Blame for the collateral damage regardless...disheartening

I have been depressed for about 30 years.  In 2013, I was prescribed benzos.  I became addicted taking the prescribed dose.  My benzo withdrawal journey began over 2 years ago and I have been free for the past 2-3 months.  However, over those 2 years I was severely afflicted with extreme suicidal depression and anxiety.

I have 2 children who were 7&9 at the beginning of my hell.  And they were witness to me.  It was awful.  I was out of my mind.  They would say "Mommy, I hate it when you are sad"  and ask me "Mommy are you sad?", "Mommy, do you feel bad?".  I would see my son staring at me to see how I was.  I felt so bad.  I really did my best to shield them from my behavior and moods but it was so clear that I was not stable and very sad.  So, it affected them.  They witnessed me 2-4 times having a meltdown and telling my husband that I wanted a divorce.  It terrified my kids.  By the way, we have no privacy in our house.  And I feel terrible about that but I did my best.

I had no support.  I tried everything I could that was available.  But there was no help.  I had to just do it myself.  And my husband, although stable and "there", felt helpless.  Of course his first priority was our children.  But, I never really felt helped or supported in any way.  Throughout my mental health issues, I have always been "on my own".  He doesn't say it.  But, he has never lifted a finger and, in fact, has not done anything that might make circumstances better.  He is not a bad person.  But this is my experience.

In our home, my husband has an aversion to emotion.  So, although unspoken, it is not ok to get upset.  He doesn't validate feelings and always ALWAYS defaults to "everything is ok, you're ok" which invalidates feelings.  If the kids are upset, it's "you're ok" to shut down the expression of whatever they are feeling. If I'm upset, it's "you're ok" or "you shouldn't say that", etc. to shut me down.  So, without going into too much detail, for example, I feel hurt if my child gets left out (which happens frequently) and I'll talk to him and say "That kid is an asshole".  Now, I know that many PC people might be "oh, I can't believe an adult would say that about a child" but I'm just venting because I feel hurt for my child.  And please don't hang on me taking on the emotions of my child.  I know.  Anyways, I digress....my husband will get exasperated with me and say "you shouldn't say that" and that our child is ok.  He doesn't say "Yeah, I can understand why you'd feel that way although I don't agree". Just to support me and validate my hurt.

I am proud of getting of benzos by myself.  It was a horrendous task that tainted my children, but I did it.

I met with my daughter's psychologist yesterday.  And my daughter apparently told her "My mom was cuckoo".  I can't disagree.  And the psych told me what I've lived...that it's traumatic to children when a parent is unstable or parents argue in front of their children.  Part of the reason I have my daughter seeing a psych is to talk about me because she won't with me.  The psych told me several times how it traumatizes children, which I know, and that we need to discuss their experience when I was "cuckoo".  Totally agree.  However, it's shitty how when you are an adult, you get that shroud of blame.  I know there is no intentional blame, but it's evident in the tone and lack of empathy.  My husband and I never really fight.  Never really have.  Which isn't necessarily good.  Because when you are emotionally shutdown, you don't experience much.  No joy, no excitment, no much of anything except blah...and I'm referring to my husband.  He's blah.  No celebration.  No volatility for sure, but no fun.  And no acceptance of those of us who have emotions.

I guess my rant is that I did what I could with what I had, what was available and what was offered.  And it wasn't much at all.  It's always been "you need to fix this" completely alone.  And I put so much into becoming healthy all alone.  How many doctors, psychologists, drugs, groups, exercises, foods, supplements, self help books, therapies, hormones, time, money, etc. etc....Yet, meeting with the psych brings up that again.  So disheartening.  It would be so nice to hear "I admire how hard you worked for your kids".

This whole experience has completely changed my feelings towards my husband.  I know I don't really love him.  He is very annoying to me. We don't sleep together or even in the same room.  We have really no relationship.  We are roommates.  I don't even feel anything about it.  It is just a fact.  Like the sky is blue.  Here's one gripe, a big one:  After my 7 year old son & I were assaulted by our next door neighbor, he wouldn't consider moving or build a fence even though I was stressed out every time my kids &/or I went outside.  It was more important to him that he wasn't "forced to build a fence" than his wife and children feel safe.  There's far more to us than just my mental health, but, I pursued him and what a big mistake!  But, regardless of advice, I will stay until my kids are independent.

I'll end here.  Thanks for reading.