can't give you legal advice but I can tell you to be careful about fee shifting. If you lose a lawsuit, the other party can try to recover the lawyer fees and you might end up paying them. There's lots of information on the internet about it, I had to make sure I had a good strong case and lots of evidence for the judge prior to filing my lawsuit, because I didn't want to get hit with fee shifting.

 

The clerk of court told me that it could be next year before my jury trial. I don't think I'm done filing lawsuits, I think I'm going to sue a couple more doctors and pharmaceutical companies while I'm at it.