Begging for help

I feel like I can’t do this anymore. For the last 3 months I have been in a horrendous wave after trying marijuana and magnesium to help with the relentless OCD and insomnia and it completely backfired. Im in so much physical pain and mental torture right now. I can’t even do any basic hygiene without obsessing and get stuck in some crazy repetitive loop. I can’t shave, brush my teeth, blow my nose without getting obsessed and not stoping and causing harm to myself. My mouth is so swollen from brushing so hard and long I make my mouth bleed. Same with shaving. It takes me over an hour to shower. It has caused so much fear I just don’t even want to clean myself up anymore because I’m scared of the OCD and hurting myself. I think about it all day. I can’t watch tv without constantly rewinding it cause I don’t know what is going on. Same with reading. I can’t see, hear or touch anything without becoming obsessed and starting a repetitive loop. Like a broken record. The anxiety is so bad I can’t sit still and it only worsens 10 fold at night until about 7 in the morning. Im making everyone in my house miserable. My poor husband stays up with me all night because he is scared to leave me alone in this state. But he is exhausted and is having such a hard time trying to work and take care of the kids. I can’t even function now when months ago I was so much better. To be alive is torture for me and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Im becoming severely depressed because of this and the misery I’m causing for my husband. I do not know how to cope with this. I try self talk, my husband tries to help but nothing works, it seems to just make it worse.

 

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Hello KanHope23,

 

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough period.  It seems like the use of marijuana and perhaps magnesium caused your central nervous system to go into distress. I'm not sure why this would happen, but I do know that the cns is very fragile and it doesn't take much to upset the apple cart.

 

What you are going through is difficult, I understand. I really hope you will consider getting some professional help, face to face or on the phone.  Thoughts of self harm should be dealt with by those who are trained to deal with them.  The stress on you and your husband is high, getting some help can take the pressure off both of you.

 

If you were better months ago, then you will likely get back to your baseline once again. It may take a while. In the interim it would be good for you and your family to seek some help. We care about you and want you to be safe.

 

Here are some resources for you:

 

Suicide and SelfHarm

 

pianogirl 

How are you doing now?

 

magnesium was like taking more benzos for me. It kindled me. And while my symptoms were unbearable from the start, when i look back at the fist few month of ct befor my setbacks it was freaking paradise compared to now.

 

Was it just one dose of mag, or did you take it for a bit? If you just came off you could try a taper.

I smoked a lot of pot while in withdrawals with pretty severe benzo induced OCD.  It made my high speed thoughts race off on iterating tangents at light speeds.  For me at that time it was scary but it made it impossible to maintain my nonstop obsessive rage ruminating, and while I was unable to think anything through or be intellectually/emotionally functional = it was better than the relentless Rage.

  I know that personally I would get stomped pretty hard if I was to go back to pot or alcohol now.  I figure if I am craving something like alcohol/pot/pills despite knowing all the very possible severe consequences = that is pretty damn indicative of a dependency issue, which means that there is no way that I am going to follow that road to Hell again.  Compulsions/desires for chemical releases from actions like gambling, buying, sex and eating are the same deal.  My system in withdrawals is lusting for any and all addictions to fill the huge benzo dependency void right now.  I know if I drank alcohol that I would probably experience sheer hell as I ignited all that nervous system craving for benzos all over again because I was dumb enough to be enticed by the idea of feeling “normal” for a moment.  I don’t like it, but I have to admit that there isn’t anything normal about being unable to feel normal without alcohol.  If I feel so strongly about something that I would so soon risk descending back into benzo hell for it, then I can definitively say that I absolutely should not be going anywhere near it.

  I would really like a relaxing beer.  Therefore I won’t have one.

I started my taper in March 2019, I have had much of the same symptoms.  I reluctantly told myself I needed to slow down to tolerate the extreme side effects and still continue to work. 

 

You should consider a micro taper, listen to your body,  and wait to stabilize before starting to taper again. It took me a month to stabilize after my first reduction.  As I taper,  I will often hold for a week or two  (always week three is the worst for me as I am hit with the worst of the symptoms).  I am dosing off .25mg 2x daily of Xanax.  I do not want to change over to another benzo, I wait to feel a symptom in between dosing and that is how I determine the next reduction.  It seems to be working at the moment, but i am only 20% down since March.

How are you feeling today? Feel free to reach out any time if you need someone to talk to. I understand what you are going through. I have ocd as well and tapering has made it a lot worse. I hope things improve for you.

stop the weed.  for me weed causes extreme anxiety and compulsions  some people can smoke it and are fine.

I was advised that magnesium citrate was good for anxiety so I've been taking it nightly with my other meds, but I've not been improving at all so I think I'll stop taking them.

 

I'm sorry to learn of what you're going through. It sounds very much like a crisis situation. Is there a crisis service in your area that you could access? I hope things improve soon.

Magnesium makes me feel deathly ill.  You could also be one of the people that is adversely affected by it.  It's a good thing you caught it in time.  You'll feel better in no time.  :

That’s too much for one person to bear. But yeah, there’s no chance I could smoke even a single hit. I smoked 15 years solid and that was enough for a lifetime, or two. At 4+ years off Benzos going through mental anguish, I’d be over if I dared smoked now. No chance I could handle. You are incredibly strong.

I just want you to know that I feel your pain and you are not alone. I was suffering with OCD thoughts for weeks. They are there If I think about them but lately my attention has been shifted onto other things. I spent weeks in my room pacing and losing my mind day after day with it. I ended up in the hospital twice because of the bizarre mental stuff I have been experiencing. Please know that you are not alone. I wish I could say that I am doing much better and offer you hope but all I can really do right now is say that you will survive this. Just get through the days as best as you can.