HEALED - 8 years, 4 months and 21 days free!

Today marks 8 years, 4 months and 21 days free from benzodiazepines.

 

The time spent on them was scary and unpredictable, because of tolerance withdrawal.

 

The time spent tapering was long, meticulous, and by and large the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life.

 

The time spent healing was long, non-linear, challenging, frustrating, and unpredictable. Years One and Two were full of symptoms, setbacks, and tiptoeing through to avoid upsetting the "withdrawal gremlins". (shoutout to Michael for that one - you know who you are ). At Year Three, I had some small but real steps forward.

 

During Years Four and Five, I stiffly stagnated and I rotated (quite frustratingly) between 70-90% healed, and very non-linearly. It was at this point that I stopped trying to "achieve" perfection in healing before I would allow myself to start living my life again. Fear was the absolute worst benzo symptom I had during withdrawal, and I was tired - ney, absolutely DISGUSTED - of its residual effects. And while my disdain for its effects did not cease the fear feelings or rush the healing process, I did start to pursue small ways that I could start saying "no" to fear and "yes" to living. Sometimes it involved doing some things afraid -- shaking, sweating, swirling thoughts, racing heart, etc. And LOTS of times, it was doing "simple" things that came really easy for "normals" to do - like grocery shopping, watching a new movie, visiting a friend's house, etc. While this approach (formally called "exposure therapy" by "experts") typically helps traditional anxiety and "normals" gain ground, it did absolutely zilch to help "earn" my ability to do it "next time". The "benzo gremlins" would forget that I did it successfully almost as quickly as I did it...so next time was just as hard as last time. What I DID start gaining from the experiences was - I was starting to participate in LIFE again, and being proactive in creating memories and moving on.

 

Years Six, Seven, and Eight (and still going) have been full of appreciating who I am, where I'm at in healing, and continuing to find ways to live life right where I'm at. This has spilled over into more of a life philosophy, a way of living for me nowadays. And somewhere along the way, sometime after I abandoned chasing down the concept of "healing fully"...healing found me. Today, I'm now 8 years, 4 months and 21 days free and I'm happily and fully recovered from my benzo experience. I can't name the date, nor time, nor year that this realization occurred...and that's okay. I'm grateful to be hopeful for the future again, and feeling better equipped than ever before for each opportunity that God has on my pathway.

 

If you're in the thick of it, just keep on surviving. Every groundhog day that happens, is one more day closer to truly living again. I don't know when or how it will happen for you, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to focus on "living" in whatever capacity you can today. Give yourself grace and patience for the non-linear-ness that this process offers. One day, hopefully soon, you will wake up and realize recovery has happened for you too!

 

Sending lots of hugs and love,

 

Mrs.

 

 

Beautiful.

 

I am so happy for you and wish to say the same about being healed and back to living. 

 

"Withdrawal gremlins" is a perfect description.

Wow mrs! It's wonderful to hear from you and see how will you are doing now in your benzo free life.  You let the healing find you and it did! What a relief to take the stress off trying to find ways to heal, you did this the right way. I wish you all the best in your 'new' life.

 

PG 

Awwww, thank you for this mrsalw! I love your insights and your perspective.  You've done a beautiful job of setting that out for us and I'm going to reread this a few times.  I was just thinking this morning, "I can't FIX this".  All I can do is continue to do the best healing practices I know and let the chips fall.  You've given me a lot to think about and aspire to.

 

Many thanks and big congrats to you! So glad you are enjoying your life.

 

Helen

Thank you so much for coming back to write this beautiful testimony. I find it really really encouraging and the way you described your healing process was profound.

 

At first the months and duration are quite an obsessive thing for the mind - but I can see how when the healing progresses, so does our view on what healing really is. It is not a date or set time. It is a progress defined by something else than time.

 

And somewhere along the way, sometime after I abandoned chasing down the concept of "healing fully"...healing found me. 

 

Wow wow wow  Wishing you all the peace in the world.

Thank you for coming back & writing this.

 

I will be at 4 years next month & I can relate to this so much.

 

I am so very very happy for you! Congratulations! 

 

 

I want to thank you so much. You answered my message a few years ago and because of your help and encouragement I was able to successfully taper off and am now 21 months free of the poison! I thank you so much. and am grateful to you beyond words! I’m doing really well and feeling great and am back to living life! Many many thanks! 

Thank you so very, very ,very much for taking the time to write this.  I'm approaching 6.5 years and have had many periods of feeling significantly better, but when the 'non-linear' BS crops up again, it's so easy to lose hope. I so appreciate protracted folks coming back and telling their story.  I am very happy for you - and wishing you happiness and health for a very long time.

I can really relate to this. At 4 years off, I have also decided to abandon the chase for full recovery, so to speak. Doesn't mean I don't believe in full recovery, it means that I've realized the constant desire for it is adding unnecessary resistance to my recovery process. So I've started forcing myself out of the house and into things I'm afraid to do or not sure I can handle. Of course, this is even harder in the "post"-Covid world where you don't need to be in w/d to fear crowds etc.

 

But I've realized getting out there and reintegrating into society is a necessary step in healing. My aim is to have what's called "authentic indifference" to both my sxs and to healing. Just being in the moment and not tuning in so heavily to how I feel and whether or not I feel better than last year etc etc.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Pickl

Wow~ !! So Good Pickl

Congrats, I'm 4 years off this month and having ups and downs.

 

I hope I'm healed one day soon too.

 

What were your main symptoms if you don't mind my asking?

Now 9 years, 1 month, and 15 days free.

 

This past few years have been a true blessing. One day, I realized I broke out of "Groundhog's Day" a while ago and didn't realize it. Healing has progressed well and I am so incredibly grateful for where I'm at now.

 

Time, patience, acceptance, and learning "self" very well were key for me making progress over time. Healing will come in its own way and in its own time - you need to focus on doing what you can, exactly where you're at. Be kind to yourself and also gently push yourself when able.

 

Keep on keepin' on! I rarely think about benzo withdrawal anymore, and when I do it's because I want to come here and spread some hope.

 

Mrs.

Thank you so much for coming back and giving hope to us still suffering!

Did you also suffer from nerve pain?

I wish you all the best ❣️🍀