Is it depression or anxiety ?

I'm aware that a psychiatrist would better answer this, but since I'm suffering because of a psychiatrist, I prefer to stay faaaar away from them.

I'm really really anxious about being depressed. I experience really nasty depressive spells where I feel a lot of despair. There's like a pressure in my head when I feel so bad. When I have these spells, much more frequent this week, I just can't rationalize and detach myself from my thoughts. I feel fucked up, unhappy, terrified of my mental state.

Yet, after a lot of reading, I don't really recognize myself in depression.

I cook, I clean, I work, I have no difficulty to sleep (and having normal dreams). I'm interested in some stuff: seeing family, doing puzzles, playing video games with friends online, reading, photography. I am able to feel positive emotions (not as strongly as before) including love and proudness. I like my body. I have no problem to take care of myself and to do what has to be done. I even had what looked like a window last week for 2 days where I felt perfectly normal and fine with my life. I even felt so normal that I wondered why I felt so depressed and anxious because I didn't need to force anything to make my mood swings stay away. I was just fine like a heavy fog which finally went away in my brain.

But I feel desperate now. I don't think I force myself to do things, but it's like I'm trying to stay busy and sometimes (a lot of times recently) a nasty depressive spell catch me off guard. Or is it my spectacular anxiety with leads to feel so desperate ?

What do you think ?

I have to say that I have since withdrawal OCD and became a little bit hypocondriac. My biggest fear is to suffer from depression preventing me to enjoy life, just like my ex before he dumped me for someone who "made him feel alive". I fear depression because I read that it can take a long time to wear off and that there's a good chance for it to be chronic. I never had depression before, only bad reactions to nasty breakups which wears off after a few weeks/months of me spending time in bed to sleep and cry, unable to eat.

I don't want to take meds. I was put on Zoloft with benzos and stopped taking them after 6 weeks of pure hell caused by side effects including something which looked like hypomania or serotonine syndrom (doctors couldn't tell) because of a too high dosage.

I have no history of being bipolar as well and never had mania or hypomania in my life, except the strange feelings I had when I overreacted to SSRI (wanted to do a lot of things, very talkative and flirty, way too happy after mopping non-stop for 2 months, insomnia, and a weird feeling of bubbles exploding inside my brain, along with severe panic attacks. I called myself the hospital because I knew it was not normal and I didn't want to feel like this)

For those who suffered from depression during withdrawal, can you tell me if it went away ? Some hope to share ?

Skalliz -

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Sometimes it seems like depression and anxiety are flip sides of the same coin.  I often think of them as evil twins, frequently seen together hand in hand but not always.  Anxiety can send us spiraling into depression too.

It's good to hear you're active, sleeping well and maintaining interests, etc. and that you describe a window.    The mental anguish you describe is so hard.  The dark view of things, hypochondria, the brain fog you describe, despair, head pressure, fear - all of these can relate to depression, but they are also withdrawal symptoms.  I'm guessing you read What's happening inside your brain ?  It's worth looking at again.  I find myself returning to it every so often and it's reassuring.

It sounds like you try to remain positive and active.  That's so great. It may not be helpful to push yourself too hard though.  What are you doing to take care of yourself?

I understand your aversion to seeing a psychiatrist.  But at the same time it may be really helpful to see a therapist.  I'm sure you know that psychiatrists are not the only mental health professionals and that psychiatrists may not always be the first choice when it comes to psychotherapy.  Social workers, counselors and clinical psychologists can be very effective and helpful therapists.  Maybe this would be a good alternative?

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Benzo withdrawal is brutal. 

Wishing you much healing

Hello,

Thank you for stopping by.

Yes I read this masterpiece "what's happening to your brain" in the first days of withdrawal.

I also see a psychotherapist since last august, now I see her each 2 weeks. We're doing CBT and began analyzing some stuff also about problems not resolves.

It's really hard for me to have this feeling to be back in acute after such a long time. When I hit 6-7 months mark everything became much more difficult... Or maybe because I don't have the patience anymore.