Never been so depressed

I got of klonopin after a long drawn out taper last year in May. I used kratom to help with the taper and the first 8 months of being off. I quit the kratom cause it wasn't helping anymore and I thought I could score some relief if I quit it.

 

Things got really bad at month 6-7 to where I was pacing with insane mental symptoms in my room for weeks. I thought I was doing better once I quit the kratom but I feel like I'm stuck in a loop. I spend the majority of the time in bed or on the couch because of the mental stuff I am enduring. I can spend time in other rooms in my house sometimes but I am still harassed with the same messed up thoughts and I end up feeling alienated from family and alone and end up retreating back to my room.

 

 

I have nasty existential disgusting thoughts and I deal with constant doubt in my head and nothing but negative thoughts. I was listening to music to motivate myself and now that seems to be hit or miss. I play guitar and sometimes it helps but that is hit or miss as well. I can't watch TV or movies without existential disgusting thoughts entering my head.

 

I also suffer from an inner voice of doubt that wants to constantly point out everything that's wrong and how I won't heal and I'll die anyways.

 

I have really bad physical issues on top of the mental. Vision and gastric. I just feel like I'll never be okay again and I'm withering away.

Hi Paul,

 

Seen a few of your posts over the months, and although you probably don't realize it you're sounding a little better than when you were using a lot of kratom. Your body and brain will and is doing its thing to heal, and you are probably having kratom WD on top at the moment.

 

I've suffered terribly from mental stuff too, a couple of months ago I had a complete breakdown and had my parents drive 2 days to collect me. I've been pretty much bedridden since, and yesterday didn't think I could take anymore, but today that deep depression has lifted! It will for you too, day by day mate and 1 day it will lift.

 

Can you get out for a walk at all? I found it helpful, even just to go and sit outside in nature. Accepting the situation is difficult, but with practice it helps.

 

Stay strong bud, the sun will shine again

I would go for a walk but it' freezing out. Maybe later. I'm not really doing better at all. Maybe I'm not as frenzied all the time but I still have my moments. I hope this gets better.

Hang in there.

 

You have been through a lot and time is the best healer.  Be positive and know the days will get brighter.  Don't ever give up hope and always br positive

 

Hoping you have some peace very soon.

 

Hingie

You're only goal now is surviving every day until more time heals you and you start to feel better. Just keep going. Distract with whatever you possibly can and keep on going. You're brain can't fully heal till you've been off everything for a while. But it will heal.

I had debilitating depression, mental symptoms, and this negative lies in my head too. Its gone now. I can still get a little low - but its nothing compared to where it was - not even close.

 

You're doing all the right things. The body needs time. I went day by day for a very long time. I can now enjoy things again and plan ahead. I still have some physical things messing with me, but I know that will eventually go too.

Thanks everyone.  It seems today I am obsessing about something stupid I said as a kid, like 13 years old about how I'll only live to be 34. I was a big fan of Alice in Chains and I loved the singer Layne Staley and I idolized him and for some stupid reason I thought since he died at the age of 34 then that would be the year I died too. Of course I never thought about this again until recently when all my bad memories came flooding back. It's really stupid that I'm obsessing over something I thought about as a kid is now haunting me.

We call that "life review"...random obscure memories and thoughts come back with no rhyme or reason. It so bizarre. It will eventually go away. I swear.

Notice the memory...let yourself feel the feeling, observe them but don't attach meaning to them..let them float away.

 

I know that sounds cheesy but I'm serious. Like clouds in the sky..it all floats away.

 

Its like the brain is a computer (well it kinda is really..) and its hyper sorting all its files. Even the ones we forgot about!

When opiate withdrawal and benzos are in play, that makes me immediately think "dopamine".

 

How can this insight help?

 

What you need to not do if you can help it is engage in activities that are very dopamine inducing. You can search youtube for "dopamine detox" for some inspiration on what to avoid, although you probably don't need to take it to such extremes. Avoiding too much screen time (especially social media) and sugary junk food are obvious things.

 

Oily fish like tuna, salmon, mackerel as well as eating your greens will help repair your dopamine signalling pathways. Plenty of walking will help too, although that seems to be my answer for everything.

 

You're doing really well, mate.