Year free but more deppressed or anhedonia

So i finally made it a year, and i'm better, but not that much better. I still don't feel like doing anything, i want to, but i just won't. I procrastinate, and think negative about the outcomes of my life, my future, health, and economy. I hate this world, and cannot live with myself anymore.

I'm not suicidal or anything, and i'm not tortured anymore from benzos, i had little to no symptoms in withdrawal, and came out fine. But my deppression didn't get any better, it became worse, because after quitting benzos i became aware of my underlying issues.

I was young when starting this medicine abuse journey, i used antipsychotics for 2 years from age 17 which made me a useless human. They were given to me irresponsibly, and i hate the psychiatry because of that. I have anxiety of being forever permanently damaged thanks to those drugs, which should've been safe. From age 20 i abused klonopin, xanax and valium. Klonopin really messed me up from only 14 days of use. I got the typical benzo withdrawals and PAWS. Was almost healed around 8 month mark, but me being a 21 yr old and being a reckless idiot started using Valium mostly 40mg a day for almost 4 years.

I think my type of use is extreme since me being young. I've also been a heavy stoner in my teenage years, experimenting with drugs. I still sometimes recreationally might use LSD,shrooms or DMT. I haven't been mentally on prime to use them any much though. I make sure to be careful with drugs, and i'm minimizing them lately. Recently quit doing coke every month. Only smoke cannabis everyday atm now, and have few beers in the Weekends.

The problem is i cannot bring myself to do anything or enjoy anything. I'm jobless, and i'm too afraid to start a job after being such a waste in my life lmao. I'm feeling tired, like psychologically, maybe it's deppression, but i don't feel sad. I feel unable to have any willpower left in me, after quitting the benzos. I felt good on the benzos, if not the best i've been, but that gave me the opposite effect. 1 year later, and i'm feeling useless, and cannot get myself out of this rut.

I started smoking weed every day because after trying for a year to do anything with my life, weed became a band aid for my lonliness. I don't seek friendships or relationships either, just some belonging or life's magic back again..

What is this? I'm feeling like i'm becoming a shitty person, if i don't get to fixing this act of not doing anything with my life, but without a benzo, I'm too uncomfortable to even live. You get me?

I feel destroyed deep down from wrecking a havoc on my life, my body and my brain. I'm feeling like i've worn out from this emotional damage, and i'm ashamed of my loss. It sounds like a drug addiction, but it's more than that. I can't look at relatives the same way i used to after this.

I'm sorry you were yet to receive a reply to this my friend.

I relate to you, I really do. of course we  have many differences. I took my first valium when I was probably 15 or 16. Probably only took it every few years after that, though I did always love it. I had a spell of taking 10-20mg a day when beginning antidepressants in 2016, to take the edge off the side effects.

Then in July this year I abused them HEAVILY over a 10 day span and its what landed me in this mess. I've experienced anxiety and depression much of my life (though not much whilst on anti depressants) and it's had nothing on this.

I too have also abused other drugs throughout my life. I had a painkiller addiction, there were days I took 840mg of codeine in a 24 hour period. Morphine, tramadol, dihydrocodeine, oxycodone, whatever I could get. It was for genuine back pain that I started taking it, but I abused it for the feeling of physical and mental wellbeing it gave me. After getting clean from those in lockdown I started drinking every day. I've smoked weed off and on, often too much, since my teenage years.

You will know yourself there is no one size fits all answer to this. You know how hard it is. But I think one of the biggest keys to recovery is forcing yourself to do all of those things you know you should be doing but don't get around to. Exercise is so key. Even just 10-15 minutes jogging or something every day. I don't enjoy jogging, I hate it. But I know it's good for my body and for my mind. I know that eating healthier is good for my body and my mind. Trying to have a regular bed time and if possible not napping during the day (in fairness, if I knew I could still sleep well if I did so, I would probably nap). Meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, positive affirmations. These are all small things, but you need to throw everything at this. You need a box of tools, a bag of tricks to combat this.

Depression beats you down. You need to beat it back, it's a fight, it's a battle. It's tough, it's tiring. Days like today for me are just grey from the moment I wake up. I'm lucky if I get a few moments where I can take my mind off my own suffering. But you have to seek them out. Do things, fight it with every trick you know how. Don't dismiss things like positive affirmations or meditation, exercise, little hobbies to distract yourself.

Depression doesn't discriminate in the ways it will make you feel worse. Don't discriminate against what can make you better mate.

Thank you for your reply. I think my post is a bit long to read, and reply for some. Thanks for confirming i should force activities upon myself. I thought i would get to a point, where i would find something to do someday, and it will all go by itself again. Seems like i need to relearn. At least i don't feel disoriented like a year ago. I went home in the middle of my workout at that time, because i got tired and disappointed of myself, that was something else.

I have tried the supplements, vitamins and even strict diets. They did help to calm down, and maybe fix my GABA receptors.

Tried BPC-157 it seemed like it did something to be honest, used for 4 months, but it was too expensive for me. I remember that i felt a little more alive, happy, and calmer.

I used ketamine for my mental health, and while it did seem to help there and then for a week after use. It didn't cure my deppression. Tried psilocybin, and it helped immensely, my confidence increased, and thinking patterns loosened up. LSD helped me also become more interested in my life, even though i didn't feel it was any good.

Though i managed to get some sparks from this psychedelic experimenting, i did not cure anything. Do you think this is lies? I will update once i have cured anhedonia. Psychedelics seem to alleviate it temporarily, and give tools to combat it further.