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I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. Please help.


[Be...]

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Hello,

 

I've been depressed for 9 months now, but for the past month ever since I came back from a rehab center, I've been SEVERELY depressed. My plan was to get a job because I need to be active and working, and I aced two interviews for being an English teacher (that's what I've been doing in the past). I had the highest results on the interview, and my employers really wanted me to work with them. Except that I did something irrational that I still can't explain to myself - I rejected them out of fear of not being to cope.

 

I used to be a cleanliness freak, and everything would be clean, tidy and in order. Now I can't shower sometimes. I stare into blank space. I am constantly crying or have a constricted affect. My mother is supporting me, which makes me hate myself so much that I'm useless and cannot help. I can be impulsive sometimes.

 

Please, someone, I've never been so depressed in my life. I feel like I've wasted my life and will never recover. I don't know if diazepam could be causing the depression, but I used to be on astronomically high doses, and I was ABLE TO WORK. Now I'm tapering seriously finally, and I'm down to 75 mg (please, don't judge, you have no idea on how many mgs I was before), but I'm not so sure it's related to diazepam. I've isolated myself; all my friends are either working or abandoned me. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), I think.

 

I keep listening to the same songs all day, or cry or lie in bed with zero energy or motivation to do anything. The only thing I haven't spoiled so far is the benzo taper, which is going smooth. I've started taking Lexapro (escitalopram) for depression, but it's only been my 3rd day and SSRIs usually tend to make me aggressive - we'll see this time.

 

My whole life is a nightmare. 3 years ago (back when I was 27; now I'm 30) I was a fully functional independent human being. I had a job, I had moved out of my mother, I was happy, I was productive, I was FULL OF ENERGY.

 

I don't even know why I'm sharing because I don't know how anyone can help me. We're desperately poor (my mum and I), so I can't afford therapy anymore.

 

I'm sorry I couldn't come up with a more coherent post, but I'm just so apathetic, it required an effort to write this. I live in Bulgaria - It's not like in the States. We don't have good mental healthcare options.

 

Please, help me  :'(

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It isn't wise to start SSRI/SNRI during benzo withdrawal, not wise at all. Instead you could try N-Acetyl Cysteine, 200 mg daily. Depression is definitively a benzo withdrawal symptom. But mode of thinking is important too. Don't beat yourself up over anything. EVER, but especially during withdrawal. You are not a failure. I too used to be diagnosed with depression and BPD once upon a time, but now I know that what I needed was not diagnoses and drugs, but change in my way of thinking. Now I no longer have depression, nor anxiety (well, not endogenous ones anyway, since my setback with rescue doses of benzos I have had chemically-induced mood changes, but these withdrawal-related mood changes are easier to deal with if they don't stack with your endogenous mood). Note that Dr. Shipko has his patients updose when they encounter withdrawal-related depression, and has them continue tapering only when depression subsides.
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So sorry you are suffering like this.  There is alot of anecdotal evidence to suggest there is a correlation between valium and depression, I was desperately depressed for a long time while in tolerance withdrawal but didn't understand enough back then to make the connection to the benzos, although I went to a deeper, darker hell after my cold turkey with all the other symptoms that ensued, I will say the suicidal depression lifted.

 

Could you try and access free support online from places like youtube.  There are channels that provide advice for people suffering depression, channels on CBT etc.  A game changer for me during my withdrawal has been meditation and mindfulness, I understand when you are feeling so hopeless this may seem unlikely to help but if you can try and practice you should find it is quite helpful if not very powerful.

 

I think trying to understand that you are not your depression is important, the chances are high that this is a result of all the chemical changes that have taken place in your brain as a result of the benzos, don't beat yourself up for the things you cannot manage to do at the moment, the real you will come back.  I like the way Dr Jenn describes it, as a hardware problem (our brain, which will heal) not a software problem (our mental health), that always gives me some comfort.  I hope this helps.

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@[pa...]

 

Firstly, thank you so much for the support and encouragement  :smitten: I had to start an SSRI because I reached rock bottom. In all honesty, I don't feel any different, but I know it takes 2 weeks until they start working. My psychiatrist (whose competence I've recently begun to question) says it's okay to take the Lexapro. It is a nightmarish hell when every doctor or Internet source provides you with different opinions on what the correct solution is. I'll see how it goes and if it makes me feel worse, I'll discontinue it. As far as BPD goes, I used to have completely healed from it, but now it's worse than ever. It's like my whole life turned upside down. I'm so confused.

 

@hopefulinhell

 

Thank you so much!!!  :smitten: I have read a lot about CBT, and am considering mindfulness at the moment. The fact that is a "hardware problem", but not a "software problem" actually makes me feel worse because I have no control over it. I really need to get a job and right now my self-esteem is down to 0. I used to be this happy, full of energy teacher who could do anything to please his students. Now I'm paralysed to even start a lesson. It's so debilitating and the depression is so overwhelming that I started to wonder if I'm not developing schizophrenia or something. I've isolated myself and have social anxiety, cannot function properly unless I force myself. It's so crippling when you remember that just 3 years ago you were an active productive young individual with friends and independence, and now you're like a baby or an 80-year-old man who can barely function.

 

Anyway, thank you guys! I can only hope things will get better... At least you provided me with some hope, and I'm extremely grateful for that.

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Sorry you are not doing well. Could it be that decreasing your dose every three days is much too fast? Maybe you may need to slow down with your taper. I am not sure because I did a cold turkey but the advice I read in Ashton Manual is 5 to 10% every 7 to 10 days or something to that effect.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

PG

 

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Hello BenzoMutant,

 

I'm so glad you've reached out, this is the first step in breaking free of the isolation, good for you.  And good for you for doing so well on your taper, I'm pleased and encouraged by your commitment to rid yourself of the Valium. 

 

When I see you describe who you used to be I'm encouraged because I know this is who you'll return to when you recover and to hear it's only been three years reinforces my belief. 

 

I'm so impressed you were able to ace the interviews feeling as you are, think about this for a moment.  Interviews are very stressful even for those not suffering through benzo withdrawal and the fact that you did so well should be a confidence builder, I think so anyway.

 

I have faith in you and know that when the time is right you'll return to yourself and work but right now the time isn't right.  I understand you need to bring income to you and your mother but somehow the two of you will get by until you can function enough to do justice to your students and yourself. 

 

And by the way, your posts are anything but incoherent, you write exceptionally well for someone in so much pain.  :smitten:

 

Pamster

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Firstly, thank you so much for the support and encouragement  :smitten: I had to start an SSRI because I reached rock bottom. In all honesty, I don't feel any different, but I know it takes 2 weeks until they start working. My psychiatrist (whose competence I've recently begun to question) says it's okay to take the Lexapro. It is a nightmarish hell when every doctor or Internet source provides you with different opinions on what the correct solution is. I'll see how it goes and if it makes me feel worse, I'll discontinue it. As far as BPD goes, I used to have completely healed from it, but now it's worse than ever. It's like my whole life turned upside down. I'm so confused.

 

You're welcome!  :)

Benzos are frequently prescribed together with SSRI/SNRI to treat the side effects of antidepressants (restlessness, insomnia, etc.), to say nothing of NDRIs. That's why it's a bad idea to start antidepressant in the middle of withdrawal. As preachergirl said you are tapering too fast. That is probably the reason why you have depression. You should try holding the dose for two weeks after cutting to see if you stabilize, and should not cut more than 10% of your total dose per cut. And as I've mentioned before, you can updose to see if depression resolves itself (Dr. Shipko just returns his patients to their original dosage until depression resolves). Then taper when you are stable. This is not a race. It's better to taper slow and be functional than taper too fast and be a wreck the whole time.

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@[pr...]

 

I'm so sorry you went through a cold-turkey withdrawal. I can only hope it went alright for you rather than most and that you're recovering  :thumbsup: I will slow down my tapering to 5 mg per week once I get down to 60 mg, and once I reach the 30 mg threshold, I'll start decreasing by 2.5 mg. I know it's not as Dr. Ashton would advise, and I have immense respect for her and her manual, but that's the best I can do. Also, 9 years ago I successfully tapered by doing it exactly this way (although my max dosage was 40 mg, not 200 or 600 as I've binged on sometimes  :idiot:)

 

@Pamster

 

Thank you so much for you help and support as always!  :smitten: You really are an angel here. You help us all so much, and I feel so grateful for that. At the beginning of my benzo binge 2-3 years ago, I was highly functional and all I tried to do here was help and support, although I'm not sure how successful that notion was. Anyway, thank you for believing in me! I also want to believe that I will return to the same old me (from 3 years ago) at some point. All that I can do is take it one day at a time and just manage my emotions as much as possible, and not dwell too much on depressive thoughts, not beat myself and feel guilty and shameful all the time.  About the work - I don't know if the time is right or not, but I have to give it a chance. Otherwise, I stay at home all day and brood... That's not helping my depression, nor my social anxiety/phobia. If it doesn't work out, of course, I'll just wait it out. The odd thing that I just can't comprehend at all is that until I maxed out on tolerance, I would take these sky-rocketing doses and get high on benzos, and was STILL ABLE to work without any problems. Now that I'm actually finally in control, sober-minded and committed to finally heal from my substance abuse (which, by the way, started the first time a long time ago because a psychiatrist prescribed me benzos for panic disorder, as most people here have almost had their lives destroyed because of that...), I seem unable to work. That depression has been building for 9 months, and I really don't know whether it's benzo-related or it's just my own predisposition to depression. It could be a burn-out from binging on benzos for 3 years and now I have to pay the price. Or tolerance-withdrawal. Anyway, thanks a lot, mate!  :thumbsup:

 

@pacenik

 

Thank you so much for the support and the book you recommended!  :thumbsup: On the Ashton manual it says it's okay to use anti-depressants during withdrawal if depression starts to creep into your life so much that you can't even take care of your basic neeeds. Irregardless, I've tried so many anti-depressants (mostly the most commonly prescribed SSRIs + atypical antipsychotics + NRIs), and, in my experience only the atypical anti-psychotics work for me (I use Seroquel for sleep, but only occasionally). I only started taking Lexapro because I really couldn't take it anymore. I'm not a believer in anti-depressants as they never work for me. I know some people report anti-depressants do miracles for them, but we all have our individual neurochemistry, so tough luck for some of us. I'm monitoring my condition closely, so hopefully if I notice any side effects or that they don't work at all, I'll discontinue using them immediately.

 

Thanks to everyone who responded with so much advice to my call for help! My moods change every hour, haha, but mostly I am depressed.

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I worked full time, except for the first 3 weeks after my cold turkey and even though it was difficult, I was grateful to have the distraction so I understand your thinking about getting out of the house and staying busy. 

 

Can you work outside of your chosen profession to start out, maybe something that wouldn't have you facing a room full of students which I imagine would be difficult feeling as you do.

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Thank you so much for the support and the book you recommended!  :thumbsup: On the Ashton manual it says it's okay to use anti-depressants during withdrawal if depression starts to creep into your life so much that you can't even take care of your basic neeeds. Irregardless, I've tried so many anti-depressants (mostly the most commonly prescribed SSRIs + atypical antipsychotics + NRIs), and, in my experience only the atypical anti-psychotics work for me (I use Seroquel for sleep, but only occasionally). I only started taking Lexapro because I really couldn't take it anymore. I'm not a believer in anti-depressants as they never work for me. I know some people report anti-depressants do miracles for them, but we all have our individual neurochemistry, so tough luck for some of us. I'm monitoring my condition closely, so hopefully if I notice any side effects or that they don't work at all, I'll discontinue using them immediately.

Prof. Ashton truly is a hero of our times, but Ashton Manual does contain some errors which have been very, very costly for me. That's why I keep recommending Dr. Shipko's book as errata to the Ashton Manual. The first error is her endorsement of antidepressants. The second is her endorsement of rescue dosing i.e. "benzo use during and after withdrawal". Right at the end of my taper (the only symptoms I had were GERD and 3AM cortisol surges) as I was preparing to jump I took amitriptyline a few times for sleep. Amitriptyline caused tremors, myclonus, and of course insomnia (it caused endless stream of hypnic jerks). After not sleeping for days, I freaked out and took rescue doses of diazepam for two days. These rescue doses threw me into a full-spectrum withdrawal (I had, and still have symptoms I never did before) for what is almost two months now. I was very much tempted to reinstate (yet again, I reinstated once already because of COVID-19 measures, I wasn't afraid of virus, or even dying *at home*, but was very much afraid of dying at concentration camps they set up for the infected -- if I'm gonna die, I want it to be home, not at some concentration camp) but decided to push through and wait for diazepam to clear from my system in order to try flumazenil infusions.

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@pacenik

 

Firstly, thank you so much for the support and encouragement  :smitten: I had to start an SSRI because I reached rock bottom. In all honesty, I don't feel any different, but I know it takes 2 weeks until they start working. My psychiatrist (whose competence I've recently begun to question) says it's okay to take the Lexapro. It is a nightmarish hell when every doctor or Internet source provides you with different opinions on what the correct solution is. I'll see how it goes and if it makes me feel worse, I'll discontinue it. As far as BPD goes, I used to have completely healed from it, but now it's worse than ever. It's like my whole life turned upside down. I'm so confused.

 

@hopefulinhell

 

Thank you so much!!!  :smitten: I have read a lot about CBT, and am considering mindfulness at the moment. The fact that is a "hardware problem", but not a "software problem" actually makes me feel worse because I have no control over it. I really need to get a job and right now my self-esteem is down to 0. I used to be this happy, full of energy teacher who could do anything to please his students. Now I'm paralysed to even start a lesson. It's so debilitating and the depression is so overwhelming that I started to wonder if I'm not developing schizophrenia or something. I've isolated myself and have social anxiety, cannot function properly unless I force myself. It's so crippling when you remember that just 3 years ago you were an active productive young individual with friends and independence, and now you're like a baby or an 80-year-old man who can barely function.

 

Anyway, thank you guys! I can only hope things will get better... At least you provided me with some hope, and I'm extremely grateful for that.

 

Sorry for making you feel worse  :(  It helps me in knowing that I haven't developed severe mental health problems but it is due to changes in the brain that are busy sorting themselves out, I will heal from it, it feels less personal if that makes sense. You still have control though ,the same tools and skills apply as for mental health.  I hope you try CBT and mindfulness and find some relief through that, both have helped me alot. Take care :smitten:

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I had the highest results on the interview, and my employers really wanted me to work with them. Except that I did something irrational that I still can't explain to myself - I rejected them out of fear of not being to cope.

 

I used to be a cleanliness freak, and everything would be clean, tidy and in order. Now I can't shower sometimes. I stare into blank space. I am constantly crying or have a constricted affect. My mother is supporting me, which makes me hate myself so much that I'm useless and cannot help. I can be impulsive sometimes.

I think I can help you with this part. You said you can't explain it and you called it "irrational". I think there is an obvious explanation which is that your concern about not being able to cope at work is valid. You should take some encouragement that it was even your decision to make. I think it's amazing that you could ace two interviews while you're struggling so much! That said, if you're constantly crying and sometimes can't shower, I don't know how you think you could hold down a job as an English teacher.

 

If circumstances allow you to not work while you're going through this, please accept this blessing. It's better for you and trust me, it's also better for your mother too. If she is supporting you now, her role will expand and not contract if she's supporting you while you're trying to work. You will be under immense stress (more than now) and if you live with her, she will absorb a lot of it and you won't be able to stop her.

 

I have some advice for you. Some of it is repeating what others are saying because I think it's important.

 

1. Slow down your benzo taper.

 

If you're feeling like this, hold your dose for a month and see how you are then. If you're still not doing alright, hold for another month. Most people would be feeling appreciably better after holding for a month. Two months is probably enough for you to stabilise. It's impossible to make good decisions about anything including treatment options when you are emotionally unstable and unable to think straight.

 

2. Stick around here and read some different threads.

 

It won't take you long to notice that other people have very similar challenges. There are lots of good suggestions here although it's not easy to see at first which would be good for you. Ask questions, make suggestions if you have some, get a feel for the community. Here, you are not alone. There are other addicts that post here too, not just people who unwittingly became dependent to doctor prescribed benzos. Not that this even matters; we're all united by being at various stages of benzo dependency and withdrawal. When you're ready to go again, we can give some practical advice to make things less bad than they have been and hopefully help you to put a strategy in place so things don't become unmanageable again.

 

3. Drop the Lexapro.

 

I am so sorry you're getting such varied advice on this subject. That must be very confusing. I should disclose up front that I have had a bad experience with antidepressants. It's surprisingly common - https://www.survivingantidepressants.org is an active community that's a bit like here, except for antidepressants. Most likely the other people who recommend against it here have had a bad experience too.

 

I don't recommend against them solely based on my own experience. I recommend against them because they're a scam and they cause harm. There might be a minority of people who "need something" and an antidepressant will make sense for some of those people. I doubt you're one of those people since you're 30 years old and your mental health difficulties have an obvious chemical cause. If you don't need antidepressants, I promise you don't want them. They have worse side effects than benzos and similar issues arise with tolerance and dependence. Difficulty withdrawing is another thing in common with benzos.

 

edit: I hope this doesn't seem too prescriptive. It's my recommendation based upon wide knowledge of antidepressants but limited knowledge of your situation.

 

4. Try not to diagnose yourself.

 

I could have qualified for a handful of diagnoses at different points in my taper. It's really common for withdrawal symptoms to mimic psychological conditions. Bipolar disorder, OCD and autism were the most compelling in my case but there were others. I've even had psychotic symptoms that in hindsight resemble schizophrenia. I'm in my mid thirties and never had these types of symptoms before becoming dependent on diazepam. You might qualify as Borderline but it seems unlikely given the stability that you used to enjoy. It's more likely that you're catastrophizing which is one of the more common withdrawal symptoms. It's much better to focus on who you were because that's a more accurate representation of the real you than how you are at the moment. You will uncover the real you as you recover.

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@[Pa...]

 

The good thing is I found a workplace where I can teach individually only  :) So, I won't be standing in front of a whole crowd of students that could cause more fear or anxiety. It's amazing how you managed to work after a cold-turkey withdrawal  :thumbsup:

 

@pacenik

 

While I have no absolutely clear idea whether anti-depressants should be used during benzo withdrawal, I guess you might be right because serotonin levels should not be tampered with during withdrawal. The whole point of the gradual tapering is that while unpleasant and at times hellishly impossible, the brain should heal on its own and restore balance in the production of neurotransmitters. I may stop taking the Lexapro. It's just that these psychiatrists confused me all the time. They always want to prescribe more meds. The first time I quit I used only gradual diazepam reduction with nothing else, and I was fine! Except that I didn't have depression back then. Also, once you're off benzos, you must stay off them for as long as possible (forever is ideal). Does Prof. Ashton really suggest to use benzos from time to time?  :o I haven't read that part. This is an absolute NO-NO. It would simply lead to relapse.

 

Guys, right now I'm battling the benzo demon. That's why I'd rather not updose because I'm like a proper junkie in that respect. If I updose, I can't stop myself and lose control and binge on 90 mg (or more) at once. Right now I'm tempted because I have a rapid heart beat, and would love to take just one last hefty dose, mmm. But I mustn't! Okay, I will try to distract myself with something.

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@[ho...]

 

That's okay. Thank you so much for the support. We both have different ways of looking at this addiction, which is perfectly alright  :) I will try mindfulness! I was in CBT for 6 years before (no benzos then), but I don't have any money now and my therapist abandoned me once I started taking benzos.

 

@diaz-e-BAM

 

Thank you for your input  :thumbsup: You're absolutely right that I should stop self-diagnosing myself because, yeah, you may be right - it's simple catastrophizing, and I've been brooding and stuck in this loop for quite some time now. I will drop the Lexapro because I actually share your opinion that anti-depressants don't work OR if they do, you do develop tolerance to them as well. I wasn't going to touch another anti-depressant, but this depressing has been getting progressively worse for 9 months now, and I've hit rock bottom.

 

Right now I'm trying to stay alert because I'm craving 90 mgs of diazepam like crazy, and I don't want to mess that up.

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Does Prof. Ashton really suggest to use benzos from time to time?  :o I haven't read that part. This is an absolute NO-NO. It would simply lead to relapse.

Without checking my facts, I would suggest that if Prof. Ashton said something like that, what she meant is that benzodiazepines are only appropriate for occasional use as opposed to regular daily use. I suspect the reason that Prof. Ashton is not considering people who have been through benzo withdrawal when she makes this statement is that if this guideline was followed, nobody would become dependent on benzos and nobody would have to withdraw.

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From the Ashton Manual:

BENZODIAZEPINE USE DURING AND AFTER WITHDRAWAL

 

What happens if someone who is in the course of benzodiazepine withdrawal or has successfully withdrawn needs a surgical operation? Benzodiazepines are of value as premedication before major operations and for sedation and amnesia during minor surgical procedures. Yet many ex-users are terrified that if they are given a benzodiazepine for these purposes they will become dependent all over again. They can be reassured: a single dose of a benzodiazepine given for an operation does not bring back the addiction, although the stress of an operation may re-awaken the anxiety symptoms experienced during benzodiazepine withdrawal. Symptoms reported under these circumstances have usually been the result of fear. Many personally observed patients have had repeated doses of midazolam (Versed, Hypnovel), a short-acting benzodiazepine, for dental procedures (dental phobia is common in withdrawal), and other benzodiazepines including diazepam for major and minor surgery and have recovered without complications.

 

Also, people who have gone back on benzodiazepines, having failed at the first attempt at withdrawal, can be just as successful at tapering as first-timers.

 

I haven't reawakened anything, from those rescue doses I got symptoms I never had before. And a host of them at that. It's what I imagine cold-turkey to be. There's a reason why people who are/were on benzos use propofol and not midazolam for surgeries.

 

Each subsequent withdrawal is harder and harder, because of kindling mechanism.

 

 

At some point it would be good for BenzoBuddies to compile an official "good practices addendum" or something like that for the Ashton Manual.

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@[pa...]

 

What Prof. Ashton merely says here is that benzodiazepines used in surgical procedures will not lead to relapse. I know that for a fact because I had been clean for 6 years off benzos, and when I took just one 10 mg pill of diazepam, I experienced the same anxiolysis and euphoria as if I had never taken benzos. The problem was that I enjoyed it so much that I kept getting high on them to feel great, building my tolerance until it went out of whack entirely.

 

What you experienced may have been some paradoxical effects, or your individual biochemistry might have made you more susceptible. Every time is different. I know that from experience. I was taking 200 mg of diazepam (quite a hefty tolerance) and was completely functional and people could not tell I was a drug addict. However, when I went to rehab they almost cold-turkeyed me because they reduced my dosage from 200 mg to 30 mg in about a week  :idiot: It goes without saying that after I got out of rehab, I updosed properly to 120 mg to feel good, and then it was as

if a hammer hit me on the head. My tolerance had gone down during that week, and it hit me so hard I almost felt as though it had caused brain damage. And ever since then I started tapering sensibly, but i don't feel the same way. I feel less psychologically stable on 75 mg than when I was on 200 mg. I even feel more stupid right now than when I was taking the humungus dosages. Of course, that could be just my own self-doubt and worry, and I am still recovering.

 

Anyway, my point is that, yes, you may be right that "rescue doses" are dangerous, but only if they happen immediately after discontinuation of benzodiazepines. If it had been a year or so, I doubt it would've caused you any problems. Just cheer up, mate  :thumbsup: I'm sorry you went through that hell, but it's all over now, right? If not, you will heal.  :) Hope for the best, always!  :D

 

P.S. Guys, I think we're going a bit off-topic here. I know I posted that thread, and have no problem discussing other issues besides my depression, but I believe you should start a separate thread for that.

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That's interesting but I don't read it as an endorsement for using benzos from time to time. What it's saying is if you have to have a benzo administered to you as a one off, you'll be alright. I believe this is likely to be true although I have no doubt that it could cause a significant setback.
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Just cheer up, mate  :thumbsup: I'm sorry you went through that hell, but it's all over now, right? If not, you will heal.  :) Hope for the best, always!  :D

Thanks! It's not over, but it's better than in a first few weeks post-rescue. What's done is done, it's no use crying for spilled milk. I'm just saying take even Ashton Manual with a grain of salt. And that it's wise to stay away from antidepressants.

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Hey BenzoMutant...

Good to see you posting again. -and making progress despite the difficulties..!!

 

I dont really have any advice to add, mainly because I feel your outlined path, thoughts and feelings are pretty spot on for yourself...

If anything, I would just affirm that the “depressive” aspects can be very strong and entrenched in the process, -no matter what one does (if affected this way)..

Fwiw.. For myself, I describe the worst of MY situation as -a total inability to initiate a task or activity..

No reward for effort chemistry that the body uses to go from rest/conserve to live/go/do.. I suspect a dopamine component, but whatevs...

When this “cracks” or improves, all the other depressive aspects lift with it.. I havnt found a way to manipulate my discontinuations to alleviate this “brick wall”, but it has improved, and quite quickly, at the better points of my tapers, ie. as I come off each med in a way thats as gentle as possible (in relation to the actual jump).. I hope its like this, or even a lot better/sooner for you...

“Its the Meds, -NOT ME..” is my “go to” phrase.. (often not quite as convincing as it is to read, but its somewhat grounding for me..)

 

Glad you found Trina’s thread too.. :)

 

Keep the faith mate, -in both yourself and the process..

:)

 

 

 

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I've done it, you guys.  :'( I woke up this morning, ready to shower and start my new job, but I was having palpitations, my PTSD from high school activated a traumatic experience, and I simply couldn't take it anymore. I binged on 120 mg diazepam because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

You all are trying to help me and I appreciate your support immensely, but  I feel there's no hope for me. I'm paralyzed by fear, depressed, and now I ruined my taper.  :'(

 

You were right that I shouldn't go back to work so soon.

 

My psychiatrist is a very rude and crass man, who doesn't seem to get me. He keeps forcing me to taper faster and faster, while I know it's not safe and I keep telling him that. He hates me, but I can't switch psychiatrists because he's the only one who would prescribe that huge amount of Valium (diazepam). He keeps goading me into checking into another hospital, and I my mental health cannot deal with another hospitalization. In Bulgaria, doctors treat you like you're a piece of scum. I don't know, maybe it's not just in my country, but all over the place. You tell me.

 

My mother and I are constantly fighting. She has absolutely no idea what depression is and has no intention of trying to comprehend even the basic principles of or read on the Internet what Major Depression is. She just wants me to snap out of it with a magical wand.  :(

 

I cannot afford to keep updosing much longer because my liver enzymes are off the charts. My psychiatrist keeps reassuring me these high levels are to be expected taking into account how high my doses are. However, he reassures me that my liver enzymes need to be 4000 times higher than what they are now for my liver to get sick. I don't know what or whom to believe anymore.

 

I curse the day I relapsed. And now I'm living in this nightmare, in which everyone is simply confusing me because everybody offers different advice and I don't know what to believe any longer.

 

@Pamster

 

I really admire you, man. You were able to work despite the withdrawal symptoms. I don't know why I can't get my shit together at all. It's this paralyzing fear of everything. And I didn't use to have it. I was a high-functioning drug addict.

 

I don't want to die or off myself.

 

@Cantfly

 

It's so nice to see you again, buddy. I'm sorry I can't be more cheerful right now, but today I really fucked up (pardon my language) everything. Binged on 120 mgs because I was stressed,  frightened about my job, my heart was palpitating and I felt too much pressure.

 

I can't keep restarting the taper again and again. How many times has it been already? I can see you all struggle with so much pain, and I wish we had normal lives.

 

Thank you for all the help and support  :( You truly are wonderful, but I'm in the abyss.

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That's exactly the problem with fast tapers, symptoms become unbearable and the taper fails. And 120 mg diazepam isn't that much compared to doses of alprazolam or clonazepam that some people take. In fact it's fairly common for people to be on 2 mg alprazolam three times a day, which is equivalent to 120 mg diazepam. It's just that diazepam has so much lower potency.
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That sounds like a very difficult experience. I hope you've been able to calm down since. I can see that you put a lot of importance on having a job, so on top of the stress you must be disappointed too. I think it's a blessing in the long run not to expose yourself to work-related stress but that doesn't detract from the disappointment.

 

Please don't beat yourself up about caving in. It's an understandable slip up in the circumstances. You could skip your next dose and then go back to normal and you wouldn't have ended up taking that much more diazepam than your tapering schedule says you should.

 

I really believe the first key is to get you stable on diazepam which means sticking to a dose until you're feeling more like yourself even if that takes a while. In your OP, you mentioned you're on 75mg right now which is presumably a dose you tapered to quite quickly. If you could somehow persuade your doctor to prescribe you 75mg for a month and you take it like that every single day, on schedule, the difference it could make is astonishing. The trick is to then not get too excited because things are going so well. When I was early on in my journey, I had this manic energy every time I didn't feel like shit. I'd try way too much and it'd get me into trouble. When I realised this and stopped wearing myself out, things got a lot more manageable.

 

I can tell you're a bright person and as you say, you used to be full of energy. I can relate to the frustration of wanting to do more and feeling like you should be able to but ultimately it not working out when you try. It took a lot to happen for me to finally accept that I should stop pushing myself so hard. I'm glad I got there though cos while it's been a longer journey than I would have liked, it got a lot more manageable and the progress I have made has been very real. The benefit is imperceptible from day to day but undeniable over a period of months.

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BenzoMutant,

 

I'm glad you are back for support but I'm sorry to read about the relapse. I wish I had wise words to offer to you.  You are a very intelligent and caring person, I echo what Pam said about your future. It's there for you, you just have to find the right path to get there.

 

PG  :smitten:

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So you slipped, it's okay, it's not the end, it's a setback and tomorrow you'll resume your taper whatever it looks like.  I don't know why we addicts have this all or nothing mentality but we need to fight it and realize that we make mistakes and we can get back on track without thinking so catastrophically.

 

Don't give up or in BenzoMutant, get back in there and fight for the life you once had and the one you will have!

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