What are YOUR THOUGHTS and FEELINGS when you are both depressed & Anxious?

Hi,

Please share with me YOUR thougths and feelings when you are both depressed & Anxious? Even if you know them to be untrue and only a result of the withdrawal, I would like to know how YOU FEEL & what you are THINKING about yourself and your situation when you are depressed and anxious.

I would like to compare how I am feeling to what others are experiencing.

Thanks for reading and sharing!

Mur 

Hi Mur,

I was on antidepressants during my withdrawal but the depression was still there.  I was depressed because I never had a moment when I felt some relief from the anxiety.  The only time I could escape from the torment was when I slept and you know how hard that is to accomplish.

I had terrible fear all of the time.  I was afraid of the things that I used to do as part of a normal day.  I was afraid to drive, to be around people, to have to sit in one place for too long.  All of these things kept me depressed and anxious. 

When you think of someone as being depressed you picture them sitting around, not being able to move.  But, with us it's different.  We can't sit still, we're so anxious we have to fidget, we can't relax, we're never at peace so we're depressed. 

I have to tell you though, I made it through.  I'm not on antidepressants any more, I'm free of the withdrawal, I can sleep and I can laugh again. 

It gets better, but it takes a long time, hang in there life will get better, believe it!

Pam

Thanks Pam for the kind words.

Mur

Murray -

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for about 20 years and had come to believe it was just the way I was.  I had all the symptoms on every depression checklist I ever read. For instance, this one from the National Institute of Mental Health:

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

fatigue and decreased energy

feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

irritability, restlessness

loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

overeating or appetite loss

persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Some of these I attributed to anxiety but I don't know really which is which.  With anxiety I had a constant feeling of unease or outright fear, often was jittery/unable to keep still and sometimes frantic.  Seemed like the "fight or flight" impulse was always on.  I seldom left the house and going someplace with a lot of people (like the grocery) was agony.  I actually started going to the grocery around 3 a.m. because I knew there would be few people there at that time. 

Feeling depressed and anxious is a miserable way to feel.  If it ever gets so bad you are thinking of harming yourself, please do call a hotline and get some help.  I did that twice and it's why I am here now.

A beautiful synopsis Pam, of both what real depression is and is not for us going through withrawal.

"I was depressed because I never had a moment when I felt some relief from the anxiety."

Bingo, and many ADs have side-effects that cause anxiety. My opinion is it is the height of incompetence to initiate ADs on during bzd w/d. It's just bad medicine.

Not only are they are not cross-tolerant and are not able to relieve any of your bzd w/ds, but they are really heavy-duty drugs.

Anecdotes and studies alike prove that different people sometimes have dramatic, differing immediate side-effects.

"I have to tell you though, I made it through.  I'm not on antidepressants any more, I'm free of the withdrawal, I can sleep and I can laugh again. 

It gets better, but it takes a long time, hang in there life will get better, believe it!"

Awesome (and true) post.

Ten

Benzo Withdrawal Depression Effects:

Do not want to be awake.

Trouble getting out of bed for work.

Sleep for 18 hours easily.

Loss of purpose in life.

Mind bent on the negative of everything; mainly regarding where I am in life, and what is ahead. Very negative and hopeless feelings/thoughts.

juice

Wow this is a loaded question. I feel completely unsatisfied with everything I do. I have a paranoid fear the world, including my friends and family have...moved on while i'm stuck spinning my wheels. I think that nobody can or will understand what I'm going through. I'm depressed because I cant come to grips with giving four years of my life and countless opportunities away to Klonopin. And a few others.

-Intense focus on negative, whether it has happened or may happen.

-No concentration on good things. Almost as if they never happened.

- Depression over the state emotional agony i'm in, but can't express.

-The feeling that things will never improve.

-The desire to be alone, and then feeling lonley when I am.

- The desire to "act" like I think people expect me to be.

-And last but not least paranoia.

Also worth to note; The feeling that the whole world can see right through me, as if everyone who looks at me knows what i'm going through.

Wow Jumpin!!!

You summed it up perfectly for me, when I was going through the worst of my withdrawals.  Now, I don't feel any of those things, just relief and gratitude that it's passed.  Thanks for reminding me of those days, I never want to forget.  I never want to lose sight of what was and what is. 

Pam

I've had anxiety since I was a little girl. I have never suffered with or was diagnosed with depression. The most horrible thing right now for me (post benzos) is having both anxiety and depression at the same time. I didn't really even realize that what I was thinking and feeling about life is depression. Can't snap yourself out of it. The days seem so long. Have a few breaks here and there and "feel" some good feelings, but then they pass. I so appreciate reading everyone's comments on this thread. It gives me hope that this depression will pass, the anxiety will subside, and that this is not really who I am or who I will remain.....

Lori

-- Remorse, hyper-grief and regret for all the time lost to benzos

-- Fear of now, next year, yesterday and tomorrow

-- Sorrow over my inability to stay close to others, my need to hide, sorry that I'm a hindrance not a help.

-- Thoughts of all the insane things/decisions made while on benzos

-- Shame for all I've done and haven't done

-- Sad and anxious about all the harm I've done to myself

-- Remorse over capabilities overcome by dysfunctionality

-- Panic over what's to come

-- A very deep grief that words can't convey

-- Fear and fear and fear and fear

Aloha,

Thank you for descibing me in such detail

All kidding aside, if you read my post our feelings our very similar. I've found some comfort in the idea of living in the moment. You can't damn yourself for the past, and please for your own sake, don't condem your future just yet. Just try to deal with this very moment.

Another exercise that has helped me greatly is to make a list of all the positives. The strengths, the accomplishments, the good qualities. Eventually you get carried away, you get suprised with how good you really are.You look at it thinking "Wow, im not so bad after all".

Remember, there is no perfect person on this planet. Nobody can rightfully judge you, so you shouldnt either. Try to think of what good you can pull from this whole experience. Because I really beleive that this whole ordeal is where the magic happens so to speak.

Just a few thoughts,

Best of luck all of us

-Mike

Hey Mike!

I felt the same way when I read your post. Staying in the moment's a big one, big help. Yesterday that one got me thru the day. But one thing I have to do is make a list of positives plus start tracking all the reasons for my gratitude in my journal. And today I'm very thankful to have met you.    And I'm thankful I've chosen to start a direct taper of the xanax today. Plus I've actually found a positive place where I can be my true self and get my head back on straight (at least I hope it'll go on straight -- it may go on sideways for awhile, but at least I'll have my head back on).

Cheers to you!

Aloha

Aloha, the honor's all mine man, were all in this together man. In short, don't let the darkeness of the bad convelute the good things that are there....maybe you forgot them, maybe they've been dormant. But it's hard to keep a good person down. All those good traits have always been there, and they will be showing there face.

In my experience with this....they're coming back better than I remember. Don't be suprised if after this is over your the best version of yourself you've ever been.

All the best

Mike

Hi to everyone!

I can to relate to EVERYTHING everyone has said.  It is all of the above and then some on some days.  Right now I am in the beginning stages of my taper.  I started at .75mg of clonazepam, .25mg 3 x day, and am tapering very, very slowly so as not to have the horrible, horrible W/D I've had from it before and also from various other A/Ds and mood stabilizers.  I only cut .03mg at a time, every 7 to 12 days, depending on how long the W/D symptoms last.  Has anyone experienced this?  The first few days after my cut, my body gets very, very relaxed and I feel better, but then on day 4 of the cut, I start getting a bit more anxious and the worsening depression sets in.  I attribute this to clonazepam's 3 day half-life, and was wondering if, the day before I know this happens, I should increase just to the previous dosage for that day to combat this feeling and possibly ward it off.  Don't know if this would work or not.  I am now down to .66mg and in a few days will be cutting .03mg again.  This is so agonizingly slow; I feel like I've been in a coma for several years due to the Depakote, Tofranil and clonazepam (especially coming off of all 3 very fast last year).  Today I feel very, very discouraged and very alone.

Hey anxgirl,

was wondering if, the day before I know this happens, I should increase just to the previous dosage for that day to combat this feeling and possibly ward it off.

The answer to that one is no, please don't do that!  Increasing your dose at any point in your taper will only set you back.  Alot of times, increasing the dose will make you feel worse believe it or not!  When your body is feeling this way, you are correct in thinking it needs more medication.  That is exactly what the drug wants you to do is give your body more. 

I too have a cycle of 3-4 days of good after a cut, followed by a couple days of yuck.  Just stick those days out as best you can.  Try to accept those days as waves that will pass, as they do indeed pass without help.  It's hard to not take more of what made us once feel better, but during a taper increasing your dose will not be your friend.

The best thing you can do when you feel discouraged and alone is just what you did, post here to us for support!   

A good idea if you havn't already is to start a blog in the Buddie Blog section of the forum.  That is an excellent way to have a place to vent and have more support as well! 

Phyllis