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Wake up Crying


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I woke up crying today. My fiancé slept in our spare room again. I'm so miserable.  How am I going to get through another month of tapering? I am 33 years old, but I feel like my life is over. Klonopin took everything from me. I was in tolerance withdrawl for a couple of years and didn't know at the time. I have autoimmune diseases and that's been hard enough.  The mystery illnesses from klonopin cost me my career, my intelligence, my family, my car, friends, health, independence, identity, appearance, strength, and my finances.  I am a couple of hundered thousand dollars in debt for a career in occupational therapy I don't think I can ever return to because of my health.  I came from nothing and I fooled myself that I could escape the misery of a life I was born into.  I already pulled myself out of my abusive childhood by myself and somehow got myself on the right path to being financially independent/comfortable and I did it by defying all odds and not becoming an alcoholic like my mother. I was free from my traumatically eventful childhood with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. I have attachment disorder from no mother bond. 

 

I am venting all of this because I really just wish I had a mom. I technically have a mother, but when you mother has NPD, you essentially don't have a mother. Its a complicated story. I want a mom. I need a mom. I was medicated with antidepressant and klonopin in all those years of therapy. Now when it would actually work and I need it most I cannot afford it.  I am engaged to be married.  How do couples make it through this? I have a wall up. He keeps sleeping in the spare room. Theres no couples counseling for benzo withdrawl. I wish I had an in person support group to go to in person.

 

How will I pull myself out of this hole when this taper ends? Its like ive been in prison for years now. I don't know if this is where I go to vent. I don't even know how to use a website. I feel like a newborn baby. Not in a good way. I feel like I am flashing back to my newborn years and childhood of neglect and abuse where all I can do is survive and raise myself.  I cant do that again.  I don't know how I got through it the first time.

 

I am dark. I can't believe my childbearing years are almost gone and these doctors never even thought of that over our 10 years. I don't know if I'm allowed to cry over my keyboard as I post essentially a journal entry.  Please tell me someone relates.  I'm so alone.  I know we all are. I don't think I'm unique.

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Hello glendathegoodwitch,

 

I can see you're in a great deal of pain, and the benzo withdrawal has magnified it, this is what it does.  It makes us feel all is lost when it isn't, this is temporary, a long temporary, but it does have an end. 

 

Please don't give up, you can still have a career, you can still get married if you just hang on and finish what you started and then allow yourself the time to heal.

 

There is a member who has a blog and she seems familiar with the childhood you're describing, I wonder if you might drop by and introduce yourself to the group who talks there. Here is the link.  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=233684.0

 

Also, could you add your medication history so we can see at a glance where you're at in your journey?  Here are the instructions.  Add your history/signature 

 

Pamster

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Glenda,

 

Pamster has the best advice.  Many people have been through what we are now experiencing and they have got through.  As you say, no one is unique.  We can too.

 

Withdrawal cloaks us in darkness.  Our thoughts are not always accurate, "your (negative) thoughts lie to you".  Unfortunately, the way our brain is wired, once we think one negative thought, it triggers many other associated thoughts.  They are just thoughts.  They are just feelings.  As horrible and intense as they can be.

 

I can relate to you as I also have attachment disorder.  Mom as well.  I found myself looking for a mom in every female relationship I had.

 

But you can get through this.  It does improve.

 

I'm sending you big hugs and good thoughts.  You can do this.

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[ca...]
Just know that all the anger and frustration is the withdrawl. Blame it all on the withdrawl not each other.  YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. your relationship will be stronger when its all said and done. If you both can make it through this you can make it through ANYTHING.  :smitten:
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I was in a severe and long term depression when I was on so many meds. Which is tragic because these meds were made to "help", but that is another story. During withdrawal my depression was so bad that I thought I would not make it. When I read your post about feelings like "I need a mom", I remembered how I had these feelings and I can so relate to it. I have never felt so abandoned, lonely, disconnected, desperate and hopeless like in my depression thanks to this drugs. Since I am med free I never had such a depression again although I had to face major crisises and really hopeless situations. In withdrawal and while being on these meds (this is MY opinion, ok..) I felt like I had not the full access to my inner strength, my brain was unable to produce what I needed and I lacked the strategies and the faith and self love to be able to help myself. I really was a baby somehow.

Withdrawal was my best teacher how to overcome dark times. We are forced to deal with all our feelings, if we want or not. Your mom cannot be the mum you need and maybe never has been what you needed, and of course, now this feeling is more intense than ever and maybe you might switch it into your relationship to your boyfriend, totally natural. I had parents who couldn't be what I needed.

 

After withdrawal I am stronger now than before and I was able to make peace with the feelings from the past and the parts of myself which somehow could not grow up. Sounds strange, I know.. I dont know how you will manage to come out these feelings, but I am sure everyone can find a personal way to do it. I feel like a good thing is always not to supress what you feel, notice it, but do not sink into it.

The best strategy for me at the beginning was to balance out and this was helping me like "okey, I can start my day crying for now (I cried for 20 minutes) - and then I will go out of bed, make myself a delicious breakfast and then distract". You do not need to stick in an emotion. As long as you do not deny the emotion, you can and must switch into another emotion or just distract and avoid to sink deeper into the first emotion. The word "both" was also helpful, cause I could be "both". I could be depressed AND happy about  my dog. I could believe I won't make it AND take a shower.

To practice this strategy is so weird at the beginning, but I found out lots of the members here did something similar to cope. Years later I learned its a common strategy to overcome PTSD, by the way.

 

This. is. temporary!!

 

Hug!

MArigold

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"In withdrawal and while being on these meds (this is MY opinion, ok..) I felt like I had not the full access to my inner strength, my brain was unable to produce what I needed and I lacked the strategies and the faith and self love to be able to help myself. I really was a baby somehow."

 

That is pretty much how I feel too.  I feel like a child.  I have never had the best self esteem, but it has plummeted.  How do you know and believe it is the meds and not just your new normal?  The depression and anxiety, one or both, especially in the morning, are crushing.

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"In withdrawal and while being on these meds (this is MY opinion, ok..) I felt like I had not the full access to my inner strength, my brain was unable to produce what I needed and I lacked the strategies and the faith and self love to be able to help myself. I really was a baby somehow."

 

That is pretty much how I feel too.  I feel like a child.  I have never had the best self esteem, but it has plummeted.  How do you know and believe it is the meds and not just your new normal?  The depression and anxiety, one or both, especially in the morning, are crushing.

 

I had never felt like that before I took the meds, and I have never felt like this after I stopped the meds and withdrawal was over. Of course, you only get the hole picture when you are off meds, while being in withdrawal its difficult. I never felt a relief on medication, I most of the time had bad side effects and felt poisoned, so I did not profit, maybe that was the reason I could make that difference earlier..

But one thing was clear - I suffered from a PTSD / survived a trauma before benzos and ADs and other meds. And that was horrible. But the depression and fears were worse in withdrawal, it felt more chemical. Its hard to describe.. 

I have read tons of books, studies, articles about depression and that is so much more than just chemicals in our brain. I am obsessed learning about mitochondrial medicine and latest studies and knowledge about the microbiome. I also changed my diet after a while and found out which food could help me more than a pill of ativan. it was amazing. I would say at first it was just the feeling that this was NOT "my new normal". Later I found the scientific evidence and lots of options to deal with fatigue and depression and panic... Maybe you have found out already that a meal can either ease up symptoms or make them worse, or that certain techniques like meditation may help you.

On the one hand, its related to a fatigue of your body, each cell is suffering right now and a simple cell needs 3 months to rebuild, even a healthy cell... on the other hand, you can support the healing process, with PROVIDING the necessary stuff: Nutrition, reduced stress, bring your hormones to balance with meditation, little bit of sports, oxigen per walks outside... and lots of self-loving things.

 

When we feel like a baby, we need to take care and feed the baby  :smitten:

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Thank you Marigold.  I have not done an elimination diet or "food route".  I am curious what food you found helped you so obviously?

 

Over the past 5 years, I've experienced traumas that, for sensitive me, really knocked me.  I'm also in menopause.

 

I used to read and think I could fix myself.  I have given up.  Sunk into this person.  I don't want to sink any more.  I want to phoenix.  And I don't want to be on drugs!

 

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Thank you Marigold.  I have not done an elimination diet or "food route".  I am curious what food you found helped you so obviously?

 

Over the past 5 years, I've experienced traumas that, for sensitive me, really knocked me.  I'm also in menopause.

 

I used to read and think I could fix myself.  I have given up.  Sunk into this person.  I don't want to sink any more.  I want to phoenix.  And I don't want to be on drugs!

 

Its nothing wrong about giving up, surrendering, not knowing what to do.You will adopt to the new situation, and you will keep adopting. With time, you will find an inner strength and get to know your real self. A body can survive with so many marks and damages, and so can the soul. This does not mean the agony and pain will never end. You can discover new things no matter what and you can be happy even if you still have symptoms.

I am eating like steven acuff says. You might google him.

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